Chapter 19
brIAR
Eventually, barrel racing finished and they began clearing the arena, gearing up for the steer wrestlers. Yet Cassidy hadn’t returned. Scanning the crowd around me, I saw no sign of him. Pushing off from the metal bleacher that had turned warm, I slipped the strands of hair out of my belt and excused myself past the strangers seated around me.
Despite my best efforts, my boots clunked heavily down the steps, and I turned to the right, clamoring down the last few stairs.
And my heart plummeted like a stone in a bottomless well.
Cassidy was leaned up against the side of a small, cement building that we’d gotten our food at, talking to two girls. A charming smile spread on his face, as he chuckled at something one of the women said. They were both stunning cowgirls, with felt hats pulled over silky hair that cascaded in waterfall-like waves just past their shoulders—regular lengths. One with brown hair, and one with blonde hair so strikingly bright, it nearly blinded me.
The auburn-haired girl came up to his shoulder, while the other one barely made it to his chest. They had just the right amount of curves in their bodies, highlighted by glittering button-up shirts and sparkly belts.
The blonde tossed a little bit of hair over her shoulder and then reached forward. She brushed some fingers warmly against his arm. My vision turned blurry as he pulled his hands from his pockets and pushed off from the wall. She dropped her touch at his movement.
He hadn’t returned because he was flirting with some girls while on this so-called date with me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. For the second time in a single night, those slimy green fingers of jealousy clawed in my belly. His past was his past, something I thought I could get over, but it was happening right now, right in front of me. Again.
The hairs on the back of my neck suddenly stood on end, my nerves telling me someone was watching me. Blinking through the blurry haze of angry tears, my body turned cold, locking sights with Cassidy. Stiff with fear as if the grim reaper was on his way to catch me, I remained unmoving, staring at the very man who had chosen those girls over me.
Cassidy subtly widened his eyes, inconspicuously shifted his arms that were crossed in front of his chest, and beckoned at me with a finger.
He wanted me to come to him? While in the middle of flirting with two girls, he wanted me to come over there. Why? What other purpose would that hold than to hurt my feelings even more?
So, I shook my head no.
Cassidy’s jaw knotted as he looked around the girls. His mouth moved as he said something to them and then stepped away from the building. The two cowgirls scurried along in front of him, keeping him in their sights and blocking his path.
Watching this draped shame heavy on my shoulders. I’d been such a coward when that Laura Marie or whatever her name was had flirted with him in front of me, and I was being a coward now. Even though he’d invited me over, asked for me, my response was to remain in the shadows.
My body already ached with resentment toward the two girls who were receiving attention that I wanted. So, why was I shirking away from a little more pain? If I went over there, if I interrupted whatever conversation was happening, planting myself in the middle of their flirting, it would cause my entire soul to shatter into desolation. But was I not already there?
Standing alone, watching two girls go after a man I really had no claim to but wanted, placed me in a lonesome hole dug by my own hands. At least I could confront Cassidy, make him own the anguish that he was causing to roar in my belly if I went over there. Never before had I been in a relationship or felt this nagging desire to go after someone so boldly as I suddenly did now.
Even if this date, this forwardness between the two of us, were to end the moment we were back at the ranch, going over there would maybe show Cassidy that I wasn’t so set in pushing him away. Show him that I knew why he’d backed off like he had, and while I appreciated it, I didn’t want that anymore.
But he was flirting with some girls while on this date with me. It ignited this irrational anger low in my belly.
I was no coward.
Stomping across the grass, I pushed around a group of people as Cassidy’s grin suddenly widened, and he lifted his chin. Nodding in my direction, the two girls spun around and stared at me. Shock crossed both of their faces as I slowed my rather aggressive march. Wait a second… Then their surprise shifted to frustration, and they spun back around just as I neared, close enough I could hear the auburn-haired girl speak.
“You’re here with her?” she asked.
Cassidy nodded. “Like I’ve said, more times than I’d like to admit, yes. I’m on a date. That’s her. And yes, I asked her, not the other way around,” he answered, his voice firm.
“Why her?” the shorter one replied. His gaze met mine as I stopped just outside the triangle.
“Ain’t it obvious?” He tipped his head, a smile crossing his face, and his eyes crinkled with delight. “She’s beautiful and unlike anyone I’ve ever met, with an attitude to match.” My heart softened immediately. His earlier beckoning hadn’t been to cause me more pain, but to firmly establish that he was here with me. That he was proud of being with me. All of that back and forth that delayed me from joining in this conversation had been caused by my own overthinking. Again. That frustration was my own fault.
Both of the girls glanced back at me as Cassidy pushed between the two of them and closed the rest of the distance between us. “Sorry, Goldie,” he said, not looking back. Reaching my side, he slipped an arm around my shoulders. “I know it’s my past choices that make them act like that around me.” I didn’t shirk away as he gently guided us back to the bleachers.
“I promise I didn’t flirt back,” he added.
I pursed my lips. “Sure didn’t look like it,” I grumbled. Even though I believed him, I wasn’t quite ready to give it up. “That’s twice tonight that some girl’s flirted with you, thinking they could.”
“Are you jealous?” He lifted a brow and stopped walking just at the base of the stands.
“No.” I narrowed my gaze, giving him a sideways glance.
He threw his head back laughing. “You are totally jealous.”
“I shouldn’t have to be, though!” I snapped, and he immediately stopped chuckling.
“That’s fair,” he quietly muttered, sighing. That was a bit harsh, I knew that. I was trying to accept his past for what it was and trust that he wasn’t the same man he’d once been, but seeing things in action definitely didn’t help his case. Though, he had blatantly admitted he thought I was beautiful to those two girls and reinforced that he had asked me not the other way around.
