14.
C AT
I glanced at my watch before I turned the corner to hit another aisle in my quick scramble through the grocery store. One of Chai’s many admirers had decided to throw an impromptu party that she just “must have some canapé s for,” and she had asked me to make them.
Three hours before the party was supposed to begin.
When she called to ask how much I’d charge to make them for a party of twenty adults, I quoted her a reasonable price. When she told me she needed them in just a few hours, I balked at the idea, so she offered to double my rate. When I was still hesitant, she tripled it, and I was not about to pass that up.
So here I was, rushing through the grocery store while Mara and Nola watched the girls. I wondered what in the world I’d been thinking to agree to the job, even if it was an exorbitant amount of money for just a few hours work.
I grabbed the last two items I needed and hauled ass toward the front of the store in the hopes of finding a short checkout line. The one thing about living in what could probably be considered a retirement community was how different store hours seemed to be. Back home, you were guaranteed to wait in a long line if you went in after five on a weekday, but here, the store was almost always busy, and even worse, the people in line liked to pay with exact change. It was very common to find people paying with checks, which I had no idea even existed anymore and didn’t remember taking quite so long to use as a form of payment.
I was lucky enough to find a self-checkout line with a woman who just happened to be wrapping up. By the time I got most of my groceries unloaded and organized on the belt, she was on her way, which meant I could make good time getting out of the store.
With bags in hand, I hurried outside to the waiting Gator, my new favorite form of transportation and the only one that Chai and Grammy trusted me to operate after hours of lessons behind the wheel of actual motor vehicles, which seemed to be my kryptonite. I didn’t think I was a horrible driver until Magda pulled the video from Dodie’s doorbell camera that showed me jumping the curb and taking out half of her flower bed, something I didn’t even realize I’d done until after the fact.
After watching the video, I agreed to stick to the Gator for a while, or at least until Chai and Grammy could be cleared by a cardiologist who said they were healthy enough to take on teaching me again.
I didn’t mind it, though. The Gator was small enough for me to easily manage in our neighborhood, and so many people used them as transportation that most of the stores had parking just for them. They were so common, in fact, that most of the residents had personalized theirs with different paint jobs, seat covers, and a myriad of other features.
Grammy hadn’t owned hers long enough to do any of that, but she had found a pair of hot pink fuzzy dice to hang from the roof in the back of the cart, which wasn’t nearly as eye-catching as Bubbe’s leopard print seat covers or Dodie’s custom pink glitter paint job.
I had just gotten the grocery bags on the back seat when a woman carrying a clipboard approached me. Rather than get into the Gator, I waited for her to get closer and wondered what she might want from me.
“Hello! My name is Agnes Rothsberg. I’m the president of the Cape Coral Safety Council, and I’d like to talk to you about some of your neighbors.” I could tell by the way she clutched her clipboard and the glee in which she announced the name of the group she belonged to that I really didn’t want to talk to this woman, but years of keeping the peace with a demure smile on my face kicked in, and I found myself unable to tell her to go away. “You must be a new resident.”
“I’ve been here for a little more than a month.”
“That’s barely enough time to get settled in, and it’s definitely not enough time to get to know your neighbors and find out what they’re really like.”
I thought about my neighbors, who were all members of Chai’s family, and smiled before I said, “I think I know enough about them to make my own decisions.”
“Have they mentioned the safety council? We have meetings every Tuesday to discuss crime in our area and ways to combat unsavory people from making their homes here.”
“Unsavory people.”
“Criminals,” Agnes whispered. “We have some people in our community who invite criminals into their homes.”
“What kind of criminals?” I asked.
“Felons!”
“There are different degrees of felons, just like there are different degrees of criminals, don't you think?”
“A criminal is a criminal, no matter how you dress it up.”
“I disagree. Someone who got busted for tax evasion is not the same type of criminal as a child predator.”
“There’s one resident here who has a murderer in her family, and no matter how much we protest, she refuses to keep him away. I understand that he’s living in a boat behind her house!” My entire body tensed when I realized she was talking about Chai, but she didn’t give me time to respond. Instead, she just pulled out her nosy ass shovel and started digging her hole even deeper. “And he’s made friends with a woman who is working under the table to circumvent state laws that regulate food service. She bakes things in her home and then sells them to the public!”
