Chapter 31 Accept Me
THERE ARE MOMENTS in life that can only be described as perfect. It may be something so simple that proves that the beauty of life is in the little things.
Happiness is not a perpetual state; it is a collection of fleeting, perfect moments.
Tonight has been a coalescence of many accomplishments: the game with friends in a packed stadium, getting through a panic attack on my own, arriving at a party with friends, and this embrace—my head against Kang’s chest, his heart beating in my ear, my arms around his waist, his face nestled against my neck—is the perfect culmination.
When I try to pull away, Kang hugs me tighter.
“Just a little longer,” he whispers, and his breath tickles the side of my head.
I grin hugely and close my eyes. But, as always, these little moments of happiness are brief. The balcony doors screech open and we pull apart so quickly that I almost stumble forward. Kang scratches the back of his neck and I pretend to cough.
“Kang!” Yana steps onto the balcony. “I thought you said you weren’t coming?”
He gives her a friendly smile. “I changed my mind.”
She turns her back to me as if I’m not even there. “What are you doing out here? You should come inside. The beer pong tournament is about to start.”
Kang takes my hand and pulls me to his side. “I’m enjoying the view out here with Klara. Do you know her?”
“Yeah, of course.” Yana fakes a smile. “How are you?”
“Hey,” I mumble.
Kang frowns, still watching me. Yana smacks her lips. “So, are you coming, Kang?”
“No.”
The disappointment on her face is evident. “It’s snowing, you must be freezing.” She rubs his arms in an attempt to warm him, but he takes a step back. Yana’s hands hang in the air before she lowers them, laughing. “I guess you’re not cold… Well, Klara…” She takes my arm.
I jump. “What?”
“You should come with me,” she says, tugging at my elbow. I take a step toward her, unable to refuse. “So you can meet everyone.”
I don’t know how to respond.
“I’ll just steal her from you for a second, Kang,” Yana says, smiling and squeezing my hand so hard it hurts.
I turn back to glance at Kang. He looks so sad standing there against the railing, like he doesn’t want me to leave. But, like a puppet, I walk back into the house with Yana, who pulls me along as if I were a little girl, her nails digging into the palm of my hand.
“Everything all right?” a familiar voice asks. I look up to see another one of my classmates: Adrian, who it turns out is also on the soccer team.
“None of your business,” says Yana with a tone of disgust.
“I wasn’t asking you.” He looks at me. “Are you all right, Klara?”
Yana steps in between us, annoyed. “It’s none of your business, faggot.”
My mouth falls open in shock and so does Adrian’s, but he recovers quickly. “What did you call me?”
Yana rolls her eyes. “You heard me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Adrian, get out of my way if you don’t want me to tell all your buddies on the soccer team who you really are.”
Adrian drops his head and my heart breaks. But Yana isn’t finished with him. “I’m glad you know your place; your kind are usually so obnoxious.”
She tugs at my arm and Adrian steps aside, dumbfounded. So this is what Yana does. She manipulates people’s fears to get her way.
Something inside me snaps, the image of Adrian’s wounded expression stuck in my mind. I look down at my hand entwined with Yana’s.
Don’t let fear of death stop you from living life .
For some reason the words on Dario’s tombstone suddenly come to me.
Fear has been a constant in my life; it has bested me so many times, but I have gotten up, dusted myself off, and carried on.
And thanks to so many moments of vulnerability, so many defeats, so many triumphs over fear, I have a newfound understanding of what my own strength is and how much more it could one day be.
What better moment than the present to put that strength to the test.
I press my lips together and I pull my arm away from her.
Yana turns to me. “What are you doing? Come on, Klara,” she says.
The image of my mother’s smiling face fills my mind and I feel her gentle caress on my cheek, giving me the courage I need. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
Yana is shocked and speechless, but she eventually recovers. “Oh, don’t act all brave now,” she hisses. “You know, I did some digging, asked around. It would be so easy for me to go downstairs right now and tell everyone at this party your pathetic story.”
Adrian is still behind me, watching us.
“Do it.”
Again, she’s momentarily speechless. “What?”
“Do it. Go tell everyone my story if you want to. I’m not ashamed,” I say, and either because of the adrenaline or how fed up I am in this moment, that’s true.
“I’m just like everybody else. The only difference is that my wounds are visible, while most people’s are hidden.
I’m not afraid of you, Yana, and that strips you of any power you may have had over me. ”
“You are so going to regret this.”
“I don’t think so. I may be thin, I may not have long, lavish hair, I may be fragile and weak, but I’ve overcome things much worse than anything you could possibly do to me,” I say, turning my back on her.
Yana scoffs and storms down the staircase, back toward the party.
I stop beside Adrian and smile. “I’ve been secretly hoping you and Ben were an item—you look really cute together.”
Adrian looks down nervously, avoiding eye contact with me.
I put my hand on his shoulder. “Take your time, but when you’re ready to be yourself openly, for the world—or at least Durham—to see, I’m sure you’ll have a lot of people cheering you on, including myself.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Adrian.
Who you are, who you like, what you’ve been through, is never anything to be ashamed of. ”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“You got this.”
I’m about to walk away when he pulls me into a big hug. “Thank you, Klara.”
I squeeze him tightly and, as he returns to the party, I walk back to the balcony—back to the guy who, more than being my crush, has been my friend.
I can’t repress the huge smile on my face.
Now that I’ve put Yana in her place, my fear of her, her clique, and that anonymous account has completely vanished.
Every defeat is a step toward victory .
You’re always right, Mom, even in death.