Chapter 9 Evan #2
“I miss you, okay?” He shrugs. “And listen, I know I’m lucky.
And maybe I should have asked more questions back then, checked in more.
I wish every day I hadn’t just given up on you.
And I know you think I fit in at Princeton, but the truth is, I’m half there and half here.
And if I don’t fit in here, then … fuck.
I don’t know.” He scrubs a hand over his face.
I just stare at him, in his brand new shoes and fucking designer polo. Trying to figure out what to say. Eventually I go with, “Fuck you, Nate.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “What?”
“You don’t get to just come back here and complain about your perfect fucking life.”
Nathan
I watch him turn and walk away from me again and I know, somehow, that if I let him walk away, this time it’ll be it.
“Shit.” I follow him until I’m close enough to grab his arm.
“You wanna know the real reason I stayed away all these years? Why I let you ghost me like that without a fight?”
He spins around, nostrils flaring. “I fucking know why, Nate, you don’t have to say it. I saw you that day on the boardwalk with your fancy friends and I know you saw me. You’re embarrassed to be seen with me. Well, fine, I don’t give a shit. Just go.”
“What are you talking about? What day on the boardwalk?”
“Don’t fucking lie. You saw me.”
“I didn’t, I swear!”
He shakes his head and walks away.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t let him walk away again. Not now. Not like this. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him until now. How lonely it’s been to always be pretending. Fixing the way I speak. Putting on an act.
“Evan, I didn’t see you. But you’re right, I was embarrassed.”
That stops him dead. His face has dropped when he turns around and I scramble to explain.
“I wasn’t embarrassed by you, I was embarrassed by … how I felt. About you. Why do you think I took that car? I wanted to impress you. I wanted to show you I could be a badass, like you. Like the guys in those games we played.”
He’s staring at me like he wants me to shut the fuck up. But I’ve started now, and at least if he never wants to speak to me again, I’ll know it’s for the right reason. At least I will have had a chance to give him the truth.
“I don’t know if I’m bi or whatever. I’ve never thought about a guy like that, except …
you. And I don’t … I’m not here to … I’m not asking anything from you, I don’t expect anything.
I just want to be your friend again. I miss that.
Miss who I was back then, with you. You got me, the me before the money.
The kid with the holes in his shoes.” I try a smile, but Evan only looks angrier the more I talk.
“So … yeah.” I slap my hands down by my sides.
“Now you know. I abandoned you, but you abandoned me too. When you stopped returning my texts, I was a coward and I took the easy way out, because how I felt about you scared the shit out of me, and I knew I’d fucked up and I thought maybe you hated me.
Or maybe you even knew I liked you and you were disgusted or something.
” I scan his face for clues as to whether I was right.
By the utter shock and confusion etched into his features right now, I’m guessing I was wrong.
“And then I got a girlfriend, and for a while, I stopped thinking about guys. It was the coward’s option, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when your dad was sick.
I wish I had been. But I can’t change that now.
And Evan, we were kids. If I’d have known Bryce screwed you over, I would have done something about it, I swear.
I would never throw you under the bus, not for anything. ”
I stop talking. Evan hasn’t said a word. I swear he hasn’t blinked since I started talking.
“Evan? Say something.”
He swallows. Opens his mouth. Closes it again.
“I’ve gotta go.”
“What?”
My heart sinks into my stomach as I watch him turn around, telling myself surely he can’t just walk away after everything I just said. I want to call him back, but what would be the point? I told him. I put it all out there and he’s made it clear what he thinks.
I get back in the car and start the engine, throwing one last glance in Evan’s direction to see if maybe he changed his mind. But no. Even the sound of the engine purring to life doesn’t make him turn around or alter his course. He’s even further away now than he was before.
I’m not in any kind of mood to face people when I drive back to campus.
Ben’s waiting for me outside class. I try to paint on my usual fake smile as I get out of the car with my books, but he sees straight through it.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Let’s go in, we’re gonna be late.”
I can feel him watching me while I try to listen to the professor and make notes. But I’m mostly just scribbling nonsense on the page and tuning out her voice.
After class, he won’t take no for an answer until I agree to go for coffee with him. He waits until we’re set up on some too-soft couches at the campus coffee shop to ask me what’s wrong.
“Is it Mira?”
The thought is so far from my mind that it takes me a second to even register why I’d be upset over Mira.
“No, it’s not Mira.”
