19. Chapter Nineteen
Ican’t help but feel frustrated with myself. Ever since I had sex with Xander two days ago, I’ve been feeling on edge. Whenever my mother tries to talk to me, I’ve end up shouting at her. But now, she’s finally giving me some space.
When I arrived home that night after Xander walked away, I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t know what I’d expect would happen. No, I knew exactly what would happen. He walked away once he got what he wanted. After watching him all these years, I’m familiar with his patterns. However, despite feeling pissed at him, pissed at myself, and pissed at the world, I can’t get it out of my head that I had sex with Xander. The hottest guy in school, and my ultimate crush.
My thoughts are constantly playing tricks on me as I try to distance myself from him. However, memories of how amazing he made me feel and the way he touched my body keep replaying in my mind.
It’s frustrating that he hasn’t even bothered to text, but in all fairness, I haven’t reached out to him either. I suppose I finally understand where I stand. He got what he wanted and now he’s off to find another wet hole to stick his dick into, as he always does.
Glancing up from my E-reader at school today, I noticed him sitting with Ace in his usual spot, engrossed in conversation. Jade was also sitting there next to him. The mere thought of him doing to her what he did to me fills me with anger and jealousy. But the best part was when Jade tried to give him a lap dance, and he shoved her off. She ended up falling flat on her butt. I nearly laughed my ass off because she totally deserved it.
And then there was this one moment when he was sitting there all alone, just watching me. The second our eyes met, I swiftly gathered my stuff and hightailed it out of there, making sure he didn”t see my tears. Yeah, my dumbass tears over some guy who doesn”t give a shit about me and probably never will.
Every day that”s gone by, I can feel myself weakening, wanting to give in and talk to him. I can’t help but wonder if he”s eating. I’ve even started watching through the window again, just to see if he’s heading to the 7-Eleven for a quick bite. All I want is for us to be friends again like we were before. If only I had been more cautious with my silly crush. Maybe then, all of this could’ve been prevented.
By the fifth day, my mind becomes overwhelmed with a torrent of racing thoughts, suffocating me entirely. Jade and her bitches persist in their cruelty, showing no signs of relenting. I am too exhausted to summon the strength to fight back, so I simply turn and walk away, while she revels in the laughter. Has Xander Williams truly broken me?
Then, for a few more days, after school, I end up driving around aimlessly, trying to delay going home and having to face my mom. I simply cannot endure another day of her incessantly questioning me about what’s bothering me, or her relentless belief that pursuing a career in music would be the gravest mistake I could ever make.
It’s been over a week since I had sex with Xander, and I’m feeling incredibly down. I can’t seem to focus or enjoy watching my favorite TV show. Everyday tasks feel overwhelming, and I’m struggling to function normally. How did I end up in this state of mind?
Today has been the worst day so far. Jade not only confronted me, but she also ratted me out for skipping English class and hanging out in the girls’ bathroom, which led to a week of detention. I just didn’t want to be around Xander during that class. I naively thought it would be fine to relax in the girls’ bathroom and scroll through my phone. However, I never considered the consequences of someone spotting me there, especially Jade, who I’m certain figured out I was in there and snitched to the teacher.
Finally, I let out a long, exhausted breath as the school bell signals the end of the day. All I want is to escape from this place. I casually sling my bag over my shoulder and make my way to my locker. Once everything is sorted, I quickly stuff the homework that’s due tomorrow into my bag, and then head out of school.
In the car park, there’s a bustle of activity. I navigate around a group of guys engrossed in a conversation about meeting up somewhere. As I search through my bag for my keys, I glance back up and catch sight of Xander casually leaning against the side of my car. My steps falter, and a surge of emotions washes over me. He is completely absorbed in his phone, oblivious to my presence. With a mix of anticipation and uncertainty, I stand there for a moment. My heart races as I gather the courage to approach him. But if he honestly thinks he can simply hook up with me again, he is mistaken.
As I draw closer, he lifts his head, the sound of my footsteps grabbing his attention. When our eyes meet, a jolt of electricity races through me, stimulating every fiber of my being. He rises and effortlessly slips his phone into his pocket.
”Hey,” he says, his eyes scanning my body with intensity.
“What do you want, Xander?” I continue walking past him, heading towards the driver’s door.
