4. Kylie
CHAPTER 4
KYLIE
With not too many days left until our big grand opening and even fewer days until Ash returns to the city, I’m scrambling to get things done. Ash is out in Lumberjack Lagoon on the impossible task of ordering six dozen perfectly painted sugar cookies shaped like potted plants from Lumberjill’s Bakery last minute. So I’m holding down the fort at the shop. I truly don’t know how I could have done this without her.
Creak.
When I hear the sound of the shop’s front door opening, I instinctively think it’s going to be Winston and my body responds accordingly. No matter how many times he takes me, I want more. In the last week, Winston has taken to blowing my mind in every part of this building. I’ve never felt more alive than I do in his arms, underneath his body, and while, yes, climbing him. He is my perfect escape and it has become a full-time job to keep my emotions at bay.
“Hey,” my voice turns up at the end automatically. But when I look at the door, it isn’t what I expect to see. There are two lumberjacks coming in and neither one of them is Winston. “Hi, guys.”
My two brothers stand shoulder to shoulder forming a mountain that’s impossible to see past as they enter. I can’t help but laugh when Trouble takes a swipe at the back of Beau’s head as they make their way towards the counter.
“Look who it is, Ms. Kylie Buckner, my long-lost sister. I came to finally see the place we had to put so much time into.” Beau flashes me a smile and wraps me in a quick hug.
“What can I say? You did an excellent job and I had to get home to spend time in this beautiful space.”
Beau tosses his head back. “Thank you, I had the design in my head all along, and when creativity strikes, you’ve got to listen. That’s what I?—”
“Shut the hell up,” Bear snaps at Beau. “Are you going to tell her what we’re really doing here or shall I?”
My throat runs dry at Bear’s harsh tone and my stomach clenches. What are they really doing here if not just stopping by? Thoughts of Winston bounce in my mind. Do they know? How did they find out? Did they, god forbid, see us through the stupid giant windows? Why do I care? I’m an adult… Beau smiles, turning up the charm, and it doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it makes things worse. If Beau’s using his charm, this must be bad.
“What is it?” I fold my arms across my chest.
Beau clears his throat. “It isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just that we, uh, we brought Mom to see your place. She’s in the car waiting for me to help her out. We thought you’d want a few minutes of a heads up.”
My chest hollows out and my blood boils. What? I stare at him, my mouth hanging open in shock as the room spins around me.
“Right, good talk, so I’ll go grab her.” Beau turns around and heads for the door without another word.
Bear mumbles something behind him, but I can’t hear anything over the ringing in my ears. I feel sick. Mom, they brought Mom? Mom is the elephant in the room I’ve been trying to avoid since the minute I arrived back in Lumberjack Lagoon. No one wants to see their hero of a single mom five years into her dementia decline.
The last time I saw her, we were dropping her off at an assisted living facility. She hardly recognized me and it broke my heart. From what I hear, her condition is declining. I came back here to do my part, to check in and help care for her where I can. But I didn’t think it’d be so hard to face reality and I sure as hell didn’t think I’d have to do it on my brother's terms.
“You’re going to be okay.” Bear’s voice is calm but I don’t feel soothed.
I feel pissed off. “Right.”
Before I can catch my breath, Beau appears inside the front door. On his arm is a woman who looks a lot like my mom, but I have no way of telling whether or not it’s her on the inside. Mom’s hair is tied back into a bun and there are one-hundred new wrinkles lining her face. But it’s her empty eyes that break my heart. Beau guides her through the plant shop with slow, deliberate steps that are painful to watch.
Beau speaks with an unnaturally slow cadence as he walks her through. Plants, you’ve always loved plants... Remember when I broke the plant on your kitchen windowsill? You were so mad… Look, Mom, a cat … He takes his time, stopping in front of each shelf and talking her through the items in front of her.
I wonder if this is truly what she needs. Does she speak at all anymore? Are there moments of clarity? Is this just my brothers taking over the situation the way they love to do? My heart sits heavy in my chest.
