Now
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FIVE
Evangeline
Ikeep staring at the plus sign, as if I can somehow blink it away. But no matter how many times or for how long I close my eyes, it’s still there when I open them again.
How is that even possible? I’ve been religiously taking my pills. Every single day at the same time. I shouldn’t be pregnant.
I can’t be pregnant.
Tears well up in my eyes, blurring the pregnancy test before me. This isn’t the right time for a baby. It’s too soon. Our life here is still a mess, Jackson is barely ever home, and I have two years left until I get my bachelor’s.
We’re supposed to have more time. To be in our house in Italy when this happens. Not within eight months of moving to Europe.
It’s way too soon. I’m barely getting comfortable around here.
No, this must be wrong. I should have bought more tests. I can’t be pregnant.
Sitting on the closed lid of the toilet in our bathroom, I try to sort out my jumbled thoughts.
I just turned twenty-one years old, for goodness’ sake! I always told myself I would never be like my mom and have a child too soon, but here I am, pregnant, just three years older than she was when she had my sister. Two years younger than when she had me.
My God … What am I going to do?
Knocks on the door startle me, and I drop the test on the tiled floor. “Yes?” I call out, scrambling to pick it up as I wipe away the tears on my cheeks.
“I’m about to head off for the day. Can I get my kiss?”
He tries to open, but I turned the latch on, so it only rattles. “Did you lock the door?” he wonders with surprise.
“Yes, sorry.”
“Since when do you lock the door? Are you okay?”
“Yes, give me a minute.”
I sniff, tuck the test into my back pocket, and pass my hand over my face, hoping all traces of my tears are gone.
As I swing the door open, I force a smile onto my lips. “Have a good day at—”
“Were you crying?” he worriedly asks, immediately noticing something’s wrong. “Evie, what’s going on?”
“Nothing, I was just … a little melancholic, that’s all.”
His hands come up to frame my face delicately, and he forces me to look up into his eyes. “Princess, tell me what it is. I’m not leaving until you do.”
The tears resurface at once, so intensely that they immediately spill over. “I’m so sorry, Jax. I don’t know how it happened.”
“How what happened?”
I take the test out of my pocket and bring it between us. He lets go of my face to take it and looks down at the results.
“I’ve been taking my pills, I promise. I haven’t missed a single day. I don’t know how that’s possible, I—”
“You’re pregnant?”
I nod, my throat so tight it hurts.
The confusion on his face turns into astonishment, acceptance, then a frown. “Fuck …” he lets out. “Evie, it’s too early for a baby.”
“You think I wanted this?! We’re still settling in, you’re never around, I can finally work on my bachelor’s … I thought we had at least five years before kids came into the picture.”
“Have you been suspecting it?”
“Not at first. I was feeling tired all the time, I barely have any appetite, and I’ve been crying for no reason for weeks. But I thought I was just depressed. Then my period didn’t come, and I started getting nauseous last week, so I thought I’d take a test to rule it out.”
Still staring at the white and blue stick, Jackson walks back into the bedroom and sits on the bed. I follow him there, struggling to contain my tears.
“I’ll look into it and see how I can schedule an abortion,” I decide.
“Wow, wait. You want to get rid of it?”
“I don’t know, Jax. All I know is that now isn’t the right time to have a baby.”
He looks at my lower stomach, at the sliver of skin between my pants and tank top. Right where a clump of cells is slowly turning into a human being.
“Why? What do you want to do?” I ask him.
“It’s your choice, Evie. Whatever you decide, I’ll stand by it.”
Although he’s trying to be sweet and understanding, his answer pisses me off a little. “No, you don’t get to put this decision on me, Jax. We’re in this together, and we’ll decide what to do together.”
He thinks about it for a moment, eyes back on my belly. After what feels like a whole minute of it, he carefully leads with, “It’s definitely too early, but after everything we’ve been through these past six years, I’m sure we can make it work.”
“You’re saying you want to keep it?”
“I don’t know. It could be a good thing, maybe. You’ve told me yourself how you’ve been feeling rootless and without a purpose since we got here. A baby could give meaning to everything. Like a goal. A project, kind of. Something to make you look forward to the future.”
“We’re talking about a whole human child, Jackson, not a hobby.”
“I know that, Evangeline. But it’s not like we weren’t going to have kids at some point, right? It’s just a little early. Nothing we can’t handle. And the house is definitely big enough for a baby. We could turn the room next to ours into a nursery. Easy access for the night feedings.”
