Loch Lomond
Two Years Earlier
The beach was pitch black except for the lights from the hotel behind me.
Letting my eyes accustom to the darkness, I sat down near the shore, wrapping myself in the world’s cosiest tartan blanket (strategically borrowed from my room).
I began to pick out the shapes of the mountains on the other side of the loch.
I couldn’t remember which one Aidan had said was the tallest. Ben Lomond, I think he’d said it was called.
I had my trusty notebook with me and had planned to write some notes for the next day while I was down here, but I pretty swiftly worked out that it was too dark and I’d have to just think for now, and hope I remembered everything when I got back to my room and could write it down.
We were going out on the lake on a water bus tomorrow and Tim had asked me to help him prep the script, by which he meant do all of the research and give him all of the information so that he could pass the whole thing off as his own work.
‘Hello.’
I looked up to see Aidan towering over me. He had a blanket around his shoulders, too and was clutching a tumbler in each hand.
‘Mind if I join you?’ he asked.
‘Sure,’ I said, putting my notebook down.
‘You’re still working,’ he said, lowering himself onto the pebbles.
‘Sadly.’
‘Whisky?’ he said, offering me a glass.
‘I shouldn’t.’
I’d already had two glasses of wine with dinner and the last thing I needed was a hangover in the morning. I wanted to get up early and do a recce of the pier, where we’d be catching the boat from later in the day. Then again, it was tempting. When in Rome, right?
‘Go on then,’ I said, taking it from him.
I twirled the glass around in my hand. I liked how the ice sounded when it clinked against the side.
‘How was the footage from earlier?’ asked Aidan, leaning back on his elbows and looking out across the water.
‘Great, actually. Lou’s really good. She somehow made Ruthie look as though she was an accomplished, confident kayaker. And, to Ruthie’s credit, she managed to fake having a good time.’
‘That is impressive,’ he said, smiling.
I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, listening to the water lapping gently on the pebbles.
‘Do you smell that?’ I said, still with my eyes closed.
‘Smell what?’ he asked.
‘Heather. If you concentrate hard enough, you can smell it on the wind. It’s sweet. Tangy. Go on, try.’
He was silent for a bit. I imagined him with his eyes closed, too, sniffing at the air.
‘I’ve got it,’ he said eventually.
My eyes popped open. In the distance, I could hear the soft sound of bagpipes, the evocative local music they’d been playing in the lodge’s restaurant all night.
‘Do you like your job?’ Aidan suddenly asked me.
I leaned back on my elbows, too, lifting my face to the sky.
‘Sort of. I guess it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I decided I wanted to work in TV.’
‘What did you have in mind?’
I laughed. ‘I imagined myself producing one of those really cool Netflix shows. Amazing Vacation Rentals, or something where they have about twenty crew members and make everything look cinematic.’
‘You like the big-budget stuff.’
‘I like the idea of going further than Lanzarote.’
‘Holiday Shop is just a starting point, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘Nothing’s stopping you doing your dream job after.’
‘In theory.’
‘You don’t sound convinced …’ he said, leaning back further, so that we were almost perfectly symmetrical.
‘I’m realistic, that’s all. Exciting stuff doesn’t generally happen to me.
I’ve never been one to dream big. I think shooting kayaks on Loch Lomond or paragliding in Tenerife is probably as good as it’s going to get.
And that’s fine. I like it. I’m lucky, right?
My job’s pretty exciting compared to most people’s. ’
Aidan rubbed at his jaw. ‘I agree. I tell myself that again and again. But then, at the same time, I know I want more.’
I looked at his legs, stretched out, dangerously close to mine. Dangerous because I suddenly wanted to press my thigh into his. And he was a stranger, pretty much, and I never felt like this, so why was this happening?
‘Such as?’ I said, thinking that if I kept talking, my mind wouldn’t wander.
‘I want to find these little hidden corners of the world where hardly anyone has been and I want to write about them so brilliantly that everyone who reads my article thinks: I have to go there.’
‘What’s the most amazing place you’ve been to so far?’ I asked him.
He turned to look at me. ‘Chile, maybe. Or New Zealand? Saying that, I always find something amazing wherever I am.’
His eye lashes were really long, I could see that now that my eyes had accustomed to the dark. Stubble sprouted on his jawline, but it looked as though it would be soft if I ran my thumb over it.
‘Even Loch Lomond?’ I asked.
‘Even that.’
I held his gaze. For some reason, it didn’t feel as though I needed to look away, even though clearly I probably should. I brought my whisky to my lips and took a sip, putting one hand on my chest as the heat of it flowed down my throat, warming me as it went.
‘Good?’ he asked.
I nodded, taking another sip.
‘For some reason I can’t stop looking at you,’ he said, propping himself up on one hand, holding his whisky in the other. When he smiled, I felt my breath quicken.
