18. “Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they’re too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what the
Chapter 18
“Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they’re too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It’s not. It’s deafening... .” — Buffy Summers to Johnathan
Austin
A ustin
Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! was all my internal monologue could manage as the lights of the stage glared brightly onto the stage, almost blinding me to the packed house we had in on opening night. The audience was a cacophony of deafening applause, feet stamping, woops and yells and an indistinct, almost negative outline that I could just about make out just past the brightness of the spotlights.
I heard the stage manager over the speakers call the names of the three leads: Christine Frank, Teddy Petrov and Lisa Post. My stomach clenched slightly as I watched Teddy take his place between the girls on the stage, their hands joined as they took a bow for their adoring audience and fans. The crowd went wild as Teddy placed a chaste kiss on the cheek of Christine, before turning to dip Lisa into a dramatic swooping kiss, calling back to an earlier plot point in the play. It had its desired effect as the noise ratched up to levels that I feared might permanently damage my eardrums, or at least the structural integrity of the old theatre.
I allowed the melancholy thoughts of what could have been wash over me for just a moment before my eye drifted to the front row where the cast’s loved ones had been allowed to take residence for the opening night. I saw the look of love and pride on Dylan’s face as a single tear tracked down his face. I had to stop myself as I realized that all I would need to do was walk to the edge of the stage and lean over, and I could wipe it away. He mouthed that he was proud of me and my heart filled.
I was a hundred percent lost in his eyes to the point that I almost missed the announcer calling my name. Dylan laughed and made a shooing gesture with his hands. The crowd erupted into more applause as I blew a kiss to the man I love before walking to the edge of the stage and taking a bow.
The weeks of rehearsal, late nights and headaches from the screaming of the stage manager faded almost insignificantly into the background as I stood at the edge of the stage and took my second bow. This was it. This was what all the years of study, the countless auditions, call backs and rejections had been for. This moment. Standing in the spotlight at the end of a stage being lauded for something you loved.
The encore passed in a blur as we all took our places on the stage, our hands linked as we took our final bow as the curtain fell. The heavy safety curtain settled into place and the band struck up the closing music once more. Lisa turned to me and jumped into my arms.
“How fucking amazing was that, you little beauty!” Her American stage accent dropped, and her thick Northern English accent came into full effect. “I could see me mam’s eyes pouring. She is gonna need like five vodkas before the night is over.” She rubbed her chin contemplatively.
“I think that goes for all of us.” I smiled, my hand affectionately rubbing her back.
“I see your man down in front row While I wait in wings.” Teddy slapped my arm. “During scene in car on the way to cabin, he was mouthing along your lines with you.”
“No way!” I barked out a laugh. I’d gone over my lines so many times with him that I was pretty sure he could play every part in the show perfectly. I had been cranky a lot over the past few weeks running up to tonight’s performance. Anxiety and self-doubt warred within me as I’d watched the leads of the show give award-winning performances. I’d tried to fight off wave after wave of imposter syndrome as I’d taken to the board and the spotlight had shined upon me. There had been times that I’d watched Teddy in scenes that could have been mine. Could have? No, should have been mine, if not for the short-sightedness of the casting director and production. I had at times taken that frustration home and sometimes consciously started arguments with Dylan. It had taken me some time to realize there was still some subconscious resentment, that in a way I was holding him responsible for me not getting the role that I deserved. I’d kicked myself over and over as I’d eventually realized that the only thing that Dylan was guilty of was loving me.
There was still something I just couldn’t shake, and I prayed it would pass.
“Is your boy coming with us to the cast party?” Christine called over her shoulder as she pulled the heavy duffle she was wearing over her head, hanging it on a rack just off to the side.
“My boyfriend is coming to the cast party, yes,” I laughed.
“Good, it will give me someone to talk to.” She shrugged. “I hate talking to actors. Vapid airheads, the lot of them.”
This bitch? Lisa mouthed, pointing her thumb over her shoulder.
“You know you’re also actor, yes?” Teddy’s thick Russian accent, deep and baritone, reverberated around the room.
