Chapter 3
Dustin
Talk. Easy for Wade to demand. I’d spent years deciding what I’d say to him when I finally had the chance.
I’d never planned to start by blurting out, “I’m gay.
” Hearing the words come out of my mouth almost stopped my heart, but I couldn’t take them back.
I held my breath, waiting for his response.
“You’re what?” Shock widened his eyes.
“Uh, yeah. So.” I rubbed my face. Not the plan, not the plan. But now I’d have to start here. I was good at improvising, and I realized I wanted Wade to know my truth. “I always felt only attracted to men. Except you know how well that goes over in a wolf pack.”
Wade grimaced, pressing his lips thin. “Like a fang to the throat, yeah.”
Like decades of nightmares. “I was lucky that Dad was pack Fixer. Also that he loved the hell out of me, because when I was thirteen, he started grooming me to follow in his footsteps. At the time, he said, ‘Everything I’m teaching you, son, you also get to use for yourself. The pack’s important, the Alpha’s our leader, but you don’t have to sacrifice yourself for them, if it comes down to a choice.
’ That was all he said, but I read between the lines. ”
I’d been shocked to hear Dad tell me to put myself ahead of Alpha, but from that moment, I never doubted his love. Or his fear for me, which shoved caution deep into my bones and probably helped me survive.
“You think he knew?” Wade asked.
“Or suspected and didn’t want to know. I dated girls to look like all the other guys, but it was hard not to notice boys or get turned on. You understand.”
“I what?” Wade glared at me.
I couldn’t tell if his anger was blind, or defensive. This was probably not the time to push him for any admissions, whatever I’d suspected about him at eighteen, and twenty-two. “Because of Shawn and what happened to him, I mean. How he couldn’t hide.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
“Anyhow, I made it through puberty and got myself under control, and when Dad passed, I solved a thorny problem for Alpha, and he decided I was ready to step into Dad’s shoes as Fixer.
” I’d hoped to have a lot more years as Dad’s apprentice but we lost him far too young.
My heart still ached over that. “Then along came Shawn, caught with that boy from his school. He wasn’t the first pack-member Alpha sent our enforcer to round up and haul in for judgement, but he was the first I was supposed to make disappear. ”
“Yeah. I remember when Alfie got beaten within an inch of his life, but he got to stay with the pack. He got a second chance, even though he terrorized humans and stole their stuff. Shawn didn’t get any chance.” The muscles in Wade’s jaw jumped as he ground his teeth. “He did nothing wrong.”
Shawn got hard and smelled of arousal around naked men. He was followed and seen kissing a boy. That was Shawn’s crime. Who he was. Fifteen, full of hormones, and gay. He was caught in the trap I’d managed to avoid, and the punishment was death.
“I don’t have to tell you the packs are wrong about us.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, remembering the terror of my teen years, all the times I barely missed being in Shawn’s place.
Wade gestured violently, whacking the back of his hand against the roof of the car and cursing. “Never mind that. Tell me what happened to Shawn.”
“I’d been planning for a while, working out what I’d do if… well, if he got careless. Your stepdad wasn’t the kind to support him or look the other way.” Kurt had stood by silently, glowering, while Alpha proclaimed judgement on the kid he’d helped raise.
“No.”
“I’d thought about telling him to run sooner, to get away from the pack while he still could, but Shawn was too young to be out on his own. No one would hire a kid that age. I thought when he was sixteen, maybe, I’d talk to him. I hoped I’d have more time.”
Wade ground out single words between clenched teeth. “What. Did. You. Do?”
“Alpha sent me out with Nate and Ernest to deal with Shawn, make his death appear natural. I’d set up a ‘fell off a cliff’ scenario.
Cliff, river and dam below. I persuaded Nate and Ernest it would be easiest and safest if Shawn walked to the top of the cliff himself, instead of killing him first and carrying his body that far.
Nate rode Shawn’s bike by another route, so the tire tracks led to the spot.
Ernest and I muscled Shawn up there.” He barely even fought, and of course he had no chance of winning.
I gripped his arm. He stumbled along, looking up at me in wild terror as we forced him to climb the trail.
“Then, when we reached my chosen location, I pushed Shawn off the cliff.”
“You what?”
“There was a ledge right there. About twenty feet down. He landed on it.” My hands still remembered the impact on his back, the moment of terror of Is this the right spot? and Will he miss the ledge? No matter how many trial runs I’d done with a dummy the year before.
“Was he hurt?”
