Chapter Sixteen
W e were taking a break when someone suddenly appeared by the table. I practically jumped out of my seat. Seth rubbed my back as Toby stared down at me, looking a little sheepish.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Oh. No. Don’t worry,” I said. “How’d you get here? What are you doing here?”
Toby looked out at the crowd briefly. “I figured this would be a good distraction. I was able to talk Bryan into dropping me off.”
“He isn’t here?” Seth asked.
Toby shook his head as we scooched over and made room for him to sit with us. “Naw, he has to head home. His mother summoned him.”
Seth frowned briefly. “I’ll give him a call in the morning to make sure everything is all right.”
“You don’t have to,” I said. “I’m doing a brunch thing with him tomorrow. I can make sure he’s okay.”
“Really?” Seth actually seemed surprised.
“Uh, yeah, of course. It’s not anything hard.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” I replied, confused.
Why did Seth seem so surprised by the offer?
“Well, I’m assuming you guys are taking a break, but since I just got here, I have too much energy, so I’m going to go dance.”
“We’ll join you in a little bit,” Janice said.
“Well, I don’t know about me,” Lillian said. “My feet feel like they’re on fire.”
“Maybe if you didn’t stomp around so much it wouldn’t have been bad,” Hazel teased.
Micah snorted. “Can you really judge her when you nearly took my eye out?”
“Hey!” Hazel nudged his side with her elbow. Micah pretended it hurt until she gave him a kiss.
“No regrets.” Lillian grabbed her soda and took another drink, letting out a sigh as she leaned back in her chair.
As they talked, I searched the crowd until I spotted Toby. He was grinning, eyes closed as he danced to the music. I really hoped he was getting the distraction he needed.
“Do you think it’s about his brother?” I mumbled.
“What?” Seth asked, the only person close enough to me to realize I had said anything.
“Nothing.” I flashed him a smile and went back to watching Toby, tempted to go join him.
But by the time I found him, he already had a dance partner. My whole body stiffened as tingles of awareness skittered across my skin. I put my hand in my lap as I stared at the two of them.
The girl had curly black hair cascading down her back. She wore tight jeans and a low-cut shirt. She was really cute, energetic, confident.
Jealousy hit me hard. It was dark and murky and made me sick to my stomach. But it kept boiling the longer I watched the two of them move together, too close for my liking.
I tried to look away, to focus on anything else, but my gaze kept snapping back to them. The girl twirled under Toby’s arm, and while she laughed, I could imagine the sound of it, light and carefree. The thumping of the bass from the music made it impossible to hear them. I knew that. But still. I felt like I could.
Toby smiled in response to the girl’s carefree attitude—a genuine, relaxed smile that made my chest ache.
I clenched my teeth together, trying to rationalize what I was seeing. Toby wasn’t doing anything wrong. I knew that. I was a rational person. A smart person. Or so I’d like to think.
But I was definitely feeling rather stupid as he had fun with another girl, even as I knew he would never cross the line. He didn’t touch her inappropriately or lean in too close. He was just...having fun. Still, the knot in my stomach refused to unravel.
I took a sip of water, hoping it’d help calm me down.
It didn’t.
Janice noticed first since she was sitting across from me. Her smile slipped away and that only added to the dark clouds brewing inside me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, maybe a little too fast. But it was impossible not to look over at Toby.
Janice followed my line of sight, finally spotting what had stolen all of my attention. Her lips pressed into a thin line, her eyes narrowing. If she was reacting like that, then maybe there was more to what I was seeing. I didn’t want to overthink it though. I didn’t want to be that sticky girlfriend, especially because I was dating all five of them. It didn’t seem fair.
“You don’t look like you’re okay,” Janice said in a lower voice. “I’m going to interrupt them.”
“No.” I grabbed her hand, finally gaining the others’ attention. “He’s just dancing. Not a big deal.” I tried to sound as dismissive as possible, but it fell flat even to my ears.
It felt like a big deal. A really big deal. Every time he placed his hand on her back to guide her or laughed together at their silliness, it felt like a dagger twisting in my chest.
“What is that idiot doing?” Micah asked.
I grimaced.
“He isn’t an idiot,” I said. “He’s here to distract himself and have some fun.”
“There are lines he shouldn’t be crossing,” Seth said, frowning as he watched his friend. I could see the conflict in his gaze. He wasn’t sure what to do, no doubt feeling the same way that I did. Toby wasn’t going too far. But it still felt like he stepped over a line.
As if sensing my gaze, Toby looked over at us. His smile widened and he gave me a small wave. I lifted my hand in a halfhearted wave back, but my expression must not have matched the motion. His brows knitted together briefly before he was forced to turn his attention back to his partner. As the girl pulled him back into the rhythm of the music, my stomach churned.
I stood abruptly, needing air, needing space.
Everyone was too surprised to react as I pushed through the crowd, away from them and away from Toby and the jealousy. I went to the front, giving Tim a little wave, signaling that I was just stepping out.
He nodded in acknowledgment and went back to manning the door. I walked down away from the entrance and all the people, wrapping my arms around my chest. My jacket was too light to spend time standing around outside, but the bite of the cold air helped to clear my head.
It was so stupid to feel like this, but I couldn’t let it go. And I hated myself for it.
Toby didn’t do anything wrong. He was just dancing and having fun. The only thing I didn’t like was that I wasn’t that girl with him. I really wished I had been.
“Hey.” Toby’s tentative voice called out. I turned to face him.
He was standing there, hands shoved in his pants pockets as he fought against the cold.
