Chapter 27 Tell Me
FRIDAY ON CAMPUS the energy is through the roof and everyone is excitedly talking about the men’s soccer team’s upcoming game against their biggest opponent to date.
Though no one seems to be too worried. They’re already making plans for the district finals a few weeks away—who they’re going with, what they’re wearing—even though the tournament hasn’t started and, technically, the soccer team hasn’t qualified, either.
Apparently, it’s more of a social occasion than a sporting event.
For my part, I hide under my hood as I walk quietly toward my class.
Although Diego and the visit to the cemetery did me a lot of good, my mood is still low.
I guess I underestimated how much my encounter with those girls affected me.
Another factor is that I haven’t heard from Kang since I told him I wouldn’t be riding home with him.
I shake my head; I don’t want to think about it.
My goal now is to talk to Perla. There must be some reason she hasn’t shared the details of what happened between her and Kang.
Maybe she’s not ready to open up to me; we’ve only known each other a short time and she might not like me prying into a subject that is obviously very sensitive for her.
I really like Perla and I want to be her friend.
But we’re just getting to know each other, so any awkwardness could end our friendship before it even cements.
I don’t want to lose the only potential female friend I have, but I’m dying to know what happened.
The more time goes by, the more it becomes clear to me that Yana and her friends did not have the best of intentions.
Yana refuses to even look in my direction and the others left me hanging with my hand in the air when I tried to greet them.
So why did they act all friendly with me before?
I have no idea, but ever since Yana created that TikTok account for me, I’ve been getting nasty messages from an anonymous profile.
Yana wouldn’t do something like that, would she?
I sigh, remembering my mother and how she always looked for the light in others. Whoever owns that anonymous account, I truly hope they find the peace they so desperately need.
“People can only appreciate you in the capacity in which they appreciate themselves.” My mother’s wise words guide me yet again.
“When we hurt someone with our words, we feed their darkness. When we make someone smile with nice words, we expand their light.” Feeling hatred in response to mistreatment leads nowhere—I can’t fight darkness with more darkness.
Maybe it’s a naive worldview, but there are too many negative emotions on this planet.
Everyone is a yin and yang, and it’s impossible not to be affected by what’s going on around us.
But I will strive to make a small change, if not in the world, at least in the people around me.
I will always try to leave my little light on in the darkness to guide those who need it.
I sigh, lost in thought, until suddenly, I hear his voice.
Kang.
He’s coming down the hall with three other guys, all wearing soccer team windbreakers, except for Kang, who’s wearing a dark blue shirt and jeans. He’s laughing.
I’d forgotten how handsome he is. I run my hands through my hair, making sure my wig is in place, and I stand to the side, facing them. Should I say hello? Will Yana and the other girls laugh if they see me talking to him?
Be brave, Klara .
I’m still trying to decide what to do when our eyes meet. I smile. Kang simply nods in greeting. I furrow my brow and my smile fades as I watch him walk past like he doesn’t even know me.
Ouch. I feel a tightness in my chest and lean my shoulder against the wall. What was that? He didn’t even say hello. I feel like just another fan right now.
I don’t understand this change in Kang. Was he really that upset because I didn’t ride home with him?
Sighing, I walk into the classroom and sit next to Perla behind Diego.
I pretend to follow their conversation but I have no idea what they’re talking about, so I stare off into space, absorbed in my thoughts.
It hurts.
All through class, as the professor goes on about counseling communication skills, my mind plays the scene on loop: the fleeting glance, the forced, tight-lipped smile.
I don’t want to believe that those girls were right, because it’s too painful, but it now seems like they were telling the truth.
Kang got bored or annoyed with me as a project and now he’s pushed me aside.
When class ends and everyone leaves, I turn to Perla. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure,” she says, smiling. She looks to Diego. “See ya.”
He studies my expression and seems to hesitate for a second, but finally leaves the classroom. Perla and I are alone, but I don’t know where to start.
“What’s wrong?” Perla tosses her wavy hair over her shoulders. “You had your head in the clouds the whole class.”
