45. Katerina
CHAPTER 45
Katerina
After the insanity that was the fight at the Winchester, I take the longest, hottest shower known to man.
Washing away the bad. The blood that stained my hands and other parts of me too, however invisible.
I didn’t kill the pakhan myself, but I damn sure played a part in his downfall. I ran him through with the pocketknife I’d been carrying. I gave Roman the opening he needed to take him down.
It’s what I wanted. But on the other side, I feel conflicted.
I’ve never been a violent person. I’ve never hurt anyone, much less stabbed a person.
I was seeking revenge for Rosita, for Roman, for myself .
Yet Rosita’s still gone. I still have the terrible memories of everything that’s happened. Is it really justice if the pain remains?
I’m under the hot spray of water when I break down into tears. A deep sob racks through me and makes my face drop into my hands. Time becomes unglued as I stand like this for who knows how long, sobbing among the clouds of steam and against the static backdrop of running water.
Eventually I wilt like a flower, no longer able to stand.
I lower myself to the side of the tub, using the ledge like a seat. I’m both shaking from the chill inside my lungs and heated up from the shower’s cascade.
Fitting since everything else in my life feels like a contradiction right now.
If the past couple months have taught me anything, it’s that life is unpredictable. Life never makes any sense, and I have to simply figure out how to keep going. Things I had already learned from living on the streets from the time I was a stray.
But everything that’s gone down with Roman and the bratva have magnified these lessons by one thousand.
On the streets, I had learned to survive. I reached some place where I was able to block out any trauma from losing my family, going through the foster system, and then winding up all alone as a stray. Maybe it was because I never had enough time to sit and consider all the details. I was always on the go. Always on the move.
It wasn’t until captivity with Roman that I had time for these old wounds to reopen. That new ones formed, like what happened at the marketplace or with Rosita and Lucero. Possibly most terrifying of all, is the unknown that feels like it’s closing in on me.
The question of what happens now that we’ve reached the end and survived. What do I even expect or want to happen?
Roman and I discussed some imaginary future, where he attempts marriage and fatherhood. But it was in jest. Some fantasies as we lay in bed on the eve of our potential deaths. It didn’t mean anything.
And with Rosita gone, I have no one else left. Nowhere else to go.
No sense of purpose or direction…
I’m weeping so long that my skin prunes and I don’t hear the click of the bathroom door. It isn’t until the pad of Roman’s footsteps that it finally registers I’m no longer alone.
His shirt’s stained with blood—not a rarity for him—and he’s stone-faced. Probably wondering why I’m in tears now. What could I be crying over when we’ve won the war against the pakhan and his soldiers?
I dab at my eyes with the back of my hands and hiccup trying to speak. “I’m… I was… taking a shower… and then…”
I can’t even finish as another sob takes hold.
He’s taking off his clothes in silence. He strips off his shirt, then his pants and boxers. He’s over six feet, over two hundred pounds of carved muscle as he stands nude like some masterful sculpture and steps into the tub with me.
His hand cups my elbow to pull me to my feet with him. Once I’m next to him, he’s thumbing away tears and stroking my face.
We don’t speak. We slip into our shower routine, letting the water cascade over us.
My tears gradually fade. I’m depleted of them as it dawns me I feel lighter. The weight that was pressing down on my chest is gone. Though I’m still uncertain about the future and grieving the past, I’ve gotten what I needed to out of my system.
Roman seems to understand this as he wraps his arms around my hips and presses his lips to my neck.
The blood that once marred our skin circles the drain until it disappears entirely. We’ve washed away all evidence of what we’ve done as we twist off the faucet and reach for towels through the thick steam.
I slip on a sleep shirt and crawl into bed, exhausted beyond words.
Roman stops at my side of the bed to sit down next to me. He can’t resist touching me in some way. His wide palm runs up my arm ’til he’s crossing the line of my shoulder and then resting at the base of my throat.
Drawing me toward him, he kisses me gently on the mouth, like he knows it’s all I can handle.