He screamed. I remember that sound too. “Well, yeah. Twenty-foot drop. Broke some bones. Open leg fracture. Nate and Ernest called me a screwup— yelled at me for not breaking his neck before pushing him over— but he was hurt bad enough that they believed my ‘Oops, I’ll take care of that. I’ll finish him and find a way to lever him over the edge into the river.
’ They placed his bike and backpack where I told them to, and left me to repair the rest of my bungled scenario.
They were laughing at my incompetence when they jogged away. ”
“Ernest always was a bully.”
“Yep. Once I was sure they were gone, I got some rope and a tarp I’d stashed and hauled Shawn back up.
” That had been the worst part of the whole ordeal.
Well, other than the moment when I pushed a kid who’d once trusted me off a cliff and had to hope I hadn’t actually killed him.
But fastening my rope around a kid with a broken leg, cracked ribs, a boy crying in pain, his face soaked in tears, his jeans stinking wet where he’d pissed himself?
Because of me? That still lived in my nightmares.
“Why? Why would you hurt him like that?”
“Because Alpha gave me an hour to take care of the problem.” I glared back into Wade’s furious eyes.
“I had other scenarios I could use, but none that could be set up that fast. And because hurting Shawn badly meant that Nate and Ernest believed. No wondering if I was too soft for this, no doubts. They heard him scream, smelled all the blood on the ledge.” I’d wrapped him in the tarp to keep his blood under control as I hauled him to the top.
He’d screamed again— I cut off that memory.
Wade swallowed hard.
I plowed on, “Anything else, taking Shawn out of sight, and telling them he was dead but no one could see the body? There’d have been suspicions.
Lots of our pack still weren’t convinced that I could do Dad’s job.
I was in my thirties and only Sixth. Shawn’s pack bonds had been ripped out by Alpha before we hauled him away, so they couldn’t feel his death.
Alpha and the rest needed to totally buy my scenario. ”
“A faked accident.”
“Yeah. Or suicide. Kid rode his bike up there, wandered too close to the edge and fell, or jumped, hit the ledge, and ended up in the river. Plenty of evidence for the human cops to discover. Case closed. The cops decided on suicide in the end, by the way, when someone at his school outed him. Queer kid, mentally unhinged. Pity they couldn’t find the body, but you know, these things happen. ”
Wade ground out, “Fuck them.”
“Once I’d set the stage, I came back to Alpha with a bunch of Shawn’s blood on me, said I’d climbed down and pushed him off the ledge into the river, and Alpha believed me. He told me I’d been sloppy, but we’d report him missing in the morning, and all was well that ended well.”
I’d wanted to vomit at that definition of “well,” but Alpha’s satisfaction kept him from forcing further truth from me.
The smallest suspicion, and he’d have done it, had me on my knees and forced me to tell him exactly what happened, using his Alpha power over my mind.
I’d had to pretend to be proud of my work.
Wade pressed his clenched fists to his thighs. “What did you actually do with Shawn? Where is he?”
“After he shifted twice and healed enough to tolerate being moved, I paid a human couple to come get him and take him to live on their farm. Used Dad’s forgery connections to get hold of new ID. He’s in Canada.”
“Canada?” Wade stared at me.
“Ontario.” I gestured over my shoulder, vaguely north. “About eight hundred miles thataway.”
“I want to see him.” Wade sat straighter in his seat, practically vibrating with tension. “Now! Tell me exactly where he is.”
“Nuh-uh.” I shoved him back when he tried to loom over me. “See him, yes. I figured. But we’ll do it my way, cautiously. “
“Why?”
“Because he’s a wolf in hiding, using fake ID, and a gay man living in an unfriendly world. We’re not going to do anything to draw attention to him.”
Wade glanced around. “Attention? Does anyone from the pack know you’re here?”
I barked a laugh. “Do I look stupid?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen you for seven years.”
“Because you ran.” Frustration sharpened my tone. “Alpha gave you leave to join a different pack. Okay, sure, I understood you couldn’t stay with us where Shawn died.”
“Was murdered.”
“In theory. Yeah.”
“Didn’t feel like theory.” Wade cleared his throat. I could see the pain deep in his eyes.
“No, I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you. Alpha was watching you closely for a mental break, for a threat, knowing you’d take losing Shawn badly and wondering if he’d have to make it a two-for-one.”
“I almost forced him to, you know,” Wade said slowly. “When our Second and Enforcer let me loose from where they’d locked me in, and I knew Shawn was dead, I almost attacked Alpha. Hurting him might’ve been worth dying for.”