Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Johannes
It would be the biggest lie in the world to say I feel level-headed as I race into the sixty-first lap at the Circuit of the Americas.
I’ve had to force my hands to stop shaking and I can feel sweat dripping down my forehead – and not just because it’s a warm evening in Texas.
Disturbing images that I can’t seem to shake flash before my eyes of both my best friend and teammate in a tangled, bloody heap on the side of the track.
I know it’s not the case, I know they’re both out of their cars and conscious, which is what’s important, but it doesn’t stop the way my thoughts race.
This sport. I mustn’t think about it whilst I’m still behind the wheel.
I need to focus on the road. Need to focus.
The laps of the safety car fucked my tyres a little, but with Elijah behind me I know he’s probably feeling a lot like me right now and he won’t be one hundred per cent with it either.
This should be an easy one-two to take it home for both of our teammates, but we both know the sport doesn’t always work like that.
‘Caleb?’ I ask. ‘Can you talk to me a little? I need something to drown my thoughts out.’ I shouldn’t be asking this on the radio, not when these channels can be broadcast live on sports networks all across the world, but I need him right now. I need a little soothing.
He might resent me a little. Might think I made him my rebound or second choice. Or that I was still in love with stupid Jackson, but he’s still my race engineer and I know he takes that job seriously; and if this is what I need to get through the next eleven laps he’ll do it.
‘I have eleven nieces and nephews,’ he starts, telling me again about his family, and I finally allow myself to get comfortable in the chair again, eyes solely on making sure I’m not fucking up.
My brain relaxes again. ‘Big family, the youngest of four brothers and I was a big surprise. There’s nineteen years between my next brother, Gregg, and then twenty between me and Damon and twenty-two between me and Joshy.
They’ll love that they might get a mention on TV.
I taught them to love this sport. They were all football stars growing up.
American that is, not the other kind. Soccer. ’
I pull a face at the word. Soccer. Nope. It will always be football and he knows that.
‘There’s only six years between me and my oldest niece, Laurie. I was an uncle at six, isn’t that wild?’
I hum, because it is. Having no siblings, I won’t ever get to experience that, but I can imagine Caleb is an incredible uncle. He’s very doting, even on me, and I’m nothing but a pain in his ass – literally – sometimes. He must love being able to make eleven nieces and nephews feel special.
‘They are also a wide range of ages with Laurie being the oldest and then Brent the youngest at just four. It makes for very loud Thanksgivings and Christmases, but I don’t think my family would have them any other way.
Ma loves hosting us all. They built an extension on the family house when my brothers started having babies.
Their wives, I mean, not them. It meant there was always space for everyone to stay, for everyone to sit comfortably at dinner and TV time. ’
I can picture it. Even though he’s spoken about his parents and siblings before, I imagine him at home with them now.
‘I bet it’s cosy and full of love,’ I say.
‘It’s very loud, but in the best possible way. All that joy in one building.’
‘I bet you’re looking forward to winter break so you can see them,’ I say.
We’ll be apart. It’ll be the longest we’ll have been apart since getting to know each other.
I can’t think about that now. I can’t imagine not seeing him all the time, hearing from him every day, being able to sneak into his room or him into mine and get completely wrapped up in him.
I’ll miss him in a way I don’t think I’ve ever missed another person before.
His lanky frame in my bed, the way he likes to snuggle on my chest. His face in the morning when he squints to find his glasses because he insists he’s basically blind without them.
‘I really am.’ His voice is so soft and the only thing I’m aware of now is the track and the way he’s talking to me.
Nothing else. He’s so good at this. He should do audio books or something.
‘Five laps to go, Jo. You’ve put an eight-second gap between you and Elijah.
Beautiful pace. Because of the safety car you’ve got a lot of clean air out ahead.
I don’t think you’ll lap anyone before the end at this rate. ’
That’s good to know. Ten minutes and the race will be over.
I’ll be able to get out of the car and see for myself that the two of them are okay.
Caleb continues to talk about his family and his childhood, and his words keep me going.
The dulcet sounds of his voice lull me into a sense of safety and familiarity that strips away the panic I felt at hearing about Nils and Harper, and it drives me to finish the race.
* * *
It’s hard to celebrate coming out on top with everything that happened during the race.
I don’t even need to be told by our PR team to downplay my excitement about the win, because I’m already there.
It’s a great and much-needed twenty-five points, but not at the expense of two other drivers.
My team cheers for me, but I just want to find Caleb and get an update.
I push through a crowd of sweaty engineers in RBF suits until I find him.
‘How are they?’ I ask, the second I get to him. I wish I could steal a private moment with Caleb and get a hug from him – I really need it right now – but there are too many people around. Too many prying eyes already trying to catch my reaction to the race and the crash.
‘Harper’s right side was hurting so they’ve taken him in to be X-rayed and Nils went behind them. He’s going to have a head scan and be kept in at least overnight for concussion check, but mostly they are okay.’
I know I have so much to do after the win today, but all I want is to get to the hospital and see them. The worst part is, I know they’ll be showing the accident on repeat in the cool-down room, and I can’t think of anything worse than having to watch that right now.
