Chapter 33
Charlotte
Taking care of me means getting this job back.
My poor, little thirteen-year-old self. What did she ever do to deserve the loathing? Nothing. She was all good. She was a human being, therefore she deserved my love, but I wanted nothing more but to discard everything about her, to reject her and leave her behind.
To change everything about her to what I thought was valuable. But it wasn’t a problem to play in that football game and let myself have some fun, to let myself be around Taysom, whom I’d loved even back then.
That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I told myself that it was selfish and wrong. I told myself it was my fault Penny ran away. I believed it all. I gulped it up like ice water in a desert and still came up empty. Thirsty.
All this time, I thought I was being noble and good by denying myself of what I truly wanted, of thinking I didn’t deserve it. But that was wrong.
I press my hand to my heart.
“I need to take a call, but you stay here. Think about it. I’ll uh…” Ron points to his phone.
As soon as he leaves, I’m up and off the desk, walking in circles around the empty room. An ache starts in behind my eyes and it’s a Taysom ache. I want to see him, to tell him how sorry I am for not seeing things clearly.
But right now, I need to ask Ron for this job.
A couple of months ago, I couldn’t have done it. I would have thought I was being noble by turning it down, by showing a false sense of modesty and morality.
It’s stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I haven’t been noble and selfless.
I’ve been focused on me. If I’d only appreciated myself, I’d have seen the truth and I could have shown up better.
Instead of wrapped up in my own head, loving myself and seeing my own worth would have allowed me to see others more clearly.
That beam in my eye would have been removed and I could have actually seen others.
I could have seen Taysom and the love he has for me.
I love him so much, I can barely breathe. In a surprising flash of being-okay-ness, I realize I sort of like this feeling because it’s freedom.
And when I missed class because I wanted to be with him and eat sushi with him, what was the problem with that?
So what? That I punished myself after that by never missing another class?
It was ridiculous. I had friends who rarely went to class and they survived.
It was okay. My overachieving heart can’t in any way shape or form recommend that…
but it worked for them and they’re alright.
The point is, I pushed him away. He asked for my number and I refused.
All because I couldn’t grapple with the fact that wanting something doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Taysom’s eyes, chips of lapis lazuli, sharp with intelligence and awareness, are such a deep blue that they seem to see right to the center of my being.
His tenderness. The way he pushes me to be my best. The fierceness with which he loves me.
I know he loves me, even though he hasn’t said it yet. It’s what my heart beats out every moment of every day for him.
When Ron returns to his office, I gather in a breath.
“Look, I love this place,” I say. “I love the kids. I love the fiddle leaf plant even though it keeps almost dying and I love that stupid stain on the ceiling and I love the weird smell outside of the bathroom. Okay, that one’s a stretch, but you get the idea.
” I point a finger in the vague direction of the treatment rooms. “Those treatment rooms are like an amusement park to me and I…I never wanted DDH, Ron.”
His eyes grow wide. That was certainly a turn in the conversation. I didn’t really mean to blurt that out. “I mean…I think I’m still angry about my hips and all that they’ve cost me. And I feel like every kid I get a chance to help is helping me heal these idiotic, insufferable hips.”
Ron bumps out a laugh, but I’m not done.
“Look, I’d be lying if I said I want to do this for the rest of my life. What I do matters, but there are other things that might matter more—that could help more.”
“Like what?”
“Like a non-profit. Here, I get to help tens of children. But a non-profit to help kids? Millions of kids can be impacted that way. I want to set up free gait screenings everywhere.” I clear my throat. “But that’s in the future.”
Ron’s smile is small, but then it widens as he brings his chin up.
“Well, until you find your calling in non-profit work, would you grace us with your presence here, then, Charlotte?”
Tears spring to my eyes. “You want me to have the position?”
Ron curses under his breath and smacks his forehead. “Of course I do. Stop this nonsense and accept it, why don’t you?”
I let out a squeal and clap my hands together.
“I take it you’re saying yes, then?” he asks drily.
Tracy must have been listening at the door because she bursts in, a wry smile on her lips as she coos. “You’re back, Charlotte. I’m so glad you didn’t leave me to deal with Ron all by myself!”