I fidget with my hands in my lap. This is harder than I thought. “Perla, the truth is that I don’t know how to ask you this. I… I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and we get along so well, I’m terrified of ruining our friendship.”
“It’s about Kang, isn’t it?” She doesn’t seem angry; that’s encouraging.
I nod and she sighs.
“Don’t look so terrified.” She rubs my arm. “I knew I’d have to tell you sooner or later.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, of course you’d want to know. You’re interested in him, aren’t you?”
I nod again.
“Then I think you should hear the whole story. It’s not going to ruin our friendship, Klara. I really like you and a past history with some guy isn’t going to change that. But let’s go—all stories are better over a good latte.”
“From the cafeteria?”
She snorts. “There’s a Starbucks nearby.”
I smile and we make our way across campus. After ordering two nice foamy lattes, we go outside and find a bench on the quad. The day is cloudy, but not too cold. Groups of students sit around, chatting. We silently sip our coffees; I’ve never been a fan of lattes, but this one is delicious.
Perla looks straight ahead, so I can only see her profile, and lets out a long sigh. I give her the time she needs; I don’t want her to feel like I’m pressuring her.
“I grew up in New York until my parents got divorced a couple years ago. In the settlement, my father took the city apartment and my mother got a nice sum of money—enough to buy a huge house here close to family.” She pauses for a moment.
“But before we moved, they went through the whole divorce process, the fighting. I took refuge in food and put on a lot of weight in a short time. My mother was worried, but food was the only thing that calmed my anxiety. My last year of high school was hell.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Well, the thing is, by the time we moved here, I was extremely overweight and I was terrified because I had to start college. I was afraid people would shun me or even make fun of me. So I completely shut down. Everyone was in their own world, no one spoke to me, no one knew my name. I had no friends, and my lonely lunches by the garbage cans became routine.”
My heart contracts at the thought.
A sad frown forms on Perla’s lips. “Those were hard times; I’m not going to lie.
I didn’t feel like I belonged. I felt invisible and so lonely.
But then I started listening to Kang’s radio show and I remember thinking he seemed so nice.
And he was. I sent messages to the show until one day he wrote back to me through their Instagram account. ”
I feel a sharp pain in my chest at this revelation.
Me: Is this something you do with all the fans of your show?
Kang: No, only with you.
Was that a lie?
“Shortly after, we began texting every day, and, when we finally met, I was ecstatic. I don’t have words to explain how much Kang helped me to regain my self-esteem and confidence; he restored me to the outgoing, cheerful girl I had been when I lived in New York.
I realized that I didn’t need to be thin to be me, that my appearance has nothing to do with who I am as a person.
I did my part, of course, but he gave me the push I needed to find my inner strength.
Thanks to him, I started meeting other people and made my first friends. ”
I listen politely but, inside, my heart is breaking as I realize I was nothing special, that Kang has done the same thing with other girls.
“Anyway, as you know, Kang is very attractive, and he has a magnetic personality. Like a fool, I fell in love with him. I was crazy about him. Our friendship remained the same for a while, until I decided to confess my feelings.” A wounded expression crosses Perla’s face.
“Kang didn’t feel the same way. He was very kind, but his rejection hurt like you can’t imagine.
He told me that he understood the pain of unreciprocated love because he himself was in love with a person he couldn’t be with—that his heart belonged to someone else, and that, although this girl didn’t feel the same way about him, he still loved her and that’s why he wasn’t dating anyone and didn’t plan to. ”
I remember Kang’s words on the show a while back: “I have to admit that I haven’t been entirely honest with you, folks. The other day I told you that I’d never been in love, but that’s not true. My first love was an unrequited love.”
“I told him that we couldn’t be friends anymore and asked him not to talk to me because I needed space in order to get over him.
He said he understood, and he’s respected my request. I finished out my freshman year of college heartbroken, and it took me the entire summer to get over it, but when I started this semester, I no longer felt anything for Kang.
