5. Margo
CHAPTER 5
Margo
W atching Tommy work out isn’t scientific anymore. It’s sexual. He left the gym arena for the locker room after a two-hour workout, and I’m staring at my computer wondering if at any point it’s been scientific where Tommy is concerned. I merely walked over to make sure he knew what exercises we were adding in or if he had any questions, and his smile melted me. It wasn’t just in the I-want-to-fuck-your-brains-out way either. It made me feel…something more. When he looks at me, I can tell he gives a shit about me. He doesn’t try to flirt with me while we’re in sessions on base, and I know it’s because he respects our dynamic and my job, but I do catch him watching intently when I’m working with his teammates. Nothing crazy, just a sly glance every once in a while.
I rub my lips and pinch them together as I let my mind conjure images of Tommy as my boyfriend. What? What is wrong with me? It’s fake, I remind myself. I had a long conversation with Jeannie last night. She has been begging for details of the coffee shop date since I told her it happened. I kept giving her the excuse that I didn’t want to ruin anything rather than the truth that it hadn’t happened yet. When I was finally able to tell her about the date, I felt relief. Even if it was a bit of a lie. I didn’t even realize how normal and healthy my interactions with Tommy were until I said them out loud. Jeannie was smiling and nodding, and dare I say, looking hopeful. I didn’t even have to lie. I told her how he loves the small things in life. How he looks at me in a way that makes my stomach tilt. I told her that even though I’d love to have sex with him, I find it even hotter that I know I can’t, and he won’t. She asked me if I could see myself falling for him if my history was erased from my mind. I choked on the word yes. She asked me if I could see myself falling for him even with my history. I didn’t reply because if I said yes, I wasn’t sure what it would mean.
“Do you have your progress reports finished?” Nathaniel asks. He’s another trainer who is only mildly annoying in his practices and personality. I think working with elite individuals gives some personal trainers a god complex. Hello, we’re working for them. We aren’t elite like them. Nathaniel knows that, but he’s friends with George who doesn’t subscribe to that humble notion.
I snap back to reality. “I’m trying to finish up this week because I’m taking personal days soon, remember?” The Texas trip is planned, and I can’t help but be nervous even if it’s all pretend. It feels real. Every conversation, interaction, and glance feels real with Tommy. “You have plenty of coverage, I made sure of it.”
The way he’s looking at me and not responding forces me to meet his gaze. “You’re going with him, aren’t you? To Texas? I pulled up the charts, andTommy wasn’t scheduled in the gym. The same dates. SEALs don’t take days off.” My heart sinks and my stomach flips at the same time. Of course, they would pull his chart and compare. “Every trainer who has been on shift with you while you train him has noticed. I can’t believe you’d throw it all away. I mean I guess I can if you actually think you have a shot at landing a SEAL, but do you?”
Anger mingles with my fear. “Why were you watching my schedule? You know my clients?” I exhale deeply. “I don’t know who your clients are. I don’t watch you. I keep my head down, and I work.” His interest in these things is weird.
He leans against one of the stations. “But you don’t deny it?”
“Of course I deny it. I signed the same contract as you. I know the rules by heart, and I’m allowed to be friends with my clients. I don’t have any romantic attachment with Tommy, nor will I. I don’t know what you or the other trainers saw, but it’s strictly platonic, and I’d swear my life on that.” Nathaniel did confirm what I already knew, so I lean into it. “You think he would actually have interest in me?” I scoff. “I give him workouts. Maybe if you focused more of your energy on your clients instead of watching me with mine, you’d promote quicker.” It’s a jab. I was promoted last year, and he had more tenure. I’d never have brought it up in a different scenario, but he’s cornering me.
“I don’t believe it for a second, Margo.” With that, he throws on his backpack and opens a protein bar with his teeth. “I’m not saying anything, but I can’t make promises about the others.”
Bile rises in my throat. “That protein bar has a ton of sugar,” I call to Nathaniel’s back. He waves me off, continuing his dramatic exit.
