Chapter 10 Evan
EVAN
Iwait for another wave before I walk into the sea. The water’s so cold when it washes over me, it takes my breath away, makes it feel like I’ll never be able to catch my breath again, just for a second.
Everything is blank as the water consumes me. It roars in my ears and I gulp in water and start to choke.
My lungs burn and my legs carry me out of the water.
“Yo man, what are you doing out there?” Adam shouts from the shore.
“You’re a crazy motherfucker.” Paddy laughs.
I shake myself dry, making sure to splash Paddy in the face.
“Why are we sitting round here, anyway?” Adam asks.
“You guys wanna get high?”
Adam bites his lip. Paddy’s eyes light up. Corey looks up from where he’d been drawing lines in the sand with a stick.
We go into the woods to smoke, not coming out until it’s dark. The moon hides behind a sky full of dark clouds. I shiver in my t-shirt. The weed hasn’t done enough to numb me.
The guys laugh at stupid shit. Push each other into strangers on the boardwalk who are too scared of them to say shit.
A couple walk towards us arm-in-arm, the woman leaning in to say something in the guy’s ear. My stomach drops and I feel like pushing them. Feel like tearing something apart.
We duck into an arcade and I put some coins in the punchbag machine and have at it, taking my frustration out on that instead of someone’s face.
I don’t wanna think. I can’t.
What the fuck did Nate think he was doing telling me that shit?
Telling me had some sort of crush on me?
Dangling shit in front of my face I can’t have.
Adam picks up a couple of girls standing by the water ice stand.
One of them keeps smiling at me and flipping her hair and Adam keeps elbowing me in the ribs.
Panic rises up when she sidles in close, her sweet perfume in my nostrils, the smell of Cherry Coke on her breath when she leans in to tell me her name.
I barely hear it. “I’ve gotta go.”
I don’t wait for their reactions, I’ve just got to get out of here.
I can’t go home. Ma might be up and I can’t see her like this. Can’t let her smell the weed on me.
I head back toward the beach. The sound of the sea calling me over. The sand rough on the soles of my feet when I take my shoes off. The ground getting wet, soggy, squelching between my toes.
I take in a deep inhale, smell the salt water, the stink of fish and seaweed washed up on the shore. Nate’s face surfaces in my mind. His big Bambi eyes when I told him I had to go. How fucking vulnerable he looked telling me that shit. I wanna be mad at him, but I’m not.
I take my phone out, just to look at his name in my contacts. Nate fucking Castellani. Or is it something else now? I hit call, sure the roar of the waves will wash out his voice, but I can hear it. Clear as fucking day. Nate, saying my name.
I put the phone to my ear. “I’m at the beach,” I say before hanging up.
I’m so fucking tired. I clench my teeth and sit down on the sand, pulling my knees into my chest.
A calm washes over me as I sit and watch the black water, waiting for Nate.
I know he’ll come. And that’s what fucking scares me.
How quick that trust came back. Even that niggling voice in the back of my head telling me he’ll leave again is quiet while I sit there.
But I can’t push down that giddiness at the knowledge that Nate wanted me back then.
All those years, it wasn’t just a one-way thing.
The tires of a big car crunch on the gravel lining the beach, but I don’t turn around. I don’t even turn my head until he’s sitting right next to me. His smell overtaking the smell of seaweed and salt. Warmth coming off him in waves.
When I look at him, he’s looking at the sea, his face tense.
“Sorry I was a dick before.” My voice comes out sounding weird, like it doesn’t belong to me.
“It’s okay.” He shakes his head.
“It’s not.”
He stays quiet. Hands clasped over his knees. He’s wearing one of those backward caps. A polo shirt and chinos. Nikes so white they glow in the dark.
“You can’t just say shit like that.”
“Why not?” He looks at me and I look away.
“Because … you’re you and I’m me.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means … you’re not the boy next door anymore. I’m staying here, forever, I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
He blinks, frowns. “Does this mean you’re not mad I told you I’m bi, that I had a crush on you?”
Had? My stomach drops. I didn’t realize how much I was hoping that crush still stood until he told me it was in the past.
“No, I’m not mad about that.”
I swallow, force myself to say it. To tell him the truth. “I’ve been with guys, like that.”
His head snaps in my direction.
“A lot of guys,” I add.