“I want to talk,” he says, following closely behind.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I declare, opening the door and casually tossing my bag onto the back seat.
“Come on, Princess, we need to have this conversation,” he insists, reaching out to touch my arm.
I swallow hard, determined to push the overwhelming feeling aside. I take a deep breath and remind myself to focus on the task. Though the sensation lingers, weighing heavily on my chest, I refuse to let it distract me. With a firm tug, I yank my arm away from him, resolute in my decision to get into the car. “You made your feelings quite clear the other day,” I add.
“Fuck,” he mutters, clearly annoyed. Stepping forward, he effectively traps me in place, rendering me unable to move. “Quit being stubborn, alright?”
“Well, stop being a complete asshole,” I retort, my gaze locked on his as I get right up close in his face.
His lips curl up into a cocky grin, revealing a row of perfectly white teeth. The gleam in his eyes adds to the arrogance emanating from his face. I can almost hear the smugness in his smirk as he looks at me.
“I just want to talk,” he says.
“Well, I don’t.”
With a gentle touch, he raises his hand, delicately tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I’m mad at myself for liking how it feels when his fingers brush against my skin.
His confident, cocky grin gets even cockier, somehow becoming even more self-assured as he witnesses the effect he has on me.
“You should know, Princess, I never do this. But I’m sorry for bailing on you.”
“Why should it matter? Isn’t that what you usually do when you hook up?”
“Yeah, but this should’ve gone down differently.”
“What? Because I gave you my V Card,” I hear my voice waver as I struggle to keep it under control. “Don’t sweat it, Xander. You’re off the hook.”
I see something flicker on his face like I”ve accidentally hit a nerve. “I wanna make things right with you.”
“Why does it matter?” I ask, the frustration evident in my voice.
“Because it just fucking does,” he replies, his voice laced with frustration. He shuts his eyes, leans in closer, and rests his forehead against mine. The subtle aroma of his cologne hangs in the air. “You drive me so fucking crazy at times, you know that,” he murmurs, his voice a blend of frustration and longing.
“What the fuck?” a voice interjects, echoing from somewhere nearby.
Xander and I quickly straighten, both of us turning towards the voice. Standing there is Jade, her arms folded across her chest, glaring at us.
“Is this why you keep avoiding me? You’d rather spend time with this fat cow than with me,” she accuses.
Xander steps back, creating some space. “Nah, Jade. I”m staying away from you because I can”t get a boner whenever you’re around.”
Xander”s comment has a real impact on Jade. Her expression changes instantly.
“And you expect me to believe that she can? Just look at her!”
Xander storms over to her, his footsteps echoing angrily on the ground. He leans in so close that their noses nearly touch, his face contorts with rage. “If you talk about her like that again, or say the mean shit you usually do, I”ll have Ace send that video to everyone in school. You know the one I’m talking about. Do you fucking hear me?”
Jade’s eyes widen, and her mouth hangs open in utter disbelief.
“So back up and stay the fuck away from me. And that goes for Poppy as well.”
Jade takes a few steps back, quickly shifting her gaze towards me. Without uttering a word, she lowers her head and makes her way to her over pricey car her dad bought her.
I’m at a loss as to what to make of these feelings swirling through my body after just witnessing Xander stand up for me against the biggest bitch in the school, but damn that was hot watching it go down.
He doesn”t take his eyes off Jade until she leaves the school. Then he turns his attention back to me.
“I’ll see you at seven,” he says with a touch of cocky arrogance.
I nod, still shocked by his confrontation with Jade. Words fail me as I watch him stride toward the other side of the parking lot, where Ace’s car is still parked.
It’s around six when I make my way home. Just one hour of dealing with my mom before she leaves for work.
When I walk through the door, I find Mom sitting at the table, all ready for work and chowing down on takeout. I prepare myself for the onslaught on where I’ve been but to my surprise, she gives a warm smile, then nudges the burger box towards my usual spot at the table. “I got you some.”
I toss my bag to the side before making my way over to the table. Sitting down, I eagerly unwrap the burger and take a satisfying bite. All at once I get this weird feeling. I lift my eyes to see her watching me.
“What?” I ask.
“Where have you been?”
With my mouth full, I mutter. “Nowhere. Just driving around.” I take another bite.
