Chapter 22
22
Work has been hectic, and when I let myself into the flat I just want to collapse on the sofa and sleep. But the evening is warm, and Jay has been discharged from hospital and has asked me to meet him for a ‘slow and doddery’ dog walk.
Of course, I’ve agreed.
I shower quickly and get dressed, taking care to style my hair and apply a bit more make-up than usual. I can hear Sophie’s voice in my head: Make him fall head over heels in love with you, wonder how he ever lived his life without you. Quite how I’m going to do that I have no idea, but I’ll give it a go.
I’m just about to leave when my phone rings.
It’s Matt.
My legs suddenly feel weak, and I sit down on the sofa and stare at the phone in my hand. I should answer it but I’m frozen. I owe him an explanation for my silence. He deserves more than being ignored. And yet I don’t know how to tell him any of it.
The ringing stops and I realise my hand’s shaking.
I should ring him back. This is unfair of me to treat him like this.
I press redial and wait, heart racing. He takes a while to answer and just as I begin to think he’s given up on me, the ringing stops and I hear his voice.
‘Hello, Miranda.’
His soft Geordie accent makes me shiver, and I realise I’m smiling.
‘Hi, Matt.’
The silence between us hums and stretches, an elastic thing. There are so many things I need to say to him I don’t know how to start.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I didn’t mean to ruin our friendship.’
My heart melts. ‘Oh, Matt, you didn’t. And you have nothing to be sorry for. It’s me who should be sorry. For running away. For ghosting you. For not explaining.’
‘Well, now you come to mention it…’ I hear the chuckle in his voice. He goes quiet for a moment and I wonder whether he’s waiting for me to speak. Then: ‘Why did you run away? I’m not that awful a kisser, am I?’
Oh, Matt, you’re so very far from being awful.
‘I… I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to explain myself. I just…’ I trail off, lost for words.
‘It’s okay. I’m only teasing. I knew you were looking for someone else, I should never have done it. But I don’t want to lose your friendship over this.’
‘Oh God, neither do I.’ Relief floods through me. ‘You’ve been the only thing keeping me sane since I got here. Well, you and Gladys.’
‘Gladys misses you.’
‘Does she?’
‘Very much.’
I swallow. ‘Tell Gladys I miss her too.’
I feel a burning behind my eyes. Am I crying? I blink the tears back and sniff loudly. ‘Well, I’m glad we’ve got that sorted.’
‘Me too. I?—’
‘The thing is, something’s happened.’ I’m not sure what Matt was about to say but I need to tell him about finding Jay before he says anything nice to me.
‘Oh?’
I hesitate. How do I start? The last thing I want to do is hurt Matt, but I have to tell him the truth. It’s unfair not to. ‘I’ve found Jay.’
A beat of silence. Then: ‘I see.’
‘I hadn’t, when we kissed’ – I blush at saying it out loud – ‘but when I left you?—’
‘You ran away from me?—’
‘Yes, then. Anyway, I witnessed an accident.’ There’s really no need to say I caused it, is there? ‘And I followed the man to hospital to make sure he was all right and it turned out to be him. Jay.’
I stop for breath but Matt doesn’t speak straight away.
‘Matt did you hear me?’
‘I did. I thought for one minute you said you followed a random man to hospital for no apparent reason, but that sounds unlikely.’ There’s a prickle to his voice that I haven’t heard before, and I don’t like it.
‘Well, yes. Kind of. I mean… well, it was sort of my fault that he crashed, you see, because I pulled out in front of him so I felt guilty and wanted to make sure he was okay. That he hadn’t… you know. Died, or something.’
‘Oh, Miranda, only you.’
His voice is sad but I can hear affection in his words and I grasp at it.
‘I know. But the thing is, I’m fairly sure it’s him.’
‘You don’t recognise him from the night you met?’
Shit, I forgot he doesn’t know I’ve never actually met Jay before.
‘I… well, no. Maybe a little bit. But half his head was in a bandage and he looked quite different…’ I’m aware how lame I sound. ‘I… it’s him, Matt. It is.’
Silence hums and stretches before he speaks again, his voice taut.
‘Okay. Well, congratulations, then.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I guess I should let you go, I’m sure you’ve got lots to do.’
‘Matt, I don’t want to leave things like this.’
‘It’s fine, honestly, Miranda. I knew this was bound to happen eventually. I just… well, I suppose I hoped that the other day might have changed things. But it’s okay. I… I need some space. Away from you I mean.’
‘Does this mean we can’t be friends?’
There’s another silence before Matt says, ‘Maybe one day, but not right now. I’m not sure I can.’
‘I’m sorry.’ My throat feels tight.
‘Me too.’
Then he ends the call and I sit there for a moment, unmoving.
I’ve lost him. I’ve lost Matt.
I have to hope Jay turns out to be the man I need him to be.
* * *
I’m late to meet Jay and when I get to the park he’s sitting on a bench, Alan beside him. Alan sees me first and leaps up, tugging at his lead in his excitement to say hello. Jay looks round and his face lights up.
‘Hey,’ he says, standing awkwardly and holding his arms out for a hug. It’s the first time we’ve touched and the press of his body feels warm, if a little awkward. He pulls away and I bend to greet Alan, who’s leaping around my ankles.
