Chapter 16 Find Me
KANG’S ON CAMPUS at the same time as my one and only in-person class.
And I need a plan, because it’s one thing to be able to attend class after all my efforts, and another one to face the possibility of running into Kang. I only hope it’s a one-time thing, a coincidence, and his course schedule doesn’t align with mine.
I wait for the classroom to empty out and for enough time to pass for the halls to clear.
I’m banking on his classes being on the completely opposite side of campus, or at least in a different building, but I’m beginning to feel like the chances of running into him now are high.
Although I don’t even know what he looks like, and he doesn’t know what I look like, so maybe I’m worrying too much.
As I sit here and wait for everyone to leave, I begin to ponder community college life, and I’m amazed by it—seeing so many things I was totally unaware of before, as if I’m suddenly noticing every little detail no matter how small.
I guess everything I’ve been through has made me observant.
I feel as if I’ve acquired some supernatural ability—although there’s nothing super about me—to see things so much more clearly. Or maybe I’ve just totally lost it.
I replay the class and make observations about my new classmates.
The older women were the first to leave, saying goodbye to everyone as they walked out.
Earlier I saw the redheaded girl explain something to another student who didn’t understand, and she has a very warm smile.
The group of pretty girls seem nice. The girl with wavy hair and curves to die for exudes a self-confidence that makes me envious.
Two guys who sat laughing together walk out teasing each other and exchanging grins…
Is it my imagination, or is there a certain chemistry between them?
The dark-haired girl seems quiet, but I saw her staring at the redheaded guy who approached me before class started.
Does she like him? I guess I shouldn’t judge him before getting to know him.
The last students to leave are a group of three: one guy with dark purple hair and two girls with glasses and high ponytails.
This group is hard to pinpoint. They look somehow quite studious but also unattainably cool at the same time.
It’s amazing how much you can observe when you have no one to talk to.
I survived the first class , I think to myself, feeling positive, even cheerful. A smile dances on my lips over my small victory.
“Hoodie.”
I tense up. It’s the redheaded guy. I was so busy celebrating that I didn’t notice him return to the classroom. Now we’re alone. I look up and see him walking toward me.
No . My breath quickens and I clench my fists.
“Do you have a name?” He sits at the desk in front of me. “Or should I just call you Hoodie?”
I swallow and my throat feels like sandpaper. It’s the first time I’ve spoken face-to-face with someone my age in a very long time. I can’t find my voice.
He cocks his head to one side, observing me. I want to disappear into my sweatshirt.
“Are you mute?”
I have the urge to get up and leave. I can’t stand his inquisitive gaze. The only reason I haven’t darted out of the classroom is that I know Kang is out there somewhere.
The guy’s hazel eyes move to my notebook and the sketches I made during class. “Hey, cool.”
I cover the drawings.
“Are you really not going to talk to me?”
I shake my head.
He smiles and stands. “Fine, have it your way, Hoodie.” He throws up his hands as if surrendering, but there’s something in his eyes that says he won’t give up.
When he leaves, I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding. Why was he so insistent on talking to me?
I exit the classroom and walk toward the main doors of the building.
I know I could order an Uber and go home now; I’m done with my class for the day.
It went smoothly, so maybe I should take this victory and quit while I’m ahead, but the fact that everything went so well motivates me to push a little further.
I need to take more risks if I want to get better, and I know the perfect place to do that.
The very notion of the cafeteria horrifies me—so many people in one place, an unfamiliar place at that, and Kang has to eat, too, so he might be there. But I have to remind myself we don’t know what each other looks like, and that’s enough to settle my nerves, at least about that issue.
I can just barely see the door, and already my heart is pounding in my throat.
You can do it, Klara. You dealt with that redheaded guy; you can handle this.
I think about the fact that it could be worse—it could be a massive dining hall like those in bigger universities, but it’s literally the size of my high school’s.
With my hands in my sweatshirt pockets and my head down, I make my way through the cafeteria.
I get in the buffet line, tray in hand, and start looking at the food.
I need something soft and easy to chew because my anxious brain instantly goes to the possibility of choking here.