“Hey,” I whispered, not able to add any volume to my response. My throat felt like it didn’t want to work.
His footsteps crunched against the dust of snow and ice on the sidewalk as he came closer, stopping only a couple feet away. He didn’t touch me, didn’t press, just stood there, waiting.
Normally, I was good with silence. I enjoyed it. But not in this case. Things were never silent when Toby was around. It was like he knew something was wrong, so he was being cautious. Toby wasn’t one to be cautious. Not like this.
I ended up breaking the silence first. “I needed some air.”
“Yeah, that’s what Seth told me.” There was a pause and then he asked, “Are you okay?”
An unbidden, bitter laugh escaped me as I shook my head. “Not really.”
He stepped closer, his voice steady and concerned. “What’s going on? Did something happen?”
I hesitated, chewing on my bottom lip. It’d be so easy to just bury it and pretend everything was perfectly fine. Years of practice had made me an expert. But the other part of me was tired of doing that.
I wasn’t in a situation where I needed to do that anymore. This wasn’t about my survival. This was just about me being...me. I guess.
And if there was one thing Dr. Arason was always trying to instill in me, it was about opening up. No longer holding in my emotions.
“I didn’t like it,” I said quietly, turning to face him. “I saw it and it hit me and I know it’s stupid, but I really didn’t like it.”
Toby’s brows knitted together, confusion flickering across his face. “You mean the girl I was dancing with?”
I nodded, my throat tightening. “She...she was really pretty, Toby. And confident, and fun, and you guys were laughing, and—” I stopped, swallowing hard. “It just made me feel weird. Like maybe I wasn’t enough. Especially not for everyone. There just isn’t that much of me to begin with and then I’m supposed to what? Split that between the five of you?”
Once it dawned on Toby what I was talking about, his expression softened, his eyes filling with something between concern and regret. He closed the gap between us, his hands reaching out, but stopping just short of touching me, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed.
“Cadence,” he said gently. “She was just a girl. I don’t even know her name. I swear we were only dancing and there was no intention of anything else. In fact, while I was out there, another guy had been trying to force her, so I slipped in to dissuade him. Once he was gone, she wanted to keep dancing but didn’t want anyone to approach her. So I kind of played bodyguard for her until her friend came back from the bathroom. That’s it. I swear. I’m so sorry I made you feel bad. I would never do that to you. Ever.”
“I know that,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. “I know you weren’t doing anything wrong. But watching you two just got to me. I couldn’t help it. I tried over and over to rationalize it, but nothing worked.”
Toby released a breath, clouding the space between us with wisps of air. He finally wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his warm body, chasing away some of the cold that’d seeped into me. The relief that flooded through me was immediate and grounding. I let myself lean against him, needing more of him.
“I can guess what gave you the idea that you aren’t enough. And I hate that those experiences have given you that kind of doubt, but you don’t see yourself like we do. You are enough. If anything, I’m not enough for you. None of us are. I’m not even sure if you have a mean bone in your body and you do so much for everyone else while doing so little for yourself.” His voice was low against my ear. “I don’t want anyone else. I don’t even see anyone else when I’m with you.”
Tears pricked at my eyes, and I blinked them away quickly. “I’m sorry I got jealous. I didn’t mean to overreact.”
Toby pulled back just enough to look at me. “You’re allowed to feel how you feel. But I need you to know there’s no competition, Cadence. You’re the only girl I ever met who’s been able to handle me. I’m not giving you up for something fleeting. Not when I have a chance at something so much more than that.”
His words were a soothing balm, smoothing the raw, rough edges of my insecurity. I nodded, a small smile breaking through the tension. “Thank you for saying that.”
He brushed a strand of hair out of my face, his thumb grazing my cheek. “Anytime. Don’t hurt me, but I absolutely love that you felt jealousy.”
I stiffened against him, but he rubbed my back.
“I won’t put you through this again, not knowingly. But knowing that you can feel like this because of me, it’s reassuring. It means I have a presence. I need that.”
Frowning, I pulled away from him. “You have a lot of presence. It’s hard to miss.”
He chuckled, but the humor wasn’t quite there like usual.
“It doesn’t always feel like that. I’ve always only been an afterthought. But your jealousy proved that I can be someone’s first. Someone’s priority. Thank you.”
Toby’s hand slid up to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing softly against my skin.
Heat rushed to my face, but I was unable to look away from his intense gaze.
“You take my breath away, Cadence, and I feel like one of the luckiest guys in existence for meeting you.”
Before I could respond, he leaned in, his movements slow and deliberate, giving me plenty of time to pull back if I wanted to. But I didn’t. I closed the remaining space between us, meeting him halfway.
His lips were warm and soft, moving against mine hard, sending a shiver down my spine. It was intense, but not overly, and steady. Certain. He was proving that he absolutely was in and wanted me. And I responded the same way.
I sank into him, my hands resting lightly on his chest. For those few moments, there was nothing but Toby, his arms around me, his lips on mine, and the steady beat of his heart against my palm.
When we finally pulled apart, his forehead rested against mine, his breath mingling with mine in the cool night air.
“I meant what I said,” he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. “You’re it for me.”
My heart swelled, and I smiled softly, brushing my fingers against his cheek. “You aren’t an afterthought. I need you to believe that.”
Toby broke out into a massive smile and kissed me again, but this time it was quick. A peck on the cheek. Then I was wrapped in his arms, squeezed closely to him. For the first time that night, the doubt and jealousy were completely gone, replaced by something more solid and healthier. Certainty.
Toby gave me certainty.