CHAPTER FIVE
BUD LEROY
That looks bad. Like, amputation bad. I think there was a medicine cabinet back there. I’ll check it out. Do you have any allergies?
JULIANA THE DEMON HUNTRESS
I’m only allergic to two things: Incubus venom, and assholes. [looks at Viggo]
Vampire Falls. Season six, episode nine – “All Together Now”
If you think Damon Van Schwartz’s eyes look blue in Vampire Falls, then I’m here to tell you that they are way, way higher on the blue scale in real life, my friend.
Like, bluer than every expanse of water a young-adult fiction author could ever compare them to.
Insanely blue. I swear a blue hue reflects across the marble floor as he strides in with a Colgate smile, phone in his hand, and an assistant picking up on his every non-verbal command.
I swallow and tuck my hair behind my ears as I watch him cross the floor, the rest of the convention attendees flocking towards him like ants to honey.
He glances between them and his phone, his smile not faltering as he greets fans and nods, but not stopping for a moment in case anyone tries to mount him.
(I’ve seen this happen once. Poor woman was so overwhelmed she started crying and tried to climb up his back. We’ve all been there, Marion.)
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” squeals Sadie, as Damon glides across the foyer, “his eyes are so blue.”
See?
Roxy has pulled Sadie close and put an arm around her as she slowly falls apart being in the same oxygen space as her favourite actor for the first time. It’s an important rite of passage for any superfan, and honestly, I’m glad I’m here for it.
Sadie’s oh-my-gods become more and more incoherent until the poor girl is actually sobbing. Roxy and I share a knowing smile, then we turn back to watch Damon Van Schwartz finish doing his thing, and something incredible is happening.
Damon Van Schwartz, being the ultra-sensitive people-loving person he is, has clocked the cute crying kid and is heading right for her.
Which means he’s heading right for us.
Basically, right for me.
I quickly insert myself between Charlie Chamberlain and Sadie and put my arm around her too, so she looks like mine and Roxy’s daughter and, ignoring Charlie Chamberlain’s insistence that I apologise for crushing his metatarsal, look down adoringly at Sadie who is now practically hyperventilating.
“Hey kid, what’s up?” drawls Damon Van Schwartz. Oh, his voice. “Who you here with?”
“My-my-my . . .” stammers Sadie, fanning her face with both hands.
Charlie Chamberlain steps in front of me. Wanker-face.
“Me, her brother. Sorry, Damon, I think she’s a little overwhelmed.”
Damon? Who the bloody hell does Charlie Chamberlain think he is, addressing Damon Van Schwartz in such a casual manner? Unbelievable.
“Oh, that’s OK, we all get a little overwhelmed sometimes, right?” says Damon Van Schwartz. “What’s your name, kid?”
“S-s-s-s . . .” hiccups poor Sadie.
“Sadie,” says Charlie, stepping backwards and putting his arm around Sadie so I’m relegated to standing behind him and his stupid tallness.
“Nice name.” Damon looks at Charlie Chamberlain. “What about you, big brother. What’s your name?”
“Charlie.”
“You think our Sadie’s gonna be OK, Charlie?”
“She’ll be fine.”
I step to the side as Damon Van Schwartz beams at Sadie, well-schooled in calming down hysterical tween fans.
He stretches his arm out behind, turning his palm up without even looking at his assistant who somehow reads his mind and pulls out a Sharpie and a glossy photo from thin air.
She puts them in his hand, and he signs his name across the Vampire Falls photo and hands it to a snivelling Sadie.
“Well, I hope you have a great weekend, Sadie. Make sure you say hey next time we see each other, OK?”
Sadie manages something between a nod and a convulsion, and Damon Van Schwartz stands up and takes a moment to acknowledge Roxy and then me. His eyes rest on my face for a moment before he looks down, and I remember with horror what I’m wearing. He reads the slogan and raises his eyebrows.
“Well, good for you, I guess,” he says, then turns to walk away.
“This isn’t my T-shirt!” I blurt. Damon Van Schwartz recoils a little. I guess he’s always on high alert for potential I’m-your-biggest-fan-I’ve-saved-my-toenail-clippings-for-you types. “I mean, I had an accident and had to get changed and this was all there was.”
“Hey, no need to explain: you do you,” says Damon Van Schwartz, pressing his palms together, then pointing at me with both index fingers. “You wanna be a virgin, you be a virgin.”
“No, I mean, thank you, but this isn’t mine and anyway, it says This is an old T-shirt on the back,” I say, turning round so he can read the back.
“So, you’re not a virgin then?” asks Charlie Chamberlain, folding his arms.
“What? No. I mean, yes,” I say, shaking my head then glaring at Charlie Chamberlain. “I mean, what’s the question again?”
“So, you are then?” says Charlie Chamberlain, squinting at me and putting his thumb and forefinger on his chin.
“Not cool, Charlie,” says Roxy, shaking her head. “Eliza, maybe we should register?”
“It’s none of your business whether I’m a virgin or not, Charlie,” I say, knowing I should grasp Roxy’s way out of this hell conversation, but you’re probably not surprised that I’m not thinking straight right now.