“Oh.”
I throw him a challenging look, but I can’t meet his gaze.
“What was … ” He shuffles, his chinos making a shuffling sound against the sand. “What was it like?”
Was that curiosity in his voice? Jealousy? Desire? It kills me that I can’t read him like I used to be able to.
“It was … ” I shrug. “It made me forget.”
“Forget what?”
“Everything. Shit with my dad, my ma, being here, never getting out, everything.”
I hear him swallow over the sound of the sea.
“Is that why you did it? To forget?”
“I guess. That was one reason.”
“What’s the other?”
“Because it felt good.”
His breath hitches and my dick twitches. Not Nate. Not this, with him. But I want it. I fucking want it, more than I’ve ever wanted anything.
“I’ve only ever been with girls,” he says. “I liked it. But … I’ve thought about you. A lot. But not for a while. And then … now we’ve been spending time together….”
Still? My heart races and I try to still the thoughts rushing to the forefront.
“I watched gay porn yesterday.”
I snort. He’s such a fucking dork. Too innocent. “For the first time?”
“Yeah.”
“How was it?”
“Stupid?” He shrugs. “Hot as fuck.”
“Did you jerk off?” I swallow, heat pooling in the pit of my stomach.
“Yeah.”
When I look at his face, his cheeks are bright red.
“Why’d you come back, Nate?” I ask, more softly this time.
“I told you. I missed you.”
“It can’t be like it was when we were kids.”
“I know that. But maybe it could be … better?”
Nothing could be better than being a kid with Nate. Feeling like you’ll never be alone a second of your life.
I stand up and take my shirt off. The weed’s wearing off properly now and I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin. Like everything’s too raw and real and too much.
Nate doesn’t move at first and I slip out of my sweats and head down to the water.
It isn’t until I’ve ducked my head under and come back up that he starts to follow. His body in his white Calvin Kleins makes every part of me ache. I’ve never been with someone who looks like Nate before. Never felt like I deserved someone like him.
He ducks his head under and comes back up, looking at me. The moonlight flitting through the clouds, making slashes on his tanned skin. His dark hair plastered across his forehead.
He’s shivering when he puts his hand out and I look at it, mind racing.
“Evan,” he says and I take it, letting him pull me towards him.
His skin starts to warm up when I press against it.
His breath is hot on the side of my face.
He’s hard under his boxers. He puts his arms around me and just holds me.
His hand on the back of my neck, stroking.
I press my lips against his skin. It’s salty with sweat and sea water.
I brush my lips up his neck and feel him shiver.
He grinds his cock against mine and tightens his grip around my waist.
I pull back enough to catch his lips. Don’t stop to ask myself what the fuck I’m doing. This is Nate, for fuck sake.
But he’s kissing me back, holding me so tight I don’t think I could escape even if I wanted to.
We kiss like it’s the first time we’ve ever kissed anyone. Just exploring, not even using tongue. Nate brushes his lips across my mouth, his breath between my lips. I open my eyes and he’s right there.
“Remember when we used to press our faces up close like this,” he whispers. “When we’d pretend to be cyclops?”
I brush his hair out of his face.
“You’re ruining the moment,” I say, but I haven’t moved my face. And he hasn’t stopped pressing his body, his hard-on, against me. If it was ever gonna be anything with Nate, it was gonna be like this. Laughing and remembering stupid shit. Not like it is with those random guys in the woods.
He presses his mouth to my neck and starts kissing down to my collarbone. Brushing his lips against my skin while he sighs. I run my hand through his wet hair, watching his head where it’s cradled in my arm.
“Let’s get out of the water.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s cold and everyone can see us here.”
He looks up, back at the sand, but he doesn’t look worried. “There’s no one around.”
“But someone could see us.”
He loosens his grip enough for me to start wading back to shore. I can hear him behind me, his body pushing through the water.
It’s cold now and we’re gonna be covered in sand if we sit down in our wet underwear.
I take his hand and lead him to the wall of showers where people rinse their dogs and kids off and get the sand off their feet before putting on their shoes.
We used to play in these showers until we were prunes.
Splash each other and fill up water balloons.
Trying to be fast before the lifeguard caught us.
I never imagined I’d be standing under them with him like this, not even trying to hide how hard we are for each other.
