Chapter 32
Dax
I t’s been a wild few days. How likely is it that a guy realizes he’s in love for the first time right after discovering his dad isn’t really his dad? It’s been a whirlwind of feelings, some good, a lot bad, but through it all, Miles has been my constant.
From the outside, he doesn’t seem like that guy—one who is so damn good at being there for someone—and I don’t think he realizes he is.
I’m not sure how I would have handled all this without him.
He makes me feel…loved, wanted, needed. Those aren’t things I realized I needed before Miles, but I really fucking do. And he gives me that.
And he bakes cookies, so really, how can I not love him?
I finish up my shift at the hospital, then head to the frat.
I have to pick up a few things before going to Miles’s apartment for the night.
I haven’t slept at home since Thanksgiving, and I’ve run out of clothes and personal items. Feels like so many of my things keep making their way to his place.
I guess that’s what happens when you’re in love.
“Hey, man. What’s up?” Teddy greets me.
“Not much. Just gotta grab some things.”
Normally I’d stop to talk, so when I don’t, Leo asks, “You okay?” He, Teddy, Damien, and Andy are sitting at the kitchen table, sharing a box of cereal.
Yes sits on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t set it free because really, I’m not sure I’m okay.
“You’ve been quiet lately,” Leo adds. “Less like you.”
“I’m just dealing with some shit,” I admit.
“Miles?” Damien sneers.
“Fuck off, man. Okay? It’s getting a little much.
Nothing is wrong with me and Miles. He’s…
” What do I even say here? Real shit, like he’s everything to me?
I’m not one to deny how I feel, so I just shrug and admit, “I’m in love with him.
He’s been helping me through some personal stuff I’m dealing with. ”
Everyone frowns, and Andy asks, “Seriously, man, everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.” How do I explain that not only did I find out my dad isn’t my dad, but that the biggest betrayal I feel is from my mom? The person who held me through my tears and made me feel loved when my dad never did.
I’m surprised when it’s Damien who says, “We’re here for you when you’re ready. We’re bros, ya know?”
I…didn’t expect that from him. But besides that glitch earlier, he has been more chill about Miles since our last talk.
“For sure,” Leo adds.
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” And I do. We might not all always get along perfectly, but these guys are my brothers.
“I can tell you’re itching to go see your boy,” Teddy says.
“Yeah. He baked me cookies.” I grin, not telling them the first batch was burned.
“Are we talking about the same Miles Tanner?” Andy cocks a brow.
“And he also fucked me so hard I saw stars,” I tease, making them all laugh.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Damien pretends to roll his eyes, but it’s all playful.
It feels good to laugh with him. I hate feeling this way. I’ve worked hard to be…well, sunshine, like Miles calls me, and I want to find my way back. “I’m gonna go grab my shit.”
I tell them goodbye, then head to my room, take a quick shower, pack some things, and then dip.
I slip into the apartment without knocking and find Miles painting. I love watching him work, seeing him lose himself in his art. The only other time I ever see him let go is when he’s fucking me, or kissing me, or looking at me in this intense way that only he can.
I take off my shoes, curl up on the couch, and just…
take him in. At first, it’s like he doesn’t even realize I’m there, but I know he does.
He’s just so comfortable around me that he can continue to be completely absorbed in his work.
It’s like he knows he’s safe with me, just like I know I’m safe with him, and I want Miles to always feel like that because I think with me is the only place he gets it.
The canvas looks dark and stormy, grays and dark blues and…thunderstorms? Is that what he’s painting? But there are also a few pops of yellow, like the sunshine is trying to break through. Sunshine and storms. Me and Miles. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
He sighs and rinses his brush. “I’m not sure about it.”
“I am. It’s incredible.”
Miles smirks. “You have to say that because you’re my boyfriend.” He comes over and sits down beside me, and I exhale a breath that feels like it’s been trapped all day. “How are you?” he asks, and for the first time today, I share how I really feel.
“Sad,” I say, and he cocks his head, brows furrowed, as if he didn’t expect me to really answer. “Confused. Guilty.”
“Guilty? You don’t have anything to feel guilty about. Your father—”
“Not him,” I interrupt. “Well…yes, to an extent. I do feel a little guilty because I hated him for so long, when in reality, he raised a son who wasn’t his.”