I pinch the bridge of my nose as my heart races with worry. Worry that even if I never let things with Tommy move to a romantic level, I’ll always wonder what would happen if they did. I worry about the career I fought so hard for. I could be one of the million Insta trainers hawking their pyramid scheme shakes and workout routines. I could be at a purple gym at the nearest stoplight teaching Mary Ann how to lift with her legs instead of her back, but no, I’m on the top of the personal fitness food chain. It was ultra-competitive to earn this spot and to threaten it for what? Sex with a kind man? The first man who treats me like a human instead of a piece of meat after Hollis? I can’t. Oh, god, what have I done? I contemplate the phone call I have to make to Tommy, canceling this whole thing. In fact, I might trade him with a client I heard another trainer bitching about. That would erase any doubts anyone had about where my loyalties lie.As I pack up my stuff, I rehearse what I’m going to say out loud over and over.
“I’m sorry this just isn’t going to work out. Even pretending to be with you is creating problems, and I value your reputation and my job more than what we’ll gain from our performance.” I clear my throat—my body recognizes the betrayal in the false words. I don’t believe the lie in rehearsal.We promised we wouldn’t lie to each other.It was a rule. Now I’m embarrassed the thought even crossed my mind. Being next to him is a stretch most wouldn’t believe, but having the integrity he expects of me should be a slam dunk. I can do that. I have to do that. Just be honest. Some relationships fail because of dumb misunderstandings and lack of communication. Refusing to ruin anything on that principle, I decide to be honest with Tommy.
My steering wheel is hot as I guide myself off the base and onto the highway. Using voice control, I send a text to Tommy telling him I need to talk to him later. Like any person gearing up for a difficult conversation, I practice what I’m going to say to him over and over. He’s a gentleman, so if I ask him not to interrupt, I know I’ll be able to get through the whole speech. By the time I pull into my apartment complex, I don’t remember the drive home. The whole of it was driven in a dazed, alternate universe where I care about someone. A zing of familiarity washes over my body as the realization hits. Grabbing my stuff, I lock my car, and when I open the door to my apartment, I’m greeted by Jeannie’s annoyed, frazzled face.
“It hasn’t been five dates, Margo,” she hisses under her breath.“That was the deal, and you are not allowed to ruin our progress.” I love that she says our, like I’m her monkey, and she’s experimenting on me.
I raise one eyebrow. “There may not be another date. What’s the problem? Have a rough day, friend?”
Pursing her lips, she nods her head erratically to my bedroom door—like a wild animal trapped. “He is in there. On your bed. Waiting for you.” She exhales noisily. “This goes against the agreement and could ruin everything.”
I swallow. “He’s actually in there?” My skin prickles at the thought of Tommy on my bed. “I didn’t know he was here, and I can assure you this was not in the plan.”
“He wouldn’t wait on the couch. I offered to get him a drink and tried my usual psychological tactics to get people talking but he stonewalled me…in the politest way possible, might I add.”
Of course, he was well-mannered about it. “I told him I had to talk to him, and I guess this is his response. Nothing is going to happen, Jeannie.” I place my palms on both her small shoulders and look her in the eye. “This is a promise.”
Nerves make my hands shake as I open the door. He’s sitting at the edge of my bed holding his diary. He looks like a fucking dream boat—in uniform, hair swooped, muscles bulging, and lips so perfect there’s only one, maybe two, things I want to do to them. Then he smirks, and I lose my breath.
“Surprise?”
Dropping my bag, I step into the bedroom and realize Tommy’s scent has evaporated anything that made this room feel like my own. He owns it. He owns it all. “When did I need to talk to you turn into an urgent, unannounced drop-by visit?” I ask, trying and failing to keep desire from my voice. It’s been too long since I’ve been touched by a man and even longer since it’s a touch I’ve wanted so badly.
