Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Johannes
The festival grounds are alive with the sounds of guitars and people screaming in delight as we dip between different tents to see a couple of our favourite artists before securing a spot at the main stage to see Lainey Wilson, one of the headliners.
She’s easily one of our favourite artists right now.
I could listen to her all night. There’s a thick smell of whisky in the air from one of the booths lining the paths between the stages and everyone is bopping and singing along as she plays ‘Country’s Cool Again’.
The hats were a funny addition to our outfits, but almost everyone around us has one on. They also work to hide our faces.
I always feel part of something special when I’m out on the racetrack, but this is like coming home to my people as men around us tap their feet, swinging their partners round in smooth steps.
It’s maybe not what everyone expects from male model and race driver, Johannes Müller, but this is all I need.
She plays some more upbeat songs, before stripping it back to a slow one in ‘Heart Like a Truck.’ The atmosphere softens and people begin to sway together, husbands and wives wrapped up in each other as the lights dim to an evening glow.
This song in particular played too much during my break-up with Jackson.
It’s sad in the sense of her talking about how much of a beating her heart’s taken, but hearing it now with Caleb standing next to me mouthing the words, it feels hopeful, too.
It talks about dusting yourself off and opening yourself up to new love, more love, the love your heart actually deserves.
I think about what Harper said yesterday. I know he was baiting me by calling me a coward, but it takes bravery to keep your heart open after you’ve been hurt. I see that now. Caleb makes me feel invincible again. He makes me want to take risks again – on the track and off it, too.
Everyone around us is too caught up to care who I am or who I’m with, so I stretch my fingers out to graze his, giving him the chance to pull away.
But when he flips his hand over and grasps mine, twining our fingers together, I squeeze back with all I have.
I hope he understands how much this means to me.
I wish I could hold him against me, but for now I’ll settle for this.
‘Hey,’ he mutters into my ear as Lainey switches into another slow song.
‘Mmm,’ I reply over the strumming of the guitar. When I look at him he’s got his phone out, ready to take a selfie.
‘I want to capture this moment so I can remember it forever.’ He swoops his arm up to get a good angle and we lean into each other, the rims of our hats touching as we laugh at the how they clash and get in the way.
He takes so many I’m almost giddy, leaning into where he’s clutching the edge of my T-shirt, wishing I could pull off this stupid hat and kiss him for all to see.
For the thrill of it. For finally being able to take what I want.
‘I’ll send them to you later,’ he promises, pocketing his phone again before slotting his hand back in mine. It fits perfectly.
For a while, I enjoy being anonymous in a crowd of strangers, just me and him and the music, and then the crowd goes wild and when I look up there’s a man coming on to the stage and Lainey’s introducing Keith Urban so they can play ‘Go Home With U’ to finish off the set.
It’s the perfect ending to a beautiful night.
We move in perfect time with each other and at some point, I shift behind him, my hands lightly resting on his hips as we sway together. I wish I could take him home with me. I wish we were going back to my London apartment tonight, where we were so happy.
‘Take me homeeeeee,’ I sing into his ear, lips brushing a spot along his jaw, and as he grinds against me, there’s no doubt in the world that he can feel the way my cock perks up at his perfect little ass rubbing against it.
I wish there was another act we could go see, someone playing some fast and dirty country music for us to get all sweaty and hide the fact that we’re rubbing against each other, but now it is actually time to go.
We walk back to the car, recollecting our favourite songs and top moments of the night. I wish I had something for my hands to do rather than thinking about having them all over Caleb.
We play Lainey the whole drive home and I’ll be making a playlist of all her songs before I sleep so that we can run to them tomorrow.
It’s after midnight when he switches off the engine outside my villa.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to invite him in – after all, Nils has already promised not to tell anyone, so what harm would it do?
But I want to do this right. I’ve already seen him naked, but I don’t want our first time to be some quick fuck with our busy schedules for tomorrow playing in the backs of our minds. It’s not what he deserves.
I want to see if my heart can fall in love again – this time without all the pain and hurt.
I want to be brave enough to risk the sliver of opportunity we have, and I think he wants the same.
But it’s important that we’re both on the same page about the potential consequences before we take any steps that can’t be rolled back.
He unbuckles his seat belt and before I can even think about mine, he’s at my door, opening it for me to step out. I swoon. Swoon. Find me a man that still does this? I’ve never experienced it, that’s for sure.
We walk up the path together to the front door. ‘I wish you could come in,’ I mumble and he shakes his head.
‘Not tonight.’ It’s not the same rejection that hurt me last time, at the end of our week in London. It’s not actually a rejection at all. In those two words I hear the promise of a future opportunity, and that’s all I need right now. I know what to do with opportunity, thanks to Harper’s reminder.
‘I had the best time,’ I whisper into the silent night around us. ‘Thank you for planning this.’
‘Me, too. Nobody else I’d rather do this with.’ Under cover of darkness, he leans in and I lean in, and every ounce of nerves vanishes. There’s nothing but us on this planet right now.
The moment his lips touch mine, all thoughts disappear.
My hands cup the side of his face, cradling his cheek as I press my tongue into his mouth, deepening the kiss.
I want to get lost in his mouth and never leave.
His fingers burn the skin they’ve found under my shirt, and I feel an urge to press him against the wall of the porch and do something really stupid.