“And made you feel less than. No one should ever make you feel less than you are, Dax. You’re…everything.”
I grin, hold his face, and kiss him. “Such a closet sweetheart.”
“Don’t ever tell anyone.” He gives a small smile in return, then wraps his arm around me, running his fingers through my hair.
“You’re right. I know you are, but mostly I’m just confused and feel guilty about my feelings about my mom.
She was my hero, my safe place. She’s where I felt loved.
While it felt like he always did the wrong thing, I believed she always did the right thing.
I thought she always had my best interests at heart, and now I’m second-guessing that.
I worry she’s not who I thought she was, like I’m an unreliable narrator in my own life.
Then I feel guilty for thinking that way. She’s my mom. I know she loved me.”
Miles is quiet, and I realize this must bring up bad feelings for him too because of losing his own mom.
“I’m sorry, Miles. I—”
“Don’t be. You can talk to me. This is how you take care of someone, right?”
I nod.
“I don’t think you should feel guilty for any of that. Anyone would feel that way. You can love her and know she loved you but acknowledge she wasn’t perfect.”
I cock a brow. “Wow. You’re good at this.”
“Shut up.” He tries to pull back, but I hold him tight.
“I’m being serious. That’s exactly what it is, and I didn’t realize it until this second.
She was always perfect for me. I thought she could do no wrong because in my eyes, she never did, but she was only human.
” We all make mistakes. We all screw up.
We all have shit to deal with, my mom included.
Her actions were wrong, and they ultimately hurt me, but that doesn’t take away from the love she gave me.
She did her best, just like we all do. “Thank you.”
“Is this where I pretend I know what I did?”
I laugh, lying on my back on the couch and pulling Miles on top of me.
His weight, his breath against me, the feel of his skin, are exactly what I need.
“Cedric checked on me. The guys at the frat checked on me without even knowing what went down. The only person I wanted to talk to is you. And sometimes talking helps more than we think.” It does for me, and if Miles gave it a chance, it would help him too.
“What are you going to do?” he asks.
“Talk to my boyfriend.” I laugh. “Go to therapy. I don’t know what I expect from my dad—shit.
I keep calling him that. Am I supposed to keep calling him that?
I don’t know. I’m going to ask for some time away from him, if he even wants anything to do with me now that I know, and I’m going to figure out what I expect, and how I feel, and what I want. ”
He runs the tip of one finger from my temple to my chin. “You’re so put together. What are you doing with me?”
“You have a great dick.”
“Obviously.” He smirks.
“I love you.” I don’t want him to ever think I’m only with him for the sex. “And you make me feel loved. I have fun with you, and you’re a good person, even if you don’t realize it…and I can’t wait for you to realize it.”
He stares at me as if trying to work through what I said, trying to believe it, then tells me, “I love you too.” He rests his head against my chest, and this time, it’s me touching him, massaging his scalp, letting him know that just like he’s here for me, I’ll always be here for him.
“I think,” Miles says, “I need to talk to my dad and tell him how I feel. What him disappearing on me did to me. I understand the pain he was going through, the need for help, but how he did it left me very alone.”
Sweet fucking Miles. Saying that wasn’t easy for him, and telling his father won’t be either, but I’m so glad he’s going to do it. “I think that’s a good idea. Maybe it’ll help you find some peace in it all.” I continue to play with his hair. “I can go with you.”
He looks up at that, running his finger along my collarbone, tracing it. “You would go with me, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes. I’d do anything for you.”
It takes him a moment to speak again, and God, I wish I were inside his brain, wish I could understand every pause, every look. “I can’t ask you to do that, not after what you’ve been through. It would be a lot.”
“You didn’t ask me. I offered. I want to be there for you.”
He presses his lips to mine. “You are. I wouldn’t be considering talking to my father otherwise, but I need to do this on my own.”
“Okay. I’ll be here waiting for you when you’re done.”
“You better be.” He grins, and though I know it’ll be a lot for him, I’m proud that he’s pushing himself to have a conversation that’s long overdue, about parts of his past that have been weighing on him for far too long.