“I’m paying my dues until I can get enough of a profile to direct.” Christine’s nose lifted as if she was trying not to breathe the same air as us. Her attitude had changed so much, from the sweet ingénue I’d first met on casting day to this stage diva without any of the clout to back up the entitled attitude. The casting director had nudged me one day during rehearsals and told me that it was normal and that eventually it would pass… or it wouldn’t and she would likely get blackballed.
“So shall we go get changed and meet our adoring fans?” Lisa squealed, jumping on the balls of her feet and clapping her hands together.
I made my way backstage towards the dressing room that I shared with Teddy. I knew I had a good fifteen minutes by myself in there, since he was dicking down one of the stagehands, Kirsty, and performing made him хочу трахаться which I figured was Russian for wanting to fuck or something of that ilk.
I’d barely it through the door of the large white walled dressing room when a strangled moan sounded directly behind me, strong hands pushing me quickly towards the red leather couch on the far side of the room. I craned my neck to see Dylan kicking the door shut behind him and flicking the bolt closed.
I sank down slowly, unbuttoning my shirt as I went. “How did you get back here?” Biting my bottom lip, I peeled the shirt down my forearms before tossing it towards him.
His eyes were ablaze with desire and impatience. “No time for all that,” he smirked, prowling towards me. “Seeing you up there on that stage all hot and… well, hot, made me all… hot.”
“So I can see,” I chuckled. His breath skimmed across my own before his lips caressed mine gently.
“This is gonna have to be quick and dirty,” he mumbled, biting savagely on my bottom lip before soothing the sting with his tongue.
“What will?”
“This.” His eyes never breaking from my own, he reached down and unbuttoned his dark grey dress slacks and pulled out the tails of white collared shirt tucked inside. Pushing past me, Dylan moved to the edge of the sofa, resting his elbow on the arm, pushing his pert ass out towards me. “Better be quick.”
“Dylan we can’t…”
“We can and you will, now get inside me,” he purred.
I snuck one last cursory glance at the door before taking two strides and ripping down Dylan’s slacks and underwear at once. I looked down, confused for a moment by what I saw. Slowly realization dawned on me, my mouth began to open until I stood there slack-jawed.
“You need an invitation?” The little minx had the nerve to chuckle and my dick grew impossibly tight in my trousers. “I thought this would have been invitation enough.” He reached back and pulled slightly on what looked to be a thick black rubber plug in his hole.
“When did you… I mean when would you…” I stuttered.
“Both excellent questions,” he moaned as he pushed the plug firmly back inside himself. “I got very horny watching you and that girl in the first act and snuck off to the bathroom to play with myself for a bit, imagining you were playing with me instead of her. Have we talked enough?” He groaned into his arm.
There had definitely been enough talking. I ran my hand from the back of his neck, down the muscle either side of his spine to his round delectable ass. A full body shiver overtook him as I hooked my fingers underneath the base of the plug, moving it around inside his hole, pushing and tugging against his prostate the best I could. It had the desired effect of making him push back against my hand and cry for more attention.
My cock throbbed and leaked in my underwear so much so that I was pretty sure I would be going commando for the rest of the evening.
“Please baby, will you put your cock in me?” Dylan pressed his face into the arm of the sofa, and he rubbed his cheek along the material like a frustrated kitten.
“Anything for you.” Getting a firm grip of the plug, I began to pull it from his body. The puckered skin of his tight hole stretched around the girth of the plug as it began to slip from him. His muscles contracted around the black rubber material, his voice a keening whine at the loss of the hefty toy.
“Austin…” he growled as I watched his hole remain wide open for a few seconds, the rim quivering around a phantom toy that was no longer there. Not wanting to keep him waiting anymore I stood quickly, shoving down my clothes until my cock bobbed free and heavy on front of me. A single stream of precum spilled from the slit of my cock, falling into the groove of his butt.
I didn’t have any lube on me, and I was pretty sure if I asked Dylan where his was I would only get a series of grunts and whines as a response given that he was currently pushing his whole body back against me, his asshole seeking out my cock. Spitting into my hand, I rubbed the saliva along the length of my prick and brought it to his hole. Luckily he had needed to use a lot of lube to get that thick plug into him, so he was primed and ready.