I choose mashed potatoes, chicken teriyaki, and a banana for dessert.
After I’m done, I quickly move to a desolate table in the corner.
I understand why no one sits here. It’s right next to the trash cans, which give off an unpleasant odor, but I don’t care.
I look down at my tray of food and suddenly my eyes fill with tears: I’m living a normal life, eating in the cafeteria after class like a regular college student, not locked away in my room.
These are not tears of sadness, but of joy at finally being able to accomplish something I thought I would never be able to.
I wipe a rogue tear and blink, blowing out a breath to regain control of my emotions; I don’t want to cry in front of everyone here.
“I know the food is bad, but I’ve never seen anybody cry about it before.
” I look up to see the curvy girl from class standing in front of my table with a tray in hand.
She shakes her head, tossing her wavy hair over her shoulders, and sits down across from me.
“I’m Perla,” she informs me, unwrapping a plastic spoon and fork.
Up close, I see how beautiful her face is, framed by long wavy hair, with soft features and the brightest dark eyes I’ve ever seen. Her eyeliner game is on point and looks great. I want to say something, but no words come—I don’t know why it’s so difficult.
“Don’t be scared. I’m not going to hurt you.” She starts in on her lunch. “Eat up, it’s worse when it’s cold.”
I start taking bites of my food as we sit together in silence. Perla doesn’t push me into conversation, as if giving me my time, and I thank her for it. “My name is Klara, with a K,” I finally say after I finish chewing. Hearing my own voice feels refreshing after a morning of silence.
Perla smiles and dimples appear on her cheeks. “Great to meet you, Klara with a K.”
I smile back.
“If you’re trying not to draw attention to yourself, you might want to lose the hood,” she suggests, taking a sip of her soda.
“I’m fine like this, no one has noticed me.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Is that what you think?”
I nod.
She shakes her head. “The more you try to hide, the more you’ll make everyone curious about you. If you don’t want to be easy prey, don’t act like you are.”
Prey? Am I in college or on Animal Planet?
“I don’t think anyone has noticed me,” I repeat.
“Yes, they have, Klara. I’ve seen several people looking at you. You’re just too lost in your own world to notice.”
I avoid her gaze and look down at my food, suddenly all too aware of where I am and the dozens of other students around me. But I remind myself that I have to push through.
Perla continues, “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable; I just want to help.”
“Why? You don’t even know me.”
“You remind me of me when I first moved here.”
“I don’t believe that. You look so… so sure of yourself. The complete opposite of me.”
“I wasn’t always like this.” Perla sighs. “We gain strength through struggles.”
“You make struggles sound like a good thing.”
“Our challenges shape who we are, sure, but they don’t define us.”
Perla is so positive; she reminds me of my mother. But this conversation is getting too deep, and I want to change the subject. There are so many things I want to know, and now I finally have someone to ask. “Okay, so is this the part where you tell me who’s cool and who sucks?”
Perla bursts out laughing. “What? This isn’t high school, Klara.”
“You’re right,” I reply, slightly embarrassed—I can feel my cheeks starting to heat up. Though, to be fair, this cafeteria does remind me of high school.
“I’ll humor you, though. Hmmm, who sucks?
” She’s playful. “Ah, if only it were that simple. I don’t like to view people in black and white, but rather in grayscale.
A person may have a kind heart but make selfish decisions, and another person, with a cold heart, may be capable of huge sacrifice for others.
The human being is an enigma, one big gray area. ”
“You sound like my therapist,” I say without thinking and immediately regret it. Nice one, Klara, great way to start a friendship! Now I’m the crazy girl who has a therapist .
Perla doesn’t flinch. “My mom’s a counselor here. I guess her endless lectures have rubbed off on me.”
Her mother is a counselor… Something clicks inside my head. “Is your mom Ms. Romes? Did she send you to talk to me?”
I can’t hide my disappointment; I thought this girl sat with me because she wanted to be my friend, not because her mother asked her to take pity on me.
Perla looks embarrassed. “Well, I…”
I stand up, empty my tray into the trash, then rush out of the cafeteria.
