Chapter 3 #2
Everyone laughs and I allow myself to get caught up in it and laugh, too, because he’s not wrong at all.
‘I do have a question, though,’ Elijah says. ‘Was doing it like this, so quick and secretive, worth it now you have no wedding gifts?’
‘I already have the best gift of all,’ Kian replies, tugging Harper closer to him. They look ridiculously good together, like a proper power couple, and them being married will only make that stronger now.
Elijah, Cole and Ash all gag on cue and Kian flips them off but is quickly distracted by movement behind me.
‘Oh, there he is,’ Kian says with a smirk looking right over my shoulder. ‘What time do you call this, mate?’
I don’t even have to turn around to know who he’s speaking to. I have the sound of his footsteps ingrained in my mind and the scent of his Burberry cologne infiltrates my nostrils and leaves the hairs on my arms upright.
‘It was you who decided to get married the day after one of the busiest races of the year for the team, especially after your husband decided to win the damn race,’ he says.
And then he walks past me like I’m not even here.
Instead, he goes straight in for a proper hug with Kian and then a half hug with Harper who looks more than ready to drag his husband away from the reception.
It’s like I don’t exist. How is he able to make me feel like I don’t exist at my best-friend’s wedding?
Eventually, he turns away from the pair and shakes hands with Elijah, then Cole, then Ash before offering me a polite hello.
This is insane. This is the man I share a bed with, the man I share my body with.
The only person I’ve ever fallen in love with.
The guy I thought was my future. And he’s treating me like I’m nothing more than an addition to this little Hendersohm group.
There’s a childlike tantrum waiting to erupt inside me. I want to stamp my feet and demand he acknowledges me. I want to demand he takes my hand, kisses my cheek and holds me like the other couples around us.
And then suddenly, it’s all just too much. I’ve let this go on for far too long. We need to talk.
‘Excuse me.’ I pat Harper’s shoulder as I step out of the little circle we’ve formed and head towards the front of the marquee. I need air. Or another drink. Or both. But mostly I just need to be away from all of … that.
Not even the sharp air of a chilly summer night can stun me out of the way I’m feeling.
I’m all over the place. Maybe I should have been pushier.
Maybe I should have made it clear I needed a public relationship, but I thought it would come eventually.
I thought I just had to be patient and let him go public on his own terms, but I’m not sure he’s even trying.
Now we’re over two-and-a-half years in and we have nothing to show for it.
We don’t own anything together, no house or car or even a sofa.
There’s no engagement on the horizon, no marriage, no talks of a family in the future.
I can’t even remember the last time he told me he loved me.
And as far as I know, not one single person even knows we are together.
How did I get this so wrong?
Footsteps on the gravel behind me almost have me ducking behind the marquee, but before I can hide Jackson is calling my name.
‘Oh, so now you want to talk to me?’ I’m aware I sound like a petulant child, but I am no longer capable of hiding how I feel.
‘Jo, come on.’
‘No, not come on, Jackson. I’m aware you don’t want to be my boyfriend around our closest friends but you’re so cold I was basically iced out of the circle.
’ My voice is rising and he shushes me, which only makes things worse.
‘Don’t fucking shush me, right? Who the fuck do you think you are right now? ’
‘I just want to talk, Jo, that’s all.’ For a conversation he doesn’t want anyone to overhear, he’s standing awfully far away from me. It’s like he can’t bear to be physically close to me.
There was a time when this was exciting. We were a secret moment in a crowded room, a lingering glance amongst a group of friends and no one knew but us. Sneaking around was exhilarating and it made getting each other alone even more thrilling.
Now the air between us hangs stale. He can’t even look me in the eye, and it makes the secret feel dirty. And not in a good way.
‘So, talk,’ I say. ‘I’ve been trying to talk to you for months and all you’ve done is avoid me. But here we are. Talk away.’ I wish I could soften my tone, but I think I’m past that now. I’m angry, and hurt, and really fucking tired of putting up with his bullshit.
‘I’m so sorry, Jo.’
The way he says those four words makes my stomach drop. I know what’s coming next, and although I’m pissed off at him right now, this is definitely not what I want to hear. He might be sorry, but he’s doing this anyway.
‘I can’t do this anymore,’ he says.
‘And by this, you mean our two-and-a-half-year relationship, right?’ I don’t want to be this person, but I can’t believe he thinks my best friend’s wedding is the right time to do this.
I can hardly go back in there upset because I would never intentionally ruin their big day, especially when no one even knows about Jackson in the first place.
And then a sneaking, creeping suspicion enters my mind: maybe that’s precisely why he’s doing it now.
‘I’m sorry. This isn’t easy for me, Jo. I love you, but this is too much.’
