Float My Boat

6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

L ater that evening, we sat on blankets around a campfire Belle had insisted on being the one to construct—because she was a scientist—and basked in the warm early evening sunshine. I was onto my second glass of white wine and was feeling pleasantly buzzed as I chatted idly along with the others, glad to find it was dulling the sting of our loss, too.

Pete and Andrew were having a man-off by their matching mini barbeques, cooking sausages and steaks and haloumi skewers, the enticing smell making my stomach growl in famished anticipation. We’d all brought something for the meal, and bread rolls, salads, fruit, and a towering stack of delicious-looking rocky road sat on Andrew’s camp table next to a bucket filled with ice and drinks—non-alcoholic ones for the men’s crew, and hastily purchased booze for us.

‘Oh my God, guys!’ said Ottie, grabbing Theo’s leg, then immediately snatching her hand away as though she’d touched something nasty. ‘Your race was incredible .’

They all grinned like lunatics, including Pete and Andrew, who’d now put the lids on their barbeques and were discussing the oft-overlooked importance of the smoking stage of the process.

Their collective good mood was contagious, and we grinned along with them despite our defeat. Moments like this were why I loved rowing because even though my crew had lost, our club had won, meaning we all had something to celebrate.

‘I thought they’d pipped us,’ said Theo, leaning back against one of the long, sideways logs around the fire.

Livia clutched her drink to her chest. ‘It was so freaking close! We had no idea.’

‘Hannah cut the corner at the finish,’ said Noah. ‘If she hadn’t done that …’

Hannah blushed. ‘I would never!’ But the denial was accompanied by a gleeful flick of her eyes.

‘Of course not,’ said Theo, matching her overly innocent tone.

We went on like that for a while, dissecting every moment of their race, until Pete called, ‘Grub’s up!’ as he carried a platter piled high with barbequed goods to the table where Andrew was already carving the steaks.

I helped myself to salad and a roll, then topped it with the perfectly pink meat, salivating as the scent of garlic wafted up my nose.

Andrew slid a piece of steak from his plate to mine. ‘Best bit,’ he said, leaning in so only I could hear. He moved to the other end of the table to load his plate, while I stood rooted to the spot, stunned, and surprised no one else had batted an eye at the casual intimacy.

When I regained power over my limbs, I joined the others at Andrew’s second camping table and took the seat he’d saved for me. I was acutely aware of how our legs brushed as I sat, and I froze, sure Andrew would shift away, but he didn’t, and when I relaxed, even more of my thigh slid against his, the contact sending sparks of electricity shooting through my blood.

Hazel and Noah volunteered for washing up duty, and the rest of us moved back to the blankets by the fire, grabbing jumpers and coats on the way because now the sun was setting, a chill had seeped into the air.

Hannah used Pete as a human blanket, sitting between his legs as he leaned back against a log. Everyone else was single and sat alone, aside from Belle, whose boyfriend was about as likely to turn up to a regatta as Elon Musk.

It was usually fun to see who migrated towards whom at such moments, but all my brain had space for was Andrew, who’d disappeared with the trash, presumably taking it to the dumpster near the office. When he finally rejoined us, instead of dropping down beside me as I’d expected, he urged me away from the log I was resting against, his hands on my shoulders. I did as he bade and shuffled away from the log, and then he slid into the space behind me, cocooning me in his arms just like Pete was doing to Hannah.

I stiffened as a host of curious eyes roamed over us, but eventually their interest waned, and I gingerly eased back into him, finding him warm and comforting, his sweet, musky scent engulfing me.

The drunk part of me wanted to rub myself against him like a cat, marking him as mine, but luckily my sane sober brain was still in charge. At least, mostly, because somehow my hand had found his bicep and was stroking up and down.

‘I’m sorry about your race,’ he whispered, pulling me even closer.

I shifted so I could see his face in the flickering firelight. He understood what the loss meant to me—the first time I hadn’t made it to the second day of this regatta, and I’d been coming for over ten years. ‘I’m happy you won,’ I said, meaning every word.

He gave my arm a squeeze. ‘Your opposition had a ringer.’

I huffed a laugh. ‘She’s a fully-fledged member of their club!’

He hummed skeptically, and I rested my temple against his chest, doing what felt natural. He didn’t seem to mind.

‘It’s okay,’ I said, realizing I wasn’t as devastated as I should be. I was embarrassed and a little shocked, but mostly I couldn’t help feeling it was all my fault, and shame filled me.