“You promise you didn’t respond in any way to make them think they had a chance with you?” I asked.
“Pinky swear,” he quickly answered and raised his gaze back to mine. Lifting a hand, he offered me his finger, and I wrapped mine around it. “Hold on,” he added as we shook on the pledge.
“Hold on, what?” I slipped my finger from his. He snatched my wrist and tugged me toward him, both of his arms wrapped around my waist, planting me firmly against his chest. A soft mewl left my lips, startled by the abrupt movement. But I didn’t fight it. His touch, his breath, his warmth this close to me caged me in with an inability to have any strength to break free. Strength I didn’t fight for.
He was holding me in front of anyone who happened to look our way. His scent of bergamot wafted into my nose, and I involuntarily leaned a little closer to him.
“Are you staking a claim on me?” He tipped his head.
I stared at his eyes, heat rising quickly to my cheeks. “N-N-No,” I stuttered.
“You have feelings for me.”
“No, I do not.” And with that, I shoved against his hold, immediately finding the power I’d been lacking. “Now, let me go before someone else gets the wrong idea.” He sighed as I squirmed and wiggled against his embrace.
“Alright, fine,” he grumbled and let go of me.
Shooting him a playful grin, my hand shot out and found his hat, snatching it right off his head.
And placed it on my own.
His eyes widened, popping out of the sockets as I spun around and skipped toward the bleacher stairs, oblivious to what my actions meant. The thing was, I had no idea where the impulse came from, but flirting with him in a sort of argumentative way seemed to be our thing.
Calloused fingers suddenly wrapped around my wrist, jerking me to a halt just as I reached the base of the steps.
And the reality of what I’d just done rammed into me like a wrecking ball against a brick wall.
Neither of us moved.
I fixed my eyes on the horizon, shock zapping through my veins.
My heart raced like a horse running wild over the plains in my chest. Every ounce of my skin flushed with adrenaline pricking beneath the base of my skin. I’d grown up in this world; I knew what taking his hat and wearing it had just implied. I also knew that Cassidy knew.
Take it off of me, I silently begged. If he did that, then we could just ignore what this meant. If neither of us said anything about it, then everything could go back to how it was before. To me telling him no every time he asked if I had feelings for him. This action went way beyond feelings, way beyond an impulsive kiss or two. It zoomed past every rational step between the beginning, middle, and then adventure of a relationship.
“Goldie,” his voice was low, barely audible as something brushed against my back. Heat filled my body, the anticipation and unknown swirling so thick, nausea cramped in my stomach.
“I don’t know what to think,” he whispered directly next to my ear.
Me neither, I wanted to scream. But I said nothing, because at the same time, I knew what to think. It was an unpremeditated choice to wear his hat, but now that I was…
“You know what you just did, right?” he asked.
My breath shallowed, pressure deepening against my chest.
I nodded once.
“But you told me no to my simple question of whether you had feelings for me or not.” His breath washed warm over my ear, and I could feel his chest rising and falling against my back.
I nodded yes again.
“Well, which is it, Goldie? ’Cause you’re wearing my hat. You actively chose to take it from me and put it on. So, I need to know, do you—”
“It means nothing!” I suddenly screeched, spun around, ripped his hat off of my head, and shoved it against his chest. He stumbled back, catching his felt cowboy hat just as I let go and quickly sprinted away from the bleachers.
I didn’t look back as I rushed around the edge of the stadium, fumbling my way through the parking lot, back to his truck. Once again, I’d left a very confused Cassidy. How long would he really wait for me to figure my feelings out? Okay, so maybe I’d figured them out. But there was more to it, and I was trying, really trying, but he scared me in so many different ways.
It was terrifying to me how safe he felt. Even more frightened by the passion that he seemed to possess. I was afraid by how calm and casual he always seemed, and hated how much I wanted to know exactly who he was and what he wanted in life.
He intimidated me.
No man had ever been so upfront in his feelings for me but also respectful. I was in charge of this entire situation after he’d recognized how overwhelmed I was. There was a huge part of me that didn’t like it. That hated the fact that me, someone with zero experience in how to handle this type of situation, was the one in charge. He seemed like such a natural leader, someone who just always knew what to do and would make sure it got done.
Why couldn’t he take charge now? Or was that exactly what he had just done?
Slapping a hand against my chest, I pounded, urging my lungs to work. Oxygen was needed to clear the befuddlement in my mind. Especially since deep down, I was disappointed with myself for giving his hat back—for ignoring what I’d just done.
Tears slipped down my cheeks. I’d ruined the night. A wonderful night that had me forgetting everything was messed up by my impulsive decision.
Boots crunching across gravel met my ears, and I quickly wiped the tears staining my cheeks away. Glancing up from the dirt, I watched as Cassidy casually sauntered along the path, inching closer to the back of the truck.
His eyes were trained to the ground, and he had his hands stuffed in his pockets. I wasn’t sure what that look on his face was, but it wasn’t what I’d expected. Disappointment had been my first assumption in how he’d feel, but no. He wasn’t bummed out.
Instead, he seemed more confused and…ashamed?
That was what it was. Guilt. But it didn’t seem like he was feeling guilty for what I’d done, but something else entirely.
And I turned away, leaning against the passenger door of his truck. Was I holding him to a past that he shouldn’t have to atone for?
I wanted him. There was no denying that anymore, especially since all these feelings returned after making sure we weren’t spending time together. All of this was so confusing. I wasn’t supposed to have found romance. Not right now, not with everything else going on.
Or maybe that meant this was the perfect time.