“They let me out early, and I thought we could figure out our game plan for when we head home.” I hate that my heart beats faster when he says the word home. A place we’ll go together. Home is a place, but it’s also a feeling, and it can be a person if it’s the right one. I vowed to never let home be a person after Hollis—after everything was taken from me without consent. “Is that okay?”
I open my mouth to speak, then close it, unsure if I trust my words. “Yes. What do we have to plan?”
“First, tell me what you want to talk about.” Always the gentleman.
Tommy lets his gaze dip from my face to my body and back up. He’s not trying to hide the perusal, and that knowledge ignites my core. I haven’t taken a step since I first laid eyes on him. Closing the door behind me, I remind myself what I just told Jeannie. “There are people at work who suspect something romantic is going on between us. It goes without saying how bad that would be for both of us. Mostly me. He didn’t threaten me, but he also didn’t not threaten to out me.”
“Nothing romantic is going on between us though. Who should I talk to in order to straighten things out?” He licks his lips as he gives my body another once over. This time my body shivers in response. What he’s speaking and the message his eyes convey are in different realms. “I’ll make sure they know we’re merely friends. There’s nothing in writing saying we can’t be friends, and it’s not fraternization because you are a civilian. We are friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.”
I swallow. “Friends,” I counter. “That might not be convincing with us taking trips together to your home. My coworkers have noticed the extra time we’ve spent together in the gym and our chemistry.”
He grins, and my core clenches. “Chemistry, huh? What’s that look like to the naked eye?” Another clench, and my heart races at the crude visual that immediately pops into my mind. Him, naked, his hot hands gliding over every square inch of my body.
“Tommy,” I say, but it sounds a little like I’m chastising a child. “I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’m at.”
He cuts me off. “And I would never do anything to risk that.”
“I know, but even people thinking I would jeopardize my career makes me sick. They saw my time off request in the system, looked up your schedule, and put two and two together.”
“Is this it? This is what you had to talk to me about?” he asks.
I cross my legs, trying and failing to extinguish the flaming desire building at my core. “Yeah because I’m not sure if I can go to Texas because of it.”
“Others dictate who you can be friends with? You’ve called this thing between us pretend more times than I can count.”
I close my eyes because I have to. His looks are wildly distracting. “It’s easy for you because if something were to happen between us, you’d still have a job. I,” I say, laying a hand on my chest, “would be sent packing, and I’d never find something this distinguished again.”
Tommy’s grin widens. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“Ha. Ha. Yes, you’re the most elite of the elite. Everyone knows that, but real talk, I don’t know if I can only be your friend. I called it pretend so many times because I was trying to convince myself.” There. I’ve said it out loud. I didn’t know it was possible, but his smile widens, and I feel the need to explain. “Don’t do that, don’t make me feel crazy.”
He slaps his journal on his leg. “I’m not making you feel anything. I’m so happy you are calling this the opposite of pretending that I might write a page on this tonight.”
Slinging my hands on my hips, I try and fail at a rebuttal. I smile instead. “Wasn’t the first rule that we can’t lie? I feel like this whole thing is a lie.”
“What’s a lie? That you don’t want to be just friends?” he asks.
“Stop that,” I deadpan.
“Stop what?” he says.
“Tell me how you feel. Am I alone in this? You look at me and want to be only friends?” I ask the question I know will change everything. He will be honest, and I want that.
“We can define what friendship means or what it looks like,” he replies, tossing the journal on the bed and standing. His presence grows stronger, more staggering, lessfriendly, more stunning in every good way.
“You didn’t answer my question,” I counter.
He opens his arms wide, and I do my best not to shirk away from him because he’s so large. “Are you alone in this? No. I’m standing in your bedroom, looking at you. It’s obvious when I look at you, I don’t want to be friends in the traditional sense of the word.”
“Are you suggesting non-traditional friends with benefits? Something casual? If so, that literally goes against everything I thought I knew about you.” If that’s what he’s suggesting, it makes things easy. He’ll be just like every other guy who only wants me for my body. “I mean, I kind of can’t fault you given your history. You probably want the opposite of what you had.”
