Chapter 40 Hold My Hand
THERE ARE BATTLES we can face alone—that we must face alone, in fact. But there are others in which help and support are essential. When you need someone to hold your hand, for example, as you walk into college without your wig, exposing your short hair to the world for the first time.
I slow down and squeeze my friends’ hands. I glance over to see Diego on one side smiling encouragingly and Perla on the other, eyebrows raised in an expression that says “ You got this, babe .” They each return a firm squeeze and I continue on.
It seems to take forever, until finally, we reach our classroom. Everyone has already taken their seats and their gazes linger on me for a few seconds, but then it’s all business as usual, and I am grateful for that. I turn around to hug my friends. “Thank you.”
Diego playfully taps my head with his index finger.
“Thank you?” He shakes his head. “Um, I only accept payment in ice cream.”
“I’ll settle for a coffee,” Perla says, winking. “It’s a date.”
I smile. “Deal.”
I can’t believe I’ve been going to college for close to three months now.
Every day college becomes more bearable.
I have to admit that there are days when the fear comes knocking on my door and shakes up my day, but I’ve been able to handle it.
The urge to flee desperately back home comes less and less often.
With my mantra and breathing exercises, I’m able to control the urge to burst into tears or run away.
Of course, there are days when I feel like I can’t take it anymore, and then I allow myself to go home early or ask to speak to Ms. Romes.
I’ve picked my battles, and I think that has helped me stay the course.
After class everyone stands and begins chatting.
Finals are around the corner, and we’re gearing up for winter break.
With class out, there will be more parties; everyone is excited to sleep in, to forget about college for a while.
I, however, don’t want to leave. I’ve just arrived.
I’m still getting used to everything and I’m terrified that, after being stuck at home, I might have trouble getting back out again.
I guess some fears will stick with me no matter how much time passes.
But it’s not only that; Christmas is a challenging holiday for me.
It was always the time of year that my mother spent hours in the kitchen preparing delicious meals, and I have so many memories of exchanging gifts, singing and laughing together.
It’s the time of year when you’re supposed to be happy, but it just makes me melancholy and sad.
“Klara?” Ellie waves her hand in front of my face. “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?”
“Huh?”
“Do you have plans after class?”
“Of course she has plans!” Perla says before I can answer. “She’s having a coffee with me.”
“I guess a deal’s a deal…” I say with a shrug.
“Excellent,” Ellie says and sits down next to me while Perla walks over to join Diego, who’s speaking with Adrian and Ben.
“Klara, I have to tell you something.”
“Tell me everything.”
Ellie carefully adjusts her glasses and bites her lip, glancing around. “Diego asked me out,” she whispers.
“What?!” I shout, causing several people to look in our direction.
I laugh nervously and Ellie turns red. “Sorry, sorry,” I say.
“That was unexpected.” Everyone goes back to their conversations as I repress a squeal, feeling as excited as when the stars of the Korean dramas I watch finally realize their feelings for each other and kiss.
“I’m so happy for you,” I tell her from the bottom of my heart.
I know it means a lot to her to have been able to talk to Diego after all the time she spent watching him from afar, never getting up the nerve to approach him.
“I still can’t believe it,” she says. “We were playing online, I was kicking his butt, and we were joking around like always when all of a sudden, he asked me if I’d like to go out with him.
I thought my headphones might be playing tricks on me at first and I had to make him say it again.
Of course, I said yes! So tomorrow we’re going to the movies! ”
“How romantic!” I clasp my hands together and press them against my mouth. “I want to hear everything after. Well, maybe not everything, but as much as you’re comfortable sharing.”
“Everything, of course. I know you made this happen.”
Perla high-fives us before dragging us both for coffee and girl chat.
After lunch, as we make our way toward the exit, we hear a great commotion of voices and soon see a group of guys moving toward us, led by Kang. They all pass us, except Kang, who stops in front of me.
“Hey.”
I bite my lip. “Hey.”
Diego, Ellie, and Perla exchange glances.
