Chapter 21
Instead of dreading the long weekend ahead, Kitty woke up on Saturday morning feeling almost happy. She walked to the village to buy bread from Sally-Anne’s bakery, which she hadn’t done for years because of Dave’s gluten intolerance. She might as well make the most of his absence because he vetoed all wheat, claiming his intolerance was airborne. Kitty hadn’t questioned it, but now, as she walked along Sea Road, she wondered quite how severe his intolerance was because once she’d caught him eating a mince pie and often found biscuit wrappers hidden down the side of the sofa.
The bread in Sally-Anne’s smelled properly yeasty, fluffy and gluten-y. Kitty bought a loaf, along with butter and jam.
Her phone beeped. Dave? But… surprisingly, it was Tom. She found herself smiling.
Tom
If you are still trying to fill in time, do you want to come sailing? My friend, Fergal, is taking out his boat and needs a crew. Meeting at the Dún Laoghaire sailing club at 10.30a.m. I’ll ask Shazza as well.
Kitty couldn’t think of a single reason not to go. She did try, valiantly, thinking of her cupboard under the stairs which needed decluttering, or there was the grout in her bathroom tiles which needed scrubbing, and the weekend newspaper she had been going home to read. But going sailing in Dublin Bay was as good as anything to fill in time, wasn’t it?
Kitty
Great! See you then!
The exclamation marks made her sound too desperate, she thought, too eager and too grateful he had taken pity on her. She deleted her message.
Kitty
Sounds good. See you then.
Tom
Great! Bring your swimsuit. We always go for a swim.
Still no text from Dave. Kitty was having a life without him which was not part of the plan. She felt guilty, for some reason, as though she was cheating on their pact. Except it wasn’t their pact. It was his. And, therefore, could it even be classed as cheating?
‘Good morning!’
Kitty looked up to see Edith Waters, aunt of Tom and Rory, standing in front of her.
‘Isn’t it a beautiful summer morning?’ Edith tended to bellow a little, one of those people who were living a life they loved and exuded contentment. ‘I’ve been up with the larks today, saw the sunrise, went for a dip at the Forty Foot with my tribe… and now I feel magnificent!’
‘You look magnificent,’ agreed Kitty.
‘It’s good for the soul is sea swimming…’ Edith tapped her chest. ‘And for the heart… not just for health reasons, but to remind oneself of the important things in life. We need to be connected, do we not?’
Kitty found herself nodding. ‘We do…’ Being connected wasn’t something she’d ever given much thought to. She had friends, she had colleagues, she had relatives, but she had never felt part of anything before.
Edith was still smiling. ‘I hear you’re enjoying the football team…’
‘Yes, I am… I love it…’ And she did, she realised, she really did. Somewhere along the way, from being thwacked in the face to that sense of camaraderie with her teammates, she had started having fun. And it wasn’t about winning or even losing. It was about having a shared goal, a purpose, it was about winning and losing with other people. It was about connecting. It was why as a species we didn’t all live separately or compete on our own. We liked being around each other, learning from others, and sharing ideas, ideals and goals. And she liked her teammates. All of them… including Tom. ‘I’m not very good at it, though…’ she admitted.
Edith peered at her again, in that way she did, which made her look as though she thought you were either dense or daft, or both. ‘But that’s not the point, is it? The point in life is not to be good, it’s to be. Just that. Be.’
‘Be?’
Edith was nodding. ‘Just be. Be you. Be brave. Be big. Be small. Just be. Live. Feel. Breathe. All of it. Be fun. Be serious. All of it. Whatever it is. Just be.’
Kitty thought she understood what Edith was saying. It was entirely the opposite of filling in time. It was about living and getting out there. It was about making each moment count. It was about meaning.
‘I’m going sailing now,’ she said, hoping to impress Edith with her be-ing-ness and that she wasn’t just filling in time on this sunny, summer Saturday. ‘With Tom…’ God. It sounded like a date. ‘I mean, others are going. Shazza obviously… and Tom’s friends…’
‘He’s a wonderful young man.’ Edith smiled. ‘His mother is very proud of him. And Rory, of course. They’ve been through a great deal as a family and… well…’ She stopped speaking for a moment. ‘It hasn’t been easy.’
Kitty nodded. ‘Tom told me,’ she said. ‘I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your nephew…’
Edith pressed her lips together. ‘Well, my job is to support Rosalind and the boys. But I try to work out what we are to learn from such a dreadful thing. There’s not much to learn, it turns out, except that life can be unnecessarily cruel. To Paddy, more than anyone. But loss teaches you a great deal, does it not? When you have lost something you thought was there forever, whatever it is, but worst of all, a person, especially a person you loved deeply, someone you relied on to give your life meaning and shape… well, it takes a long time to reconfigure yourself.’
She looked straight at Kitty as if she knew what Kitty was thinking and what Kitty needed before even Kitty knew it. For a moment, Kitty thought she would just give her life over to Edith, take her advice on anything, and do whatever she told her to.
‘I wish…’ began Kitty. ‘I wish you could tell me what to do… I need someone to tell me how to live. Because, of course, I want to be me… but I’m not sure how.’
Edith laughed. ‘It doesn’t work like that,’ she said. ‘What makes life interesting is knowing it’s a puzzle that you have to work out on your own. Find your own path. There are signs everywhere – you just need to not ignore them.’ She smiled at Kitty. ‘That’s the wonder of being alive, don’t you think?’ She glanced down at Kitty’s bag, with the bread in it. ‘That’s my partner’s bread. Sally-Anne. She’s a wonderful baker… she bakes it with love.’ She smiled again. ‘Goodbye, Kitty. Enjoy your day on the high seas! Give my love to Tom. And remember, live fully, loudly and just be!’ And off she went, full of wisdom, passion and contentment.