16.
F ISH
“I know I’m going to regret asking this question, but did you really try to get arrested today?”
“We didn’t want Cat to be lonely in lockup,” Bubbe explained, without really answering my question. “Turns out that we didn’t even have to try.”
“What did she get arrested for anyway?” Dodie asked.
“She allegedly ran over Agnes Rothsberg’s foot in the grocery store parking lot,” I answered.
“At least she got her foot. I tried to hit her on the fifth hole during our last charity golf scramble, but she moves a lot quicker than a woman her age should be able to,” Bubbe complained.
I didn’t point out that Agnes was at least ten years younger than Bubbe, but it was the truth. Bubbe and Dodie had been gunning for that woman since she’d moved into the neighborhood and started her witch hunt, which was mostly aimed at me but also included a few other people who had somehow gotten on her radar.
“Will you drop us at the club? We have our appointment with Fernando in an hour.” I looked over at Dodie in surprise, and she shrugged before she said, “I’m sure Cat’s fine, and we’ve already paid Fernando for this month’s lessons.”
I turned at the corner and drove toward the country club while I listened to Dodie and Bubbe plot Agnes’ downfall, wondering the entire time if hearing this conversation could make me an accomplice in whatever nefarious plan they came up with. Luckily, when Bubbe threw out the suggestion of burning down Agnes’ house, Dodie shot her down and said things could be replaced but her reputation could be tainted forever. When I realized that they weren’t going to go after her physically, I felt a little better about the situation.
Once I dropped them off, I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes trying to gather my thoughts, wondering how to get, and keep, Cat out of trouble, considering that the other women in our life were certifiably crazy. I remembered that I had an entire team of men who knew how to deal with this sort of situation, so I decided to call the one who led the group.
After just a few rings, my friend and president of my MC answered the phone.
“Fish, my friend, it’s good to hear from you. What’s going on?”
“I need some advice.”
“Is this something we should be speaking about over the phone?” Boss asked.
“It’s nothing illegal. It’s more of a mental health and sanity conversation.”
“How are my favorite sweet little old ladies doing?” Boss asked, immediately guessing what my problem was.
“Well, it’s not just Bubbe and Aunt Dodie this time. Cat’s grandmother fits right in with them and has joined their little clique.”
“That’s not a horrible thing, is it? At least it’s just the grandmother. How are the girls doing?”
“My sisters have been teetering on the edge for years, but now they’ve drawn Cat into their insanity. There’s no escape, man.”
“I hear ya.”
“How do you and the other guys do it? I spent enough time around the Crazy Coven to know there’s gotta be a few tips and tricks you can give me.”
“Hmm. There might be one or two,” Boss said.
“Well, give me the list.”
Boss laughed, and I realized I was on speaker when I heard the other men start laughing in the background. Finally, Boss said, “I guess number one would be to always have beer.”
Rodeo, one of the MC members who had been a prospect with me, suggested, “Buy a tractor and mow the lawn when shit gets too crazy.”
Chef laughed before he said, “Don’t you have a boat? Use that to get away for a while.”
Hook whistled before he said, “Imagine the peace and quiet out on the water.”
“Okay, so alcoholism and avoidance. Got it.”
“Mostly, yeah,” Boss said with a chuckle. “I’ve been known to get a little stressed, but it’s generally best to just sit back and shake your head while they work out whatever craziness they’ve gotten into. Luckily, we only have to jump in now and then when things get a little too wild.”
“I’m not sure how much our advice can help you, Fish. It’s just one of those things you’ve gotta acclimate to, I guess,” Captain suggested.
“I’m not sure that’s ever gonna happen.”
“Aw, come on, man. It can’t be that bad,” Rodeo said.
“Cat got into a spat with a busybody in the grocery store parking lot and ran over her foot with the Gator as she sped away. Bubbe and Dodie went to check on her at the station and got arrested for active warrants. Cat got out, and Bubbe and Dodie were released a little while later. I just dropped them off for their tennis lessons, and now I have to go home and figure out how to keep Cat out of trouble.”
The men laughed at my misery as Boss suggested, “Step one would be to hide the keys to anything with a motor.”
“Surely she’ll get better at driving with practice.”
“You’ve seen Brea and Blue drive, yet you still believe in miracles?” Chef asked.
I heard Preacher laughing in the background before he said, “I plead the fifth!”
“This isn’t very helpful, guys.”
“You watched us learn to deal with the craziness. Now it’s your turn.”
“Thanks so much, Boss. Your insight and direction will come in handy, I’m sure.”
“No need to get testy, boy,” Boss warned.
Hook had a suggestion that terrified me. “We could always pack up and bring the women out to visit. Give them a few pointers on how to deal with nosy ladies in parking lots.”
