7. Margo
CHAPTER 7
Margo
T he country music is shaking the bedroom window as I’m getting ready in a guest room at his parents’ ranch. Tommy’s room is across the hall, but he’s not in there. He’s already outside with what seems like the entire town. He was right, there are a lot of people. Everything up until this point has been seamless—wonderful. His parents are warm and welcoming. Straight away they announced how happy Tommy looked and how I made him light up like a firework. I can’t describe what it’s like being here with him and his family without choking up. Sometimes things in life just feel like they belong to you, and there’s no rhyme or reason why. Call it intuition or a higher power tapping my shoulder, or even good karma for what I’ve been through. It feels like home.
As I slick on a coat of lip gloss and adjust the strap of the pale purple sundress, my nerves trip to overdrive. It doesn’t matter how Tommy makes me feel right now. What matters is what everyone else thinks of me as I mingle with people who have only known Tommy as Tommy and Dani for most of his life. When I agreed to this, it was supposed to be pretend. My stomach lurches—a reminder this is anything but pretend. I care what people think. I slide on a pair of white cowboy boots and steel my nerves. Tommy hasn’t seen me in anything other than athleisure, and I’m nervous about what he’s going to think. I couldn’t show up to this in overpriced workout gear and running sneakers. It’s the South. There are rules. Sure, some are unspoken, but they exist nonetheless.
I walk down the hallway slowly, my boots making a soft clack against the wooden floors. There are a few women in the kitchen, picking at a potato salad and gathering food to take outside. I smile warmly and continue out the side door to their large patio. It has multiple levels connected by a few steps. Tommy stands out no matter where he is. The second I step closer, it’s as if some kind of undetectable magnetism lights the air. His gaze meets mine, and everyone else melts away. His bottom jaw drops, and his eyes darken as they take me in. I like to think I’m appraising him the same way, but I can’t be certain because he’s making me feel incredible things from a mere look. Tommy excuses himself from the conversation he was having and approaches me, a slow, confident walk with his eyes fixed on mine. His smile is wide and white, and it takes my breath away.
“Hi,” he says simply when he offers me a hand.
“Hi back,” I reply, unable to control the goofy smile disfiguring my face. “I made it,” I whisper lower, realizing others are watching our interaction.
“You did, and you’re hotter than a tin roof in August.”
I laugh even though I shouldn’t. “That was bad,” I counter.
“Do you believe in love at first sight,” he says, stepping closer, yet holding his mischievous grin.
Narrowing my eyes, I press my lips together. I would have said no before I met him. A thousand times no, but I’m reevaluating everything I thought I knew these days. It’s good for me. “Maybe,” I whisper.
“Or should I walk by again,” Tommy replies.
I really laugh this time, and we catch even more attention than he had moments before. “Walk by again,” I say, teasing, pushing my lips into a tight line.
Unexpectedly, he turns his back to me, paces away, turns around, and walks toward me while I continue laughing. He leans in and whispers,“You fell that time?”
My breath lodges in my throat, and butterflies invade my stomach. I shake my head as the scent of his cologne takes over my very last brain cell. He leans away, taking it away. “What?”
I meet his eyes, and it slips, the vulnerable segment of my heart that’s been locked away. I whisper, “I fell a while ago, Tommy,”
He grins, then kisses me on the cheek. A chaste peck in mixed company. “You look beautiful, and so did I.” Another flip of my stomach. “Ready to make the rounds now? They already love you.”
I’m not nervous by nature. You can’t be in the world I live in. If anything, a woman must be assertive and show no sign of emotion. Somehow Tommy knows I’m uneasy and is doing everything he can to fix that. More telepathic communication. Swallowing hard, I confirm I’m ready, and we set off to meet aunties, uncles, cousins, friends, and everything in between. It’s the South, so I’m not sure who are actual blood relations and who are family members by proxy. I smile, and I tell the truth. I don’t lie about what I do or feel the need to hide anything about myself. Being myself is easy when that’s what Tommy brings out in me. Several times I saw his mom watching us, an encasement of happiness buzzing around her.