I can see he isn’t going to let me off the hook until I tell him something. Looking around to see if anyone’s listening, I lean in closer and he mirrors my posture.
“I’ve been hanging out with that friend, from my old neighborhood.”
“Uh huh?” Ben’s giving me his whole attention.
“And well … he’s mad at me for something I didn’t even know Bryce did, when we were younger.”
He frowns. “Why would he be mad at you if you didn’t know? What did Bryce do?”
I sigh and lean in even closer, still ashamed of that stupid mistake and worried someone will overhear. “I stole a car and crashed it into a tree, and then, panicking, and not knowing what else to do, I called Evan. He came and cleaned up my mess.”
Ben’s eyes grow comically wide.
“Bryce hadn’t been dating my mom for long at this point and she was furious.
But he fixed it. He got some fancy lawyer and I got off without even a smudge on my record.
I tried to talk to Evan about it after, find out what happened to him.
But he ghosted me and I guess I was scared to find out, or scared he was mad at me or …
” I run a hand over my face. “Scared he’d realized how I felt about him. ”
Ben flushes. “What do you mean?” His voice is small.
I swallow. “I had a crush on him.” There, it’s out there. Out in the world to someone other than Evan. I can only hope Ben reacts better than Evan did.
He blinks hard a few times. I can see the effort it’s taking him to maintain eye-contact. His blush making his cheeks blotchy.
“And I told him, this morning.”
“Oh.”
I sink back in my chair, the velvet upholstery almost swallowing me whole.
Ben frowns, looking down at his hands. For a second, I think my friend is going to reject me for coming out. My heart thuds. Not Ben. He’s the last person who’d reject me for something like that. Surely?
Finally, he clears his throat. Re-arranging the expression on his face to something more neutral. “So what did he say?”
“Nothing.” I sigh, relieved at least that he’s not still sitting there in silence. I think about Evan’s back as he walked away. My heart sinking all over again.
“He didn’t say anything at all?”
I shake my head. “He just walked away. He said he had to go.”
Ben sighs. “I’m sorry. That sucks.”
I shrug.
“So are you like, gay, or.…”
“I think I’m bi.” My mouth’s dry, but it feels good to say it. Telling Evan, it was the first time I said it out loud, and it sucks that’s the reaction I got.
“That’s cool.” Ben nods.
I let out a nervous laugh.
“What?” he asks.
“Nothing. It’s just, for a second there, I thought you were going to be mad.”
He closes his eyes in a slow blink before answering. “Nate, I’m your friend. Why would I be mad?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, it’s stupid I guess, it’s just … after Evan’s reaction.”
Ben leans closer, his eyes full of concern now. “What are you going to do?”
I shrug. “Nothing, what can I do? He made it pretty clear what he thinks about it. I’m not gonna stalk the guy.”
He sinks back in his chair. “I’m sorry, Nate.”
“It’s not a big deal,” I lie.
“Hey.” His eyes brighten, his face turning beet red. “If you ever want me to be your wingman, at like a gay bar or whatever, I will be.”
I laugh. “Thanks, but I don’t think we’d get into a bar with your babyface.”
His shoulders slump. “I do not have a babyface.”
“Yeah, you kind of do. Anyway, I’ve never been into a guy other than Evan.”
Ben frowns and stares at me, puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not sure.” I squirm. It was easier to explain it to myself before I ever had to say it out loud. But Evan is the only guy I’ve ever thought about in that way. The only guy I’ve ever been attracted to.
“Have you ever tried to … ” Ben blushes. “You know, watch … ” he drops his voice so low I have to lean in to hear him. “Gay porn?”
For some reason, I blush. We’re fraternity brothers who used to share a room.
It’s pretty stupid to get embarrassed talking about porn with the guy.
But out of all my brothers, Ben is the most reserved when it comes to that stuff.
I never walked in on him jerking off or watching porn, and he always stays quiet when the other guys talk about sex.
I shake my head.
“Maybe you should.” He shrugs. “Maybe it’d help you figure some stuff out.”
Ben lingers when we get back to the house, like he’s babysitting me, making sure I’m okay. I appreciate it, but right now, I just want to be alone.
I make an excuse about being tired and go up to my room.
At least I don’t have to share anymore like I did when we first moved into the frat house.
Ben’s my best friend here, but he snores—and sometimes talks—in his sleep.
Being woken up in the middle of the night by someone asking where their liver is gets old pretty quickly.