26. Evangeline
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
evangeline
“E arth to Eva.”
I startle, my gaze snapping away from the kitchen window where I was watching two squirrels chase each other across my back fence. Seated across from me, Lily watches me with a furrowed brow. I don’t know how long I was zoning out, but her laptop is closed, her headphones lowered around her neck.
“What’s going on with you? You look like a zombie and your focus is shit.”
I drag a hand through my hair, wincing when my fingers hit knots. “Sorry. I didn’t sleep last night.”
One of her dark eyebrows lifts. “Given that you don’t have the glow of a marathon sex sesh, I’m going to assume insomnia?”
I nod, unable to articulate the complex truth. How do I explain that I’m a grown woman terrified of the dark behind my own eyelids? That when I’m stressed, it gets worse. So bad I have to sleep with the overhead light on, which ends up being a snake eating its tail scenario—I need the light on to sleep but can’t sleep because of the light.
The soft clack of headphones hitting the table pulls me out of my head again. I belatedly register the mix of sympathy and frustration on her face, but before I can think of a lie to defuse her worry, she asks, “Did something happen at dinner last night?”
Hot shame geysers through me. Avoiding her eyes, I study my hands. The sight of my ravaged cuticles makes me wince.
“If it’s about Wilder, I promise I won’t say ‘I told you so’ or anything like that. Believe it or not, I’m rooting for you two.”
“Since when?” I ask, then shake my head quickly. “Sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”
“Eh, I probably did. I wasn’t exactly Team Wilder at first but…” she trails off, color blooming on her cheeks. “Rye has told me a lot more about the bond between you guys, how you were as kids and stuff.”
For the first time since getting home last night, the dense fog inside me clears a bit. I smirk. “Oh, really? Exactly how much are you guys talking?”
She palms her cheeks but not before I see them darken even further. “Pretty much constantly. Is that weird for you to hear? I’ve been afraid to talk about it, but I’m crushing hard. And he seems really into me, too. It’s tripping me out. How is he a year younger than us and ten times more emotionally mature than every dude I’ve dated?”
I manage a laugh. “It’s not weird for me. I saw this coming from a mile away.”
She studies my face, her eyes hopeful and wary. “You’re sure he’s not bread-crumbing me?” she asks in a small voice. “Acting all perfect just to get in my pants and dump me after? I know he’s been with a lot of girls.”
“Definitely not. First of all, I’d kill him. Second, I’ve known him since we were both in diapers, so believe me when I say I’ve never seen him this into someone. He talks about you nonstop. You deserve someone like him, Lil. A genuinely good guy who’s loyal, stable, and kind. It’s true he’s been a serial dater for a few years, but only because he’s a hopeless romantic searching for The One. So if you aren’t looking for anything serious, you need to tell him.”
She nods quickly. “We’ve actually talked about that a little—what we’re looking for—and we’re on the same page. Now he just needs to ask me out and put us both out of our misery.”
I sit back with a smile. “He’ll crack before the end of the week. Probably on Friday once he sees your outfit for the showcase.”
Happiness flashes across her face, then a speculative focus. “And you’re sure the two of you don’t have unresolved romantic feelings for each other that could potentially destroy all three of our lives in the distant future?”
I mimic gagging. “Absolutely sure. Someday I’ll share with you the eight million reasons why, but we’ll save that convo for your tenth wedding anniversary when it’s too late for you to run away screaming.”
She finally laughs, looking like a hundred-pound weight has come off her shoulders. “Okay. Thanks, Ev.”
I nod at her laptop. “Where were we?”
She wags a finger at me. “Nice try. I spilled my guts, so now you have to. Quid pro quo or whatever.”
I groan. “Can we not?”
Not to be deterred, Lily shifts her laptop aside and leans forward on her elbows. “You have to talk to someone. Unless you’ve decided to tell your mom what’s going on?”
I shake my head.
With a self-satisfied smile, she sits back and crosses her arms over her chest. “Tell Dr. Aoki your troubles.”
I make a face. “Ew.”
She stares at me, and stares some more, until I heave a resigned sigh. As uncomfortable as it is for me to talk about my feelings to anyone—even my mom—I know I need to vent before I explode. Or, in my case, implode. Unfortunately the necessity doesn’t mean the words come easily.
