Chapter 20
TWENTY
BLUE
After chucking my rules out the window, I thought I’d be more twisted up about it. But it was warm and soft in Asher’s bed, and I felt safe there with the two of them. There was a possibility that later on I’d get weird about it, but for now, I was happy to lie in bed with them.
“We never did finish watching our scene,” I said, making Jax laugh.
“I think if we tried to watch it, we’d end up right back here,” he said, dropping a kiss on Asher’s head.
“I’m not against that.” Asher wriggled around to get more comfortable, tugging me closer before he settled in again, heaving a sigh as he closed his eyes.
Reaching for him, I traced my fingertips over his brow, smoothing out the worry lines. “What’s wrong?”
“What makes you think something is wrong?” Asher’s eyes popped open, and there was an edge to his voice that gave away the fact that he was torn up inside.
“Ashy,” I crooned. Lacing my fingers with his, I dragged his hand to me and dusted kisses across his knuckles. His fingertips. “What’s wrong?” I asked again.
Ash tried to squirm away, but Jax held him tight. “We just want to help,” Jax said, but then he paused. “But if you’re not ready to talk, we can hang out.”
“Suddenly regretting asking you to stay,” Ash said without meaning the words, then he sighed again. “Would it shock you to know that, once again, I fucked up where Lukas is concerned?”
“Did you try to kiss him again?” Jax asked, partly joking, partly serious probably. It wouldn’t be the biggest shock in the world.
“Worse. I ran into Sawyer, the guy he’s been seeing, and I was such an asshole to him.
” Asher groaned. “I just saw him and my brain was, like, fuck that guy. So I went up to him in this little coffee shop where he was trying to work, and I said stupid shit to him. I was hateful, and all I did was make myself look like a jerk. And then he was nice about it. Well, nicer than I would’ve been, and he basically told me I had to go tell Lukas what I did. ”
“Oof. How did that go?” I held tight to Ash’s hand so he couldn’t pull away from me. He looked so fucking lost and hurt and ashamed that all I wanted to do was wrap him up in my arms and protect him. I wanted him to feel as safe with me as I did with him and Jax.
Ash rolled his eyes. “Lukas is a saint. Of course. He was mad or like… not mad but disappointed. Which is fucking worse. Did you guys know he’s writing a book? Well, he’s not, that Sawyer guy is. It’s his memoir or something. It’s how they met.”
“He’s wanted to tackle that for a long time. I’m glad he finally got going on it,” Jax said.
“A memoir?” That part confused me. I wasn’t ashamed of what I did for a living by any stretch of the imagination, but I couldn’t fathom inviting people into the details of my life.
The how and the why and the where. The hurt and the ache.
My experiences were mine alone. They belonged to me and if that made me greedy, I was okay with that.
“It’s really fucking sad, you know. Which made me feel even worse for being a shit to Sawyer. And, like, Lukas has been through some shit, and now he’s got me running around making life hard.”
“You don’t make his life hard. That’s literally the opposite of your job.”
“I’ve made a mess of things lately.” Ash pulled the blankets up and tried to hide beneath them, but Jax was there to push them down off Ash’s face.
“Everyone is messy sometimes, Ash. But your mess doesn’t change how Lukas feels about you. You’re still important to him.”
He scoffed and I squeezed his hand. I wanted to tell him he was important to us too, but the words wouldn’t crawl up out of my throat. That felt too clingy. Like it was too much, too fast. It was the kind of thing I’d said before that would send people running in the opposite direction.
If someone was so inclined, they could probably trace my issues back to my family and the way I was raised in a loving home until they found out that I was gay.
After that, my loving home became my worst nightmare.
Maybe that was the reason I was so needy, so quick to fall for people.
I’d chased more than one person away with declarations like I care for you.
And you’re important to me. Not everyone wanted to be important to other people.
Or maybe they didn’t want to be important to me specifically.
Whatever the reason, it made me keep my words to myself.
“He let me read his book. What’s finished of it anyway.”
“See, he wanted to prove that he cares for you. Maybe not in the way you wanted, but it’s something… right?” Jax said, trying his best to be reassuring, but I could see the look of misery and defeat on Ash’s face where Jax couldn’t.
“He wanted me to understand why he’d never love me the way I loved him. He wanted to show me all the shit he’s been through and the people who took advantage of him, and why my feelings for him make him uncomfortable as fuck.”
“Did he say that?” My brow furrowed when I asked the question.
“Not in so many words,” Ash replied with a pout. “But I can read between the lines, you know.”