“Oh no! A murderer and a baker! If we don’t watch out, they might bring in a candlestick maker!” When she looked confused, I explained, “You know, rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub? A butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker?” When she still looked confused, I asked, “That doesn’t sound familiar at all?”
“I don’t think that the safety of our community should be compared to a nursery rhyme.”
“Well, I don’t think someone with your undertones should wear yellow, yet here we are.”
The woman ignored the insult, if she even recognized it as one, and thrust the clipboard at me for my signature. “If you’ll just sign your name at the bottom.”
“What are you selling again?” I asked as I took the clipboard from her.
“This is for our safety.”
“I feel pretty safe without trying to run off people who are just trying to make a life here in this happy little swamp we all call home.”
Agnes’ eyes narrowed as she said, “I don’t think I caught your name.”
“Because you didn’t ask for it before you started spouting your bullshit,” I said as I sat down in the Gator and tossed her clipboard onto the floorboard of the passenger side before I slipped the key into the ignition.
As the Gator roared to life, she said, “I’d like to know your name.”
“And I’d like to eat a quart of ice cream and chase it down with two rows of Oreos every evening without gaining any weight.”
“What is your name, and where do you live?”
“I live right down there,” I said as I motioned behind her. “You’ll take a right on Fuck and then a left on You. When you come to the dead end, you can kiss every single inch of my ass.” Her mouth dropped open in shock, and I couldn’t help but throw out a Southern saying I’d learned recently. “Bless your heart, Agnes. I hope you have the day you deserve.”
I guess that “bless your heart” packed a punch, because Agnes was so stunned she didn’t move out of my way, even when I honked the horn. Since she seemed to be rooted in place, I looked around to see if I had room and turned the wheel before I gunned the engine, narrowly missing the tricked-out Gator parked next to me.
As soon as I got home, I unloaded the groceries and got to work, happy to be a few minutes ahead of schedule, even after the encounter at the grocery store. As soon as the girls went down for their nap, Nola and Mara started helping me in the kitchen, which was much more helpful than I imagined it would be when they’d volunteered.
As Nola brushed garlic butter on another pan of sliced baguettes, I used the mandoline to thinly slice some radishes while Mara washed the fruit I’d brought home.
We were chatting pleasantly when the doorbell rang. Since Nola was the only one with dry hands, she skipped off to answer the door, leaving me and her cousin to keep working.
Suddenly, she skidded around the corner and back into the kitchen with wild eyes before she whispered, “The cops are here, and they want to talk to you!”
“I wonder why,” I said as I walked over to the sink and rinsed my hands. I picked up a dish towel and walked toward the front door as I reassured Nola that there was nothing to worry about.
Mara, who was right behind us, said, “The cops don’t just make house calls to sit and have tea, Cat!”
“Well, that’s the only reason I can think of for them to be here.”
I opened the front door and smiled at the two officers standing there before I said, “Good afternoon. How can I help you?”
“Are you the owner of that vehicle?” the younger officer asked.
“Actually, my grandmother owns it.”
“Were you driving it earlier today?”
“Yes, I was. Why do you ask?”
“We have a report of a hit-and-run in the parking lot of Feldman’s Grocery and were given a description of that vehicle.”
“I didn’t crash it! I promise!”
“So, you were driving it today?” the other officer asked.
“Yes. I took it to the grocery store and got back a little less than an hour ago, but I didn’t have an accident.”
“Ma’am, I need you to come with us.”
“Why?”
“You’re being detained for questioning in the incident that occurred this morning. Charges are pending and will depend on the severity of the other party’s injuries.”
“Other party? What are you talking about?”
“Please turn around and put your hands behind your back.”
“You’re arresting me?”
“She really can’t drive,” Nola whispered.
“Holy shit! I guess not!”
“Girls!” I snapped as I turned around and put my hands behind me. “I need you to stay here with the kids, but call my Grammy and tell her what’s going on. Call Chai and your moms and juggle the girls however you need to to make sure that they’re taken care of, okay?”
“You should run!” Nola suggested.
