Chapter 34
Dax
“H ey, how are you doing?” Cedric asks. It’s the first time we’re speaking on the phone since everything went down, but we’ve texted. He’s made sure to check in with me daily, which is the epitome of who Cedric is and why I love him so much.
“Okay…ish. Trying to sort through everything. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about both Mom and Dad.” Though Miles did help me understand that it’s completely normal, that I shouldn’t feel guilty about anything, especially where Mom is concerned, which is what had me twisted up the most. I don’t want to have negative feelings about the memory of the person I always felt was so instrumental in who I am.
The one who always showed me she loves me, and I guess that’s the thing.
She did something wrong. She lied to me, but I can’t ever doubt she loved me, and that makes the difference.
“Yeah, me too. I’m so fucking sorry, Dax. I know I said it that day, but I need to say it again—I love you. There is no half brother between us. You’re as much my brother as you’ve always been. As for Dad, I won’t accept him treating us differently anymore. I’m sorry I ever did.”
The thing is, he can’t change who my father is, and I don’t want him to. How is it any better for him to treat me like a son if he’s only doing it to make Cedric happy?
“No. You can’t do that. I don’t expect you to do that.
You can’t push him into seeing me like his son.
He’s never going to feel the same way about me as he does you.
I see that now. I don’t even know what I want from him, and honestly, it’s not the most important piece for me.
I just need to be okay, and I need us to be okay. ”
“We’ll always be okay. You’re more than my brother; you’re my best friend.”
And Cedric is that for me. I’m not sure what the future holds for me and my dad. That’s not something I have to answer right now, but I do know what my future holds for Cedric and me, and for Miles and me.
“You’re my best friend too. That’s what matters to me. Dad is something to figure out later, or never. So can we get to the important stuff, where I tell you I’m totally in love?” I don’t want this phone call to be sad. I’m tired of feeling sad.
“Wow. In love?” There’s shock in his voice, of course, but happiness too. I love sharing this with him, getting back to who we are as brothers and not letting our parents’ mistakes change our relationship.
“Abso-fucking-lutely.”
“And he feels the same?”
“This is me we’re talking about. Who wouldn’t be in love with me?” Cedric laughs, and I continue. “He does. I’ve never felt like this before, Ced. He makes me feel…good, and I always thought I felt good before. Maybe I did, but Miles makes me feel more .”
“Damn. That’s amazing. I’m happy for you. I could tell how much he wanted to protect you on Thanksgiving. The look in his eyes was a little scary.”
It’s my turn to chuckle. In a way, that’s Miles, I guess, but he would never really hurt anyone. All he wants is to protect the people he loves or cares about—me, Caleb with the fire, even his dad’s feelings, by keeping his pain to himself all these years. “He loves big,” I answer.
“He must be something special to get you,” Cedric replies.
He is something special, and even if no one else sees it, I’ll make sure to show him how special he is every day.
“I know, right?” I joke, and then my brother and I continue our conversation, not talking about anything painful, nothing about his dad or our mom, just the kind of things we’ve always enjoyed talking about, which is exactly how I want it.
A reminder that nothing has changed between us.
And it’s also a good distraction while Miles is with his father.
It’s killing me not to be there with him, not to know what’s happening.
I’m proud of him for wanting to do this, acknowledging he needs to do it on his own, while wishing I could be by his side so he knows he’s always supported.
When Cedric and I end the call, I head into the kitchen, thinking about how Miles wanted to make cookies for me when I was sad because he knew my mom and I baked together, and that even though she was good at other things, her cookies were the best and it would make me feel close to her.
I want to make him feel that good too, want to share with him something my mom did for me.
Just as I’m pulling them from the oven, the door to his apartment opens. I slide the pan onto the counter and pull off the mitt as Miles comes over.
“This is nice to come home to.”
“Next time I’ll bake naked, in nothing but an apron.”
“Only do that when I’m here to see it.” His arms wrap around my waist, Miles pulling me close and resting his head on my shoulder.
“How did it go?” I ask.
“It was hard. And really sad. Dad shared some things I didn’t know—she left a diary and had been seeing a therapist. She was trying to get better, but she didn’t want us to know. Why didn’t she want us to know?”
“I’m sorry. I wish I had the answers. I think…
I think sometimes we try to protect the people we love, and we think we’re doing it the right way, but we’re not.
” It’s what my mom tried to do—she tried to protect me from the truth about my dad—and Miles’s mom tried to protect her family from her pain too.