Instead, I tangle my fingers in his curls, pulling him as close as physically possible till we’re bound together.
I need to feel him, I want to taste all of him, but I settle for exploring his mouth.
I swallow down every moan and happy hum as his hands slip into the back pockets of my jeans and squeeze my ass.
Fuck!
I want those fingers inside of me. I want him inside of me. It’s been so long.
‘Fucking hell,’ I gasp against his lips as we break apart, both of us gulping down air.
‘Yeah,’ he confirms, and I’m glad that it’s not just me who could feel exactly how perfect that was.
How perfect we are together. I can’t wait to strip him naked again and press my mouth on every inch of his skin to see how he lights up for me.
‘I should go,’ he says reluctantly. ‘See you in the morning?’
‘Can we do eight? I might still be dead to the world at six.’
‘Of course. Sleep well, Jo.’ He backs up until he reaches his car and slides into the driver’s seat.
I throw him a wave. ‘You, too.’ I won’t be able to sleep until I sort out the raging erection I’m currently sporting and change my boxers, which are slick with pre-cum.
Only once I see him drive off into the night do I unlock the door and step into the villa.
‘Oh, I was so right.’ Fucking Nils. The twenty-three-year-old giggles delightedly.
‘Shut it,’ I say, but that only makes him laugh harder, which has me rolling my eyes as I kick off my shoes and tuck them under the cabinet by the door.
‘You wanna tell me about your night or am I going to have to put the pieces together?’ He gestures to the hat and then to the porch window where he just saw us kissing.
‘You could have brought him in, you know? I’d have closed my eyes as you walked past and then put my noise-cancelling headphones on. ’
‘Shut it,’ I say again, giving him a warning glare.
He backs off, grinning.
I retreat into my room so I can swoon in private. I got to hold hands with a man, in public, whilst singing at the top of my lungs to one of my favourite artists. We took pictures together. And yeah, we wore our cowboy hats most of the night, concealing our identities, but we weren’t hiding.
I think I have maybe ten photos of me and Jackson from almost three years together. That’s ridiculous. Caleb and I took more than that tonight alone.
I strip off my boxers and drop into my bed, the duvet tucked up under my chin as I change the background on my phone to one of the pictures we took tonight, thanking my lucky stars that Caleb has been quick to send them over.
He truly is a stunning man. It’s the eyes, the way they stare into the camera.
It feels like they are piercing my soul, reading every single secret I have tucked away there.
I probably shouldn’t keep this as my lock screen, but for right now I want to enjoy this moment. Every second of tonight plays on repeat in my mind – the dinner, the music, the dancing, the way he kissed me. I already have my hand on my dick and it’s begging for a release.
It’s not exactly hard to get off when I can still feel the ghost of his hands on my ass, the way he was grinding up against me earlier, the taste of his kiss. Those fucking green eyes. And then I’m shooting into my fist like a teenager with a dirty magazine.
I’d better do this a few more times before we do this for real, otherwise I’m going to embarrass myself.
What a hardship, I think and smirk to myself.
* * *
It goes like that most of the week leading up to the race. I am completely blissed out, and always hungry for more. We fit in a run most mornings, we time another lunch date perfectly and I sneak him into my little room in the garage for a short but sweet make-out session.
He always makes sure there’s a coffee waiting for me before the race, but he delivers it to me directly, with a little peck on my lips before running back to get set up for the race.
Racing hasn’t felt like this in a good while.
Like it’s just me and the car in harmony with each other, moving as one.
Monza’s never been my favourite track, but today I own it.
When I’m on my last lap and Caleb tells me I’m fourteen seconds clear of my best friend, there’s a fireworks level explosion of happiness inside of me.
I’m back.
I’m really back, and there’s still time for me to be in contention for the driver’s championship.
And it’s all because of Caleb.
I see the chequered flag ahead of me and then I’m back on top of that podium again.
‘That was for you, Caleb,’ I say over the radio. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done over the last couple of months. I mean it, man. Couldn’t have done it without you.’
I’m elated, almost saying too much on a radio that can be listened to by millions and millions of people around the world. I’m grinning inside my helmet, fist pumping outside of my car.
I embrace every second of the last bit of the drive up to the parking spot for first place, soaking up the noise of the crowd.
Caleb’s right there at the front, waiting for me, the biggest smile on his face.
I want to leap over the barrier and into his arms. This man believes in me, even when I’m an asshole, even when I’m crashing the car into the barriers, even when I’m grumbling about my tyres and can’t tell him why.
He’s stupidly handsome with his green eyes and auburn curls.
I need to stop looking before someone clocks the intensity of our exchange, but I can’t look away.
After giving the photographers that signature, climb up on top of the car winner’s pose, I hurl myself towards those barriers and his arms are the first to find me.
The rest of the mechanics, analysts and our team principal roar in support, but all I can hear is Caleb telling me how proud of me he is.
I clutch the front of his shirt, hoping that none of these assholes drop me when we’re just five races away from the end of the season and I’m making a great attempt at a comeback to be world champion.
But in the back of my mind, I just know that Caleb’s got me; both up here and on the racetrack.
I also know that if we’re going to do this for the next two and a half months of the season, I’m probably going to need to stop looking at him like something I worship.
Just in case management catches on and tears us a new one.
There will be plenty of time for us to celebrate together, just us. Plenty more wins. Plenty of time ahead for us.