‘And hello to you too,’ I say, giving him a scratch under his chin. He nuzzles into me happily.
‘Blimey, I’ve never seen him so keen on anyone apart from me and my neighbour, you must have really done something to win him over,’ Jay says.
‘We just have an understanding, don’t we, boy,’ I say. ‘Do you want to sit for a bit longer?’
‘No, I’m good. I need to walk I think, or I’ll seize up. But I’ll warn you, I’m not very fast on my feet right now. I’m walking like an unfit eighty-year-old.’
We set off. Jay had suggested meeting in Jesmond Dene, but I’d said no. I’d told him it was because it was hilly and too far for him to come, and it was partly true. But I also didn’t want to be reminded about Matt and our walks round there – or, worse, risk bumping into him. So instead we’ve come to a small park in the north of Gosforth, close to Jay’s house.
‘So, I want to do something to thank you for helping me out,’ he says, as we start strolling. He’s limping slightly.
‘Don’t be daft, I was happy to help.’
‘Well, you didn’t need to, so I’d like to thank you. I thought I could take you out for dinner.’
‘Oh!’ It sounds distinctly like he’s asking me out. I should be over the moon that this has happened so quickly, but the echo of Matt’s words is still ringing in my ears and it’s hard to shake off.
‘Only if you want to,’ Jay says. ‘I don’t want to force you into it.’
‘No, sorry. That would be really lovely, thank you. I’d love to.’
He smiles again and I notice how it changes his face, softening the edges. The stubble he’d started to grow in the hospital has gone, his chin clean-shaven now and he looks younger. I try not to stare at the lines of his face, but it’s hard. I want to try and ignite some memory, jolt my brain into feeling the spark that I’ve always felt during my dreams.
I need to be patient. These things take time.
‘So, tell me more about your skydiving,’ I say.
‘What do you want to know?’
‘I don’t know. How long have you been doing it? What do you love about it? I mean, I did it once but that’s only made me more terrified of trying it again because I know what to expect.’
He smiles again. ‘I was only eighteen when I did my first skydive and I think that helped. You’re pretty fearless at that age. You think you’re invincible.’
I nod in acknowledgement, thinking of Kirstie, who still thinks she is.
‘When the kids were born my ex wanted me to give it all up, said it was selfish of me to keep putting my life at risk when I had children who depended on me. But what she didn’t understand was that it’s not that dangerous. I mean, there are so many safety precautions put in place for each dive you’re more likely to get run over by a bus than to die skydiving.’
‘Is that actually true or just what people say to convince themselves they’re not crazy?’
He gives me a sideways glance and ducks his head in acknowledgement. ‘Okay busted. I don’t know for sure if that’s entirely true, but I do know it’s true that skydiving is relatively safe.’
‘I guess it’s hard to understand if it’s not your thing. I mean, until the other day I would have said I’d rather poke red-hot needles into both eyes than throw myself out of a plane, but actually it was pretty good fun.’
‘So what made you do it, if it wasn’t something you fancied?’
‘I…’ God, what do I say? I should have expected this question, planned an answer other than ‘I was looking for you’. ‘My friend Kirstie wanted to try it so I went along for moral support.’
‘Does she live around here then?’
‘No, she lives in London, but she was visiting so…’ I trail off, aware my explanation is lame. To my relief, he doesn’t question it any further.
‘Well, perhaps I can get you up there again one day,’ he says.
‘Maybe,’ I mumble, knowing full well it’s not going to happen.
We walk along in silence for a few moments and I try to work out what to talk about next. I’d like to find out more about him. I’d always hoped that, if I ever found Jay, there would be such an instant spark between us it would be enough to run the entire National Grid for a day. But while Jay seems lovely, is undeniably attractive, and I’m enjoying his company, that spark is yet to ignite.
I’m sure it will happen though. Maybe it’s just a slower burning flame that, in time, will burn as brightly between us as it did in my dream.
Patience is not my forte.
Over the next half an hour or so I find out a few more things about him – that he loves football and supports Chelsea, that he plays golf regularly (I try not to shudder at the thought of it) and likes going on holidays with his friends – or ‘boys holidays’ as he calls them, despite the fact they must all be at least in their forties. None of the things he tells me fires up any memory or feeling of déjà vu, and I can’t help feeling a little disappointed.
‘So, are you free for that dinner tomorrow night?’ he says, as we approach the bench where we started.
‘Free as a bird.’
‘Good. Shall I pick you up about seven?’
‘Are you asking me out on a date?’ I say, trying for coy. Perhaps if I make it a bit more obvious that I’m interested in him, he might reciprocate.
‘Would you like me to be asking you on a date?’
I look down at my feet then meet his eyes. He doesn’t look away. ‘I’d like that very much.’ I hold his gaze a bit longer. Something flares between us, then is gone again, and he leans over, pecks me on the cheek, and says, ‘Right, well. See you tomorrow, for our date. Night, Miranda.’
‘Night, Jay.’
I watch as he walks away, his limp less pronounced now, Alan trotting along beside him. He stops at the gate, turns and waves, then is gone, leaving me wondering how I’m going to ignite the flame.