Chapter 8 #2
I’m thinking of drivers like Nils, who’s having a career-changing season so far. It’s like he’s finally comfortable in the car and is just shining.
‘No kidding,’ Ash chimes in. ‘I look at our academy team and I can’t believe how well they perform. It’s insane. There’s so much promise. Not that I think we’ll ever get Elijah out of a car. When his leg was broken and he couldn’t race, it only ramped up his love for the sport.’
I can see that. The way he’s been performing since that season out, it’s like he’s even hungrier. He’s yet to win a championship, but he warms the other podium spots like no other driver.
We start discussing our reserve drivers, then the new regulations that are being whispered about, and then the fact that both Cole and Ash have lived in the US at some point in their life.
We share amusing stories from being on the radios with drivers, and someone keeps bringing rounds of drinks.
I haven’t even got a single round in yet – I have no idea who’s paid for everything we’ve had so far.
When I look down at my smart watch, I see it’s just past midnight and I can’t stifle the yawn that comes out.
‘Past my bedtime,’ I say to the pair. I turn to Johannes to ask him to let me out but he’s not there and my path is clear. ‘Going to the bar. Be back in a second.’ They both nod at me but are quickly distracted by Harper and Nils.
Johannes is leaning against the bar, and I’m just about to let him know I’ll get the next round when he jumps in before I can speak.
‘They’re talking about going clubbing,’ Johannes says as I approach him. He’s already got the next round – shots and six bottles of beer and a glass of water. ‘I’m not gonna go as I’m getting a headache, but you should. Seems like you’re getting on well with Cole and Ash.’
‘Yeah, they seem like good guys, but I’m not someone who enjoys a club, if I’m honest. I’m not even sure I want that shot. I could do with getting up early tomorrow.’
If I can get a sunrise run in, I might be able to carve out three or four hours working on my PhD thesis before we have to pack up and meet with the team to fly to Belgium.
‘I’m exhausted, too,’ he says. ‘I know my brain will be up and ready to go at like 6 a.m. I want to try and get a run in, so I’ll probably be up and out before Nils is even home.’
I turn back to our table where Nils and Harper are dancing by the edge of the table.
‘You, uh, fancy a run together in the morning? I normally run around that time and I don’t think we’re staying too far apart.’ The words sound so casual coming out of my mouth, but my brain has been thrust into a vat of boiling anxiety as I overthink how he might take it.
Harper and Elijah are close enough with their race engineers to go out clubbing with them, surely we can be friendly enough to go for a run together? It’s nothing crazy. Nothing serious.
‘Yeah, sounds good. You wanna walk back tonight? It’s not too far and then I can see which apartment you’re in and knock for you in the morning.’
I’m nodding way too fast so I grab my beer bottle off the tray to give myself something to do other than nod. ‘Sounds good.’
‘Cool, let me know when you’re ready and we can head off. I’m just going to make sure Nils has got his key.’
He takes off with the tray of drinks, leaving me leaning against the bar with my beer.
I’m ready to leave now, if I’m honest. Both the bar and restaurant side of the establishment have started to empty out as they wipe down tables and mop floors, but the music seems to have got louder.
I bet the staff would like to go home, too, if they weren’t aware they have four drivers in here posting about what a great night they’ve had – which probably means a generous tip.
I down half of my beer and go back to the table to say my goodbyes.
‘Come dance with us,’ Nils says with stretched-out arms, but I’m quick to shake my head.
‘I’m good. You enjoy yourself, though. I’m heading out.’
‘With Johannes?’
‘Erm…’ I splutter a little and Nils winks at me, still dancing with Harper.
‘We’re going to walk back together, yeah.
Have a good night.’ I tap Harper’s shoulder to get his attention.
‘Thanks for a great evening, man. Let me know who I owe for dinner. Enjoy the club. Keep him out of trouble.’ I gesture at Nils.
Nils flips me off as Harper tells me not to worry about it. He says dinner was his treat.
Elijah, Cole and Ash are deep in a debate about a soccer result as I reach into the booth to grab my jacket. ‘I’m heading off. Thanks for a great night.’ Ash claps me on the back as Elijah and Cole lean over the table to shake my hand.
‘Don’t be a stranger!’ Cole calls out. ‘You’ve got our numbers. Give us a shout if you want to hang out. We both get how demanding this job can be when it comes to your social life, plus it’s nice to have extra support to keep these guys in line when we’re out.’
I laugh, but I’m not sure even Harper needs keeping in line anymore. At some point he disappeared for half an hour to FaceTime his husband. He’s a changed man.
‘Thanks, guys. I appreciate that.’ I gesture to Johannes and Nils. ‘Is it weird that they sometimes feel like our children?’
‘Ha! We keep them alive. Isn’t that what parents do?’ I nod in agreement.
