Chapter Thirty-Six
‘Mum. What are you doing here?’ I said, attempting an airy tone.
Mum’s eyes narrowed with her typical headteacher look. Her eyes flicked up and down. ‘I’m here to see my daughter, my daughter who moved counties and kept it from me.’
I stared at the floor.
‘Willa let it slip last week. I’m sure she mentioned it.
I wanted to come up sooner, but I was at work.
This is inconvenient, Katherine.’ She said it like I’d asked her to come up here.
‘You wouldn’t pick up the bloody phone.’ She huffed like the words took something out of her.
She never swore. ‘But once Willa let the cat out of the bag, I understood why.’ Mum sighed.
‘Really, Katherine. What on earth were you thinking? How much debt are you in renovating that shell of a house?’ She glanced up at Liam’s house.
‘And renting while you do it? What a waste. I brought you up better than this.’
‘I’m not renting –’
‘Well, are you going to invite me in?’ She put her hands on her hips.
I glanced at Liam, standing behind the door, trying to communicate with his eyes. His face went calm with a decision. He swung the door wider, revealing him next to me.
‘Mrs Williams. I’m Liam Hunter.’ He extended a hand. ‘It’s lovely to meet you.’
I could hear a tightness in Liam’s voice. He used it when he spoke to the Joneses. It was his voice reserved for snobby arses.
We were lucky we’d got dressed and changed.
But something about Liam’s still-wet hair and bare feet felt…
intimate. Like he was used to being casual and half-dressed around me.
And I knew Mum had got the gist by how she surveyed us from our toes to the top of our heads, her eyes assessing.
Mum wore the same expression when I was sixteen, and my boyfriend was picking me up to see The Hunger Games at the cinema.
‘It’s Ms Evans,’ she replied. ‘And who exactly are you?’
‘Liam – Liam is the builder working on the house.’
Her eyebrows shot up into her hairline.
‘The builder,’ she said with disdain. ‘The builder you’re living with.’
I ignored the last comment. ‘Liam has been great, Mum. He jumped on the job quickly, and it’s almost done now.’ I glanced at Liam, needing backup. ‘Right?’
‘It’s almost finished now, Ms Evans.’ He shifted on his legs.
‘A few more weeks, then it’ll be finished.’
‘Weeks?’ Mum said, alarmed. She shifted her gaze to me. ‘That’s what they always say, Katherine. Double it. It will take twice the amount of time they say it will.’ Her eyes moved to Liam. ‘And double the cost, probably. How much is this costing, Katherine?’
Anger began to simmer in my chest at my mum’s poor form.
I’d never seen this snobby side of her before.
The way she looked down her nose at Liam.
The scathing referral to ‘they’ like Liam’s profession was inferior.
I’d always thought Mum pushed me because of my disability.
I’d thought she pushed me to overcome and persevere.
But had it come from elitism? A disdain for professions that weren’t acceptable to her?
She had certainly looked down on artists, but I’d figured that was because it was such an unstable career.
How hadn’t I seen this?
I stood ramrod straight. ‘Liam is a professional, Mum. He’s done this for years.
I think he would know how long it will take to finish, especially when we are at the tail end of the renovation now.
And I used the money left to me by Dad. I don’t see why you would need to know how much I spent. It’s my money to spend.’
My gaze turned cold, and Mum’s cheeks flushed red hot.
She sputtered. ‘Well. If the house is almost finished, why are you still living here?’ she asked pointedly. ‘Surely you could live out of a room while it’s finished.’
I baulked. I could have moved back this week, probably. But I hadn’t wanted to.
‘Liam offered his annexe.’ I gestured outside. ‘I’ve been staying there.’
I could feel Liam’s eyes shift to me, and guilt burned in my chest. I should have come out and admitted that we were together. I had planned to, eventually. But I hadn’t expected to be ambushed. I needed to prepare my script perfectly and try to predict Mum’s retorts.
Mum’s eyes shifted over our clothes again.
‘I just— I came around this morning to discuss more details about the house. Invoices, etcetera.’
Liam’s shoulders tensed at my words. Mum ignored my defence anyway. I deflated. I’d shown my cowardice for nothing.