Looking down at him, I can tell that he’s accepting the possibility more and more.
Of course, I understand where he comes from.
I want a baby with him. Terribly so. I want a perfect little mix of us, one I’d cherish more than life itself.
But the timing is so wrong. I’m not sure it’s fair for any of the parties involved. Not us, not the baby.
We haven’t found our balance yet. Far from it. And adding a newborn to the mix would throw our whole world off its axis.
I’m still pondering when Jax hooks his index fingers into the belt loops of my jeans and pulls me in.
“Like I said,” he softly starts, “I’ll stand by whatever decision you make, princess. But if you want to keep it, I’ll be thrilled to become a dad. I make enough money to take care of both of you. You’d still be able to keep up with your courses. We can get a nanny to help if needed.”
“I’m not letting someone else raise my baby.”
“Then no nanny. We can do this any way you want, okay? You’re in charge here, princess.”
With my hands on his shoulders, I consider the implications of keeping this baby.
It will make everything more complicated, but we’ve done complicated before.
He’s not completely wrong in saying it’ll give me a purpose.
Not just by occupying my days, but by throwing me into motherhood and its responsibilities.
When I look down, Jax’s eyes are already on mine. Heterochromia is genetic, isn’t it? His maternal grandfather had it. Could our baby have different colored eyes, too?
As I scan my husband’s handsome face, I’m suddenly eager to find his features in the children we’ll have. There’s no way they wouldn’t grow up loving cars and racing, too. Jackson has it in his blood at this point, and he’d pass it on to them.
The little one in my womb right now could become the next big thing in Formula One in twenty years. A little champion who takes after his or her father. I’d braid their hair before the races, too, if they let me.
Jackson’s eyes are brimming with hope and a silent plea. And I don’t have it in me to break his heart.
“Are we having a baby?” I ask, almost breathless at the thought.
“I don’t know. Are we?”
“I think we are …”
He pulls me right into his arms, hugging my hips while he looks up with a big, bright smile. “We’re having a baby,” he repeats, still stunned.
“We are.”
He kisses my stomach, the band of skin exposed, and then hauls me into him as he effortlessly rolls us into the bed.
“Jackson,” I giggle, feebly trying to resist. “You need to go to work.”
“It can wait.”
Settled over me, he covers me in elated kisses everywhere he can think of.
It’s not sensual, but rather excited. Still, I can’t help the tingle that awakens in my core at his ministrations.
When he returns up to lay a long and deep kiss on my lips, I hook my arm around his neck and spread my legs under him.
“I can’t believe this,” he whispers, resting his hand over my lower stomach, where my tank top has risen. “I love you so fucking much, Evie. You’ve given me so much already, and now this …”
“Well, this one’s still cooking. It’ll take eight to nine months to get here.”
“I can’t wait. A perfect little angel with her mom’s eyes.”
“You want a girl?”
“I want a healthy baby. But I’d love a baby girl, yes. I’d spoil her rotten, like I do her mom.”
“I’m not rotten,” I protest with a huff. When I push against him, he grabs my wrists and pins them on either side of my head.
“Then I’ve not been spoiling you enough, princess. And not taking care of you as much as I should.”
He adjusts himself over me, spreading my legs wider. “Won’t they worry about you at the facility?” I wonder as he drops a series of kisses on my throat.
“Ugh …”
He lets go of me to kneel between my legs and pulls his phone out of his pocket. I watch, sprawled in front of him, as he types something on it. Once he’s done, he throws it on the bed and returns to me.
“What did you tell them?” I ask.
“That I had a personal emergency.”
“I don’t think making love to your wife counts as such.”
“Oh, but it’s very important. I have to show the mother of my unborn child how much I love her.”
Grazing the side of his face, I bring my lips close to his and whisper, “Oh, she knows.” I almost kiss him, but stop right by his mouth to add, “But she could definitely use a reminder.”
We’re both grinding when our mouths come together in a loving, intense kiss.
Yes, it’s too soon for a baby. We didn’t plan on this.
Not for another few years. The reasonable thing would probably be to wait until we’ve gotten used to this new life, to his demanding schedule, and then try again.
But there’s nothing we can’t do when we’re together, no challenge we can’t face. By this man’s side, I feel invincible.
And although I didn’t grow up with a good role model, I know I can be a good mom.
I will be a great mom.
“Another slice?” Jada offers, pointing at her delicious pecan pie.
“God, no. I’m stuffed full. Everything was delicious,” I answer.