He hugged me tighter, as though sensing my spiraling thoughts, and then Theo’s voice pierced our private bubble. ‘Miri’s never at training, so you should start there if you ask me … It’s not okay.’

I lifted my head from Andrew’s chest as Ottie said, ‘Theo! Shut the fuck up! Miri’s amazing.’

He tried to counter, but only got as far as, ‘I’m just saying—’ before the rest of my crew buried him under a barrage of vitriol.

‘She has the best ergo score in the club,’ said Belle.

‘She’s got more race experience than you could ever dream of,’ said Livia.

‘She’s the linchpin that holds our crew together!’ said Hazel.

Andrew pulled me towards him so my back pressed flush against his chest, his arms closing possessively around me. ‘And she’s right fucking here,’ he growled, the sound vibrating through him and into me in a way that had my eyes falling closed. He kissed my temple, then left his cheek pressed against my skin, and some combination of the alcohol, his musky scent, and his words had me almost forgetting the others existed.

‘Jesus …’ Theo laughed. ‘Get a fucking room! Am I right?’

This time, I didn’t even bother to look at him. I didn’t care what he thought, seeing as I was entirely wrapped up in the delight-for-all-the-senses that was Andrew.

‘No,’ said Noah. ‘As usual, you’re not right.’

‘Dude!’ Theo sounded indignant, but all I cared about was the press of Andrew’s skin and whether I could reasonably get away with kissing him, my tongue tingling at the idea of undulating against his.

‘Urgh, why do men always think with their fucking dicks?’ spat Ottie, the venom in her tone finally grabbing my attention. My eyes flew open just in time to see her jump up and storm off into the darkness.

Theo laughed it off, or at least tried to. ‘What was that about?’ he joked, looking around for supporters, but finding none.

‘You need to apologize,’ said Pete, his features set into a hard line.

‘Dude!’

‘Now,’ Pete pressed. ‘She’s had a few drinks, and if she hurts herself out there …’

‘Come on ! She’s a big girl.’

‘Don’t make me kick your punk ass,’ said Pete, in a tone I’d never heard from him before. ‘Get the fuck up and go after her.’

Theo shook his head like a petulant teen, and Pete shifted as though about to get up.

‘I’m going!’ said Theo, scrambling to his feet. ‘ Jesus , you people!’

‘There’s a torch on the table,’ said Andrew, and as I turned to chastise him for his inflammatory tone, I found his eyes locked on me, dark and captivating.

I barely heard the pfft noise Theo made, or Hannah calling, ‘Be nice!’ after him.

How could I have ever thought dating Theo was a good idea? He was a child, immature and lost, in need of the older men to show him the way, while the one whose arms I inexplicably found myself in had his shit well and truly together. He was the kind of man who thought about torches, and was undoubtedly good at DIY, and had a very sensible job none of the rest of us understood, and could, I was sure, were it ever required, bring down a deer in the woods with only his bare hands and a pocketknife. Fuck, that was such a turn on. He was such a catch, and in my slightly tipsy state, I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anyone before. More than I thought possible.

I turned and brushed my lips against his, little more than a featherlight touch, and he kissed me back for a heartbeat, then gently pulled away, exhaling as he pressed his forehead to mine.

‘Are you okay?’ he whispered. ‘You know you’re an asset to any crew, right?’

What the … He wanted to talk about rowing at a moment like this? ‘We’re not gelling as a crew,’ I heard myself say, keeping my voice low while trying to work out if he’d just rejected me again.

He pushed a wayward lock of hair behind my ear. ‘You guys haven’t been together long. Sometimes it takes a while.’

‘And sometimes it’s never going to work, but Theo’s right, it is my fault. I haven’t been around as much as I should have. We haven’t had the consistency we need.’

‘Where have you been?’ he asked, sliding his thumb across my cheek, then trailing his fingers down my neck.

I shivered, leaning into his touch and suppressing a moan. ‘It’s just …’ I hesitated because I hadn’t told anyone. It felt stupid, given how lucky I was. I puffed out a breath. ‘I think I’m in a rut.’

The stern face he used when he was thinking appeared—the face I’d long suspected to be the reason so many at the club thought him scary, when in fact it was just that he did a lot of thinking.

‘It’s stupid,’ I continued, when he didn’t say anything. ‘I have everything—two businesses, a great social life, rowing … I shouldn’t be feeling this way.’

‘Don’t diminish your feelings,’ he said with a gentle shake of his head. ‘Do you know what’s causing it?’