I can’t even work myself up to fake excitement on the podium when Nils and Harper are in the hospital, but I know I don’t have a choice. The fans who travel pay so much money to see this, to watch the podium celebrations from the track.
Yet I still can’t shake the cold sweat that prickles my back, my mind still trapped in those silent, slow minutes in the car when nothing felt real and the world stilled around me.
‘Hey,’ Caleb says softly, reaching out to touch my arm. ‘You okay?’
I shake my head, ‘No, fuck. Can you convince Nathan to let me to sneak out the back door? I just want to see them both.’
‘Not a chance in hell, but we’ll rush you through as quickly as possible. Media will understand, and I’ll talk to PR myself, if I have to. They can put some kind of statement out saying you headed straight from podium to go be with your teammate. Positive spin or whatever.’
I lean into his touch, wishing I could tumble into his arms right now and let him hold me. Maybe there the world wouldn’t feel so fucking flat.
‘I’m going to hug you, okay?’ Caleb says. ‘Just for a second, because you look like you need one. And no one in the world would dispute a hug between a driver and his race engineer, especially after the race you’ve just had.’
I fold into his arms and let him hold me, and I don’t care what anyone says about us. About this. Make it what they want. All it actually is, is him giving me the comfort I need.
I make every second count as his arms wrap round me, engulfing my body. Breathing in his amber scent, I allow myself to relax for a moment, limbs softening as I let him hold me up. It’s over all too soon, though, and he takes all the comfort with him when he goes.
Abi guides me to the cool-down room.
‘Doing okay?’ Elijah asks as I pull on my winner’s cap and glug down half a bottle of water. I drop into the seat next to him and catch his hands gripping the underside of the chair. He’s probably the only person who gets it right now.
‘Ish,’ I reply, wiping sweat off my head before pulling on the cap. ‘What the fuck happened?’
‘Missed debris on the track, from what I understand from Cole. Harper must have seen it or clipped it, and he swerved, but Nils couldn’t slow down and they basically wiped each other out.
Harper was going faster, and when they were spinning, he ended up hitting Nils and flipping the car.
Don’t fucking watch it, man. My heart was in my throat when I caught the replay. Trust me.’
It’s definitely not something I will be seeking out anytime soon, not until I’ve seen in person that they are both alive and well with no permanent damage.
I know the cameras in here are streaming us across the world, so I limit what I say.
‘I just hope they’re both okay. Caleb says Nils has a concussion. He was chatting a lot of shit apparently and they need to do some scans.’
‘Sounds like Nils.’ Briefly, we both laugh, before the mood sours as they start to show the crash on the screen in the cool-down room.
‘Jesus, fuck,’ I groan as I bear full witness to the way Nils rolls three times before the barriers catch him from flying out of the circuit completely.
‘He’s lucky to have got away with just a concussion. That’s a nasty crash. Ash said Harper was doing okay but he was in pain, so they obviously want to get him fully checked out in the hospital.’
Which makes sense, they don’t want to miss anything and have him end up with a serious injury or an internal bleed or whatever. Fuck, I can’t even think about it.
‘Sometimes you forget how brutal it can be out there. I hope an official complaint is made about that debris. Even I could see it in that video. There’s no reason it should have been missed.
’ I make a mental note to make sure Caleb pushes for the issue to be raised, given it could have been so much worse if there were more cars involved or if the cars had been going any faster.
Up on the podium, Ogum sprays us both with Champagne and I’m glad to keep a change of clothes in my cubby here because I don’t want to go and sit in the hospital in a sticky, uncomfortable mess.
I feel sorry for Ogum, because it’s been a while since he’s been up here and it must be exciting for him to score the big points, but I can’t think about anything but my friends.
The second we’re allowed down from the podium, I storm through the garage as far away from the press line as possible. I get changed and pull out my phone as I jog towards the cars.
‘Hey, you ready?’ Caleb calls after me. He’s clearly been waiting for me.
‘Ready?’ I ask. I thought the team had agreed for me to skip the interviews? ‘I can’t talk to anyone right now, Caleb. I just want to make sure they’re okay.’
‘No, I meant to go to the hospital. Car’s out front waiting for us.’
‘Us?’ I sound like a robot with all these single-word questions, but I have no idea what’s going on right now and I just want to get out of here.
‘Of course. I wouldn’t let you go to the hospital on your own. Come on.’ He grips my elbow and guides me out the back door, where luckily the press haven’t been allowed, and I get to slip into the car undisturbed.
‘You don’t have to do this, Caleb,’ I say. ‘I know we said we’d talk, and we will, but—’
‘Jo, they are your priority right now and I’m here to support you.
Nothing else matters other than getting you to the hospital.
’ He takes my hand and I’m thankful for the partition between us and the driver because I’m gripping his hand like it’s my only lifeline.
‘There’s nowhere else I’d be other than here with you, Johannes. I hope you know that.’
It’s the hope I need to see me through the journey to the hospital.