“I’m starving,” Tommy says. “Uncle Ricky really sucks the energy,” he adds. “Let’s disappear into the kitchen for a few minutes to eat in peace.” He takes my hand and leads me away from the crowd and into the air conditioning. Two plates are sitting on the expansive kitchen island. “Mom made them for us. Knew we’d be occupied for a while.”The ladies who were in here earlier have left. We have the room to ourselves.
“I love your family,” I say. “This ranch is beautiful. I stand corrected. I grew up on a farm, not a ranch. Are all those pastures in the distance yours?”
“Largest producer of beef in the South. Pretty much everything the sun touches is ours. It’s a lot of work.” His voice trails off at the end. “Too much work for them.They’re getting older.”
I dive into my plate, sliding onto a barstool next to Tommy. “Who will care for it when your parents can’t?”
He looks down at me, sauce on the corner of his mouth. I wipe it away with my thumb. “That’s another reason I’m here. My dad wanted to talk shop with me. He wanted to make a ten-year plan. Or rather ask me if I wanted to be included in it. I grew up here, in this lifestyle. It was the obvious choice for me, but I don’t know if I could be happy after…living the life I live. It might not be enough to keep me occupied.”
I widen my eyes. “It sounds like it would be enough to keep ten of you occupied, Tommy. What exactly is it that you’re running from, or what is it this lacks?”
“The excitement,” he deadpans, but then again, maybe I’m looking for excitement in the wrong places. “The only big chance I ever took was to not follow the path laid out for me. Choosing something unexpected. I’m good at being a SEAL. I am. But since I met you, I swear I could be happy any old place doing fuck all or everything in the world. I was running from someone, I think.”
“Oh,” I exclaim, coleslaw dropping back to my plate. “That’s deep.”
“Could you ever see yourself moving back to Texas?” I feel like my answer has the potential to wound him. “If the time was right, I mean.”
I swallow. “I’m not from anywhere around here, but I’m also in the camp of never say never. I didn’t see myself getting seriously involved with someone ever again, and for your person, I think you try to do anything. I know that home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling, and when you’re with the right one, home can be anywhere. You should do whatever you want, though. Don’t let anyone else influence what your dreams are.” I press my lips together. “True love is when you support the dream no matter what. Even when it’s messy and doesn’t make sense.” I have to say it. “As long as it’s a healthy dream, and there’s loyalty, and nobody’s getting hurt.”
Tommy reaches over and holds my face. “Have I told you today how perfect you are?”
I feel tears prick my eyes. Not because of what he said. It’s because of what he’s made me say without asking. “You have. Several times. Have I told you how much this means to me? You and me?” The lump in my throat grows. “I know now that you are what I need. And you are what I want.”
He narrows his eyes and cocks his head as if he’s trying to make sense of my words. “Margo, I won’t hurt you. I need you to look me in the eyes and watch me promise that to you. It’s the promise for this date.”
My eyes glass over, but I meet his steely gaze. He takes my chin in his hand. He smells like BBQ sauce and forever. “I promise I won’t hurt you. Not the way he did, and not any other way the human mind can conceive of. I promise you.”
I nod and try to look away, but he doesn’t let me. “I know you promise, but sometimes life makes fools of us, and it’s unpredictable, and sometimes it’s just our turn for bad luck.” I pause. “Even knowing that, I will trust you, and you can trust me to promise you the same.” The words sting because don’t they always when you place your heart in a new place? Jeannie would be proud of me, but more than her, I’m proud of me. “I will give you what’s left. All of it.”
Tommy kisses me. Hands in my hair, wild yet filled with intent. My eyes closed, I lose myself in his possession. That’s what it feels like to be kissed by him. He owns me. With a racing mind and heart, I’m shaken back to reality by a female voice. “Ya’ll kids are the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Something about young love that makes me feel like anything is possible.”
Tommy and I pull away from each other. That’s what respectable, well-bred, southern folks our age would do in the company of an elder. “I’m sorry, Ms. Finch, I thought we were alone. Are you having a nice time?” Tommy asks, tone mannerly.
“Oh, don’t mind me at all. I’m having a wonderful time. It’s nice to see you happy after…well, after what she did to you.” Everyone knows who she is, and it makes me uncomfortable. Probably not as much as Tommy feels. He shifts in his seat, and I can’t bring myself to look at his face. “That wasn’t polite of me, I’m sorry for bringing her up. Especially with the engagement party tomorrow.”