Grabbing hold of each hip in my hands, I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “Ready?”
“Urghhh!” he yelled a second before I slammed my cock all the way home. Dylan’s back straightened as I watched his mouth open in a silent gasp. His whole body lifted from the sofa, his hands scrabbling for purchase as I filled him hard and deep. “Oh fuck, Austin! Fuck!”
Wrapping an arm around his waist, I pulled his back against my chest before pistoning my hips as fast and hard as I could. This was not so much about me getting to cum inside him, but more about making him realize who his hole belonged to, and by the way he was moaning my name and pulling at his own engorged cock I felt I was quite literally driving the message home.
“Keep going. Oh my fuck, keep going. You’re gonna make me cum Austin, oh fuck make me cum!” He turned his neck, his mouth seeking out my own. Giving him what we both needed, I let our mouths meet in a fiery clash of lips, teeth, and tongue.
“I’m gonna fill you up, Dylan,” I growled, the familiar tingling in my balls letting me know that it was about to be a wrap on this sex scene we were currently acting out. I slammed into him, once, twice and three times before I felt his hole clamp down on my dick.
“Oh shit!” he shouted as rope after rope of thick white cum spurted from his cock, painting the back of the sofa. It was all I needed to see, my own orgasm roaring through me, my balls pumping load after load into him. I looked down in awe as cum spilled from around my cock and down his legs.
“Fuck, baby,” was all I managed as I maneuvered us onto the couch, him sitting on my lap with my dick still buried inside him.
“You have both spent your loads, yes?” a deep Russian voice boomed from the other side of the door.
“Jesus fuck!” Dylan yelled, pulling off me, another torrent of cum spewing from his used hole onto the floor below.
It was a quick mad dash around the room, pulling on clothes and using my already precum-soaked underwear to clean up the mess the best we could before letting a very satisfied-looking Russian into the shared dressing room.
“I’m so sorry Teddy,” Dylan said meekly behind his hands which were covering his face.
“Why are you sorry?” Teddy’s eyebrows scrunched up together. “I do same thing. Stagehand down the hall with very similar satisfied face as you had when I come into room.”
Dylan’s wide stare caught mine over his shoulder. Laughing, I clapped him on the back and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. “Listen, why don’t you go to the theatre bar and grab a drink. I’ll be there in a few minutes and we can go on to the after party.”
An hour later we were making our way down the block towards the subway. I had not taken into account the fans that would wait outside the stage door for autographs and pictures. I was on what I thought may have been millionth selfie when the stage door opened again behind me, and a very put-together Teddy stepped out into a flurry of press, flashing bulbs and screaming fans wanting to stand next to the lead of the play. I smiled at him wistfully for a moment, watching as the attention immediately left me and focused on the star of the show. I slipped between the ropes and into the embrace of my ever-present and patient boyfriend who had stood at the back of the crowds waiting for me to finish.
“Are you okay?” A small smile was playing on his lips, but the concern in his eyes was evident.
I looked up into the murky New York sky. A heavy layer of cloud covered the city, giving an almost green glow above the tall skyscrapers, promising storms later in the evening. The cool winds of the coming weather fronts contrasted with the hot currents blown up from the sewer steam grates and subway system below the city streets. I turned my head to look at Teddy, still caught in the fans’ snare, signing autographs and posing for what might turn out to be endless selfies, and smiled.
“I’m good.” I wrapped my arm around Dylan’s shoulders and led us toward the subway.
The small warehouse space in the meat packing district served as the venue for the opening night after party. While these things technically were a chance for all the cast and crew to get together to celebrate opening night and wait for the first reviews to roll in, it tended to be more of an excuse for the production team to mingle with journalists, critics and A-list celebrities who might be persuaded to perform a run in that next production that all directors had up their sleeves.
I gave my name to the nice lady with the severe makeup at the door, who nodded for the bouncer to let us pass. I wasn’t sure whether she had returned the smile I sent her way as her makeup was caked on so thick that it may have prevented her from noticeably smiling.