“Please don’t!” I said, nearly shouting. I took a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart before I said, “Not that I don’t want to see y’all again, but I think it would be a good idea to let me get everything settled here before we plan any visits.”
The men were laughing at me again. It took everything in me not to hang up on them, but I managed to resist.
“Fish, my friend, the best advice I can give you is to just get used to not being in control of the wildness that surrounds you and learn to roll with the punches.”
“Boss is right. That’s about as much as you can do.”
“You could always just give up the Florida life and move back to Texas,” Hook suggested.
“No.”
“I didn’t think so,” Hook said with a chuckle. “You’re in it for the long haul and just needed an inspirational speech?”
“Not that the input I got today will be much help, but yes.”
“So glad we could be of service,” Boss said sarcastically. “Give us a call if you need anything, and I’ll tell the ladies that you can’t wait for them to visit.”
“You do that, but make sure they understand that right now is not a good time.”
“Maybe.We’ll see.”
I hung up the phone because their laughter was really grating on my nerves and the last thing I needed right now.
What I needed was a little peace and quiet after this morning’s craziness, and I wondered if Cat would be up for a night out on the water with me. I had a feeling that as long as I didn’t ask her to bait a hook, she’d be all for it.
◆◆◆
CAT
“You did a wonderful job!” I exclaimed as I looked at the pictures of the hors d'oeuvres Mara and Nola had created and delivered to the party.
“She even tipped us twenty bucks each!” Nola said as she did a little happy dance.
“I offered to pay you, too, and since you did the majority of the work, I’ll give you the majority of the profit. I’ll do my calculations on cost and then get back to you with a total.”
“It was a pleasure doing business with you, ma’am,” Mara said as she stuck her hand out to shake mine. “I’d like for you to know that we’re available anytime, not just when you get arrested.”
I sputtered out a laugh and shook her hand before I said, “Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“While we were doing the delivery, I got a few potential customer’s numbers for you. Some of them were interested in having you cater for them and others wanted to talk to you about specialty items,” Mara informed me as she handed me a list of names and numbers. “I told them you’d call them as soon as you got out of jail, and they said that would be fine.”
“You told them I was in jail?” I screeched.
“No,” Nola said with an odd look. “They all knew you got arrested.”
“How?”
“Mom says that this is the safest neighborhood in the state because everyone has their nose in everyone else's business,” Nola informed me. “We can’t get away with anything around here because everyone either loves us and thinks of us as their grandchildren or can’t stand us because . . . well . . .”
“Why?”
“Mom says it’s because the ones that don’t like us are nosy busybodies with a stick up their ass and if they’re ever mean to us, she’ll stuff it further up there with her foot.” Nola nodded in agreement, and I burst out laughing. “That was a direct quote so I shouldn’t get dinged for cussing.”
“Your secret is safe with me,” I promised through my laughter. I kissed Mackenzie’s forehead before I leaned forward and set her in her walker and then stood up to hug each of the girls. “Thank you so much for your help. We are very lucky to have you in our lives.”
“We like having you here, Cat. You make Uncle Chai happy.”
“I hope so, Mara. He makes me very happy too.”
The front door opened and four whirlwinds burst into the house, sprinted through it, and then ran out the back door, screaming the entire way.
Nola sighed and said, “I guess that means we have to get to our second job.”
“Mom said they’d pay us by the hour instead of having a set fee from now on. I hope that makes it worthwhile,” Mara said forlornly.
“I told her that she could either do that or go ahead and send us to rehab because those boys are enough to make anyone drink,” Nola said as she walked toward the back door. “Have a good day, Cat. I’m glad you’re free again.”
Mara followed her outside, probably to chase the boys that I’d only gotten glimpses of before, usually when they were sprinting somewhere and yelling at the top of their lungs. When Chai said they were feral, he wasn’t joking, and from what I’d seen, I could only imagine the trouble they could get up to together. I didn’t blame Nola and Mara for charging by the hour. It was clear that whoever was in charge of them might need a stiff drink when the day was over.
“Did they go outside?” Ruth whispered from somewhere behind me.
“They’re all out in the yard,” I said as I watched the boys run toward Bubbe’s house. “Now they’re gone.”
“Oh, thank God. I’ve had all of them since I got off work, and the only thing I accomplished was calling my gyno and begging him for a tubal.”
I burst out laughing as Ruth flopped down into the chair across from mine. “Sometimes I wonder why God chose to give me a smartass girl who acts way too much like my sisters, but then I watch the boys for an hour and realize that even though she makes me insane, I’m the lucky one here.”
“Even though I’ve offered to repay them for all their help by babysitting for them, your sisters have never taken me up on the offer.”
“I don’t have a choice. I’m basically a hostage since we’re related. They haven’t asked you yet because they don’t want you to pack up and move away, which you would do after an hour alone with them.”
“They can’t be that bad.”