“We’ll see you at Starbucks,” Perla says.
I nod, keeping my eyes on the guy who whips up a whirlwind of emotions in me.
Kang smiles and runs his fingers through my curls. “You’re so beautiful—I’m a lucky guy.”
I blush. I can feel people’s eyes on us as they pass and it makes me uncomfortable, so I try to stay focused on Kang. “How was your day?”
He shrugs. “Just another day. I’m not excited about winter break, for, like, the first time ever.”
Me neither.
“Oh, yeah, why’s that?”
“Because I won’t get to see you every other day.”
Kang reaches out and takes my hand. I squeeze his nervously as we look into each other’s eyes. I hear people whispering behind us, but I try not to let it affect me.
“Klara Rodríguez, I’m so glad I bumped into you.” Ms. Romes’s secretary approaches me. “Ms. Romes was looking for you—you’re needed in the counselor’s office.”
I feel a tightness in my chest and I drop Kang’s hand, taking a step back.
“Klara?” he asks with a frown.
An unpleasant feeling travels from my throat to the pit of my stomach as I walk away without a word to Kang.
Everything around me becomes blurry and confused.
I hear Kang behind me. It’s a struggle to walk, like I’m dragging heavy stones tied to my heels.
As I move down the corridor, I notice my breathing is shallow and I clench my hands into fists at my sides.
A memory echoes in my mind. “Klara Rodríguez, to the office urgently.”
The last time a counselor summoned me to their office was in high school, when my mother had to be taken to the emergency room after one of her chemo treatments.
The side effects had made her so ill that we’d almost lost her that afternoon.
I still remember the look on the principal’s face when she told me to sit down and try to get ahold of myself while we waited for Kamila to pick me up and take me to the hospital to see Mom.
The hallway now seems too narrow and voices sound far away, as if sounds can’t reach me over my racing heartbeat, which I can feel in my ears, in my chest, in my limbs.
“Klara, sit down. It’s about your mother.”
Near the end of the hallway, I stop and lean against the wall, holding my chest.
I can’t breathe .
Yes, you can.
Come on, Klara .
“Are you all right?” someone asks, but all I see is a blurry figure. At some point, my eyes have filled with tears. “Klara, can you hear me?”
No.
Hands take my shoulders, but I brusquely push them off. “Leave me alone!” I shout, and my gaze clears to reveal Kang with a hurt expression. I shake my head; I don’t know what to say. “Leave me alone…”
I don’t want him to see me like this; I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
My heart is beating out of my chest and I can feel the fear coursing through my veins straight to my mind, convincing me that I’m going to die in the next few minutes.
And then comes the numbing sensation, because I’m breathing so fast that my lungs don’t have time to get the oxygen they need… I’m hyperventilating.
As I make my way down the hall, Ms. Romes comes rushing toward me. I guess someone told her what was happening. “Klara!” She puts a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, hey, you’re all right, you’re all right, come on.” She guides me into her office—a corner of calm, as she calls it.
“I need to go to the hospital. I feel… bad…” I say in a hoarse voice. “I can’t breathe… The…” I look for my phone. “The nearest hospital is ten minutes away. Please, I need a doctor.”
“You’re going to be okay, you’re going to be fine… Let’s breathe together.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can, you’ve done it before.”
“No, the hospital…”
“Come on, Klara, we can get through this.” Ms. Romes puts an arm around me.
“Come on, you’re safe, let’s breathe together,” she whispers, using her slow breaths as an example.
“Come on. One… That’s it, slowly… You’re hyperventilating, that’s why you feel like this.
But you’re fine. Remember your mantra, come on. ”
“I am calm”—inhale—“I am safe”—exhale—“I am protected.”
“Again.”
“I can’t.”
“You’re doing great, Klara, come on.”
“I am calm. I am safe. I am protected…” I repeat, slowly inhaling and then letting the air out. I take another slow breath, still aware of the tingling in my limbs. I’m trembling, my muscles tense, my heart pounding.