I’m so delusional , I think as I walk down a long corridor of the Hawthorn Commons Hall, crowded at this time of day, but I’m too upset to let that affect me.
I can’t believe I thought I’d be able to make a new friend so easily, just like that.
How could I buy into the lie that a normal life was something within reach?
“Kang!”
I’ve never stopped so abruptly in my life. My feet are glued to the ground as I stare at the person in front of me who just called out the name Kang. It’s a tall blond guy wearing a leather jacket, looking at someone behind me.
“Dude, Kang, I’ve been looking all over for you,” says the blond guy, shaking his head.
I can’t breathe.
Kang’s voice behind me sets my heart racing. “I was having lunch.”
It’s him, that voice… but it sounds deeper and huskier in person.
“Let’s go.” The blond guy gestures for Kang to follow him.
I feel like everything is happening in slow motion: the guy behind me, owner of Kang’s voice, passes right beside me in a confident stride. I only catch a glimpse of his back and his messy black hair, the same color as the shirt he’s wearing. He’s tall… very tall.
Kang catches up with the blond guy and they move away down the crowded hallway.
People jostle past me, but I don’t move an inch.
I suddenly notice that I’m clutching my chest with one hand as if my life depends on it.
I just saw Kang in person. He just walked right past me.
I can’t believe it. After following his voice for so long, I was one step away from him.
“Wow, you’re completely starstruck.” Perla’s voice startles me. She has one eyebrow raised.
I clear my throat and begin walking, my heart still threatening to burst out of my chest.
“Klara.” Perla follows me as I head out of the building, ready to go home for the day. “Klara, listen. Yes, my mom told me a new girl would be joining my class and suggested I talk to you, but it was never an order. I decided to do it because you really do remind me a lot of myself.”
I purse my lips, taking in her words, and sit down on a wooden bench outside. Perla sits next to me, but I don’t look at her, I simply stare out into the distance.
“Really, Klara, my interest in talking to you is genuine.”
Perla seems sincere. Maybe this was all her mother’s plan, but I don’t want to close myself off to the only person who has spoken to me so far other than the redheaded dude.
“You’re wasting your time with me. I’m very boring,” I tell her.
She smiles. “Nah, I don’t think so. You can’t be—for the third time, you remind me of myself, remember?” She looks at me mischievously. “If you still want the scoop, I can tell you all about the guy who just dazzled you in the hallway.”
“Really?” I squeak a little too excitedly.
“Yeah, what do you want to know?”
I open my mouth and close it again, not quite sure what to ask.
“I didn’t imagine a guy like Erick would be your type.”
I frown and can feel the disappointment taking over me. “Erick?”
“Yeah, that’s his name, the tall blond guy you were staring at in the hallway.”
It dawns on me then that Perla doesn’t realize I was actually interested in the guy Erick was waiting for, the one who walked right past me: Kang.
That must be the same Erick from the radio show I hate, Kang’s friend. I try to remember his face, but I was so shocked by Kang that I hardly noticed him. “I’m not interested in Erick.”
Perla looks confused.
“Then why were you standing in the middle of the hallway staring at him?”
“No, the other guy, the one Erick was talking to.”
The color leaves Perla’s face. “Kang?” Perla’s expression hardens. “Forget about Kang, Klara.”
“Why? What’s wrong with him?”
“You don’t have to listen to me. You can line up behind everyone else in his fan club if you want, but don’t get your hopes up.”
“Fan club?”
Perla sighs. “Of course. He’s good-looking, people love his radio show, and to top it off, he’s the captain of the soccer team. Everyone adores Kang around here.”
That makes sense. “And so I shouldn’t be interested in him? Just because he’s popular? I thought this wasn’t high school? There must be something you’re not telling me.”
She gives me a sad smile. “I’ll tell you the story another time, Klara. I have to get to class.” Perla stands and walks away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
All in all, my first day of college wasn’t too bad. I’m proud of the fact that I was able to sit through an entire class and even eat in the cafeteria. But there’s a couple moments that I know I’ll keep replaying in my mind: Kang’s voice behind me, his back, the dark hair against his black shirt.
I found you, Kang. But I can’t let you find me; not today, not ever .