Chapter Three #3
“What is wrong with you? Are you drunk?” I laugh, but my humor doesn’t last. “Do I have to spell it out for you? In addition to everything I’ve already said, Wells and I are completely different people in very different places in our lives.
He has no real life experience. He grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth on an island as big as my fist. I doubt he’s ever dealt with a hardship of any kind.
” I stop pacing and huff out a breath. “Why am I even explaining this? We had a one-night stand. That’s all it was to both of us, and I’m not interested in more. ”
“Good, because I don’t think he’s right for you. But if it was just a fling, then why did you call me? What’s the issue?”
“I’m drowning in guilt ! I feel like I cheated on my husband, and the worst part is that I was excited to do it.” I lower my voice to almost a whisper. “I thought about Harvey tonight, and I pushed those thoughts away just so I could feel good.”
“That’s okay, Vic,” he says reassuringly. “It doesn’t mean you love Harvey any less.”
“Then why does it feel like the worst kind of betrayal? Like I gave away the one piece of myself that was his .”
Seth is quiet for a beat. “Because I guess in a way, you did,” he says carefully, and it cuts like a knife. “But that’s how you move forward after losing someone.”
“Well, moving forward sucks. I don’t know why I let myself do it tonight, but it was a mistake.”
“I get why you feel that way, but for what it’s worth, I don’t think Harvey would want you to cut yourself off like you have.
He loved you too much to have you miss out on a damn thing.
There’s a whole world out there, Vic, and you used to love exploring it.
Harvey would want that for you. He’d want you to live your life without constraints. ”
“Then he shouldn’t have died,” I snap, and immediately regret it. It’s not like he could have saved himself. “Sorry. I don’t mean that. I’m just tired.”
“I know. Do you want me to come over? We can hang out and watch a movie or do some shots until you feel better.”
I look up at the gorgeous skyscraper where Harvey and I lived and consider asking Seth if I can spend the night at his place to avoid going home.
I remember the first time Harvey took me here.
His apartment was so elegant, I wasn’t sure it could ever feel like home.
Now I can’t imagine living anywhere else.
The thought of walking into the home we shared after what I did kills me, but spending the night at Seth’s would only delay the inevitable, so I pull up my big-girl panties and say, “No, thanks, but thank you for listening to me gripe about my fall from grace.”
“Anytime. Listen, Vic. I know it was hard to rip off the bandage, but I’m proud of you for taking that step. As with everything hard in life, I’m sure the more you do it, the easier it’ll get.”
“I wonder what Mom and Dad would think about you cheering me on to have meaningless sex with people who are practically strangers.”
He laughs. “G’night, sis. Love you.”
“You too.” I end the call, emotionally exhausted, and head inside.
When I get to my apartment, guilt clings to me like a second skin as my gaze moves over the high-end furniture in the expansive living room and dining room, to the lights of the city through the nearly floor-to-ceiling glass along the far wall.
I haven’t changed a thing since Harvey died.
I can still see him making drinks at the bar, eating at the dining room table, reading a book, or sitting on his favorite side of the couch by the windows working on his laptop, his feet resting on the coffee table, his ankles crossed.
I can still see his smile, which appeared when I walked into a room.
I’ve always taken solace in the quiet. It allows me to hear Harvey’s familiar footsteps down the hall, his voice whispering to me in every room, and the sound of him pulling books from the bookshelf as he chose his nightly read.
I used to wonder how he ever finished a book, because he’d alternate reading two or three at the same time.
I don’t know why my heart allows me to spend time with him like that without overthinking the night I lost him, but I’m thankful it does.
Pushing past those painful memories, I make my way into the master bathroom, guilt following me like a shadow as I step into the shower. It’s still there when I climb into bed, and for the first time since Harvey died, I can’t bring myself to lie on his side of the bed.
My phone chimes on the nightstand. Annoyed with myself for forgetting to silence it, I snag it and see another text from Wells, adding another heap of guilt for not texting when I got home like he’d asked.
Wells: Ghosting me already? Or did you pick up another lucky bastard on the way home?
A devil emoji pops up.
I stare at the phone, trying to decide how to answer. It’s sweet that he wants to make sure I got home safe. He’s sexy and charming, but all the things I said to Seth hold true, and nothing is worth the guilt I feel.
Not even a night of the best sex of my life with a man who makes me smile and remember what it feels like to let go of my guilt for a little while and just be me.
I silence my phone, turn it face down on my nightstand, and scoot over to Harvey’s side of the bed.