“That’s it, that’s it, Klara, come on, keep breathing just like that,” says Ms. Romes, rubbing my arms gently. “Breathe… One… two… Let it out, come on.”
The tingling sensation stops and, little by little, I am able to calm down while continuing to breathe deeply. And then comes the crying. I begin to sob uncontrollably right there in Ms. Romes’s office.
“That’s it, it’s all over now, Klara. You did so well.”
She pats my head and I cling to her arm, unable to stop crying. “I was so scared.”
“I know, I know, but you handled it well.”
“No, no… I lost control this time… it’s gonna keep happening, I can’t live like this…”
Ms. Romes leans back and places a hand on each of my shoulders, her face level with mine. “Look at me,” she says firmly. “You’re a champ; I’m so proud of you.”
“You’re my champion, baby.” My mother’s voice echoes in my mind.
Ms. Romes silently allows me to sob for a moment and then offers me a box of tissues and some water.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened.”
“Don’t apologize, Klara. I’m glad I could help you through it. I’ll always be here if you need me.”
“I wouldn’t have been able to get through this panic attack on my own. It was very… intense. I thought I could control everything on my own, but this is the second time in a month. I keep thinking I’m having victories. I’m so deluded!”
“Don’t say that. Remember that panic attacks are not something you can control, but you can learn to manage them with the tools that work for you. And you’re doing exactly that. You’re doing great.”
“ Great is not the adjective I would use.”
“Then how about wonderfully ?” Her smile is so genuine that I can’t help but smile back. “Do you know what the trigger was? The people in the hallway? The noise? Or maybe there wasn’t even a trigger, that can happen.”
“I think it was the secretary, when she let me know you’d been looking for me.”
“Why?”
“The last time I was called to an office, in high school, my mother had been hospitalized.” I’m surprised I’m able to say this out loud without my voice cracking.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. We’ll find a different way to contact you, okay? We don’t need reminders of sad moments.”
“Thank you.” I stand up but then remember that I still don’t know why she called me here. “What did you need?”
Ms. Romes shakes her head. “It’s nothing. I just wanted to talk to you about scheduling.”
“Oh.”
“I was wondering why you haven’t enrolled in any art classes for next semester, Klara?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you, but you won an award a few years back for your paintings, right? You must be very talented.”
“I don’t know how to explain it… Painting was so much a part of me, so connected to my emotions and identity.
And now… I have no idea who I am. I’m terrified to stand in front of a canvas and see what I might paint, given my current state of mind.
My paintings have always been so colorful, so vivid, so uplifting.
I can’t imagine what they’d look like now.
I think that, for the time being, I’d rather not. ”
“I get it. You don’t feel you’ll be able to enjoy it, to truly feel it. But don’t you miss painting?”
“Every second of my life.”
“Let’s go.”
“Uh, what?”
“Let’s go paint.”
“Ms. Romes, I can’t, not now. I’ve had enough for today.”
“Okay, I understand. Take as much time as you need.”
She smiles one last time and leaves her office.
Now alone, I picture Kang’s pained face.
I’m not ready to see him and I might run into him in the hallway, but I go out anyway, heading first to the bathroom to wash my face.
I feel unbelievably low from this panic attack, my spirits at rock bottom.
It’s almost as if I take one step forward, getting my hopes up, only to take two steps back.
I go into one of the stalls and lower the lid so I can sit. I want to do some more breathing exercises, but I can’t stop seeing Kang’s hurt expression when I pushed him away from me.
I feel exhausted and devastated, because I know what I have to do.
I recall the conversation I had with Kang about the amusement park, how excited he was and how I couldn’t share in that feeling because of my fears.
And now I’ve just pushed him away, literally.
My mind is a whirlwind of negative thoughts, made worse by what happened today.
What am I doing? I don’t want to hurt Kang, but I’m beginning to see that, with me beside him, he’ll only be subjected to more scenes like the one today. I have nothing to offer him and will only hold him back.