He recovers quickly, telling her he’s doing better than ever and wishes his ex nothing but the best. She presses him further, wanting answers he doesn’t have, nor would he share if he knew. By the time she excuses herself, I’m pacing next to the side door ready to make an exit because I’m so prickly. If this is any indication of what the engagement party might be like, I’m terrified for him and selfishly for me. This is a close-knit family and town, and not only am I an outsider, I’m the rebound. The one who came after his forever. Even if it didn’t come to fruition, these people don’t know Tommy without her.
After a long sigh, he turns to face me, hands on his hips. “If you don’t want to go tomorrow, I understand.” Again, it’s as if he can read my mind, or else he’s attuned to the things people say and how they may be construed. Either way, it’s flattering and heals a little part of me.
“I would never leave you to fend for yourself. What kind of girlfriend would that make me?”
His face lights up as he extends his hand to me. “What date is this again? Five?” On the last word, his eyes flit over my body and rise back up to meet mine. “Because today definitely counts as a date for Jeannie’s project.”
“Two. This is date two, and you know it,” I reply, voice hoarse. “Tomorrow is going to be fine,” I reassure him, changing the subject back to where I know his mind is at. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being strong for the other person. Even if they don’t ask. Even when it makes you uncomfortable, especially when if the roles were reversed, you’d appreciate the support. “I’ll be there for you, and I don’t care what anyone else says or thinks. We’ll make the most of it. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.” The words have an aftertaste, one that frightens me. Always. One word can either be the biggest lie or the world’s greatest gift, and most of the time, you don’t know which until you’re dead and buried.
Tommy narrows his eyes. “I don’t know how I got this lucky. What would have happened if I’d gotten a different trainer? If we never met?”
“Well, I’d probably be on a fifth date with Chad, contemplating my life choices. Jeannie would be telling me I need to give him a chance because my decision-making is poor. I’d be trying to find new hobbies to distract myself from the bitterness I felt. Maybe cooking or knitting?”
Tommy’s grin is sinful. “You took that literally.”
I lift and lower one shoulder. “Maybe not knitting, something more active to expend more energy? Rock climbing is something I’ve always wanted to try.” Pausing, I think about where he’d be. “If we never met, you would probably be here with someone else. You would have met someone else for sure.”
He shakes his head. “When I first asked you to come here with me, I knew I liked you. It was never just for show. I called it pretend until I had time to convince you I was a good decision.”
The early morning when he stumbled into the gym comes to mind. Working with the most elite fighters on the planet comes with afew hang-ups. One of them is I always put them above myself on the food chain. Sort of how a lot of people glamourize celebrities. Like they’re a different breed of human or something. They have an untouchable quality—feel like they’re made of something rare and elusive. I call it the god complex. Not only are the SEALs supposed to be legally out of reach romantically, but I put them in the unattainable box immediately because I’m just a plain normal person. There’s nothing special about me, no rare qualities or special attributes to my name. “You never had to convince me you were a good decision, only that you were actually interested in me.”
He tells me that it’s crazy talk. He tells me the reasons why he was attracted to me. Everything from the way I sip coffee to the way my nose tips up just slightly. He calls to attention parts of me I never realized might be special. Tommy took the slip of trust I had left, and he’s spinning it into something expansive. My heart swells as he tips my bright red face up to meet his eyes and kisses me.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Come. You need to meet a few more of my family members.”
From this second on, I decide to put everything from my past aside and leave it there. For good this time.
I’m telling the story for a second time because my mom doesn’t believe it’s true, or she does and just wants to hear me tell it again because I’m excited. If there was another person on the planet who didn’t think I’d find another man after Hollis, it was her. Mostly because she felt how broken I was every time she saw me or talked to me. I kept Tommy a secret from her until now—when I was confident of my feelings. “Margarite, I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but this is shocking. It seems like it came out of nowhere.”She’s the only person I allow to call me my full name because she gave it. It means pearl, but I am a Margo through and through.
