Epilogue #2
He steadies himself and draws close for a kiss. My cheeks warm as I push him against the wall, taking that mouth. Because it’s mine to take, and I’m always proud to take it. When I pull away, his breath hitches, his eyes locking with mine.
“Seriously,” I whisper. “I was living half a life before we met, barely knowing how I felt about anything. And now there’s you, and I feel so cared for, so safe.”
His lip curls into a smile I’ve become so familiar with.
“Yeah, definitely yellow,” I say, and his smile spreads into a broad grin.
I notice how confident I feel beside him, how he makes me feel invincible, probing at something that surprises even me.
“You probably need me to fuck the hell out of you tonight, but would you mind if I read an entry first?” When we went to visit my father over the break, he gave me Mom’s diary, bookmarking a particular entry he believed would be safe for me to read.
I haven’t been able to brave a look. Was waiting to feel ready for whatever lies within that page, and tonight, for some reason, feels right.
Dax’s expression turns serious, and now I feel like an ass for spoiling the mood.
“Dumb idea,” I say, turning away.
He rests his hand on my cheek. “It’s not a dumb idea. It just surprised me to hear you say that’s what you wanted. Do you want me to be there when you do it?”
“Yes. I need you there so I can.”
He takes my hand, interlocking our fingers, knowing exactly what I need.
We head into the apartment together, to my bedroom, and I fetch Mom’s diary from my nightstand drawer. Sitting on the edge of the bed with him, I start to open it but stop myself. Tension rises within me. “Fuck,” I mutter. Maybe I was wrong about tonight.
Dax places his hand on my wrist, stroking gently, and I remember to breathe.
It takes me a moment to collect myself before I have some clarity.
“This is a big ask,” I say, “but would you mind reading it to me? I feel like whatever it says will be easier to bear if I’m hearing you say it.
Sorry, is that too much?” I start to set the diary aside, but he takes it with his free hand.
“I’ve got you,” he assures me, those sparkling green eyes giving me another boost of confidence. Yes, he does have me.
He opens the book, and there’s relief in just seeing it open for the first time.
“I think it will open your eyes to a lot of things that maybe you need to hear,” Dad said.
Despite Dax braving this for me, I can tell by the way he licks his lips, he’s nervous too, not knowing what this says or how it could affect me.
But he doesn’t leave me in suspense. “ Today’s been one of the hardest I’ve had in a long time.
There’s a picture of Sean, Miles, and me from a snow day.
It was a beautiful day, building a snowman and having a snowball fight.
For a few hours, I forgot about all this pain.
When it was just us having a pleasant time.
I try to keep it close to remind me of the good times, and that nothing in the world could mean more to me than these two incredible guys.
I’m so lucky to have them, and that’s partly why I know something’s wrong.
Because everything in me just wants it all to stop hurting, and I’m so terrified I might do something.
I don’t want to leave my husband and baby behind.
But I also don’t want them to see me struggle.
And I especially don’t want to be the one to ruin Miles’s life.
He’s such a bright light, and I want him to shine, and it’s horrifying knowing I might be the one to ruin it all for him. ”
Dax stops reading, and tears burst from my eyes, sliding down my cheeks.
“That’s all it says,” he tells me.
As I erupt into trembles, he sets the diary on the comforter and draws close, putting his arms around me, once again intuiting my needs. A very Dax thing.
A frenzy of chaotic emotions overwhelms me.
“Are you okay?” Dax whispers.
“It’s just a lot. The hurt of knowing Mom was in so much pain. The relief that it wasn’t all a lie, that some of those good days in my mind were real. But mostly, that she didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to leave me, Dax.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“It’s what you said before. She was trying to protect us, but whatever was happening in her mind was just too much for her.”
He keeps me close, tightening his hold. “She loved you,” he reminds me, echoing something I’m only now really appreciating.
“She really did. And so did Dad. It doesn’t fix any of it, but it helps.”
“I can only imagine.” He nestles his face against my cheek, offering a tender kiss.
I cling to my Dax, reveling in the realization that Mom’s love was real. I’ve spent so much of my life fearing it was just in my damn mind.
And just as important, it reminds me of the love I have today.
The love I share with him.
My boyfriend.
My sunshine.
My Dax.
THE END