Chapter 29
Kitty and Alex spent the whole of Wednesday afternoon going through ideas for Welcome Ireland and throwing most of them out again.
‘Why is it all we can think up are clichés?’ Alex asked. ‘What is wrong with us? I think that man cursed us. It’s like we’ll never be able to come up with anything original again.’
Kitty tried to stay calmer. ‘It’ll be grand,’ she soothed. ‘We’ll come up with something.’
But Alex looked at her as though she’d been microdosing. ‘How can you be so sure? We can’t pitch to Welcome Ireland, in front of those other companies, and deliver only clichés?’
But they might have to, thought Kitty. Either that or pull out.
And then, beside her, there was a sound like a sob.
It was Alex. Tears were rolling down her face, as she leaned down to her bag, digging around for a tissue.
‘Alex?’ Kitty whispered so no one else would hear, although Hughie still had his headphones on, and Mary Rose was yet to return from her meeting. Alex looked up, her eyes red. ‘What’s wrong?’
Alex nodded. ‘Nothing…’ She tried to smile. ‘Just… tired.’
Kitty wheeled over to Alex’s desk. She had never seen Alex show this kind of emotion before. ‘Are you still upset about that man saying something was missing?’
‘Of course not! Jesus! That eejit. No!’ For a moment, there was a flash of the usual Alex, as indignation pushed through the tears.
‘So why are you crying?’
‘I’m not crying,’ insisted Alex. ‘Well…’ she relented, ‘I am crying, but it’s just personal… it’s because… I’ve been stupid, that’s what. Really stupid and I hate myself.’ She smiled tightly. ‘Have you ever done anything that you can’t forgive yourself for? It feels excruciating… I don’t know what to do… I can’t make it better.’ She dabbed her tissue at the edges of her eyes. ‘I just…’ she began just as Mary Rose came back into the office.
‘I’ve just been at a meeting with Mr Mulligan and Ben O’Leary,’ said Mary Rose, who seemed preoccupied and didn’t notice Alex quickly giving herself a small shake, widening her eyes and trying to look normal. ‘They were asking how we were going with the Welcome Ireland pitch, and I said I wasn’t sure…’ She looked at Alex and Kitty.
Hughie had pulled off his headphones and shrugged in response.
‘We have something,’ said Kitty, glancing at Alex. ‘And we like it…’
‘But you don’t love it?’ Mary Rose paused. ‘Because I think that if we don’t love it, then we’ll pull out…’
‘But that means you won’t get your probation,’ said Kitty.
There was a knock on the office door and Ben O’Leary poked his head around. ‘Hello, ladies,’ he said, flashing a big smile. He looked around the room, blankly, as though trying to remember everyone’s names. ‘Hello… people.’ He hesitated for a moment. ‘Mary Rose, the invoices? Remember to send them to me?’ His gaze alighted on Alex, as though spotting her for the first time. ‘Ah, Alex… could I see you for a moment? Won’t take long.’
But Alex didn’t move.
‘Alex?’ He tried again. ‘Just a quick chat… about the thing we talked about the other day? Your contract? Yes, your contract…’
Alex clicked her mouse, swirling her cursor around the screen.
‘Alex?’ He tried again, but then Mary Rose stood up.
‘I think that Alex is too busy for a chat at the moment.’ She smiled at him. ‘If you don’t mind. And we’re all in the middle of our pitch for Welcome Ireland, so very, very busy…’
He blinked at her, his mouth opening and closing, and for the first time, Kitty saw beyond the expensive suit and the silk tie and the big hair… he was actually quite ordinary, just someone with buckets of confidence and an amazing orthodontist.
‘Yes, yes, of course,’ he said. ‘I just wanted to sort something out…’ He looked pointedly again at Alex, who still didn’t move a muscle. ‘But it can wait… of course, it can wait.’ Finally, Ben O’Leary retreated.
No one spoke. Hughie’s eyes were like saucers as he and Kitty looked at each other.
Alex cleared her throat. ‘I am sure you’ve all guessed what has been going on…’
‘You don’t need to tell us anything,’ Mary Rose said, moving towards her. ‘Just as long as you’re okay…’
But Alex started crying again. ‘Don’t be nice to me,’ she said. ‘Whatever you do, don’t be nice to me… I don’t deserve it, so it’s best if you don’t start now…’
Mary Rose had an arm around her. ‘I’m not going to stop,’ she said, as Hughie and Kitty hovered at Alex’s desk.
Alex looked up at Mary Rose. ‘Did you know?’
Mary Rose nodded. ‘I guessed. And there were rumours.’
‘Did you know?’ mouthed Hughie to Kitty.
She shrugged, but it was falling into place that Alex had been having some kind of fling with Ben O’Leary… who was married and had just had a baby.
‘It’s been terrible,’ said Alex. ‘I didn’t think it through… I was selfish and thought only of myself… and then his wife confronted me. I was just coming home and there she was, sitting on the step outside my house… looking furious… not that I blame her. And she had her baby with her. In a sling. I could just see his head, in a little hat. And seeing her… and the baby… I felt the worst I could possibly feel, I regretted everything. Everything. How had I allowed it to happen? I walked towards her, knowing I had to face my own failure, my stupidity, my vanity…’ Alex was still crying, the tears rolling down her face.
‘I think you should go home,’ said Mary Rose. ‘Take some time off and return when you have recovered… I’ll square it with HR, don’t worry.’
They helped Alex gather up her things and walked her down the emergency stairs, just in case Ben O’Leary intercepted her on the way out, before waving her off and watching as she made her way down Merrion Street.
‘And the moral is,’ said Mary Rose, as they walked back to the office, ‘never, ever rely on someone else for your self-esteem.’
Hughie was nodding. ‘Mine is rock-bottom at the moment, but I refuse to be involved with someone until I gather my own strength again.’
‘Kitty?’ said Mary Rose. ‘You may have to do the pitch on your own? Think you can manage?’
Kitty thought of her mother, and how courageous she was. She would call in to see her on her way home. ‘Of course,’ Kitty said, sounding braver than she felt. ‘It will all be fine.’ But don’t expect us to win, she thought.