I want to scream, to thump the ground and beg for it to swallow me up so I don’t have to go through this break-up.
‘You love me?’ The words are so bitter as they leave my mouth.
I snort. ‘Don’t kid yourself. You wouldn’t know love if it hit you in the face.
Those people in there,’ I say, jabbing my finger towards the marquee, ‘they know love. What they do is love. The way you treat me is not love.’ Hot tears start to pour down my cheeks as everything I’ve wanted to say for months comes out.
‘I put up with it for so long because I love you. I actually love you. But you? You don’t love me, and I’m not sure you ever did. ’
‘That’s not true, Jo. You know how hard this has been. You know the pressure I’ve been under.’
‘Pressure? PRESSURE? You think I don’t know pressure?’ I exclaim.
‘I didn’t mean—’
‘Yes, you did. That’s exactly what you meant.
Because the only person you think about is yourself.
You have no idea how hard this has been for me.
You won’t talk about it with me and you won’t let me talk about it with anyone else, so you’ve made sure I am completely and utterly alone in my misery and my pain,’ I say, having to gasp for air to force out the words.
‘You’ve made me lie to everyone in my life, but I did it because you asked me to. ’
‘I’m sorry, Jo. I never meant to hurt you.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But my life is changing …
and, you know, with taking over Hendersohm, I can’t have a relationship with a rival driver anymore.
It’s just not possible. I’m sorry.’ For a second, there’s a look of anguish on his face, but it’s gone as quickly as he is.
He’s walking away before I can do something stupid like take back my words or beg him to stay.
But it would all be a lie. As much as I love him and want him, it’s been over for a long time. I have to let him go.
Luckily, there’s a bench nearby and I sink into it, head in my hands letting his words sting every nerve ending in my body as I try to process that I’m single now.
‘What was that?’ Harper asks. I didn’t even hear him coming but he’s already standing in front of me.
‘Nothing,’ I mutter as I quickly wipe away all the evidence of tears from my face.
‘Nothing?’ He questions, glaring at me like my whole body is on fire with the lie. ‘So you’re sitting out here on your own, in tears, looking like the world just ended for nothing? What did Jackson say to you? Was he having a go at you? Will you please tell me what’s going on?’
‘Just leave it, Harps. It’s honestly nothing. I’m not in a great place right now and I don’t want to spoil your day.’ It’s a lie only of omission.
There’s a beat of silence. He looks over at me, and I know he’s not buying it.
‘You’re not spoiling my day. I wish you would talk to me, though. I feel like I have no idea what’s going on with you anymore, Jo. The season was going so well. What’s changed?’
‘I don’t know.’ The lie instantly flies out of my mouth – I’m so used to telling them at this point. It makes me hate the person I’ve become. ‘I’m sure it’ll get better. I’ll be back on top next race.’
He offers me his hand. His suit is slightly rumpled, his tie has gone and the top couple of buttons of his shirt are undone. It’s the look of a happily married man.
‘Come on. Let me cheer you up. I want a dance with my best man before we call it a night.’
I allow him to pull me up and into the tightest of hugs.
My hands crumple the back of his jacket as I hold on for dear life, allowing myself to sink into him.
We hug for longer than normal friends probably do – even normal best friends – but I need it right now and I am so grateful that he can tell.
When it’s over, I let him sweep me back into the marquee and onto the dance floor.
Jackson is, thankfully, long gone and most of the other guests have left, too, so it’s a special moment shared only by the two of us.
Every second reminds me of how much I’ve missed him.
I need to try harder to be a better friend so I don’t miss out on being a part of his life.
It wouldn’t surprise me if in a couple years’ time, he and Kian think about children, and I want to be the fun uncle they would expect me to be.
The DJ announces it’s the last song of the night and Kian taps my shoulder to take over.
I happily let the pair share this final dance, congratulating them again as I step back.
Elise hugs me as I gather up my discarded suit jacket and tells me not to be a stranger in Norfolk.
It’s nice, and not what I expected from Kian’s sister when I’m not part of their little family, but I appreciate it, nonetheless.
She’s also arranged for cars to take us back to wherever we need, which makes it easier for me to get back to the hotel where the rest of the team is staying, but the drive passes in such a blur.
My face is slightly wet as I watch the countryside roads go by in the darkness of the night, silent tears slipping down my cheeks.
Back in my room, the tears dry up and a kind of numbness settles into my bones. I’m left to face the reality of this break-up alone in a dark, cold hotel room.
To be honest, it’s been over so long already that the only difference I truly feel from the last few months is a weird sense of relief that I never expected. For the first time in what feels like forever, I fall asleep quickly and sleep through the night without tossing and turning.