Chapter 26
CHAPTER 26
T ristan stood in the center of the room, staring at the rock. All eyes were on him, awaiting wisdom. He studied the stone for a long time before he finally said, “And what were you doing when it was thrown through the window?”
Eli and Darby made fleeting eye contact before their gazes skittered away. Josie, who saw the exchange, stifled a laugh that she tried to turn into a cough. Apparently she and Eli were close enough for her to interpret the truth, and Darby was not bothered by that, not at all. She certainly was not jealous of the friend of a man she barely knew, not even a little. The oddly painful clog in the back of her throat must be for some other reason entirely because never, not even when she was married, had she been jealous of another woman. Certainly not a woman whose hulking boyfriend stood in the center of a room, staring at a rock.
What has my life become? It was not the first time she’d asked herself that question lately, and it would not be the last.
“What?” Tristan asked, eyes on his girlfriend.
She stood on her toes to whisper in his ear, but he still had to bend down to make the connection. To his credit, his stoic expression didn’t waiver when Josie whispered what she must have discerned, that Eli and Darby were making out when the rock flew through the window. “Hmm,” was all he said.
“Where do we go from here?” Eli asked. Somehow his tone was neutral, too, and Darby was baffled by that, baffled by him, really. He looked like an ordinary guy, cute with his sandy hair, nice guy face, and braces. He looked like someone’s little brother, all adorable and sweet. Darby didn’t have much experience, before Ham. Guys had liked her, and she’d flirted with them, but she’d been reserved, too skittish to commit. When Ham swept her off her feet and carried her away, it had been a relief because it took her out of a game she never understood. And then he died, and in the midst of her grief she felt another sort of relief because that part of her life was over; she would never have to worry about men or dating again. And now here was Eli with all his kind sweetness, tender care, and disarming humor. What was she to make of him?
She realized he’d spoken again and forced herself to tune in. “What?” she said.
“I said should I take you to my apartment,” he repeated, focusing his gaze on her. He seemed remarkably unruffled, given the current circumstances, and she realized she liked that about him, too. He was a different type of man than Tristan, but no less masculine. He might not be bulky or overtly “manly,” but he made her feel safe and protected, more than anyone ever had. That was a startling revelation she tucked away for another time.
“They can find you there, as well as here,” Tristan said.
“Oh, good, thanks. We’ll both sleep well tonight,” Eli deadpanned.
Tristan’s lips pressed together, which was probably as close as he came to showing annoyance. “If only you had another location, somewhere in the country, perhaps.”
“Oh,” Eli said, with dawning remembrance. “Right. We should go there.”
“Go where?” Darby asked. She sat down, suddenly feeling the weight of all the last few days of lost sleep, plus major surgery.
Eli, immediately tuned in to her distress, sank beside her on the couch and rested a comforting hand on her back. “Are you okay?”
“I think so,” she said, but it sounded like a question. “Go where?”
“My uncle has a house in the country. We can stay there a couple of days, until Tristan gets a handle on things. If you’re up for it?”
Was she up for it? “I think so,” she said, but it once again sounded like a question. Her gaze slid around her apartment with undisguised anxiety. She hadn’t left its confines since Ham died, at least not overnight, minus the hospital. Going away now added to her disorientation.
Eli was still rubbing that soothing pattern on her back, and it felt better than anything Darby could remember. “Josie can help you pack.”
She froze. “I can do it; I don’t need help.” She could barely move; she needed all the help.
“Josie can help you pack,” Eli repeated in a tone that was friendly but insistent.
“Absolutely,” Josie beamed. The way she held out her hand for Darby made her remember she taught kindergarten. This must be how those children felt when faced with Josie’s enthusiastic smile, like you’d be personally letting her down, if you refused. Darby put her hand out and allowed herself to be pulled up and herded to her bedroom. Josie led her to the bed. “Now, you lie down while I get some things together. You can tell me what to pack, okay?” It was the overly bright teacher voice again. That probably should have grated on Darby’s nerves. Usually it might, but in light of the situation, and her abject helplessness, it was soothing.
“I don’t care what you pack, whatever you think. You probably know better than I do.” In truth, she was too exhausted to make a decision about anything, even what she would wear in the next few days.
“Okay,” Josie smiled, actually smiled while she spoke.
“You and Eli must have had a nice friend group,” Darby noted. She didn’t know much about them, but she knew they’d been friends since high school, because Eli told her.
“We totally do, except Gabe. Have you met Gabe yet?”
“No,” Darby said. She couldn’t imagine a scenario where she would meet more of their friends. That didn’t make her sad, did it?
“Please don’t judge us, when you do. Eli and I are loyal, maybe too much sometimes.” She tucked various things in a suitcase that hadn’t been used in far too many years.
“Your boyfriend adores you,” Darby noted, watching Josie work.
“It’s mutual,” Josie agreed, with a smile.
