Chapter 23 Touch Me
EVERY STEP I take is slow and measured as I observe the hallway filled with college students chatting in groups or absorbed by their phones. I wonder if they’re at all aware how lucky they are to be young and healthy, to not have to worry about their health every day.
Fear of death continues to fuel my anxiety, but I’ve reached a point of calm; after everything I’ve been through, I feel that I am able to have a different perspective on life and empathize with others more readily.
Surviving cancer has given me skills that I would never have gained if I’d lived a normal life.
I am Klara, the girl who lost her mother to cancer and couldn’t even mourn her loss because she immediately began fighting her own battle with the disease.
The girl who has suffered from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and low self-esteem.
The girl who smiles to herself now in a crowded hallway because she has won a small battle and is fighting to live life and enjoy it to the best of her abilities.
The mere fact that I was able to leave the house today without going over all the negative things that could happen to me, that I was able to focus on the feeling of the morning breeze on my skin, is an accomplishment.
As I enter the classroom, I freeze in the doorway.
The two guys who are always together, Ben and Adrian, are standing in the corner.
Ben rests his hand on the wall above Adrian’s shoulder, cornering him.
Adrian sees me and goes red. Uh-oh. I consider turning around to give them privacy, but they quickly step apart.
“Hey…” Adrian says, scratching his head. “What’s your name? I can’t remember.”
“Klara,” I say as I walk to my seat.
“Klara, I’m Adrian and this is Ben.”
Ben doesn’t even look at me.
I know; I’ve been cheering them on from afar. They make a cute couple. “Nice to meet you guys.”
Adrian smiles. “We were just messing around.”
I nod.
Emma, the redhead, enters, chewing gum as usual, and behind her Perla appears with dark circles under her eyes. She sits down next to me, sighing. She turns to meet my gaze. “I know, I look like death warmed over.”
“Actually, I was just going to say hi.” I wave with a smile. “Hi, Perla.”
She laughs. “You look…” Perla searches for the word. “Less pale.”
“I feel good today.”
“I’m glad. Any specific reason?”
“No.”
Perla raises an eyebrow. “You are very strange, do you know that, Klara? In a good way.”
“Thank you.”
The classroom quickly fills up and Diego comes in, greeting everyone in his overly loud voice. “Here I am, you don’t have to miss me anymore,” he shouts as he slides across the floor in front of the whole class.
Perla rolls her eyes.
Diego winks at me and I smile. I feel bad for avoiding him for so long. I’m not perfect, but I will try to learn from my mistakes. I plan to apologize for openly ignoring him before. I realize now that I’ve had my guard up because I was afraid people would reject me.
Diego sits down in front of me, and Perla again raises an eyebrow. This is not his usual seat. I know it will be impossible not to engage with him.
Diego turns around in his chair to look at me. “Hoodie.”
“Are you going to call me that forever?” I joke.
He nods. “I told you I like to be original. So, how was your weekend? It must’ve been a good one—you look refreshed, relaxed.”
It’s nice to have people other than Andy or Kamila ask me about my life. “Yeah, it was great. I slept a lot.”
“Would someone mind telling me what I missed?” Perla interrupts. She doesn’t sound angry, just shocked and confused. “Last week you refused to speak to this dude and now you’re telling him about your weekend? Did something happen the day of the storm, after I left?”
You have no idea, Perla .
Diego clears his throat and puts on a serious expression. “The truth, Perla, is that, after you left, Klara declared her burning feelings of unrequited love for me.”
“Diego!” I protest.
Perla laughs. “Yeah, sure, right.”
“You don’t believe me?” Diego gives her a wounded look.
“Nope.”
I smile as I watch them argue jokingly, when I suddenly feel someone watching us and look up to see who it is. It’s the girl with glasses who’s always reading. She seems… sad? She can’t take her eyes off Diego.
Oh, I get it!
I look back at Diego; he’s very handsome. The red hair, freckles, and his charismatic personality and self-confidence attract people to him. I understand why he would be popular with the girls.
Diego pauses his conversation with Perla and looks at me. “What?”
“Nothing, I just like watching you two argue.”
Perla grunts and makes a face. “Well, we should be talking about the presentation. How come I have to be the one presenting from the two of us?” she directs at me.