“He’s dead,” he says, the first words between us since he’s come up. “I killed him.”
I already knew this, figuring as much when I saw the blood.
But hearing the words is different. Immediate relief sweeps through me. I let out a slow breath and nod along. My thoughts still feel scrambled trying to process everything.
“What are you thinking?” he prompts.
I close my eyes. “I’m not sure. What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking… it’s over,” he answers candidly. “I’m thinking this is both an ending and a beginning.”
“That’s one way to put it.”
“Your friend was lost. We will have a service for her. A way to pay tribute to her life and your friendship. Would you want this?”
“I… I would like that.”
“And her son,” he sighs heavily. “He has been with social services.”
I nod. “He’s orphaned. Just like me. I was his age when…”
“We will get him out. We will take care of him.”
“We?” I open my eyes for a questioning stare, blinking dazedly. “You mean… both of us?”
“Is that what you would want, devochka? For us to take him in?”
I’m thrown for a couple seconds working my way through the possibility. I’ve been questioning whether Roman and I would still be together now that everything was over, yet here he is open to the possibility of taking in a child together?
He’s presumed our relationship will continue.
The talk about the future wasn’t just talk. Not to him.
It was real. He was serious.
I crack a small, hesitant smile. Tears I thought I’d cried myself out of emerge fresh in my eyes. “Rosita would’ve wanted that. For me to… look after him if she wasn’t around.”
He cups my face in his hands. “Then that’s what will happen. We’ll take him as our own.”
“Are you sure? I mean, all of it. Me? Our relationship? Lucero? He’s a real boy, Zver. If we do this…”
It’s forever. For the rest of our lives…
“Is that what you want? Tell me, kitty cat.” He rubs his thumb along the curve of my cheek, his intense sapphire eyes studying every detail of my face this close up. It’s as if he hasn’t done so a dozen times before. “Tell me if you want to go. If this is no longer what you want…”
“Roman…”
“You may have your freedom. You aren’t my captive. You’re free to go.” He brings our faces even closer together ’til there’s only an inch separating us and sends a sharp shiver down my spine. “But that’s not what I would want.”
“No?”
“I want you to stay. I couldn’t be held accountable if I missed you… and took you again for myself.”
An abrupt giggle bubbles out of me. I lean in and give him a peck on the lips. “Are you really telling me you’d kidnap me all over again, Zver?”
“I said I can’t be held accountable. It would be outside my control.”
“Because you’re such a beast.”
“You get it, devochka. Beasts do as they please. Especially when the woman they’re in love with leaves.”
I go still, yet my heartbeat triples. “Are you sure you really love me?”
“No,” he answers. “I’m in love with you, kitty cat. I’ve fought it and pushed it away, but it turns out beasts do have feelings other than rage.”
“I’m in love with you too,” I whisper almost shyly. “And… I’m not going anywhere. I choose to be free with you. If that’s what you still want.”
“You can be by my side. We can make a life together. But it may be a dangerous one. I am the new pakhan. There might come times where more threats emerge.”
“I just want to be with you. We can survive anything, don’t you think?”
He kisses me in between other strokes of my cheek. “I think we will be very good together.”
“And Lucero…”
“You’ll come home with me—the new home I build for us—and so will he.”
It’s the last puzzle piece I realize that I’m missing in order to feel complete. In order for the distress that’s been plaguing me to morph into feelings of security. While it’s not a perfect fix to the trauma and grief—nothing could be except undoing the past—it’s an opportunity for a brighter future.
The kind of life I could’ve only hoped for.
One full of danger, but also full of excitement and happiness. A life by the side of the only man who has ever made me feel valued and loved. Things that have always seemed so out of reach for an orphaned, street thief stray like me.
I’m speechless, my throat dry from the emotions crashing over me. Roman puts his arms around me and I melt into him like I’ve always dreamed of.
He’s right that we’ve reached an ending, but that ending is also our new beginning.