Mum crossed her arms. ‘I had to find out from Brian and Sandra. They looked at me like I was a terrible mother for not knowing where you were. Why didn’t you tell me, Katherine?
I told you this was a mistake. It’s a money pit.
Your father had some grand plans about renovating the place, but it was a misplaced rose-tinted view of his childhood.
’ She shook her head. ‘And, of course, he had to drag you into it. Even from beyond the grave.’
‘This wasn’t for him. It’s for me. So I can get some closure.’
Mum scoffed. ‘This wasn’t going to give you any closure.
Selling it and being rid of it would have given you closure.
Trust me. There was no need to come up here and dig everything back up.
’ She sneered at ‘up here’. ‘You need to put the house on the market and come back home. I’ve heard from Willa that she’s struggling at work, and you’ve taken off and left her in the lurch.
They might be selling – closing for good.
What will you do for work then?’ Mum pressed.
‘You need to think about your future, and trust me, it won’t be up here. Really, Katherine. Use your brain.’
Liam stepped forward, the warmth of his body behind me.
He leaned his arms above me on the door frame.
‘Do not speak to her like that. Not in my house, not ever. If you’d let her get one word in edgeways, maybe she’d explain why she is here.
And exactly why she felt she needed to keep it from you.
Amongst other revelations.’ Liam levelled my mum with a knowing look, and alarm filled her expression.
‘Liam,’ I said, warning him, and I could see regret flood his features. His chest was heaving. I could tell he was ready to throw more words at my mother.
This was my battle, not his.
Mum turned to me. ‘What is he talking about, Katherine?’ She asked Liam, ‘Would you give us some space, please?’
‘Mum,’ I warned. ‘This is his house.’
‘I’ll go,’ he said, his touch lingering on my shoulder. ‘I’ll make us some breakfast.’
‘Well, he’s a delight,’ Mum announced after Liam was out of earshot. ‘You know how to pick them, Kat. I mean, a builder, really? And one that is quick to anger, at that.’
I closed my eyes. ‘Why do you have to do that?’
‘What? Question your romantic choices. I’m your mother.’
I clasped the door. Out of anger or for support, I wasn’t sure. ‘You put me down, Mum. It makes me question myself. I’m an adult. I’m twenty-seven years old, for god’s sake. Don’t you think I can make my own decisions?’
My mother’s cheeks coloured, flustered. She wasn’t used to me using my voice.
She wasn’t used to me pushing back. I’d heard so many sharp remarks and put-downs from her mouth.
Had Graham not played the peacekeeper, I think I would have pushed back a lot sooner.
There were only so many sharp words and looks that someone could take.
And Graham wasn’t here now.
Mum scoffed. ‘I don’t put you down. I want to make sure you make the right choices. When you were little, you were so lost –’
‘Yes, I know I was. But I’m not little anymore. You can’t use my disability to defend how you treat me, Mum.’ I got straight to the point. ‘Did you ask Dad not to see me anymore? When I was younger?’
Mum’s eyes widened. Her mouth was a perfect ‘O’.
And that’s all I needed. I knew then it was true. I closed my eyes again, a deep-rooted disappointment anchored in my chest. It hurt.
Mum jumped into defensive mode. ‘Is all of this about your father? Really, Katherine. He was unstable. Flighty. Unpredictable. He’d never come to your parents’ evenings or ballet recitals, even when I reminded him. He took off, and you needed a dad who could be there. Not let you down.’
My nose and eyes burned. She was right. But she was also wrong to have pushed him away. And I was stuck in the middle, living the realities of their failures. My dad hadn’t owned up to his. He hadn’t had time. But my mum could.
I sighed. ‘Dad was unpredictable, yes. But you pushed him away, Mum. You made it worse. Can’t you see that? How and when I wanted to have a relationship with Dad – that was my choice to make.’
‘It’s not that simple when you’re a mother, Katherine –’
‘My name is Kat,’ I barked. ‘Everyone calls me Kat. I’ve been Kat since I was a kid, and I know you know that.
’ My breath was heaving now. I’d never raised my voice like that.
I squeezed my eyes shut. ‘I know I struggled at school and all that uncertainty when you were already a single mum juggling a lot. I don’t know what I would have done in your shoes.
But the choice has been taken from me twice now. Because he’s gone.’
