24. Este
ESTE
I feel like I’m suffocating in my own tears.
Every day, they’re as fresh as the day I found out Cole had died to save Dom.
I understand now why the sharp-dressed military men at my doorstep didn’t tell me the specifics.
Now that I know how his life ended, I keep picturing it like a bad war movie.
I’m having nightmares every night that end with Cole exploding into a million pieces, so I avoid sleep.
I write. It’s the only thing I can do, and I resist doing something stupid, like killing off my main character for no reason at all. Because I’m living in a hellscape akin to my character’s, and I want to curl up and die.
Reed being at summer camp is the kindest gift life has given me recently.
She’s not here to see me break down again.
In some ways, this is harder than losing Cole because it’s like losing him all over again on top of losing my lover, who had become a constant source of happiness in my life.
I’d long since thought that Cole would support our relationship—he was gone, after all, and at thirty-four, he wouldn’t expect me to be alone forever.
But to be with the man he’d died to protect? Would Cole understand that ?
And then for me to have the damn audacity to be happier with Dom than I ever was with Cole? Now, that was betrayal, and my heart wouldn’t let me stop feeling guilty over it.
Dom couldn’t be the man I was meant to be with. No fair universe could dream up a scenario where my first love had to die for me to meet the greatest love of my life. The last love of my life.
Tears burn my eyes as I lean back in my office chair and wonder what day it is, what time it might be. Grief sits heavy like a stone on my chest.
I’ve stopped participating in life. Mallory made me aware of that this morning before she left for work, along with bringing me a cup of coffee and reminding me it had been four days since I last showered. She’s keeping track.
I write and stare in front of me until Mallory materializes again, announcing, “It’s five o’clock. Have you eaten today?”
I stretch and stand up.
“Get in the shower.” Mallory uses her bossiest voice, and she puts her hands on my back and pushes me toward my bathroom suite. She turns on the water, grabs a towel, and sets it on the hook beside the shower.
She yanks my hair out of my ponytail holder and hands me a brush.I move it through the greasy strands, remove my dress, and climb into the steaming-hot shower.
“Use the shampoo.” Mallory sits beside the shower on the tub as steam whirls around the bathroom. “Get your hair wet and put on the shampoo. Then wash it out.”
I obey her commands, and after what feels like an hour, I finish conditioning my hair and soaping my body. The water turns cool as I rinse and shut off the faucet.
“I don’t want to live without him,” I tell Mallory.
“Which man are you talking about? You only have to live without one of them. Cole is gone. Nothing you do will bring him back. And you know what? He’d die to save Dom a million times over because he did what he thought was right in the moment.
You sit here and self-flagellate like you’ve done something obscene by falling in love again, when Dom is the best thing that ever happened to you.
You love him in a way you never loved Cole, and that’s why you’re acting like this, isn’t it?
Not because Dom is alive, and Cole died to save his life, but because you wouldn’t change Cole’s actions even if you could. Because you love Dominic.”
Mallory slips out of the bathroom, leaving me towel-clad and stunned by her words long after she leaves. I’m not sure how long I sit on the edge of the tub and sob, but daytime turns into nighttime.
I won’t go back to Dom. As much as I—yes, absolutely—love him, I can’t be with the man who survived when my husband, Reed’s father, died, replacing one GI Joe for another.
Finally, I find pajamas and slip them on before I walk out to the kitchen and find Mallory sitting at the table, drinking a glass of bourbon.
“I can’t go back to him,” I tell her.
“Don’t say the word can’ t. The word is won’t .” She sips the amber liquid as she stares off into the distance. “Anyway, dinner’s on the stove.” Mallory finishes her drink and stands up, heading toward the stairs.
“I’m going to sell Holland Creek. I don’t care who takes it, but I certainly don’t want a property that backs up to his. Can’t ever go back into that creek again.”
Mallory knows all about my first time with Dom and the sexy times we’d shared in that creek.
“Running scared” is all she says, clucking her tongue, before she ascends the steps and disappears into the guest room, shutting out the hallway light on her way. After she slams the door, it opens again, and she shouts, “Find someone else to list it!”
I eat my meatball sandwich in silence. Mallory will come around. She’s my best friend. She has to, right?
But her room is quiet all night long, and she’s gone before I even wake up the next morning. When I pour my coffee, I feel more alone than ever before, especially given that Reed isn’t upstairs but several hours away at her volleyball camp.
My phone rings. Lainey. I let it go to voicemail. It rings again, and I grab it with a sigh. “Hey, Lainey.”
“Heyyyy.” She draws out the word. “So. You’re avoiding my calls, and your friend Mallory picked up your phone last week and finally told me why. I’m sorry. Truly sorry you’re going through this.”
The empathy in her voice is clear. “Thank you. But I’m still writing. My work isn’t suffering.”
“No, but you are, and I hate that for you, Plum. You should be celebrating that the words are finally flowing, and your muse has returned to you. Instead, you sound…” She stops to sigh.
“Horrible. Remember when you thought you couldn’t hook up Kai with Liam because he would cramp her style and make her less of a badass?
You didn’t want her to have to rely on Liam. Remember that?”
“I remember.” I hadn’t planned on writing romance, just a tale of friends after the apocalypse.
“Well, you figured it out. You wrote Liam as a supportive character for your main character, Kai. He loves her, but she’s the heroine; she can do without Liam, but she doesn’t want to.
And why should she? He has unique and wonderful qualities, a lovely sense of wit and charm, and he’s strong enough to fight the bad guys.
There’s nothing wrong with having warm arms for Kai to sleep in every night after the end of the world.
There’s something to be said for choosing a complicated love when everything else has gone to shit.
To commit to a charming, witty man who will love you through your own personal apocalypse. ”
I know what she’s trying to do.
“Honey. You’re the main character, and you’re going to be fine with or without this man. You’ll kick all that ass without him, but I have to say, if it hurts this bad, it’s probably love.”
We hang up, and I think back upon the letter Cole had written to Reed.
“I’m just sorry I won’t be there to walk you down the aisle one day, Reilley.
To witness you create your own family, like Este and I did that infamous night at prom.
I’ll always be there in spirit. You’re the best thing that ever happened to either of us, no matter how accidental you were at the time.
Your mother will always do right by you, honey, so please remember to be sweet to her.
When it’s her turn to fall in love again, be her cheerleader.
She deserves the world. People aren’t meant to be alone, especially when they have so much love in their hearts, like your mom does—like you do.
So when you fall in love, jump in with both feet, don’t just dip your toe in to test the temperature.
Be the brave girl you are. Fall in love like you plunge into Holland Creek on the rope swing, with a yell like Tarzan and zero hesitation, and then hold on. ”
I sit in the kitchen, missing Dom with all of my heart and soul. I had jumped in with both feet, as Cole instructed Reed to do, given my whole heart.
When I pushed him away, I thought it was the right thing to do. That Cole could never understand my replacing him with the man he’d lost his life to save. Yet, the more I read Reed’s letter, the more I realize my entire premise was flawed.
Cole wouldn’t be angry with me for falling in love with Dominic Davis, nor would he ever take back his actions that saved Dom’s life that fateful day in the desert. Like Cole said, I fell in love without hesitation, but then I failed—because I forgot to hold on.