Darby felt another untoward stab of sadness that baffled her. She had sworn off men. She didn’t want what Josie and Tristan had. Did she? Hadn’t she already had her turn, with Ham? Had things ever been that way, with her and Ham? She tried hard to remember and couldn’t. She was hard pressed to say anything negative about her husband, and yet something had been lacking, something she couldn’t put her finger on. Worse, she hadn’t realized it until lately, until after she met Eli.
Ham had been a nice guy, a good guy. He’d been generous and funny and charming. But in their relationship, he’d also been the child, in a lot of ways. He had wanted Darby’s full attention and focus, had wanted her to dote on him, serve him, fawn over him. And she, not knowing any better, thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Their relationship lifted her out of a poverty cycle she was otherwise unable to break, but it had exhausted her, had drained her of resources. No wonder Ham hadn’t wanted her to work or go to college; he had been her fulltime career. He wanted her at his beck and call, not just to cook and clean and have sex; she had certainly been more to him than a maid and high-price call girl. He had genuinely enjoyed being with her, watching television, playing games, taking little excursions. Ham had been full of life and adventure, and he had dragged Darby along for the ride. Since he was retired and earned passive income from the apartment building, as well as his investments, he was free to travel at the drop of a hat, which they did, frequently jetting off to New England, or Canada, or the beach. Before he died, he’d been planning an epic road trip out west. After he passed, Darby hadn’t even considered going anywhere on her own and, if she were being honest, hadn’t mourned the loss of that last trip. What did that say about her? Was she that boring, that chained to her home and her routine?
“You’re awfully quiet over there,” Josie noted, warm concern in her tone. She came closer to the bed and sat down. “You’ve been through a lot. Can I help in any way? Can I get you something that might help you feel better?”
To Darby’s embarrassment, tears flooded her eyes. Before Eli, it had been years before a man expressed interest or care in her wellbeing, but it had been even longer since a woman did it. Her mom was too busy with her own survival to concern herself with Darby, whom she considered safe and out of harm’s way, now that she was financially covered. She shook her head, brushing the tears away. “I’m okay.” How many times had she said that in her life? How many times had she believed it? She didn’t now. She was not okay, and she had no idea what to do with that information.
Josie gave her a sympathetic smile, one that said she saw more than Darby wanted her to see, that she probably saw behind the facade. “Well, you’re in good hands with Eli. He’ll take good care of you. He’s a great friend.”
Darby gave a little nod and sniff and then blurted, “He is, but I’m not sure I am. I…haven’t had a lot of friends.”
Far from being shocked or repulsed by the confession, Josie lifted a shoulder in a careless shrug. “People are good at different things. Tristan would never classify himself as a people person, but he’s an amazing boyfriend. You’ll figure it out.”
Darby took a steadying breath, trying hard to pull herself together, as Eli poked his head around the corner. For a beat, his eyes dimmed with concern as they drifted to Josie, perched on the edge of the bed, and Darby, lying beside her. “Everything okay?”
“It’s fine,” Josie assured him. “Darby’s tired and in need of some country refreshment.”
“Well, all right,” he said, finding his smile again. “Quick question, Darby, how do you feel about goats?”
“On the farm, good. On the plate, bad,” she said.
“We’ll talk on the way,” he assured her, reaching out for the suitcase Josie handed over.
He had already packed, while Josie was packing her, so they were ready to go. They said goodbye to Josie and Tristan, who continued to wander her apartment, mute and stoic, and then they were on their way.
“How far away is it?” Darby asked. She felt unaccountably nervous, and she had no idea why. Because she was leaving her oasis? Because of the kiss they still hadn’t mentioned? No idea.
“About ninety minutes, without traffic.”
“Does your uncle mind that we’re making an unannounced visit?”
“No, he’s actually not there. He and my aunt made this arrangement because she wanted to sell the farm and move closer to their kids, but he wasn’t willing to let it go. As a compromise, he gets someone to watch over things, while they travel. They’re visiting my cousin right now, and have someone watching the animals. But it’s always a relief to have a real person on site, so he’s glad we’ll be there. Plus their dog had to stay because he’s old and doesn’t travel well. Parker will be glad to see us, too. Parker is the dog,” he added as an aside, shooting her a conspiratorial smile. “Are you okay with dogs?”
“I love dogs,” she said.
“Too bad the landlord won’t let you have one,” he said.
She smiled. “I guess I could probably get one, but I don’t seem to do anything out of my routine.”
“I think that’s kind of normal.”
“You do?” she said. She thought it was the opposite.
He nodded. “When someone has an insecure childhood, and they find security, they tend to hold onto it, don’t you think?”
She had never given it consideration, but now that she did, it made sense. Her childhood had been the definition of insecure, just her mom and siblings, never enough money, never enough Mom. Would it have been different, if her father stuck around? Was that why she had so easily latched onto Ham, because she’d been desperate for that father figure? She grimaced, not liking to think that. Besides, Ham hadn’t been like a father to her, not really. He’d been almost like a child, needy and impetuous, always casting her in the role of caregiver, emotionally and otherwise. But she did experience a spike of anxiety if she ventured out of her routine. “Maybe.”