“Here he is!” a voice boomed over the sound system. I looked to my right. In a small DJ booth was the Director Mitchell, with Marge, his second-in-command. His Evil Lynn to his Skeletor, if you will. “Everyone put their hands together for our very own Austin Ridge!”
The small crowd, seemingly annoyed by the interruption to their drinking, groaned somewhat of a greeting before turning back to their designer cocktails.
“Oh and his boyfriend,” Marge’s voice followed up, “well… how fun.” The last was more of a question for the room than a statement. Dylan’s hand clenched in mine, not so much grasping mine, but more curling his own into a fist. I worked my fingers between his own and gave his hand what I hoped was a reassuring squeeze before leaning over to place a peck on his cheek. I understood it must have been hard for him with me in the spotlight, him trailing behind me sometimes literally in my shadow.
“There are so many people,” Dylan whispered, his eyes darting around the room like a proverbial deer in the headlights. I cast my gaze across the room and figured I must just be used to the hustle and bustle of the city and the cacophony of voices that carried over the expansive atrium and theatre. It didn’t seem overly crowded to me, but then again I figured that since Dylan had previously spent the majority of his day working in a small coffee shop, this must be somewhat overwhelming.
Things had been quite different for us lately. We hadn’t been able to spend a lot of time together, since the production had taken up a lot of my time. Dylan had also started his new role as a writer’s assistant, which brought him into the city every day. From what I could gather he had been assigned to the main writers’ room, and was acting as an assistant for four main writers of a sitcom involving two sets of neighbors who shared a floor in a New York City apartment block and tended to be at war with each other with any hijinks the writers could come up for that week’s show.
I was happy for Dylan, but I’d decided against speaking openly about my feelings on the show and how lowbrow I thought it was compared to what I was doing, and what I knew for a fact that Dylan could be doing. He loved his role and the people he worked with, so I kept my mouth shut.
“You don’t have to worry babe.” I squeezed his hand gently once more. “You’re with me tonight, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
A sort of calm acceptance crossed his features as he plastered on a fake smile as person after person came up to introduce themselves, applauding my work in the play and asking about what I had lined up next. I had spotted a couple of big-name casting directors and producers hanging back, their ears perked up to my answers but never really approaching me. It was a tactic I’d become familiar with over the course of my time in the city. A producer would send out scouts to find out as much as they could without ever approaching themselves. That way, they could maintain an air of aloofness, therefore giving them an upper hand in any future negotiations.
After about an hour and a half of smiling, talking, and networking, I noticed Dylan flagging a bit. I gave my apologies to Mr. and Mrs. Blank Cheque that Mitchell Grant had sent over to talk to me, and towed Dylan across the open space to an empty booth along the back wall of the space.
“I’m fine, you know,” he smiled, suppressing a yawn.
“Yeah, that sleepy yawn just screams fine to me, Dyl,” I smiled back, running my fingers through his chestnut mop of hair.
“I’ll be okay.” He shook himself like a big dog shedding its coat of water. “Just need something to wake me up.” He looked around the room. “They must have somewhere here.”
“I don’t think it’s that kind of venue,” I chuckled.
His eyes darted past me before he nodded his head over my shoulder. I turned to spot Marge and Mitchell striding towards me, wide smiles on them like nightmare twin versions of the Cheshire cat. The creepiness of Mitchell’s smile didn’t seem to escape Dylan as I saw him visibly shiver as the director approached.
“Ah, there you are,” Madge cooed, coming over to my side and almost standing between me and Dylan. “What are you doing over here by yourself?”
A small cough sounded behind her. Her rolling eyes were the only sign that she’d even heard anything. A cruel smile played on Mitchell’s lips, obviously reveling in the mean-spirited attempt to dismiss my boyfriend right underneath my nose.
“As you are well aware, Madge, I’m here with Dylan,” I said, reaching around her and shoving her out of the way, pulling him to my side.
“Oh, of course you are.” She smiled sweetly, smoothing down a nonexistent crease in her sharp, tailored navy-blue pantsuit. “How fun.” She said it in that same almost questioning tone.