Bear comes to stand beside me. I’m not ready to see this but I can’t pull my eyes away from the sight. Every emotion swells within me and tightens over my chest like a hot knot. I feel guilty for leaving my brothers to deal with what’s become of Mom. I feel sad for the life she’s been resigned to and I’m angry about all the moments we won’t get to experience together.
Then, as they round the cash register, Beau points to me, look, Mom, it’s Kylie . Her eyes drift towards me, but her expression remains unchanged. Mom passes me without a flicker of recognition and it’s too much. My chest heaves with a sob I won’t let out.
I look up at Bear, anger burning my eyes. “Beau talks to her like she’s a child.”
“Lots of things have changed since you’ve been gone.” Bear puts a hand on my shoulder but I shrug him away.
As Beau and Mom get back towards the front, he makes a comment about Mom being tired. Then he gestures to Bear who tosses him the keys to his truck. As Mom and Beau disappear through the front door, I clutch a hand to my chest in an effort to slow down my heartbeat. When Bear tries to comfort me, I snap.
“She isn’t aging in reverse, she’s an adult. He can at least talk to her like there’s a chance she knows what he’s saying. Sometimes she does right? She has good days, doesn’t she? What if she knows exactly what he’s saying but she can’t communicate it? What’s wrong with him?”
“Hey, Beau has stepped up to the plate more than any of us. He visits her every single day. He watches movies with her and goes through the old family photo albums. Beau is a permanent fixture at that treatment facility. He’s friends with all the staff and checks in on her care. I don’t think you’re in a place to criticize him.” Bear’s tone is stern, like he’s reprimanding a child and it infuriates me.
I swallow back my tears, refusing to let them fall. “I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this, and you can’t force me into it by showing up a few days before I open my business and making me have this interaction that I’m not ready for.”
“No one’s trying to make you do anything. We always see Mom on Tuesdays, you would know that if you were around more. We wanted to take her out into the community and whether or not she recognizes this place is yours, we knew she would love coming here. Remember, who taught you about plants in the first place? Sorry you feel uncomfortable about this Kylie but this is reality and you’re gonna have to face it sooner or later.”
His words hit me like a blow to the chest. “You need to go. I’m so mad I can’t talk to you about this right now.”
“Fine, but you’re here to help with Mom and you can’t do that unless you’re willing to face reality.” Bear shakes his head as he makes his way out through the door.
I step into the backroom and throw myself into the oversized office chair. Then, I let myself fall apart for the first time in a long time. I shed all the tears I’ve held back. I cry for my mom, then I cry for myself, and my brothers too. When the realization that Bear and Beau did exactly what they should have today dawns, I start all over again.
It’s another hour before I collect myself and send a text message apologizing to my brothers. When I hear the creak of the front door, I step out expecting to see them. When I see Winston instead, the sight of him is like a warm blanket on a cold night. To my own surprise, I don’t hold back the well of emotion that rises up in me. Instead, I move towards him, desperate for the comfort of his embrace. I move quickly into his arms and hope he never lets me go.
Winston runs a hand down the back of my head. “Hey, hey now, what’s going on? Are you okay? What happened?”
“I feel like a terrible person. My mom has dementia and I have ignored it. I haven’t wanted to see it or face it and my stupid ass brothers took it upon themselves to make me see it today for what it is. I am here and I’m ready to help and I want to go and talk to my mom like a normal person, but I haven’t had the chance to do that yet…”
The floodgates open and I tell Winston everything. Five years of avoidance spill into a single conversation and slowly the knot over my chest loosens. I trust him with the fears I’ve never spoken aloud and somehow, he knows exactly what to do with them. Winston doesn’t offer advice, but he holds space for me and holds me together while I fall apart.
When I finally get it all out, all the awful realities somehow feel easier to deal with. He puts his arms around me, and I all but disappear into him. Winston is the kindest and most compassionate man I have ever met. As hard as I’ve tried to keep them at an uncomplicated arm's length, my heart wants all of him.