This is why it’s important to get to a place where we can all be more open with each other, share what we’re feeling and lean on each other. Miles and I will start that change.
“Yeah. I’d like to believe that. It’s just…” He stops himself. Given how long he’s blamed himself, I imagine that’s not a switch he can turn off.
I nod, rub my cheek against his, hoping the contact helps.
He shakes his head. “It was good to talk to my dad, though. He didn’t understand at first the impact of what he’d done, how it left me feeling like a monster.”
I pull back so I can look at him. It kills me that he sees himself that way. “You’re not a monster. You love so hard and care so much. You feel everything. Monsters don’t feel so big, the way you do.”
He nods, his eyes red, and I can tell he’d been crying.
“Thank you. The more we spoke, the less I felt that way. We both needed this. After our talk about Mom, he actually let me explain what happened with the fire. Without trying to brush it off or act like everything was fine. And he believed me.” He nearly chokes on the words, tears glistening in his eyes.
He doesn’t try to hide them from me, just bares it all, more vulnerable than I could’ve ever imagined from our early interactions.
“Now I hope we can start dealing with things we’ve pretended didn’t exist for too long.
Feels like we’re in a better place, or at least on the path to getting to a better place. ”
“That’s good.” I run my hands up and down his back.
“Know how you said you’re going to start seeing a therapist?”
My heart races, hoping this is going the direction I’m thinking it is. “Yeah.”
“I need to do that too, see this counselor I met up with a while ago, only doing that regularly now.”
“You saw someone?”
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Miles Tanner’s cheeks turn pink. “When I was planning our date. I needed someone to talk to about it.”
This man. This adorable, wild, unique man.
He went to a therapist to talk about taking me on a date, and I know it’s because he wanted to make it special.
“That’s…very sweet. Thank you for doing that for me, though you didn’t have to.
You could have taken me to McDonald’s, and I would have enjoyed our date. ”
“I’ll remember that for next time,” he jokes.
I press my back against the counter and pull him close. “Being serious, though, I’m proud of you for making the decision to start seeing a therapist. It’s not always an easy thing to do.”
“No, it’s not. But it’s important.” He looks over my shoulder. “Your cookies look better than mine. Less black and crusty around the edges.”
“Last time wasn’t your fault. I wooed you with my ass.”
He laughs, then drops his forehead against mine. “Thank you for being here for me. Today was easier because I knew I had you in my corner.”
“I’ll always be in your corner. I think you made me a stalker too.”
“So yeah, I should probably go get that restraining order now.” He pretends to pull away but doesn’t go far. I love that we can joke around this way, even after what we’ve been through. “I love you, Dax.”
“I love you too.” I take Miles’s mouth, slip my tongue inside, tasting and exploring. I kiss the salty tears from his lips, feel him harden against my length as we rut together, the scent of chocolate-chip cookies surrounding us.
“Do you know what always helps me feel better?” Miles asks.
“Sugar?” I tease.
“Orgasms.”
“I mean, they’re totally one of my favorite things too. Plus, I like to have sweet and salty things together.” I cup his heavy balls.
He smiles, and I know it’s one of his real ones, the one that took me a while to get to see, but now they make an appearance more and more. “You should probably get on your knees, then.”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
I blow Miles right there in the middle of the kitchen, then jerk off afterward.
We clean up, then take a whole plate of cookies to the couch and eat way too much sugar and watch one of our shows.
We spend the rest of the day talking, making each other come, or watching TV, and I think maybe it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Relationships are fucking awesome—at least this one with him.
We do manage to find some real food for dinner, then climb into bed together.
“I could get used to this,” Miles says.
“You better. I already told you you’re stuck with me now.”
“Where else would I want to be, sunshine?”
I bury my face in his neck. “We’re so extra.”
“We’ll go back to being normal tomorrow. This is us like…being in touch with our feelings or whatever. I hear therapists like that stuff.”
I laugh. “You’re already acing this.” I rest my head in the crook of his arm. He smells like chocolate from the cookies, and it makes me want to lick him.
I never imagined myself feeling this way about someone. I sure as shit never saw myself falling for Miles Tanner, but now that I know him, now that I have him, there’s nowhere I’d rather be.
Life won’t always be easy, and we’ve both got a lot to work through, but lying here with him, feeling the way he holds me, the way he shares so much more of himself with me, I know everything is going to be okay.