“Anyway, that’s not what we came over to talk to you about.” Mitchell waved over his shoulder into the crowd. I watched as the hoard of guests parted as Teddy, Lisa and Christina made their way towards us. “I have some good news.”
“This is sensitive information, Austin.” Madge nodded slightly in Dylan’s direction.
“I’m sure if you have something to say…” I began.
Dylan tugged at my sleeve gently. “Hey listen, I’m going to go get myself another drink and then maybe go mingle. You talk with these guys and come find me later?”
I really hadn’t planned on leaving his side at all tonight, but this seemed important and something I definitely wanted to hear, considering the wide smiles plastered on the faces of my castmates.
“Are you sure?” I asked him,. pulling him slightly out of earshot of the others.
“Yes, I’m sure, now go be a big star.” He smiled, pulling me down to kiss him. I watched as he disappeared into the growing crowd, my eyes darting to the empty spaces to try and catch a final glimpse, but to no avail. The venue must now have been at max capacity, with music throbbing from speakers on the far walls and right in front of the DJ booth giving an almost heart-pounding sensation in my chest.
“See, he is fine.” Marge waved as I turned back to the group. “Now Mitchell, why don’t you tell our Austin here the big news.”
“Well,” Mitchell clasped his hands together excitedly and rubbed them together, “opening night was more of a success than we ever could have imagined.” His wide grin grew impossibly wider by the second, giving him an almost vampiric quality in the strobe lights emanating from the back of the booth.
“How so?” I saw Lisa almost dancing on the spot as Teddy threw an arm over my shoulder.
“Well, the bigwigs over at Filmflix came to see your performance tonight, and they were very impressed.” Marge squealed and covered her mouth with her hands. “So much so that they want to fund the rest of the run.”
“No way!” I gasped. I turned to Christina, who nodded excitedly.
“Not only that, my boy,” Mitchell leaned forward and rested a hand on my shoulder, “but as soon as the run is over, they want to turn our little play into a Filmflix movie!”
“Holy shit,” I smiled at Lisa, pulling her into a tight hug, “I need to go tell…”
Madge laid a hand on my shoulder. “Austin, we have a town car waiting just outside the back.” She gestured to the door just off to the left. “They want to see you all now.”
“What like now, now?”
“Yes Austin,” Mitchell laughed, “right now. The executives over at Filmflix are having some kind of function at The Rainbow Room and sent word that they wanted to meet with you all right away.”
The Rainbow Room was a private function event at the Rockefeller Plaza which, from the venue we were currently at, would only take about ten minutes to get to, eight if the driver knew what he was doing and what roads to avoid. I looked across the room to see whether I could spot Dylan, the sea of bodies now obscuring anyone more than a few feet away. “Okay I just need to go tell…”
“Dylan?” Marge waved dismissively at me. “He will be fine, I’m sure he will understand.”
“I’m not leaving my boyfriend in the city alone, Marge.” I left no room for discussion as she rolled her eyes so hard I was worried they might roll out the back of her head. She started to say something else when Mitchell rested a hand on her forearm.
“Of course you are right, Austin.” He put himself between me and Madge, throwing a warning look over his shoulder. “I would never expect you to just abandon him, but we have no time to waste here.”
I shrugged my shoulders and refused to move until I had Dylan with me. “Well, I’m not just going to leave.”
“Austin, we need you in that car right away.” Mitchell’s voice warranted no discussion either. “But we will make sure that Dylan is told what’s going on and gets home safe.”
“But…”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to miss out on another opportunity, Austin.” Madge muttered pointedly.
There was a familiar tug in my gut as I watched Teddy and the girls move to the back of the club towards the exit. Madge might be a total bitch, but a small part of me agreed with her that if there were no Dylan, it would have been me leading this play and it would be me going to meet with studio executives about leading a show on the leading streaming platform in the world, rather than just being a supporting actor. I pushed down the resentment and nodded my head quickly at Mitchell.
“Make sure he knows I had no choice.” I cast one last look across the room to see if I could spot him, again to no avail. Mitchell assured me once more, before ushering me to the back of the room and into the car that whisked me and the others into the New York City night.