I lifted my eyebrows, then looked up at the stars as I considered his question. ‘I think I’m bored of my life, of work, and even rowing doesn’t motivate me the way it used to.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s fine.’

He paused for a beat. ‘Is it?’

I looked away. ‘I’ll figure something out.’

He ran his hand across my back and pressed his mouth against my hair. ‘Can I help?’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t know how you could.’

‘Do you need to speak to someone?’

I turned back to face him. ‘Like a therapist?’

He lifted one shoulder. ‘Or a business advisor or life coach or … Do you need a mentor?’

‘Fucking hell, Andrew.’ How was he so perfect?

His face shuttered and he started to withdraw. ‘Sorry, I’ll—’

‘No,’ I said quickly, cutting him off, halting his retreat, desperate to keep him with me in our private little world. ‘I didn’t mean it that way.’

He looked into one of my eyes, then the other, and then his watch vibrated, intruding on the moment. He glanced at the message on the screen, and his shoulders sagged, some underlying tension seeming to seep out of him. ‘Thank fuck,’ he breathed, more to himself than to me.

My stomach leapt with worry at the look on his face. ‘Everything okay?’

He turned off the screen, plunging us into a new kind of darkness now the light from his watch had ruined my night vision, then surprised me by kissing my temple. ‘My sister’s finally coming home.’

Andrew was the oldest of three children. He had two sisters, Dorothy, who was close to him in age, and Beth, who’d been a surprise to his parents more than ten years later. She’d taken off to travel the world almost two years ago and hadn’t been home since, and although Andrew rarely talked about his family, I’d got the sense there was some kind of rift going on that pained him.

‘She’s agreed to come to our annual work party,’ he said, and I would have pressed him for details about the slightly bizarre statement, but Pete’s loud fitness instructor tone grabbed our attention.

‘Bedtime,’ he said, helping Hannah to her feet. ‘We want to be in tip top shape for the morning.’

‘You’re such a personal trainer!’ laughed Livia, several drinks tipsy.

‘And what exactly is wrong with that?’ Hannah asked in mock outrage.

Livia barked an even louder laugh. ‘You really have to ask?’

‘He’s right,’ Andrew grumbled in my ear. ‘You should have fun with your crew, though, don’t feel like you have to go to bed just because I am.’

My stomach pulled tight at the mention of our shared bed, but as he urged me forward so he could stand, I stood with him. ‘I’m tired,’ I said by way of explanation when he hesitated just a little, and more to the point, I wasn’t in the mood for a public grilling from my crew. Yep, that was it, those were the only reasons I was going to bed.

I grabbed my toiletries and headed to the facilities block, hurrying past where Livia, Belle, and Hazel still sat chatting by the fire.

‘Oh no you don’t!’ called Livia, spotting me and jumping to her feet. I raced for the facilities block, but they followed, hot on my heels, Hazel’s giggling betraying just how close they were. My heart leapt, and I squealed as my flight reflex kicked in, running and diving into a stall the second I got inside, my heart beating frantically as a triumphant giggle burst from my lips.

‘You can’t hide from us, Miri!’ called Livia.

‘We have you cornered!’ agreed Belle.

‘And unlike you, we have nowhere better to be!’ added Hazel, followed by a fit of giggles.

‘Oh my God, what’s going on?’ said Ottie’s voice, as I leaned against the door.

‘You’re back!’ squealed Hazel.

‘What happened?’ demanded Livia, and I could have hugged Ottie for her distraction, giving me a moment of respite to pee before I had to face them.

‘Nothing happened,’ Ottie said defensively, then added more slowly, ‘Theo apologized for being a dick, I sort of forgave him, and then we walked back, which is when I saw you lunatics hurtling across the field like a pack of wolves after prey.’

‘The prey being Miri,’ said Belle, ‘in case you didn’t see that bit.’

I flushed, then unlocked the door, and all four of them turned to face me, their expressions gleeful in the harsh light of the fluorescent strip bulbs.

‘Soooo,’ said Ottie, leaning against the counter beside me as I washed my hands.

I gave her a questioning look.

‘Oh, don’t play dumb with us,’ said Livia, hip checking me out of the way, even though there were plenty more sinks.

‘Do you have contraception?’ asked Belle.

I choked on thin air, then busied myself with my toothbrush.

‘Well?’ said Ottie.

‘It’s a good thought,’ agreed Hazel.