The last word choked out of me.
I thought about my dad at his lowest. He was not able to reach out for help, even from his brother.
I thought of Brian’s strained, worried face when he told me how low he’d been, and my heartbroken dad wasn’t able to pull himself out of it.
But I was heartbroken for myself because I was the one who lost out.
I lost Dad and was left picking up the shards of our relationship.
The broken memories and promises cut my hands and made me bleed.
And now it was all coming out, flowing strong.
Mum’s face flickered with pain; then she schooled it. She took a step forward. ‘I know you’ve taken his death hard. I understand, I do. But I don’t regret my choices, Kat. You don’t understand what it was like. How overwhelmed you become –’
I smiled sadly. ‘I get overwhelmed, Mum. Sometimes life is a bit much. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t live it.
It doesn’t mean I’m not capable.’ I thought about Liam’s words.
‘I can’t be mollycoddled anymore. I have to push myself.
And if I get overwhelmed, fine. I’ll get over it.
If you wanted, you could support me through that.
Help me instead of making me hide from everything.
’ I lifted my eyes to hers. ‘You’ve made me risk-averse.
You let me believe he didn’t love me.’ My voice broke.
Mum’s face softened. But then, her mask was back on.
‘Does this look risk-averse to you?’ Mum gestured around Liam’s hallway. ‘Living in some random man’s house, you’ve only known a few weeks? Does leaving your job and a stable income behind sound risk-averse? If that was my plan, I did a poor job of it.’
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I wanted a new job, a new life. I wanted to stay with Liam. I was in love with Liam.
‘I want to stay.’
Blood rushed to my head. That was it. I’d said it. And once it was out, I couldn’t stop.
‘Liam and I are together. I know I’ve only been here a little while, but I found a home here. I like it here. And it likes me back. I’m moving up here, and you can’t convince me otherwise.’
‘I don’t know what to say. This is so incredibly selfish, Katherine. What about Graham and me? We’re not getting any younger, and you want to move two hundred miles away. What if something happens and we need help?’
‘You said you were going travelling next year. So what difference would it make?’
Mum scoffed. ‘Travelling. Who on earth told you that?’
‘You did. You and Graham have all those travel books. You said after retirement –’
‘That’s a dream, Katherine. It would be nice to travel the world, but we have a life to consider. Responsibilities. Normal people don’t just drop everything. And at our age…’ She laughed. ‘We could never do anything like that.’
I thought about all the times Mum limited herself.
All the examples flickered through my head.
She loved to bitch about her boss but never went for a promotion when he resigned.
She always complained about the house but never put any work into repairing the creaky floorboards or touching up paint.
She could travel and see the Pyramids and the mountains in Peru, but she wouldn’t leap.
She liked her life to be small and manageable.
Nothing I ever dreamt about was small and manageable.
She was never going to understand me or Liam or Everly Heath. She’d never understand why I wanted to move here and how it wasn’t daunting to me in the slightest. I wanted to share all of this with her, but I imagined her repeating it back to me, all the words sounding ridiculous out of her mouth.
The whole idea sounded silly – a pipe dream.
Mum shook her head. ‘I knew this would happen. This is why I’m so hard on you, Katherine.
This is just like your dad – unreliable.
I mean, if you don’t think of Graham and me, then think of Willa.
She’s been left in the lurch. She put faith in you when she hired you after all those dead-end jobs after university.
She trusted you, and now, when she needs you most, you abandon her to renovate some hovel. ’
Tears burned under my eyes, but I didn’t open them.
Mum placed her hand on my shoulder. ‘There’s no need to cry, darling. I’ll send the estate agent details, and we’ll get it sorted.’
I took in a shaking breath and gave a sharp nod. I felt like I was twelve again.
‘Good. I’ve got an open return on the train, so I’ll head back.’ Judgement laced her voice. ‘I doubt I’m welcome here. I’ll book you on a train for this week, and we can sort everything remotely, okay?’ Mum patted my shoulder again. ‘We’ll sort it all out, darling. Get you back to normal.’
Mum left in a blur. I remember shutting the door behind me. I slid down the back of the door and burst into tears. I smelt Liam’s cedar scent first, and then I felt his strong arms come around me and hold me.