Winston takes my hands in his and leans toward me. “I may not know your mom, but I know she’s one hell of a woman because she raised you. It’s probably a good idea to go talk to her when you’re ready. Tell her everything about your life. She deserves to be involved in all the important decisions and she deserves to know the sacrifices you’ve made by moving your whole life here because you want to be with her. It isn’t up to you how much she can understand, but she’s still here and you still have your chance.”
“Thank you, I think that’s the right thing to do.”
We keep our habit of staying at the plant shop until it’s dark outside. Only this time, our clothing stays on. All we do is talk and somehow I’m more in love with him than ever before. As the conversation winds through every topic, I get brave and ask him the questions I’ve been putting off. Winston answers with startling honesty.
We talk about his son, River, and about his ex-wife. I ask him about the man that he was back when his ex got pregnant and the dad that he is now. I ask him about the life that he had growing up and the one that he wants to build in the future. With every sentence, I feel myself falling deeper for this amazing man. Winston is becoming my entire world.
Buzz. Buzz. When his phone vibrates in his pocket, he apologizes and then steps into the other room to take the call.
When he comes back his face is decidedly more serious. “I have to go and I’m so sorry for that. I want to stay here with you all night. You have no idea how badly I want to stay here with you. But right now, River needs me to pick him up from a party. It’s supposed to be his mom’s day with him but she’s out of town and the grandparents can’t do it. It’s something I can’t say no to. You understand, right?”
“Of course, I understand, you should absolutely go get your son. I mean this thing between us is just a situationship remember? That’s one of the perks, it doesn’t have to be too serious.” The words feel cold as they come out of my mouth and they feel mean. I don’t believe them and I wish immediately that I hadn’t said them.
A flicker of something passes Winston’s face as he gets to his feet and I can’t tell if it’s disappointment anger or sadness. “Right. Our situationship. Take care of yourself tonight and I’ll check on you tomorrow. Same time.” He smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
When he walks out of the door, I have to stop myself from running after him. I want to go with him. I want to know everything about his son and meet this kid who has the best father in the world. But as he drives away, I know it’s too late, at least for tonight.
Before I can fix anything with Winston, I need to fix things with Mom and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I spend my night making a list of every single thing I want to tell my mom about my life in the last decade. I list all of the things she’s missed and all of the things I should’ve included her in. The letter breaks my heart with every line of regret and I keep writing even when it gets hard. When I’ve exhausted all the sad parts, something new emerges… a flicker of hope.
I find hope for a new kind of relationship with the parts of Mom that are still here now. I can include her in my world, I’m determined to find a way. So I add one more column to my list and title it, things I want for the future with you.
In the morning, my throat is dry and my hands shake as I stand in front of the receptionist at the care facility. I’m going to tell Mom about Stump and Stem Plant Shoppe. I’m going to tell her about Ash’s divorce from her terrible ex-husband, and how we’re still best friends. Then I’m going to tell her about how I’ve fallen for a single dad named Winston who just might be the love of my life.
When it’s finally my turn to step up to the front desk, I take a deep breath and summon all my bravery. “Hello, I’m here to see Jill Buckner.”
“One moment.” The woman with the unruly red hair gives me a kind smile and I try to reciprocate, but my nerves won’t let me. She picks up a phone and then punches the keys on her computer. “It looks like Ms. Buckner already has a visitor right now.”
Beau’s already here at seven in the morning, of course, he is. “It’s got to be my brother. It’s okay, I’ll head back anyway.” It’s a good thing too, I owe him an apology.
The woman leads me down a narrow hallway. It’s brightly, decorated with cheerful art hanging in white frames. The place doesn’t feel sad like I’d imagined it would and that’s a relief. Still, when I get to the doorway, my heart rate ticks up. The woman leaves me standing at the door in silence.
I blink a few times at the sight before me and my mouth falls open in shock. The man talking to Mom isn’t Beau… and it isn’t Bear either. I watch in silence with baited breath.
Winston?