Chapter 25
Chapter 25
AFTER DAYS OF WORKING our butts off with running the café and working on my idea Paige loved just as much as I did, Saturday the twenty-sixth came around all too quickly. And now, as I stood on the beach with Dan’s family where we’d scattered his ashes three years ago, it seemed like another life.
Josh stood at my side and looked out to sea, the waves lapping gently at the shore the only sound. “Wow, it’s hard to believe it’s been three years, Ned. Three years since you missed that jump, since you decided to break your fall with your skull.”
I smiled weakly at Josh’s dark humor, my throat tight, tears threatening my eyes.
“Hey, man, did I tell you I’ve met a girl? Her name’s Paige, and she is amazing.” His face broke into a smile, his eyes lighting up. “I think you’d like her.” He paused and took a breath. “Actually, bro, I know you’d like her. I . . . I wish you two could have met.”
I put my hand on his arm, and he shot me a grateful look. “You’re right. He would have loved Paige.”
Josh turned his head. “?”
Meredith stepped forward, a bouquet of flowers in one hand. She stood in silence, her head down. A seagull squawked overhead.
Eventually, she spoke. “Oh, my darling Daniel. I’m so happy we’re here with you at your favorite beach. I remember how you used to run up to the waves then scream, running back to us, a huge smile on your young face. You would have only been about three or four.” She pressed her lips together. “I miss you so, so much, my darling son.” My heart squeezed at the crack in her voice. “There’s . . .” she glanced at her husband, George, “there’s nothing more to say.”
Dressed in black, she looked so small, so frail. I sucked in some air, tilting my head back to stop the tears flowing.
Josh slung his arm around my shoulders, and I threw him a smile.
George, Dan’s dad, took his wife in his arms to comfort her. “I miss you, too, son.” His voice was strangled, sending a shiver through me.
Meredith dabbed her eyes with a lace handkerchief. “Did you want to say anything, Bailey?”
I shook my head, the lump in my throat making my ears hurt. “Maybe later.”
“All right, dear.” She reached out and patted me on the forearm. “Shall we release the balloons now, Josh?”
“Sure.” He walked back to the tree at the edge of the beach, where he’d tied four balloons when we arrived. He untied them, returned, and handed one to each of us.
“Purple this year, huh?” I said as I took the balloon from Josh. Last year they’d been white.
“He liked purple when he was little, you know, until the boys in his class at school told him it was a girls’ color. I always thought that was such a shame. But he still kept his purple dinosaur under his pillow, making sure it was hidden away when his friends came over.” Meredith smiled at the memory.
“He needed to fit in,” George said.
“Well, he might have wanted to conform, but he always kept his individual spark.”
“That’s the truth,” George replied.
“I never knew that.” I tried to imagine Dan as a little boy with a purple dinosaur, secretly wishing he could share it with his friends. Despite my grief, I smiled at the image.
I returned my attention to the balloon, reading the inscription:
Always loved, always remembered, forever in our hearts.
I scrunched my eyes shut, my chest tight. Holding a balloon each, I opened my eyes and looked up at the clouds forming overhead, the patches of pale blue littered across the sky.
Josh held his balloon at my side. “I miss you, brother. Hope you’re riding your bike up there, loving every minute, doing all those awesome jumps.” He paused for a moment then released his balloon.
It floated up into the air, climbing away from us, until it was a small purple dot, far above our heads.
“Life has a lot less purple in it without you, Daniel. A lot less color, period. You are the first person I think of when I wake and the last person I think of when I fall to sleep. My darling Daniel.” Meredith released her balloon, but I couldn’t watch. My tears blurred my vision and blinking only served to spill them over until they were running down my cheeks.
Without saying a word, George released his balloon, too. He wrapped an arm around Meredith’s shoulders, and they stood watching both of their balloons slip away.
I gripped onto the string of mine, my nails digging into my palms. It was as though I was holding onto Daniel, as though letting the balloon go meant letting him go.
And that was the last thing I wanted to do.
I sniffed and wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I glanced at Dan’s family. They were watching me, waiting for me to say my piece, to release my own balloon in honor of Dan’s memory.
I froze.
“I . . . I don’t think I can do it. Not this time.”
“Can’t do what, dear?” Meredith’s voice was soft.
“I can’t . . . I can’t let go.”
What is wrong with me?
