Chapter Forty-Four
Marty
I manage to sit in the taxi the whole way back and not cry.
I manage to walk out of the car and climb the path up to my villa without shedding a tear.
I manage to unlock the door, make my way through the villa, ignoring my parents' voices, not looking up when Maeve stands to greet me, and still not sob.
I get all the way into my room, gently close the door behind me, and collapse into bed and then I finally give myself permission to cry.
Permission to sob, permission to moan, permission to howl out my pain.
But the tears don’t come. It hurts too much.
I curl into a ball, make a fist, lodge it between my teeth and do the one thing that I have been so scared to do since Arnie died. I stay still and feel my pain and my sorrow. I don't try to stop the chaos I feel.
And it fucking hurts.
It’s instant vindication for my past decisions.
Of course, I chose to drink and fuck and get high rather than feel this.
It’s understandable I filled my life with noise rather than the emptiness of nothing that only exists because someone you love can no longer fill it with their laughter, their words, their body.
But with the pain, there is something else, although it is formless and nameless. It's not a comfort as such, just a tender, almost hopeful, awakening as I realise it's happening. I’m still here. The pain feels all-consuming, but it hasn't actually consumed me. Not in this moment.
Maybe, everything really will be okay.
I don't hear a knock if there is one. I don't hear her steps or words if there are any. The first sign of my mother is her hands placing a glass of water and a strip of paracetamol tablets on my bedside table. Then the bed dips as she sits beside me, and I feel her hand come up to my shoulder.
“Marty, sweetheart,” she says.
“Ma,” I say as I push up. “She's gone. She's gone, and I don't know if I'll ever see her again.”
“Oh, Marty, my wee boy,” she says, and she pulls me in, holds me close. “I'm so sorry she's gone. But it will all be okay. I promise, it will all be okay.”
And I don't know if it's because those are the last words I heard Jenna say or if it's because it's her, my mother, the one I know will always love me, will always be there for me no matter what, but I finally start crying, sobbing, really heaving the pain out of my body, and I let her words and her embrace be a balm to my crushed heart.