‘See you around. Enjoy the club.’ When I slide out of the booth, Johannes is waiting for me. ‘Ready?’
‘Yep, see you all later!’ he shouts over the music before we head towards the door.
After being in the warm bar for hours, it’s a shock when the chilly air hits my face, and I have to stop for a second to put my jacket on. It might be summer, but the evenings are colder than I expected.
‘You have a good night?’ he asks as we start the trek back to our accommodation.
‘I really did. Thank you for inviting me. For including me. You’ve got a great group of friends in there.’ And I really mean it. It’s hard to be friendly in this sport when even their own teammates are competition.
‘I was thinking exactly that earlier. Not to get too deep at midnight, but for so long I only had Harper. We were what therapists would probably call co-dependent.’
Yeah. For a long time, all I ever saw were headlines about the pair of them being thick as thieves, so that makes a lot of sense.
‘But now, now the group is bigger and we both welcome it. Plus, obviously Harper has Kian, which has changed our dynamic. Not in a bad way – like, Harper’s found something that I couldn’t and didn’t want to give him.’
I’ve no idea how true the stories claiming the two of them were an item are, but I have no desire to pry further.
‘Yeah, him and Kian were a shock, huh? When that news broke, I had to read the article twice.’ I remember the news blast, the way everyone in the garage stopped working and had to pinch ourselves because it didn’t feel like a possibility that there could be a couple in this sport, never mind in the same team.
Not that there’s anything wrong with Harper, it’s just that they seemed like two wildly different people.
‘I know, right! Harper was a mess when he told me. I couldn’t understand the words coming out of his mouth. I was convinced he was off his head, but now when I see them together, I can’t imagine them being apart. I’ve never seen two people more in love.’
I’ve seen the wedding pictures and that checks out. The more I scrolled, the more a tiny bit of loneliness gnawed at my heart.
I didn’t feel lonely tonight. Not surrounded by a great group of guys, all very different but with a shared common interest. I decide to make an effort to get to know Ash and Cole, because I’m great at agreeing to things when I’m in a social situation and poor at following through.
‘Good for him. Honestly, don’t we all deserve a bit of love like that?’ says the guy whose whole life was turned upside down by a bad relationship and hasn’t been on a date ever since.
Johannes goes quiet. The strains of music from bars on the strip are now far behind us as we turn into a more residential area.
Did I say something wrong? I go over everything I’ve just said in my head and hope I haven’t offended him. After all, I hardly know him. One evening out and a couple of coffees doesn’t give me the right to pass judgement on his friend’s relationship.
The silence hangs because I’m afraid to break it. I notice Johannes shiver and I realise the man’s made no attempt to button up his shirt.
‘You want my jacket? I at least have a shirt with more buttons done up under this.’
A smile pulls at his plush lips. ‘It’s the look, you know?’
‘My chest is way too hairy for that. It would be like an auburn bush peeking through.’
‘Oh, really?’
Why did I say that? I can feel my face flushing. I’m grateful that it’s pitch-black out here and the streetlamps are doing a poor job of illuminating our way, never mind shedding light on my strawberry cheeks.
‘I rescind my offer. You shall freeze.’
‘I’m good, thanks. It’s not too far now.’
And he’s right, because as we reach the end of the path it joins the road to the complex where we’re staying and before I know it, I’m pointing out which block I’m in and he’s leading me up the path to the door of the part where most of the RBF engineers have been allocated accommodation.
We stand on a doorstep that isn’t really big enough for both of us, and I’m grateful that the security light doesn’t seem to have come on because if anyone were to look out the window right now this could seem … compromising.
Even though we aren’t actually doing anything.
Just standing really close. To the point I can hear him breathing and see the glimmer in his chocolate-brown eyes.
It would be oh-so-easy to lean in a fraction and test the waters. I’m not even sure what I’d be testing for, because this is Johannes Müller. Supermodel. Millionaire. One of the best racing drivers in the world right now. And I’m just me. A decent guy, but still an average person.
Yet there’s definitely curiosity in the way he’s looking at me, and in the way he runs his tongue across his generous bottom lip.
‘You were right earlier. We do all deserve a bit of love like that,’ he whispers into the small space between us, the night air absorbing the words before I can process what he’s referring to.
I almost throw caution to the wind. I almost kiss him, even though I have by no means forgotten what it’s like to have a man ruin your life, but before I can make the move he’s stepping backwards.
‘See you in the morning,’ he calls over his shoulder as he jogs away, small white clouds puffing from his lips as he goes.
I have to take a second to catch my breath in the cold air, hoping it’ll knock some sense into me. Because there is absolutely no reason for me to be watching Johannes until he disappears into the night. And absolutely, definitely, no reason to think about kissing him.