When the silence tiptoes into the Land of Uncomfortable, I finally blurt, “It’s not you. This is really hard for me. Talking about feelings. Like I’m sweating right now.”
She nods, her lips twitching.
I keep rambling, my gaze bouncing around the room. “I’ve always been this way. Reserved, I guess? It’s not like my parents ever punished me for having feelings or talking about them.”
My mind latches onto an old, old memory, and it ejects from my mouth. “Wilder has a great-aunt on his mom’s side. Katherine. Growing up, I was super scared of her because she’d say weird stuff all the time. Predictions that always came true.”
Lily’s eyes widen. “Like what?”
“All sorts of shit. One year, she said it was going to be a white Christmas even though there was no snow in the forecast. It snowed Christmas Day.” I smile at that memory, then shiver at the next one. “Another time, she told my parents that Hunter shouldn’t climb on the play set in the Ashburn’s backyard. They laughed it off because my brother has always been super athletic and had been crawling all over that thing since he could walk. Later that day, he slipped on wet leaves inside the playhouse at the top and fell out of it. He broke his arm and had a mild concussion.”
“Whoa.” Lily rubs the goosebumps on her arms. “That’s trippy.”
I nod. “Anyway, when I was around five, I was running in the Ashburns’ backyard and tripped over a root. I hurt myself pretty bad. Scraped up my knees and face and was bleeding a lot. But I just sat there in a daze. Didn’t scream or cry or anything.
“Katherine was the only one who saw me fall. She didn’t ask if I was okay, just sat next to me and started talking. She told me about how when you build a dam on a river, you have to make sure there are outlets and spillways. If you don’t, when there’s a really bad storm, the dam will overflow and eventually crack. I had no clue why she was telling me this, obviously, but I finally started crying. She patted me on the head, helped me stand, and took me inside to my parents.”
Lily whistles softly. “I need to meet this woman.” She folds her hands beneath her chin and grins at me. “Is that your way of telling me I get to be your spillway?”
My lips tug upward. “I guess so. But I don’t know where to start.”
She hums in sympathy. “The last week has probably been super intense for you.”
“It really has.” I take a steadying breath, my eyes stinging. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Lil. What a normal relationship looks like. The three guys I’ve dated since high school have either dumped or ghosted me after a few months. Now there’s Wilder and this… this thing between us. It’s so big and overwhelming. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
My throat clogs. I blink fast as the burning in my eyes intensifies, spreading through my sinuses.
“Keep going.”
The compassion in her voice opens another pressure valve, and my voice spills through it.
“He’s said so many things I’ve always dreamed of hearing from him. It’s been amazing. Healing. And it probably sounds naive, but he means every word. I’ve never felt so seen and heard, so accepted. Like even my weirdest quirks are somehow amazing to him.”
Lily makes a small sound. “It doesn’t sound naive, Ev. It sounds like he’s in love with you.”
Distantly, I recognize the words should make me feel something. Hope, maybe. But they don’t penetrate.
“Maybe he is. Maybe I’m in love with him, too—maybe I always have been. But can you love someone you don’t really know?”
She frowns. “What do you mean?”
A few tears leak from my eyes, but my hands feel too heavy and numb to wipe them away.
“Wilder is like the deepest part of the ocean. Hidden depths upon hidden depths. There are parts of him I’m not sure he’ll ever let me see, parts I don’t even know if he can show me. But like I said, he’s also opened up to me. I know he cares about me, wants to be with me. And the sex is unreal—literally unreal. I seriously thought penetrative orgasms and squirting were myths.”
Her eyes widen comically. “Say what ? Holy shit. How does it feel to be a chosen one?”
I laugh weakly. “Pretty awesome.”
She sobers. “This feeling that you don’t know him… it could be because of the time you spent apart. Maybe give yourself, and him, a break? It’s going to take more than a few days to catch up on years.” She pauses, her head tilting and a spark igniting in her dark eyes. “Or do you think he’s lying to you about something?”