I spun to face them, waving my toothbrush through the air. ‘We’re not sleeping together in a field with only canvas between us and all of you!’ I hissed, keeping my voice low because there was bound to be a hole somewhere between the men’s and women’s sides.

‘Oh, please,’ said Ottie. ‘You were practically climbing him out there.’

‘I was not,’ I said indignantly. Had I been? I’d thought I was being subtle, but then, I was three glasses in …

‘Don’t listen to them,’ said Hazel. ‘We’re happy for you really.’

‘And jealous,’ said Livia, folding her arms. ‘Don’t forget the jealousy.’

Ottie nodded vigorously. ‘You should totally do it.’

‘I would,’ agreed Hazel, shocking us all, making us laugh.

Belle shrugged as we calmed down. ‘It’s just biology.’

My stomach dipped both because I hated lying to my crew, and because I didn’t have any of what they thought I did with Andrew. What I was coming to realize I very much wanted with Andrew, a stable, healthy relationship. But that wasn’t what this was. It never would be. He’d made that clear.

‘But have you got contraception?’ Belle asked again. ‘Just in case?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘But I don’t …’

Belle pulled a couple of condoms from her pocket and tucked them into my wash bag. ‘Better to be safe, don’t you think?’

‘Wait,’ Livia said incredulously, ‘do you just carry those around with you at all times?'

Belle shrugged as though surprised Livia didn’t, and I shook my head a little at the general ridiculousness, but I knew it was pointless to argue.

Hazel folded me into a hug. ‘Are you okay?’ she said in my ear. ‘You seem … well … something seems …’ She pulled back and held me at arm’s length, staring me straight in the eye. ‘Funny.’

‘I’m fine,’ I replied, then stuck my toothbrush into my mouth and turned back to the mirror, but apparently I wasn’t convincing because they were still fixated on me. I spat, then repeated, ‘I’m fine!’ accompanied by a robust wave of my arms. ‘Go get your toothbrushes!’

They didn’t, but, small mercies, Ottie started spouting hate about Theo, so I took full advantage of the reprieve, grabbed my washbag, and fled. Luckily, they didn’t follow.

By the time I got back to the tent, my heart was hammering hard against my ribcage, and as I unzipped the outer door, the sound overwhelmingly loud in the near silent campsite, it became hard to breathe.

I kicked off my shoes, abandoned my washbag on the table, then swallowed hard as I approached the bedroom, guided by dim lantern light, Andrew already inside.

I paused before entering, wondering if I was really doing this, but the night air was cold, and Andrew would wonder what on Earth I was doing if I hesitated any longer, so I stepped over the threshold and zipped up the bedroom door behind me, enclosing us in the small, intimate space, the air thick with possibility.

I turned to find Andrew watching me from under the duvet, and as I took in his naked arms, chest, and shoulders, my pulse ratcheted higher. I grabbed my PJs and turned my back on him as I stripped off my top half, then pulled on the long-sleeved top.

As I replaced my leggings with the pajamas, my chest tightened, wondering if his gaze was on my naked flesh, thinking how hot that would be … But when I turned around, his eyes were angled towards the ceiling, and a sinking feeling sank through my stomach. But although it was disappointing in a way, it did give me the chance to study his big, well-defined form, the smooth, curved lines of his biceps, the alluring hollow at the base of his neck.

How was he topless? The temperature had dropped to something a long way south of pleasant, and yet there he was, skin exposed to the elements, as though it were positively balmy. I grabbed my sleeping bag from the base of the air mattress, thinking I’d sleep on top of the very cozy-looking duvet, when Andrew’s low, deep voice stopped me in my tracks.

‘Don’t even think about it. I can hear your teeth chattering from all the way over here.’

I paused. ‘You want me to …’

He moved to the other side of the bed and flicked open the duvet where he’d been lying, revealing a brushed cotton sheet that looked oh-so-tempting. ‘I want you to be warm, Miri.’

My face flamed. How about hot? Because, mission accomplished!

‘It’s cooling down,’ he murmured in a cajoling tone.

I abandoned the sleeping bag and slipped in beside him, almost purring in delight as I luxuriated in the warmth he’d left behind, but also nervous in a way I hadn’t been in years. He was careful not to touch me as I settled my head on the pillow that smelled of him, and I trained my eyes on the canvas above.

He turned a little towards me. ‘Does this make you uncomfortable?’ he asked, concern laced through his words.