I watch as she cleans her fingers with a napkin and raises an eyebrow. “So do you want to fillme in on what’s been going on with you lately?”
“There”s nothing going on,” I say, getting up to grab a can of Coke from the fridge.
She tidies up the table and swiftly tosses the empty boxes into the recycling bin. I can tell that she wants to ask something more, but she’s hesitant because she’s afraid I’ll snap at her, as I have been doing for the past few days.
I let out a deep breath, knowing that this is going down whether I like it or not. “Just speak your mind so we can get this over with,” I say, opening my can and returning to the table to finish my burger.
“You’ll be wasting your life if you follow in your father’s footsteps.” She comes back to the table and sits across from me.
“Really? We’re back onto this,” I add, pausing mid-bite. “It’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think? I wouldn’t say it’s wasting my life.”
Her mouth tightens, showing her anger, and I can sense she’s restraining herself from screaming at me. She takes a deep breath, trying to compose herself. After a brief pause, she finally speaks up.
“Poppy, I need you to listen to me without becoming defensive or interrupting me.”
“Well, that applies to you too. You can’t always have things your way.”
“See, you’ve just done it again. I don”t know how to talk to you anymore.”
“That’s because you only see things from your side. You’re never interested in listening to what I have to say.”
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Without hesitation, I reach for it.
My mother immediately interrupts me. “Don’t even think about grabbing that phone. We haven’t discussed what I need to talk to you about.”
“I’ve heard it all before, Mom,” I respond, rolling my eyes, ignoring the stern look on her face.
Xander: The Rock. Be there at 7.
Poppy: Why?
As I’m about to place my phone face down on the table, I suddenly notice tiny bubbles appearing on the screen.
Xander: Just come the fuck here, Princess.
Poppy: Okay.
I slip my phone back into my pocket and confront my mother’s intense glare.
“Who was that?”
“None of your business. Are we finished yet?”
“No, Poppy, we haven’t even started.”
Releasing a weary breath, I exhale through my cheeks.
“I’m curious about where this idea came from. Why the sudden interest in music?” she asks.
“Oh my god, are you serious? You know, I’ve always loved music. But I guess you don’t really care, since you never listen to me.”
“Why do you always depict me as the bad guy or someone who is so insufferable to live with.”
“Well, sometimes you are,” I reply, causing her to cross her arms over her chest.
“Poppy, you’re young and clueless, and you have no clue about the realities of living in this world. The responsibilities of being a grown-up. How essential money is to function in today’s society. Nothing comes for free. You need a regular nine-to-five job.”
“But I plan to have a nine-to-five job in music therapy. Once I establish my own business, I’ll have the freedom to work whenever I choose.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” she says, frustration evident in the sharpness of her voice with the creases forming on her forehead.
“Get what?” I inquire, trying to read her eyes for any sign of understanding.
“Your dream is just a fantasy,” she asserts.
It’s so annoying when she brushes my dreams off like that. As if they are nothing.
“And I’ve already told you, your opinion doesn’t matter to me,” I declare, standing up from the table, picking up the empty burger box, and tossing it into the bin. “Why can’t you just accept what I want?”
“Because I will always be the one bailing you out when the bills come in, Poppy,” she responds. “And I’m not willing to do that for the rest of your life. You”re almost an adult, so start acting like one.”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that? I will be an adult, and I will have the freedom to choose what I want for my life.” I grab my bag from the floor and head towards my room.
“This is not the end of it, Poppy,” my mother yells as I walk away.
“Oh, yes, it is,” I mutter quietly as I stride into my room, forcefully slamming the door behind me. Frustration lingers in the air as I toss my bag onto the bed and head over to my keyboard. I feel like getting lost in music and also pissing off my mom, so I turn on the keyboard.
Regaining my composure, I channel all my anger into my music, repeatedly going through the song my dad and I were writing.
Glancing at the clock, I realize it’s already seven-thirty. Picking up my phone from the bed, next to my bag where I left it earlier, I notice two missed messages from Xander.
Xander: Are you almost here?
Xander: What the fuck are you doing?
I text him straight away.
Poppy: Sorry, be there in a minute. Got held up.
In a hurry, I sprint out of my bedroom, making a beeline for the front door.