“But you’re wearing a T-shirt proclaiming that you are one, Eliza.”
“But it says This is an old T-shirt on the back!”
“So, is it an old T-shirt then?” asks Damon Van Schwartz.
“What?” Oh please, not Damon Van Schwartz as well. I have dreamt so many conversations with him, but none of them involve discussing my virgin status. “No, no, it’s not my T-shirt. I had an accident and had to change my clothes.”
“An accident?” repeats Charlie Chamberlain, doing air quotes round the word.
“I didn’t wet myself!” I blurt. “I spilt my drink, and this was all there was to change into. For god’s sake, I wouldn’t wear a T-shirt like this even if I wasn’t a virgin.”
“So, you’re saying you are a virgin?”
“YES, CHARLIE. I AM A VIRGIN, OK?!”
Did someone just shout that on my behalf? No? Oh good, it was me then. Perfect.
Someone presses pause on the entire hotel, and I know without having to look around that everyone’s eyes are on me, including the bluest of blue eyes of Damon Van Schwartz who is whispering something to his publicist as she places herself between him and me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout. It’s just . . .” I let out a breath and waft the neck of the T-shirt to let some of the air conditioning cool down my skin, “it’s been kind of a crappy morning so far.”
“Forget it, you guys. Go. Go have the best of weekends and enjoy . . .” says Damon Van Schwartz, then his nose wrinkles, and he leans into his publicist and whispers somethingabout a heinous smell.
It’s me. I’m the heinous smell. If I could fold myself up and put myself into an envelope and post it to Easter Island, I would, but instead I shuffle backwards as Damon Van Schwartz, and everyone in the vicinity, sniffs the air.
Everyone including Charlie Chamberlain, who’s taking long sniffs, closer and closer to the source. Again, me.
“Ew,” he says, waving his hand across his face. “Eliza. Gross.”
Damon Van Schwartz looks at me like I’m a fresh something he’s stepped in and holds his hand out to his assistant again.
She pulls out a small tub of mints and he takes it, throwing one into his mouth.
Within seconds, his eyes widen, and then they bulge as he spins round to his assistant and grabs her shoulder with one hand and his neck with the other, a rasping sound coming from his throat as his face gets redder and redder.
He’s choking. Oh, my Goddess of Rage and Jealousy, Damon Van Schwartz is choking on a mint right in front of our eyes.
“Somebody do something!” shouts his assistant in a Californian accent. “Call 911!”
I don’t think now’s the time to tell her 911 won’t be much help in England. Damon Van Schwartz stumbles around in front of us, his arms waving and his lips turning blue, and we all just stare at him like he’s doing a scene from Vampire Falls.
Charlie Chamberlain springs from my side and moves quickly behind him. He puts both arms around Damon Van Schwartz’s chest, clasping his hands in front.
“Cough!” he shouts, tightening his arms. “Cough!”
All of a sudden, whatever Charlie Chamberlain’s doing dislodges the mint from Damon Van Schwartz’s throat and it flies from his mouth, hitting me directly between the eyes.
He heaves a huge breath then starts coughing and Charlie Chamberlain moves to his side to take his weight.
The coughing slows and he wipes his eyes, then puts his hand on Charlie Chamberlain’s shoulder and straightens up.
“Man,” he says, still panting hard, “I thought that was the end of the line, for sure. You saved my life, kid.”
“No, you would have been OK,” says Charlie Chamberlain, shrugging like he’s always going round giving celebrities the Heimlich manoeuvre.
“I mean it, Charlie; you saved my life.” Damon Van Schwartz grabs his hand then raises it above his head like he’s just won a boxing match. “Everybody; Charlie just saved my life!”
Everyone bursts into applause, some wiping away tears of joy that their favourite Vampire Falls star is still alive and able to honour his convention commitments. People elbow me out of the way to smack Charlie Chamberlain on the back or high-five him, and the entire hotel chants his name.
“Your brother’s a hero, Sadie!” says Damon Van Schwartz, giving Sadie’s shoulder a squeeze. Sadie bursts into tears and clings to Roxy. “Charlie, you and Sadie are my guests of honour this weekend. I’m gonna get you guest passes, and tonight, I’m taking you both out for dinner.”
“That’s really not necessary, Damon,” says Charlie.
No, Damon, that’s really not necessary.
“Hey,” says Damon Van Schwartz, putting his hand on Charlie’s shoulder and looking deep into his eyes. “For the guy who just saved my life, it’s a thousand per cent necessary. Now, you and Sadie come with me to the green room. I want Debbie to get all your details so we can make the arrangements.”
They walk off together and Debbie (apparently) ushers Sadie along with them, who hurries after her big brother. Roxy turns to me, her mouth wide open.
“Can you believe what just happened?” she says.
I shake my head. Charlie Chamberlain has been here for twelve minutes and he’s saved the star of the show’s life, become everyone’s hero and got an upgrade on the whole weekend.
He’s also upgraded himself from being my annoying ex-best friend to my arch nemesis.