“You’re the chosen one.” Diego winks at her. “Plus, Klara told me she worked really hard on the PowerPoint. All you have to do is get up there and read it.”
Diego is lying, of course; I never told him such a thing.
“Right, because talking about the high rates of STIs and STDs on campus is so much fun.” Perla rolls her eyes.
“I added pictures,” I say with a smile, grateful that she agreed to present in front of the class. Regardless of how much progress I’ve made, I’m still not quite there yet.
Perla grimaces.
“I hate you, guys. I do.”
After class, Perla and I go into the cafeteria to pass the time before Kamila can pick me up.
I’m not that hungry, so I settle on a small turkey sandwich before we choose a table facing the entrance.
My heart skips a beat when I see Kang enter wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, followed by Erick and a bunch of guys wearing soccer team sweatshirts.
Kang looks so cute laughing at something Erick has said.
How could a guy like him be interested in me? It seems so illogical.
Stop it, Klara. What have we said about thoughts that belittle you? You are worth as much as anyone else . I’m practicing positive thinking.
Kang’s eyes dance over the crowd in the cafeteria, and when they land on me, the whole room seems to fade away and it feels as if it’s just us two, alone, with no one else around.
He smiles and starts walking toward me, but then he sees Perla and stops.
I furrow my brow in confusion as he goes to sit with his teammates.
Okay, that was really weird. What could have happened between these two for them to avoid each other like that?
I hear a text notification and I take a bite of my sandwich, then look at my phone.
Kang: Hey, gorgeous. Can I see you after lunch? I have some time before my next class.
I feel butterflies in my stomach and grin widely.
Me: Yes. Auditorium hallway?
Kang: Is that your favorite hiding place?
Me: Do you have somewhere else in mind?
Kang: No. See you there.
I’ve never eaten so fast in my life, the excitement making my hands so clammy that I have to constantly wipe them on my sweatshirt.
I glance over at Kang and catch him already looking at me.
Our eyes communicate but no one around us has any idea that we know each other and talk all the time on the phone. It’s our secret.
I give Kang a head start to avoid suspicions from Perla, then I leave the cafeteria a few minutes later, feeling nervous as I make my way to the auditorium.
And there’s Kang, leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets.
When he sees me, he pushes himself away from the wall and stands to face me.
Breathe, Klara .
“Hello, Klara with a K.”
“Hello, Batman.”
He smiles. I think the dimples in his cheeks might do me in.
“Again with that?”
I shrug. “I’m not going to leave you alone until you tell me the story behind the mask and let me see you play.”
He purses his lips. “Are you twenty-one all of a sudden?” he asks, pointing out the obvious.
“I will be… soonish.”
“Okay, we’ll just explain that to the doorman when he asks for ID.”
“You’re annoying.”
Kang bites his lower lip and takes a step toward me. “Oh, yeah?”
I swallow and lift my face to look up at him. Having him so close is hard to handle. Did I mention how good Kang smells? It’s soothing, like a mix of gentle laundry detergent and something sweet.
Calm down, Klara, you’re almost salivating .
He reaches toward me cautiously, as if afraid of scaring me away.
With his eyes fixed on mine, he places his hand on my cheek and caresses it with his thumb.
His touch sends shivers through my body, and my knees threaten to give way beneath me.
How can such a simple gesture feel so intimate, so consuming, as if he’s unraveling me with just his fingertips?
How can I have missed you so much when we’ve only met once?
I open my mouth to say something, but just then a group of girls walks by, laughing, and I quickly step back, breaking off all contact.
Kang blushes and clears his throat. “Hey, so, it’s almost time for my next class. If you’re going to be on campus for a while, I could drive you home after.”
Surprisingly, my first thought isn’t about staying on campus longer than I need to. Instead, it’s about how I explain that to Kamila. “Um, let me check with my sister. I’ll text you.”
“Okay.”
We part ways, grinning at each other as we wave goodbye. I’m smiling so hard my face hurts when I open the entrance door and run straight into Diego.
“You might want to look a little less in love, Hoodie,” he says.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Diego smirks, shaking his head, as he continues on his way.
I make an effort to keep my smile in check when I receive Kamila’s response saying she doesn’t mind if I ride home with a friend.
I’m going to be alone with Kang…