“Was the book good at least?”
“Jax!” I gasped. “What kind of a question is that?”
“An honest one? I mean, he’s hired someone to write a whole-ass book about his life. I’m just curious how it’s going.”
“It’s good. And not just because it’s Lukas’s life. The writing is good. Which makes me want to hate Sawyer even more.”
“Someone’s jealous.” Jax whispered, dragging a hand up and down Asher’s back.
Asher’s only response was an incoherent grumble.
“I hate it,” Ash said after a few quiet minutes.
“Hate what?” I asked, walking my fingers up his arm.
“Being jealous.”
“Jealousy gets a bad rep as an emotion because it can make us do some pretty fucked-up shit. But jealousy just means that we value something or someone. If we can recognize that, sometimes just putting a name to the emotion helps us overcome it. If you know you’re feeling jealous, you can acknowledge that it’s because you care, and then you can try to move on from that emotion. ”
I could feel both Asher’s and Jax’s eyes on me. Confusion stared back at me and I shrugged. “I’ve been to a lot of therapy.”
“Therapy?” Asher asked.
“Yeah. Turns out, it can fuck you up when your whole family rejects you.”
“Lukas talked about that in his book. Not you specifically, just that it’s how a lot of young guys get preyed on.
Because they’re rejected by their family and looking for that kind of safety and community that they lost. It helped me kind of understand why he made me wait so long before agreeing to let me do a shoot. ”
“Lukas only ever had your best interests in mind,” Jax said, stroking his fingers through Asher’s hair.
“I just feel so dumb, you know? All this time, I had these ideas in my head about how to make Lukas notice me. And it wasn’t that he didn’t notice me, it was just… right from the jump I was slotted into the little brother category.”
Though I understood that Asher was hung up on Lukas, and I’d known that before showing up here, before anything had happened between us, it stung to lie there and listen to him lick his wounds about Lukas.
The fact was that I’d broken my rules, and now I was starting to feel like that might have been a mistake.
Asher and Jax continued talking, but my brain blocked out the words.
They were white noise in the background of my existential crisis.
In the moment, it hadn’t felt at all like I was breaking my rules, which was why I’d gone through with it.
I’d trusted Jax and Asher, but now, lying here listening to Asher’s ongoing heartache about Lukas made me want to hurl.
Some little part of me had read too much into the chemistry that continued to sizzle between us. Even now, there was a call for me to touch him. Kiss him. Cradle his face in my hands and caress him.
“I think I’m going to go.” I sat up and disentangled myself from Jax and Asher.
“Go? You’re leaving?” Asher asked, sounding as confused as he looked. “We’ve barely touched the snacks yet. Or the wine.”
“Everything okay, Blue?” Jax asked as I searched the floor for my clothes.
“I’m fine.” My answer came automatically. Suddenly, I couldn’t look at either one of them. Rejection had me shaking on the inside as I battled with my body to remain outwardly calm.
“That’s bullshit,” Jax said, climbing out of bed as I slid into my pants and yanked them up. “Talk to me, Blue.”
Jax followed me out of the bedroom and into the living room where I found my discarded shirt. He’d somehow managed to slip into his basketball shorts again, but he was still shirtless.
“I have to go,” I told him, heading for the door. Jax, though, was taller and faster and he blocked my path.
“Blue, talk to me.”
I forced my gaze up to his face, intending to look him in the eyes and prove that nothing was wrong, but the look on his face gutted me.
“I’m so sorry,” Jax blurted, panicking a little. “You broke your rules. I never should have asked you to do that. It was selfish, and now you’re hurt and it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. I knew what I was doing. I really need to go.” I stared at Jax, inwardly torn as to whether or not I wanted him to keep blocking my path or get the fuck out of my way. The heart was a fickle master.
“Blue…”
“Let him go, Jax.”
I turned my head at the sound of Asher’s voice.
He sounded small and sad—and rejected. The way I felt.
I almost wanted to stay and soothe his wounds.
I was hurt because of his feelings for Lukas, and now he was hurt because I was hurt.
It was a stupid cycle of exactly the kind of shit I’d worked so hard to avoid.
“I’m going to call you, Blue, and we’re going to talk about this,” Jax stated before he stepped aside.
I had no doubt that he was going to try.
With my hand on the doorknob, I paused. “Look after him,” I said, ignoring Jax’s response, though it would ring in my ears for hours to come.
“Who’s going to look after you?”
The answer was the same as it always was.
I’d look after myself.