Chapter 11
11
JESSE
Now
‘I wanted the blue piece!’ Oscar protested through thick, lispy lips, prodding his finger at a towering Minecraft birthday cake fashioned out of blue and green blocks.
‘What’s wrong with that green one?’ Elena asked, although she knew what was coming.
‘It’s small.’
‘It’s not small. It’s a big piece of cake, you’re a very lucky boy.’
‘I want a blue piece!’
Oscar’s twin brother Fred, who had the same narrow blue eyes and curly hair, although his hair was dark brown to Oscar’s sandy blond, looked down at his own plate, quietly pleased with how the cake cutting gods had favoured him.
Oscar glared at his twin, the temptation to take his plate searing through him. Fred gave him a don’t you dare stare.
‘If you argue then neither of you will have any cake!’ Elena said sharply.
‘I’m not arguing,’ Fred said in a matter-of-fact manner, not taking his eyes off his brother, who was so close to grabbing Fred’s plate, or worse, flipping it up in the air.
‘Oscar why don’t you choose another piece?’ Elena suggested, as calmly as she could, but the boy was locked in a silent standoff with his brother. It was the twins’ birthday, and Elena had just realised that seven-year-old boys might be the most selfish creatures on the planet. Still, she did her best not to lose her cool and declare it in a rage, today of all days. ‘Look, Ida hasn’t even had a piece and you’re complaining about yours!’
Elena, knife in hand, looked over at Ida and Jesse, coiled together on the sofa. ‘Would you like some cake, sweetie? This piece has a chocolate number seven on it.’
‘No!’ the boys shouted in harmony, surprising even themselves, united by their mutual greed.
Ida clung to her dad’s middle, arms wrapped around him as they slunk into the sofa, and shook her head.
‘No thank you,’ she said in a little voice. A sadness had washed over Ida that even cake couldn’t counter.
It was getting to that time , when she would have to unpeel herself from her father, for a reason that didn’t even make sense.
Why was her daddy living with silly Oscar and Fred and not her?
Elena softened with Ida’s sadness.
‘Are you sure, lovely girl? I can wrap some up for you to take home…?’
That made Ida feel even worse. She didn’t want to go home because then this day would end. She squeezed her dad tighter.
‘It looks yummy, my love, let’s take some with us yes? You could have it in your packed lunch tomorrow. Or – shhhhh – for breakfast!’
Jesse tried to make light of the fact that his heart was breaking too.
Andrew popped his head around the door of the living room. Its high ceilings and clean Georgian lines muted by a grey June Sunday and the post-party mess and detritus. Twenty children, aged six and seven, had trampled their way through the house before Safari Steve turned up to tame them, with his boxes of tarantulas, beetles, a boa constrictor, meerkat and an owl. Only Fred had been brave enough to wear the boa like a scarf.
‘Just nipping out for a bit,’ Andrew said casually.
Elena, still wielding a large knife, looked at her husband in disbelief.
‘For what? The shops are probably shut.’
She had almost lost her shit at 11a.m. when Andrew sat reading the Observer while she, Jesse and Ida threaded pineapple and cheese chunks onto cocktail sticks and pierced them into a cucumber crocodile. It was now 4.30p.m. and the relief at the party having gone well was countered by the mountain of mess that needed clearing up.
Andrew looked across the room as if to say, And?
‘You’re going out now?’
‘Yeah, I need to get my steps in and decompress.’
Andrew and his bloody steps , Elena and Jesse both thought.
Andrew left the room as quickly as he had entered.
Jesse had become accustomed to Andrew’s weird walks at inappropriate times, but they didn’t always seem fair on Elena. Sometimes he’d go to get a paper and end up walking for an hour or two, returning home empty handed, saying he got lost in a podcast, expecting Elena to be pleased he’d got an extra 5,000, 8,000 or 10,000 steps in. When the twins hassled their parents to get a dog and Andrew protested, Elena reasoned that it would be a guaranteed way for Andrew to get all his bloody steps in. Except she knew she would end up walking it, and she was a teacher, she didn’t have time to walk a dog around Hampstead Heath three times a day.
Ida yawned and sprawled further across her dad, locking him into place with a little leg. Maybe her golden-brown tendrils could pin them both to the sofa and neither of them would be able to get up and go, although she did want to be back home. She just wanted to be there with her daddy, sitting on the end of her bed, reading her a favourite Magic Animal Friends book and not going anywhere.
The twins were still frozen in silent combat, staring each other down over Fred’s blue piece of cake being bigger than Oscar’s green one. Neither dared make a move.
‘Just choose another one, Oscar, for goodness’ sake!’ Elena said. ‘And bring your cake into the kitchen, you boys need water to counter all that sugar.’
The front door clicked and Jesse and Elena heard Andrew whistle as he flew down the stoop.
‘You sure you don’t want any?’ Jesse asked Ida, to distract from Andrew’s selfishness more than anything. Andrew had always been prone to it. When the baby group lot would get together and have a picnic on the Heath or Regent’s Park, Andrew would serve himself a big plate first and go and sit on the nicest looking rug while Elena tussled with the twins. It irked Jesse, even though there were many reasons he liked Andrew. He was funny. He was gregarious. He had given him a roof over his head, although Jesse suspected it had been Elena’s idea.