I reached out, tentatively, stroking his wrist. Was this me making the first move?
I usually made some attempt to play it cool in situations like this, but it never really got me anywhere, so maybe changing it up was good.
He was either interested in getting to know me or he wasn’t; I didn’t suppose it mattered who touched who first.
He looked down at my fingers and then took a sip of his own drink and I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed.
I imagined trailing my finger under his chin, down his throat, unbuttoning his shirt, running my hand across his chest. He put his glass down and looped his fingers through my hair.
‘You’re very beautiful,’ he said, inching closer.
‘This is probably a bad idea,’ I said, not meaning it. ‘Because I’m supposed to—’
He kissed me mid-sentence. Lightly at first, then pulling back.
‘You were saying?’ he asked.
‘Doesn’t matter,’ I said, grasping at the back of his head and pulling him into me.
I still had ice on my tongue and he tasted like I did, of cold whisky.
I pushed him back so that he was lying on the beach and then flipped myself over, straddling him.
‘This is very unprofessional of me,’ I said, letting out a soft moan as he ran his hands down my hips, pressing me harder into him, digging his fingernails into my back.
He was as turned on as I was, I could feel it now.
I ran my hands under his shirt, so eager to feel his body underneath that I nearly ripped it open, like you see people do in films. I fumbled with the buttons instead, tearing at them impatiently.
And then I heard a door open, the bagpipes getting louder, a door shutting behind someone. I rolled off him, instinctively touched my hair, pressed my lips together. He sat up, pulling his open shirt across him.
Somebody walked behind us, crunching on the pebbles.
‘Evening,’ said a male voice with a Scottish lilt.
‘Evening!’ I called back, making some attempt to glance over my shoulder. I felt around for my blanket, pulling it across me.
We were silent for a bit. My heart returned to its normal rhythm.
Aidan smiled. ‘I don’t usually do that. Kiss women I barely know.’
‘Really? I thought you’d be king of the holiday romance?’
‘Well, this isn’t a holiday.’
‘True,’ I conceded.
‘Anyway, I’ve never actually had one.’
I gave him a disbelieving look. A man who looked like that? He had to have women pining for him all over the place. ‘Not even with all your travelling?’
His knee grazed against mine. I was tempted to stop talking and take up where we’d left off.
‘I don’t usually let myself get distracted by beautiful women while I’m working,’ he said.
I tucked my hair behind my ears, self-conscious, suddenly.
‘I’ve embarrassed you, haven’t I?’ he said.
I shrugged.
‘You are, though. Really beautiful.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Are you seeing anyone? Back in London?’ he asked.
I shook my head. ‘Too busy.’
‘Hmmn,’ he said, as though thinking deeply about what I’d said, trying to work out the subtext.
I didn’t even know the subtext. Well, I could probably work it out if I thought hard enough about it, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment.
I was having fun for once. Fun without the fear of consequences, because there was no way this was going to go anywhere.
It was just a moment, on a beach, in Scotland.
I bet that when I was back in London, I’d barely be able to remember it.
‘Relationships scare me a bit, if I’m honest,’ I said quietly.
‘I can never get the balance quite right. The idea that you have to give enough of yourself so that the other person knows who you are, but not too much, in case it doesn’t work out.
Because you’d fall apart completely, then, wouldn’t you? ’
He looked as though he was contemplating this.
‘I don’t think you’d fall apart.’
Maybe not, but I wasn’t prepared to risk it.
‘What about you?’ I asked.
‘I’m not seeing anyone, either,’ he said.
It was a bit late for me to ask now, wasn’t it? This was what happened when you went around kissing people without thinking. He could have been married for all I knew, and then I would have felt terrible.
I was very aware of his arm resting against mine. I wanted to kiss him again, but I thought the moment had probably passed.
‘Would you like to come back to my room?’ he asked, his words piercing the air.
Although I wanted to say yes, yes definitely, I forced myself to think about Tim (of all people!). And Ruthie. And Holiday Shop.
‘Better not,’ I said, not convincing myself. ‘Big day tomorrow.’
‘Sure,’ he said. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.’
‘It’s fine. Don’t feel bad about it.’
I stood up and as I did, he held on to my hand, tugging it gently, as though he was going to pull me back down on top of him, which in some ways I wanted him to. Instead I eased my fingers away.
‘See you around, then,’ I said.
‘Actually, I was going to ask if I could join you guys on your lake cruise tomorrow? Would you mind? It could be good for my story.’
‘Does a day trip around the loch count as a sport, then?’ I teased.
He smiled. ‘I don’t see why not.’
He looked dazzling in the moonlight, his hair slightly dishevelled now.
I waved and walked back towards the lodge. I couldn’t look around because I knew that if I did, I’d be going back to his room in an instant.