“No. I don’t think so? Honestly, I don’t know if any of what I’m feeling is real or if it’s old fears sabotaging me. What if this distance I feel is all in my head? Am I’m expecting too much from him? Freaking out over nothing? Maybe I’m just an insecure idiot. Or maybe this proves that we’re all wrong for each other. What if this is a giant mistake?”
I don’t realize I’m crying in earnest until Lily yanks a napkin from the holder between us and hands it to me. I blow my nose loudly.
“It’s been five days,” I say through another sob. “This is crazy, right? What the fuck is happening to me? One second I’m fine, the next I’m freaking out.”
Lily can’t quite conceal her shock—she’s never seen me lose it like this. “Shit, Ev. What the hell happened last night?”
I sniffle my way through a recounting of yesterday, from Wilder showing up at my work to my fuckup at dinner and what happened after. But I don’t stop there, backtracking to tell her about not seeing him Sunday or Monday, the spotty texts, and how scared I was that he was getting ready to ghost me. How yo-yoing between emotional extremes has fucked up my sleep, my focus, and worst of all, my understanding of myself as a calm, rational person.
When I’m done, Lily doesn’t immediately reply, her gaze on the table and her expression troubled. Knowing she won’t sugarcoat her opinion, I try to prepare myself. A wasted effort, as I’ve barely stopped crying when she lifts her head.
“The way I see it, you have two options. Option one, you believe his explanation for pulling away the last two days—however stupid it was—and you believe that last night he wasn’t upset with you, just crazy tired. Option two, you drive yourself up the wall with various worst-case scenarios. I realize option two is kind of unavoidable given your history with him, but have you considered option one? Taking him at his word?”
“I—” I close my mouth and actually think about it. “I’ve been fixated on the fear that he’s not being totally honest with me.”
She nods in understanding. “He yanked you around for years, Eva. Of course it’s going to take time to trust him. But trust is also a choice, you know? Either you push through your fear or you decide it’s not worth it.”
“It’s worth it,” I say quickly. “I want to trust him.”
“Then give yourself some grace as you navigate this. He says he’s all in and you believe that much, right?” I nod. “Maybe setting some boundaries would help, like telling him straight-up what you need to feel safe in the relationship—communication expectations, emotional transparency, et cetera.”
I rub my face, groaning. “That’s not too, I don’t know, needy?”
Her lips purse. “Fuck that. There’s a difference between neediness and communication of your needs, and any man who can’t recognize the difference is a turd. Besides, this isn’t a typical new relationship with a dude you met a week ago. Your baggage with Wilder comes with extra weight fees and carry-ons.”
I snort, then grimace and blow my nose again. Calmness seeps through me, as well as heady gratitude for the woman across from me.
I give her a watery smile. “Thanks for being my spillway. You’re an amazing woman and an incredible friend.”
To my shock, tears fill her eyes. My jaw slack, I rise halfway from my chair. She waves me back down and grabs a napkin, then dabs it delicately beneath her eyes.
“Shut up. You’re welcome. Ugh. I even forgive you for threatening my mascara with that warm and fuzzy shit.”
The laugh bubbling in my throat chokes off when a key rattles in my front door. Lily swivels in her chair, frowning. “Please tell me that’s not Rye. He can’t see me almost crying until we’ve dated at least six months.”
I snatch my phone and check the time; when I see it, the blood drains from my head. “Oh, fuck. When Wilder texted me this morning, I told him to come over at four. I completely lost track of time.”
Lily’s expression morphs from worried to horrified. “Go dunk your face in cold water,” she hisses.
It’s too late.
The door swings open on Wilder, his head bowed as he tugs the key out of the lock. The sight of him makes my heart soar and my stomach plummet. He looks up and sees us in the kitchen.
“Hi. Sorry. I’m a few minutes early.” He finally registers my tear-wrecked face and his eyes widen in alarm. “Evangeline?”
Lily stands and swiftly packs up her laptop, headphones, and phone. “Call me later,” she whispers, then hurries toward the door. “Hey, Wilder. Good to see you. Coming to the Indigo showcase Friday night?”
Wilder, looking panicked and confused, moves out of her way. “Yes, I’ll be there.”
“Great,” chirps Lily. “See you then!”
She slips past him and pulls the door closed.