He lets me rinse him off. The water is lukewarm, but it takes the bite out of the air.
Nate leans in and kisses me again, this time exploring with his tongue. His abs press against me. His skin smooth and warm.
I splay my hand across his bare chest, pressing him back against the wall. He gasps the second I touch him. His cock is fighting to get out of his boxers. I slide my hand down to his waistband and pull until he springs free.
He watches me the whole time. Those trusting fucking Bambi eyes on me.
He pushes his hips off the wall so I can pull his underwear down to his knees. I wipe my hand on my chest, just in case there’s any lingering sand, before spitting into my palm and gripping the base of his cock.
He gasps again, this time louder, more desperate. His hips buck into my hand.
He runs his hand up and down my arm while I jerk him off, trying not to look him in the eye.
“Evan.”
Fuck.
“Evan, look at me.”
The second I do, I lose control. Let him pull me closer until I’m flush against him. Kissing him, taking his tongue in my mouth, his moan vibrating through me.
He pushes my hand away and opens his legs, kicking his underwear down past his knees so he can pull me between his thighs.
The water trickles over us as we kiss and grind against each other. Nate is trying to pull my boxers off, the water making them cling to my skin, and I’m not helping him.
“Please,” he says. “Evan, take these off, I need you to be naked.”
I stop long enough to pull my boxers down to my knees. “I knew you’d be fucking bossy.”
He lets out a breath of a laugh.
“Shut up and kiss me again.”
Nate grips my ass while I grind against him. We need lube. Nate deserves a bed, someone better than me. But that selfish part of my brain that wants this more than anything won’t stop. Not unless he asks me to. And he’s definitely not doing that.
If anything, he’s pulling me closer with his legs while he digs his fingers into my ass-cheeks.
I take my hand back and lick the palm before I slide it between our bodies and take Nate in my grip again. He goes stiff as I pump his cock. He throws his head back, closing his eyes. His mouth open as he pants in time to my movements. I watch him. His fucking beautiful face. Trusting me.
Pre-cum beads on his slit and I use my thumb to smear it down his shaft. He moans, eyes shooting open on a gasp, and I was right. He looks surprised the second before he shoots his load all over us, eyes rolling back in his head.
My heart pounds as I milk the last of it from him, resisting the urge to slide down his body and lick him clean.
He looks at me, all Bambi eyes again. Vulnerable and on display. Trusting. So fucking stupidly trusting.
“Okay?”
He nods, licks his lips and smiles. His hand sliding down my stomach before I pull away. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to.”
But I’ve turned away from him now, pulling my boxers up with the hand that isn’t covered in Nate’s cum.
“Evan, I-”
He stops talking as I wash him off. Being gentler with him than I’ve ever been with anyone I’ve fucked. I can’t look at him as I wash cum from his belly, but I can feel his eyes on me as I do it and my face flushes hot the whole time.
I wait for the moment of regret as we slip back into our clothes. The shame. But it doesn’t come.
“If you don’t get in my car, I’m gonna be really mad,” he says.
“Fine, I’ll get in your car. But only if you promise not to play that emo shit.”
He tuts. “I thought you liked that emo shit.”
“Since when?”
He smiles, shaking his head.
The car still smells like pine trees, and after a while, our bodies. Salt water and Nate’s sweat and cum.
My cock is still hard under my damp underwear, but I’m not frustrated. I don’t need to take care of it. Not yet. I can’t stop looking at my hand. Thinking about Nate spilling through my fingers. His face when he came. When I made him come.
The lights are off when we reach the house. He stops the car and puts his hand on my knee when I try to get out.
“Wait.”
“Don’t worry,” I say before he can say anything to ruin it. “We’re cool.”
He swallows and nods. “Okay.”
I open the car door.
“Evan?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ll call me, right?”
When did anyone not call Nate after a hookup?
Just the sight of him, looking all clean in his nice clothes, in his nice car, with his perfect skin and sexily messy hair.
His cheeks all pink from getting a hand job under a shower.
His conventionally handsome face and frat boy body.
You don’t need to be a genius to know this guy has never had problems getting dates.
“Yeah, I’ll call you.”
The house is quiet when I let myself in. I tiptoe upstairs and get into bed, still so hard it hurts. But I refuse to touch myself. As if leaving it will make what happened that much different. Make it just for him.