I heard the police officer behind me chuckle before he said, “You definitely should not run.”
“And you should stop watching so much television!” I snapped at Nola. “Will you please do what I asked?”
“Of course. The girls will be fine, and we’ll call . . . everyone.”
I let my head fall forward because I knew that was right. When I lifted my head, I found both girls with their phones in hand. Mara was texting, her thumbs flying over the screen, as Nola held hers up to record the situation.
“Bubbe’s freaking out!” Mara said without looking up. As the second cuff clicked on my wrist, she looked up and said, “And Aunt Dodie’s losing her shit!”
“Aunt Dodie? Are you talking about Dodie Riesenberg?” one of the officers asked. He leaned around me so he could see my face before he asked, “Are you related to Barbara Teitelbaum?”
I looked over at Nola and asked, “Is that Bubbe’s name?”
When Nola nodded, the officer behind me muttered, “Well, shit.”
When Mara looked up from her phone, she said, “Don’t say a word until you get a lawyer!”
“Too much television!” I yelled as the officer hurried me toward his patrol car. “Everything’s going to be okay. I’m sure this is all just a misunderstanding. Stay calm and make sure Mackenzie and Charlotte are taken care of, okay?”
“Grammy said to keep your mouth shut, and Magda said you should establish your presence on the cellblock as soon as they get you inside. Just walk up and punch the biggest woman in the room and tell everyone that jail is nothing like Rikers!”
“Jesus Christ, even the kids are fucking crazy,” the second cop said under his breath as he opened the back door of the patrol car for me.
Once I was safely seated in the back, I heard the other officer say, “We need to get out of here before any of them come home. There’s gonna be hell to pay.”
I wasn’t sure why they were so afraid of Dodie and Bubbe or how they even knew the women in the first place, but I was definitely sure that this was all a horrible mistake. My biggest worry was falling through on the canapé order that I had been working on.
Hopefully, I wouldn’t damage my reputation too badly by being late on the delivery.
◆◆◆
FISH
“I’ve got it all on video, Uncle Chai!” Nola said as I walked through the back door.
I took the phone from her and watched the video before I looked at the girls and asked, “Has anyone called Marjorie yet?”
“She’s on her way to the police station with Bubbe and Aunt Dodie. They were at the spa when they got my text.”
“Where are the kids?”
“They’re still upstairs taking a nap,” Mara informed me before she looked down at her phone. “We’re trying to finish this order for Cat so she doesn’t get fired, but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with all of this stuff.”
I looked at the food spread out on the counter and then picked up the paper that was sitting beside the keys to Marjorie’s Gator. I handed the list to Mara and said, “Just do what you can and then take the Gator to deliver it to Mrs. Engstrom.”
“Okay! I’ll google what this stuff should look like,” Nola said helpfully as she scanned the paper Mara was holding. “Are you going to break Cat out of jail? Can we come with you?”
“They only do that shit in the movies, kiddo, and besides, I’m sure it’s just a case of mistaken identity.”
“Before the cops left, they took pictures of the Gator and then took something from the floorboard and put it in a big plastic bag. That was evidence, huh?” Mara asked.
“Do you think she ran someone over and then fed them to the alligators? That would be so freakin’ cool!”
“What kind of television shows are you two watching?”
“Nobody watches TV anymore, Uncle Chai,” Nola said with one of those maddening teenage eye rolls. “Besides, I only watch true crime.”
“Where is Magda?” Mara asked.
“She’s cleaning up the equipment, but she should be inside in a few minutes. Have her help you with the appetizers and the girls, okay? I’m going to go talk to the Golden Girls and see what I need to do to bail Cat out of jail.”
“If the person died, they might get her on murder one!”
“Shit, Nola. You don’t have to sound so excited about it. Good grief!”
Undeterred, Mara said, “If they put an ankle monitor on her, I know how to get it off. I saw a Tiktok about it just a few weeks ago, and I think I’ve got the steps down.”
Nola nodded before she said, “I saw that one too.”
“I’ve really got to talk to your mothers when this all dies down.”
“They’re on their way!”
“Tell them to stick around, and I’ll call as soon as I know something.”
“If you have to break her out, make sure to call us first!”