“One of these days when we’re having a storm, you’ll probably be stuck inside with all of us and you’ll change your mind.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad. My offer to babysit anytime still stands.”
“You should rescind that before they take you up on it. It might happen someday, but just remember that Chai really likes to be near the water and prison orange isn’t flattering to any skin tone.”
“I might have to settle for prison orange anyway,” I said fearfully.
“I wouldn’t worry about it. Bubbe and Dodie are already rallying the troops. They’ve had something in the works for a while now, but Agnes having you arrested lit a fire under them to get things in motion.”
“She said I ran over her foot.”
“I was working in the clinic this morning when the incident supposedly happened, and she didn’t come in to have it examined.”
“Maybe she went to the hospital.”
“I doubt it, but Ari will find out. He and Dawn are coming over for dinner this evening to get started on your case.”
“Ari and Dawn? You mean Chai’s ex and her husband?”
“You haven’t met them yet?”
“No.”
“I’m not surprised. Since Magda moved out, they’ve embraced being empty nesters and have traveled a lot.”
“Are they both attorneys?”
“Yes. They’re dying for Magda to join their practice, but she’s enjoying life right now and doesn’t want to commit to law school.”
“I guess if they’re coming over for dinner, I should figure out something to serve.”
“Magda said she’s bringing in her catch, and we’re all assigned a dish, so there’s no need for you to do anything.”
“Oh.That’s nice.”
“That’s how we do things around here, although if you’d like to cook dinner for us someday we won’t argue.” The look on my face must have confused her because Dinah tilted her head and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not used to having this many people in my corner.”
“That’s what family does, Cat. They’re usually so up in your corner that you can’t take a breath and every time you open your mouth, you want to scream, but you’ll get used to it.”
“I love it.”
“Yeah. When things are new, they’re shiny and fun, but sooner or later, you’ll be at the scream stage. When that happens, just let us know, and we’ll give you and Chai a night to blow off some steam. We do that for each other all the time because we know we can all be a little too much sometimes, especially Bubbe and Dodie.”
“I love those ladies! Did you know they got arrested just so I wouldn’t be lonely in lockup?”
“I thought they got picked up on their warrants when they showed up at the station.”
“Well, they did, but their original plan was to get arrested for me.”
“I’m not surprised. They’re crazy like that.”
“I think they’re wonderful.”
“Like I said, when you’ve had enough, just let us know and we’ll give you some space. There’s no shame in it, believe me. It happens to all of us at one point or another.”
“We’ll see.”
◆◆◆
“I’ll be right back, I just need to grab something out of the pantry,” I said as I stood up from the table.
I wasn’t sure anyone heard me since there were three separate conversations going on, which just added to the noise from the movie Nola and Mara were watching in the next room and the boys who were playing a very intense, very loud, slightly violent game of Uno on the floor in the hall.
What had started as a gathering out on the patio quickly moved inside when a thunderstorm rolled in. It didn’t seem that overwhelming to have so many people around while we were outside, but when everyone moved inside, it quickly became almost too much for me to handle. Now, after almost an hour, I needed a quick break, and since I’d already escaped to the bathroom twice, I thought the pantry sounded like a more reasonable option.
I shut the door behind me and sat down on a bucket I’d bought to store flour and then leaned back against the shelf to catch my breath. I could still hear the million and one people who were clustered in the dining room and the four hundred children who were all talking at once, but their voices were muted enough that I felt like I could breathe a little easier now.
I looked around the pantry, making a mental list of what I needed to restock while I tried to figure out what I could use to muffle the sound of a house full of people all talking at the same time. At least it was more peaceful here.
Until the door opened and the volume increased dramatically.
Luckily, it was just Chai, and he closed it behind him and then leaned back against it before he blew out a breath and asked, “What’s a doll like you doing in a place like this?”
“Waiting for my prince to come and rescue me.”
“Are you rethinking your childhood wish for a big family?”
“Not rethinking it, just taking a little break from my dream come true while I consider whether or not marshmallows can be used as earplugs.”
Fish barked out a laugh before he said, “That’s a brilliant idea!”
“Do you think it will work?”
“I’m willing to try. If one of them gets stuck, we’ve got Ruthie here to rescue us.” I was actually considering the option when Fish suggested, “Or we could escape out to the boat.”
“The girls are already down for the night, and I don’t feel right leaving them here with everyone while we run away.”
“I could go wake them up so we can pretend they’re not sleeping well again and need to go out on the water.”
“The parent in me says no, that’s ridiculous, but there’s another part of me that thinks that’s a fabulous idea.”
“Which side is going to win?”
“I have a better idea.”
“What’s that?”
“We just hang out here until everyone leaves. We’ve even got snacks and drinks.”
“And we’ve got each other.”
“It’s the perfect escape.”