We did this exact same thing a year ago today, and I’d managed to release the balloon then, managed to watch it float off into the sky through watery eyes. It had felt like a wonderful way to remember Dan, to do something symbolic, meaningful.
This time? I didn’t know why, but it seemed different.
Final.
And it couldn’t be final, not when I’d given up my new love for Dan, to keep him safe inside my heart.
I took a series of deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I willed my grip to loosen, just enough to let the balloon go, just enough so I could honor Dan the way his family had only moments ago.
I felt a warm hand on my back. “? Dad? I’ll see you back at the car, okay?” Josh’s voice was close, his presence reassuring. “Want to sit, talk for a while?” He placed his hand over my own hand holding the string.
My panic rose. “Don’t let it go. Whatever you do.”
“I won’t.” He took the string of the balloon from me, and I rubbed my palm. “Let’s go sit under that tree. It looks like it might rain.”
“Sure.” We walked across the grass to the grand pohutukawa tree Josh had tied the balloons to when we arrived. I stepped over the gnarly roots and found a flat spot where we both sat, Josh still holding my balloon in his hand.
He turned to face me. “This is about Ryan, isn’t it?”
“What? No. It’s about Dan. Me and Dan.” I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, my eyes focused on the horizon. “It’s about me not forgetting him.”
“Bailey, just because you’ve met someone new doesn’t mean you’ll forget Dan.”
My insides churned like a slushy machine.
“You know that, right?”
I nodded, my throat burning.
“I get it. Believe me. Falling in love with someone new must be hard. Really hard.”
I snapped my head up, knitting my brows together. “Who said I’d fallen in love with him?”
He smiled at me. “You’re telling me you haven’t?”
My brain pole-vaulted me back to the courtyard, standing with Ryan among the sparkling lights, his lips crushed against mine. And further back, to playing Wii Baseball with him, our games of tennis, our date to the ball.
And it was so clear, as plain as day to me.
I was in love with Ryan Jones.
“Bailey. I think . . . actually, I know Ned would want you to be happy. He wouldn’t want you to close yourself off to love. You’ve gotta trust me on that.”
“But—” I let out a heavy sigh. “It doesn’t feel right, in here.” I placed my hand over my heart. “I can’t be happy, not with Dan . . . here, too.”
How could I have room in my heart for Ryan and Dan at the same time?
“Bailey.” I looked over into Josh’s kind face, my tears blurring my vision once more. “Ned—Dan—was a great guy. You know that, and I know that. He was the best brother I could ever hope for, and I think he was a pretty good boyfriend, right?”
I gave a short, sharp nod.
“But he’s gone. Not in here.” He pointed to my heart. “But he’s gone. You’ve still got your life ahead of you, Bailey. You gotta stop living in the past.”
I bit my lip, trying to stem the flow of tears. I totally failed. I hung my head, allowing them to stream down my face, my shoulders heaving, my body wracked with sobs.
Josh rubbed my back. “This has been killing you, hasn’t it?”
I nodded.
“Ryan seems like a good guy to me.” Josh’s voice was soft. “If you think you love him, then you need to follow your heart.”
“But . . . Dan.”
“You can still love Dan and love Ryan at the same time. It’s not an either-or situation, you know?” He laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile.
I took a deep, wobbly breath, gazing out at the horizon. Josh had hit the nail on the proverbial head. I’d been so worried having feelings for Ryan meant I would no longer love Dan, that I’d lost sight of the fact the human heart has an infinite capacity for love.
I let out a shaky sigh, wiping the tears from my face.
Maybe it was time to let Dan go? Maybe it was time to move on with my life, to love someone new?
But never forget. Never forget.
I leant over and pulled Josh in for a hug, savoring his strength, his dependability.
“Thank you,” I whispered in his ear. “Thank you.”
I stood up and smoothed out my skirt. Pushing himself up to stand beside me, Josh offered me the balloon. I smiled up at him as I took the string in my hand, reading the inscription once more. I stepped out from under the tree and took a deep breath, gazing up at the sky. The clouds had parted, and a patch of beautiful blue opened up directly above me.
I chose to take it as a sign.
As I let the string go, the balloon floated up and away. I repeated the inscription to myself, watching it soar above me. “Always loved, always remembered, forever in my heart.”
And I knew I would always remember Dan, I’d always hold him in my heart. But, in that moment, I also knew I’d found a new love, a love for now, a love for the future.
And I needed to let him know.