‘No,’ I whispered, both hyperaware of all the ears around us, and of him, only inches away. ‘You?’ I added as an afterthought, swiveling my head so I could gauge his response.

He smiled as though I’d said something amusing. ‘No.’ He reached out and brushed his thumb across my cheekbone, and my eyes closed involuntarily, savoring his touch as I tried to stay afloat amid the frothing tide of confusion swirling in my brain. It tried to force me under, tried to throw my lips against his, but I fought its currents, knowing exactly where they led … to disappointment and rejection.

‘You’re tired?’ he asked, pushing my hair behind my ear, and I clenched my thighs against the sensation his touch elicited in my core.

I slowly opened my eyelids, and as I met his gaze in the barely there light of the lantern, I wasn’t sure what I saw. I examined one of his dark orbs, then the other, trying to decipher the silent messages they were sending, but it was no good because what looked like longing couldn’t be, and what I might have taken for lust wasn’t something we should act on, even if that was the truth of what lurked in his deep green depths.

But I reached out a hand and skimmed his solid pec with my fingers anyway, and his breath hitched. Encouraged, I slowly shuffled forward, watching him as I went, giving him time to pull away, to stop me if this wasn’t what he wanted. Then I replaced my fingers with my cheek, sighing as his hand slid into my hair, cupping my head, holding me to him. His heartbeat under my skin was soothing and evocative, and I couldn’t help but brush my lips against his almost hairless chest.

‘Miri …’ he said in a tight voice.

‘Friends snuggle, right?’ I breathed, scared to let him voice whatever protest he’d been about to make. He tensed, and I pulled back, needing to see his eyes. ‘For heat-related purposes?’ I added quickly because his face had morphed into something entirely unreadable. ‘I know this is fake,’ I clarified. ‘I just …’ I trailed off, looking hopefully up at him, but his features were not encouraging. ‘Sorry,’ I whispered, as the weight of his rejection crashed over me. I turned away, trying to hide the tears stinging my eyes. Damned alcohol. I would never have been so bold if I was sober. And now he would fake dump me, and that would be that.

The tears tried to force their way free, but I drove them back. I would not cry. It had been an emotional day, I’d had too much to drink, and I was in a tent with a half-naked demi-god. Could anyone really blame me for wanting to snuggle? To not be alone at a time like this, when my crew had lost, I was unhappy with my perfectly fulfilling life, and I was fake-dating one of my oldest friends for no good reason? But he’d already made it clear what this was. He’d rejected me once already, twice if I counted the kiss by the campfire … I covered my face with my hand. What the fuck was I doing? What had I been thinking? Of course he didn’t want to—

He brushed his fingers down my spine, and I arched, the unexpected intensity of it so great I had to stifle a gasp. ‘I don’t know if friends snuggle, Miri,’ he said, his voice little more than a murmur, ‘but I want to if you do.’

I almost cried in relief, only just holding it together as his strong arm closed around me and pulled my back to his chest. Warmth seeped from his skin into mine, and my heart raced, my insides tight with longing, my body screaming at me to kiss him. But I couldn’t because friends definitely didn’t do that, and if I tried, he would push me away, and then I wouldn’t even have his arms and chest and thighs as consolation.

So I settled for skimming my mouth gently across his bicep and forcing myself to resist the temptation to do more.

Andrew’s watch buzzed, and he pulled away to look at it, saying, ‘Sorry, I’ll put it on silent.’ I didn’t care about the watch, only that he hugged me some more, so when he switched off the lantern and returned, I couldn’t help the hum of relief that slipped through my lips.

He tensed, so I spat out the first words that came into my head, terrified he’d put space between us. ‘So what’s this work party?’ I asked, his watch having reminded me of the earlier message from his sister. It seemed strange for their reunion to take place there, especially when she’d been away for so long.

‘DrewDox invites everyone’s families,’ he said. ‘It’s a small company, but we do this big bash every year … It’s fun, and my sister used to love it. There’s live music and good food and … everyone feels valued.’

‘Hmmm,’ I murmured, ‘that does sound nice.’

‘It is.’ I felt his low, rumbling words all the way down to my toes and found myself pressing back against him a little harder, a sudden flood of desire making me want to do so much more.

He grunted and shifted his lower body away, and shame rushed through me, the damnable word friends stabbing a hot dagger into my heart. When would I learn? How many rejections would it take? But he didn’t roll away. Instead, he kissed my hair and whispered, ‘Sleep, M,’ in my ear, and to my eternal surprise, I did.