“I mean, it did, it just sucks he’s from work, you know? This job is a contract and will end eventually, and then our relationship can be out in the open and normal.”
Mom goes silent. “Could you lose the job now if someone finds out?”
There’s one thing I can count on my mom for, and it’s that she’s pragmatic. Her advice is always solid even if I didn’t want to admit that during my teenage years. “Technically, yes, but, Mom, it’s real. I feel it in my bones. I won’t be on this base forever.” There is one exception, and it’s true love. Sure, she was sure Hollis was that person for me, but his actions couldn’t be accounted for at the end of the relationship. “We’ll be careful,” I whisper. “Jeannie even approves,” I say, smiling. She loves Jeannie.
“I’m happy for you. Is it too much too soon, though? It seems like you were heartbroken yesterday and today you’re at this man’s family home meeting his granny. I am sure your feelings are different. I am only learning about it just now, so it is a lot for me to take in. Is this love bombing? I read about that in an article last month that someone posted in my book club group. Where it’s all upfront, and then his emotions and actions fizzle into something less attractive?” Mom clears her throat. “I’m not discounting your feelings, I’m playing devil’s advocate because I’m still a neutral party. I haven’t met him yet.”
“That’s a good point. He has only ever had one real relationship. It was long. He thought she was his forever.”
“That’s a problem,” she replies. “Are they still friends?”
“No. Not at all, but he is religious, and I think that’s one of the main reasons he was with her for so long and didn’t question it. We’re going to her engagement party tomorrow, and I know he has to be nervous, and if I’m being honest, I’m terrified.”
“What are you scared of?”
I lose my breath. “That he’s going to see her and have a lifetime of memories flood in, and suddenly I’ll just be this tiny blip. I can’t compete with a past as thick as that.”
“She’s getting married to someone else, so I think that cancels out the thickness, sweetie,” she says, voice soothing. “Is that the only thing you’re worried about?”
“Am I good enough? Did Hollis take all the good parts of me when he left, Mom? It feels that way. I gave him everything, and when he left, he took those parts. They’re going to compare me to his ex, even if she’s marrying someone else, and I’m just a washed-up personal trainer with a druggie ex. God, I don’t even know what she looks like. She has to be a ten, and I’m a five on a good day. You should see this man. Not only is he sweet, kind, and all-around amazing, he looks fake. His body is perfect from top to bottom. Proportions are magazine-worthy. It’s…I don’t know if I deserve this either. I’m worried about a lot of things.”
“You are so much more than a personal trainer. You are a physical therapist, Margarite. We accept the love we think we deserve. You have to stop punishing yourself for Hollis’s mistakes. He was a part of your life, but he never had a say in who you are. You are worthy of a perfect love. If Tommy doesn’t see that, then he’s not the man for you. You’re more than good enough, and you still have all the amazing parts. They’re inside you. No one can take them.” Her voice softens. “Anyone who meets you loves you. You have always been an empath. You feel deeply, and that’s a blessing right now. Dive in headfirst and give him all the good parts. That’s the only way to try on love to see if it fits. All at once. Recklessly, and unabashedly. Go ahead and worry because I know nothing can stop that, but don’t forget to leave room for happiness.” I glance at my closed door because a creak echoes. The house is enormous—the hallways seem to stretch on for miles in every direction. I know that the room I’m in is on the opposite side of the house from where I left Tommy.
Tommy had been talking to his parents in the home office about the ranch business, so I decided to call Mom to update her. “Mom, I want to take everything you said and wrap it up for a gift to open when I’m feeling like shit. I hope you’re right.”
“That’s what I’m here for, baby. To tell you how amazing you are anytime you forget. Not because I raised you, either. Because of who you became all on your own. When do I get to meet him? Should I fly in for a visit when you get back from Texas?”
“I will need your stamp of approval,” I muse. A soft knock on my door makes my stomach flip. “Come in,” I call from my spot in an oversized chair. “Mom, I’ll call you tomorrow, and I’ll tell you everything.” Tommy peeks around the door.
“You’re enough. I love you.”
She ends the call after I return the sentiment.
“Everything okay?” I ask, reading the weary lines settling across his face.
“It is now,” he replies, tone gruff. He shuts the door behind him, then locks it.