Ida shook her head again.
‘No thank you.’
‘Come on, boys, let’s eat in the kitchen, leave Ida in peace. I’ll start the bath.’
As quick as a flash Oscar grabbed the cake on Fred’s plate while Fred, rather than lose it, smashed it into Oscar’s Minecraft T-shirt, twisting the plate in circles just to really be sure it couldn’t be eaten.
‘Wahhhh!’ cried Oscar.
‘Raaaa!’ raged Fred.
‘Get upstairs, now! Both of you! It might be your birthday but NO CAKE NOW!’ Elena bellowed, while Fred made a run for it and Oscar chased him up the stairs.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Elena mouthed to Jesse, although he felt bad for being there. He always did. He had to find a solution soon, whether it was to go home or find his own flat. He just about had the means. This was only meant to be a stopgap.
Jesse gave Elena a grateful nod, then stroked Ida’s hair and tucked a curl behind her ear. It reminded him of the way Minnie tucked strands of her short black bob behind her studded ear, and he felt weird to have thought about her right here, right now, while he was with Ida.
Jesse had got back from Beyoncé Bingo happy and merry, pleased that they had evolved from the polite chit-chat at the zoo to something deeper, talking about their fears, work dreams and grief. It had surprised him that he was pleasantly surprised by the shift. Even though he felt self-conscious dancing to ‘Survivor’ with Minnie, he liked the fact that he never would have foreseen it at the zoo. Even less so in the cafe at Bondiga’s. But the conversation on the tube about his dad had been enough to gently sober him up, and he felt content on the walk back to the house and able to wrap a pass the parcel gift for the party while Andrew popped out to get ice from the off licence. While they wrapped presents and chatted, Elena said she thought Beyoncé Bingo sounded fricking amazing, but was more intrigued by who Jesse had gone to the bingo with, given it didn’t sound like something he would have chosen to do by himself. Elena had been terribly worried about her adorable Jesse; life had been so cruel to him and she still couldn’t bear to talk to Hannah. If Hannah posted something on Instagram, or sent a message on the baby group mums WhatsApp, Elena would internally curse and not respond.
‘Oh just a mate I’m helping with some work,’ he had said, which only piqued Elena’s interest more.
‘You know you don’t owe Hannah anything,’ she said with a sage look.
Jesse smiled, gratefully, as he wrapped Starburst sweets into layers of paper and tried not to cry.
‘Can I stay here tonight?’ Ida asked quietly. Jesse’s heart broke into a million little pieces all over again.
‘With those crazy boys?’ Jesse asked, pointing to the ceiling. From the living room they could hear the stampede from Elena chasing the twins into the bathroom.
‘Oscar and Fred get to have sleepovers with you.’
Jesse felt a sharp pain in his chest.
‘They’re not in my room, darling. I’m just in the spare room.’
‘No but they see you at night and in the morning and have breakfast with you. You’re my daddy.’
‘I am, and I always will be. This isn’t for long.’
‘Why does Janey babysit me? Why don’t you babysit me?’
‘Who’s Janey?’
‘She looked after me last night.’
‘Last night?’
For fuck’s sake.
Suddenly Jesse felt terrible about having been at Beyoncé Bingo while his daughter was being babysat by someone new. Janey wasn’t the first babysitter Ida had mentioned in the past few months. Hannah had booked their neighbour’s daughter Daisy to look after Ida a few times – she had even trialled a girl called Leonor to be a nanny Jesse didn’t want Ida to have – Jesse had been devasted when he’d found out.
Why didn’t you fucking ask me? he’d asked Hannah in a hastily sent text. I’m her dad. I’d give anything to sit with her on a Saturday or a Tuesday night – and you’re paying some teenager who doesn’t give a shit?!
Please, give me room, Hannah had responded.
Jesse scoffed. Surely he should be the one needing room after what she had done to him.
Then there was Freya – Jesse didn’t know where the hell she’d come from. And now Janey. When Jesse’s real question was: why did Hannah keep going out on the Saturdays she had Ida anyway? Jesse treasured his weekends with his daughter.
It felt like another treacherous move.
‘What’s Janey like?’ Jesse asked, as neutrally as he could.
‘I don’t know, she didn’t talk to me, she was on her phone.’ Ida then cupped her hand over her mouth and whispered, ‘I think to her boyfriend.’ Jesse saw a flash of Ida’s mischievous smile reappear before it fluttered away again.
‘I’ll talk to Mama, see if I can babysit instead.’ Jesse shuffled. ‘I want to be with you, more than anything, I promise.’
Ida said nothing as they listened to the thud of the boys running along the landing to the bathroom and Jesse sat up, unpeeling Ida from him so he could get up. ‘Come on, let’s wrap a few pieces for you. Breakfast, lunch and dinner tomorrow,’ he said with a cheeky grin.