“Besides, don’t you think it’s unhealthier to be the sort of person who needs constant change and amusement? Always changing jobs, locations, partners. To me, remaining in your lane looks a whole lot like stability.”
“Huh,” she said and got stuck staring at his profile. It was amazing to her the way he could take the worst, messiest parts of her life and make them okay. Break into his house? You’re going through a lot right now. Collapse bleeding on his floor? I can’t believe you’ve been functioning so well through a dire medical issue, all this time. Have no friends and refuse to leave your apartment? Must mean you’re well-adjusted and not flighty. How did this man make average so appealing? He was cute, but not drop dead handsome, he had a mediocre job, lived in a mediocre apartment, and drove a mediocre car. But his kindness was exceptional and that, Darby realized, made the difference. She wasn’t certain she had ever encountered someone so selfless, so willing to go to bat for a complete stranger, and it drew her to him like the proverbial moth to the flame. Eli made her feel safer than Ham ever had, safer than anyone ever had. Ham hadn’t wanted her messiness, her neediness, her brokenness. He had only wanted what she could give him. In exchange, he had given her money and new experiences. Eli, on the other hand, offered her something exponentially more valuable: acceptance.
Darby had spent most of her life being judged by her looks. Her beauty had opened doors for her and also taught her to hold men at arm’s length, because their interest was superficial. She’d allowed Ham in, because he’d seemed safer than most men, and her beauty propelled her to the role of child bride, one with a sizeable bank account. And now she was faced with a man who genuinely seemed not to care how she looked. If she were a hundred pounds heavier, Eli would treat her exactly as he had, with the same compassion and tenderness. If her features and hair were poorly arranged, in an aesthetically displeasing mismatch, he would still smile at her with the same warmth, would want to make certain she was equally cared for. She had never met a man like that, and she had nowhere to go with it because it made her feel oddly insecure. If she didn’t have her looks as a buffer, what exactly did she have? What did Eli see when he looked at her heart? Was it as small and empty as she feared? She had no friends, no hobbies, nothing.
She swallowed hard and glanced away.
“We’re almost there,” he said, and she realized he had probably picked up on her silence and dark mood. She forced a smile.
“Okay.”
A few minutes later, he pulled into the farmhouse lane. It was too dark for Darby to see anything, minus a large house and medium size barn. He carried both their bags inside, Darby in his wake, and deposited hers in a back bedroom while she remained in the living room, inspecting the space. It was a normal house, nothing extravagant to make her believe Eli was secretly rich, but she still felt off-kilter and on edge.
“Do you want anything to eat or drink?” he asked as he reentered the room. Darby turned to face him and shook her head.
“You’ve been quiet. Are you in pain?”
“No, I…” she trailed off, uncertain how to finish. He was so composed when he looked at her, so solid and stable. How did he do that? At this point, Darby felt like a stiff breeze might break her apart and blow her away. What she wanted in this moment, she soon realized, was some signal or sign that Eli was as confused about her as she was about him, that maybe he was a little bit into her. Instead his face remained a polite mask, as if the giant rock through her window hadn’t interrupted a teenage-level of desperation makeout session.
He took a small step forward and touched her fingers. “Darby?” His hand was warm and solid, bestowing feeling to her cold and frozen appendages.
“I feel so lost,” she blurted.
“This has been a lot,” he said, taking another tentative step closer. “The surgery, the murder, the rock. It’s okay to feel a mess right now.”
She nodded her agreement. “It’s more than that, though.” She glanced at him, to see how that went over, but his face remained placid. “I feel like I’m this big blank space, no ambition, no interests. How have I filled my time the last five years? I have no idea.” She shook her head, disgusted and almost panicked with the empty canvas a review of her life presented.
Eli smiled. “You’re twenty-eight years old. You’ll get it figured out.”
“What if I don’t?” she whispered.
“Then so what? Who says you have to live some amazing life, worthy of Instagram followers? I oversee four nursing homes, and I can tell you a thousand percent that none of the stuff that matters at our age matters at theirs. The best, most wonderful patients I knew lived these tiny, quiet lives. No one knows who they are, few people care when they die, but they make their little corner of the world better, every moment they’re in it.”
“Sounds like you’re describing yourself,” she said and felt gratified to see him blush.
“I don’t know about that,” he murmured.
Silence descended that felt awkward to Darby. Worse, she didn’t know how to break it. Eli shifted from foot to foot and cleared his throat. “I feel like there’s something we need to discuss.”
Her cheeks flooded with heat. He was going to bring up the kiss, she knew it, had been waiting for it like impending doom. “What?” she croaked.
“I don’t want to upset you. Maybe I should wait.” His glance fled toward her room, probably wondering if he should say goodnight and let her go to bed.
“Just say it,” she said. The sooner they got this over with the better.
He took a bracing breath and made himself look her in the eye. “What did you mean when you said you were afraid Asher was going to kill you?”