I wouldn’t dare try to strike a friendship back up with him, though. So here we are.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I think I just expected to be treated badly, so when someone was actually nice—when someone showed kindness and understanding—I assumed it was love. As if that’s the only thing that could justify him being nice. It’s sad, I know.”
“You really don’t have feelings for him anymore?”
Perla lets out a slight chuckle and rests her hand on my arm, as if sensing she needs to placate my uncontrollable thoughts.
“No, I feel grateful for him. I have nothing against Kang. It wasn’t his fault that I fell in love with him and I have to accept that he couldn’t reciprocate.
The only reason I warned you to stay away from him was because you reminded me of myself back then and I worried the same thing might happen to you.
I didn’t want you to get hurt, but it was wrong of me; you’re a different person, and I shouldn’t have said anything, since I don’t know the nature of your relationship with him.
Besides, that was so long ago—who knows if he still feels the same way about that girl? Anyway, that’s my story.”
“I understand, don’t worry.” I take Perla’s hand and squeeze it gently. “Thank you for telling me; you didn’t have to, but you did anyway, so thank you.”
She squeezes my hand back. “I needed to explain so we could start our journey as friends off on the right foot.”
I smile and stand up. I take a sip of my latte, which gives me a feeling of warmth all over.
Perla heads to her next class, and I head to the parking lot to wait for Kamila, unable to stop thinking about what she’s told me.
My heart hurts and the cracks in it seem to be getting bigger by the minute.
“I sent messages to the show until one day he wrote back to me.”
“We began texting every day, and, when we finally met, I was ecstatic.”
I don’t want to believe it, because it’s too painful; Perla experienced exactly the same thing with Kang.
I hear someone clear their throat, bringing me back to reality. Out of the corner of my eye I see a figure at the end of the sidewalk. I turn and I find Kang standing there, his backpack slung over one shoulder, his expression neutral.
My heart twists inside my chest. It hurts to see him, now that I’m certain he doesn’t feel the same way I do.
It’s a completely different dynamic, like I’m just another follower, nothing special to him.
We start walking toward each other, getting closer and closer.
I clench my fists at my sides. For a second, I’m afraid he’ll just walk right past me, like he did this morning.
But no, he stops in front of me. His black eyes meet mine and a faint smile forms on his lips.
“Hello, Klara with a K.” He sounds so casual, as if it doesn’t bother him that we haven’t spoken for days. I’m such a fool.
“Oh, so, you’re willing to talk to me now that there’s no one around?” I ask. Maybe I’m just another Perla to him, but I have to be honest about my feelings: I was hurt earlier when he was so cold to me.
He scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry, I was having a rough morning. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
“No big deal,” I say as I turn around and start walking away from him. I don’t need to be at campus anymore, nor do I want to be.
Kang walks beside me. “Hey, hey, wait. I’m really sorry, truly. I have something to make it up to you.” He hands me three tickets for tonight’s game. “It’ll do you good to get out and have some fun. You can bring your friends.”
Perla’s words swirl in my mind. “He gave me the push I needed to find my inner strength. Thanks to him, I started meeting other people and made my first friends.” Now I understand: He’s not inviting me to watch him play.
He wants me to go with my friends and have fun.
My story and Perla’s are becoming more and more alike, and it hurts.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
I study the serene expression on his handsome face.
I like you so much, Kang. You were the first person to make me feel again after a long period of emotional emptiness. I’m so sorry I mistook your kindness for love, but it’s hard not to when your crush offers you a little attention .
I feel a lump in my throat and I look down at the tickets. “Thank you, I’ll invite my friends.”
“Great.” Kang steps in front of me and walks backward to continue talking while looking at me. “Will you cheer for me when I get out on the field?”
I feign a smile. “Of course.”
“Great. I have to go,” he says. “See you later, Klara with a K.”
“See you later, Kang.”
I watch him turn around and walk away until he disappears inside a building. I curse my eyes for filling with tears.
So this is what it feels like? I’ve read so many stories about love and heartbreak, but for the first time in my life I feel the pain firsthand.
The pain of a broken heart.