“I would never suggest that, you’re right, that’s not me at all,” he says, shaking his head and taking a step toward me. “You know that. We’re going to have to convince everyone back home we’re together. Somehow, I don’t think it’s going to be a stretch for them to believe, Margo.” Another step toward me. I lose my breath when his full scent washes over me. “But we could practice if you want to make sure we have it down pat.”
“I can’t,” I say, holding out my arm to keep him from coming closer. My hand on the palm of his chest shakes slightly. “And none of this solves the working relationship issue, Tommy.”
He takes a step back, and my hand, hot from his body heat drops to my side. “I wouldn’t do anything to put your career in jeopardy. Tell me now, and we can call it off. I like you more than I should. Throughout the time we’ve spent together, I’ve realized you are my type, and that does make this complicated if we’re trying to pretend.”
I exhale and feel the last of the air leave my lungs. It stings as his words fill a deep hole. “Call it off? How am I supposed to do that with what you just said?”
He shrugs and looks off to the side where I have some art pieces displayed. “The way I see it is we have two options. Conceal our friendship or call it off completely and be completely miserable for the rest of our lives.”
“Wow, when you put it that way there really is only one option.” I remind myself of all the contracts I signed when I took the assignment at the SEAL base. “I’ll go over the contracts the military issued when I was hired and read the fine print again. There’s no reason we should call off the trip if it’s kept on the down low because we are just friends, I guess. I’m your type?” I hedge, heading around him to sit on my bed. “When did you figure that out and tell me what that means to you?” It’s hard to believe I’m anyone’s brand of crazy right now, but especially his. When he spoke the words, butterflies invaded my stomach. “Also, I need to remind you again, right now before you answer, Jeannie isn’t allowing sex until the fifth date.”
He chuckles under his breath, sliding his hands into his pockets. “Who said anything about sex?”
I let out an exasperated sigh and I close my eyes. “This whole room is crackling with sexual tension. Not saying I’m an expert on this, but I’m confident I’m not wrong, and I know how crazy it sounds using my friend as the excuse, but you know I’m telling the truth,” I say.
He nods, then clasps his hands behind his back leaning against the wall. “I know you’re my type because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. When I look at you, it’s as if I’m seeing the truth for the first time. I knew immediately, and it means that when I’m with you, I don’t want to be anywhere else. I’d commit atrocious acts to be here, standing in front of you, asking for a chance. Whatever a chance means to you right now. If we have to wait until you move to your next assignment, I’ll wait.” He clears his throat. “As you said, the chemistry is burning this place down, and I think I can be who you need.”
“You really think that?”
“I don’t think, Margo, I know.”
“You thought you were going to get married to someone else. What is it about me that you’re so sure of? You must have been sure about your ex.”
He shakes his head. “Not the same. One felt like an assignment with expectations, and this is a choice. My choice.”
“Okay.” I swallow down what I was going to ask next because he’s completely canceled out any and all follow-up questions.
Tommy pushes off the wall and approaches the bed. “I understand that we can’t have sex, but can we test the chemistry with a kiss?”
I lose my breath which feels foolish. I forget to remind myself who I am and what I used to be capable of. He’s rendering me jelly with the prospect of a kiss. “Technically we’re not supposed to kiss until the second date, but I think a kiss would be fine,” I whisper. “If you’re sure you want to and if you’re sure it will just be a kiss. I can’t be responsible. You have to be.”
As he licks his lips and closes the distance between us, I look up and smile like an absolute lunatic because of how he’s admiring me. Giddy—like a child told they’re going to an amusement park. “I can be responsible. Won’t fuck that up twice.” Tommy winks, spreads my legs with one of his knees, and covers my body with his.
I know authors in romance novels say heroes have the ability to take your breath away, and I’m here to tell you, right now, it’s a true thing, and it’s so intoxicating it doesn’t feel real.