Chapter 17
17
Valerie
Breath control .
A rush of heat races down my skin, my breath catching as the memories and fantasies collide and flood my senses. I can think of a perfect use for those new skills—
What the fuck is he trying to do to me?
Last night already brought us closer than ever, and flirting is one thing…but if Caleb keeps this up, I might explode here right on the beach.
As if he didn’t just ruin me with two words, Caleb puts his hands in his pockets, casually leaning around the tall people in front of us to peruse the menu. I laugh nervously and follow his lead, trying to school my features into nonchalance.
It doesn’t take long to order, and after we get our food, we make our way to the stretch of beach where they’ve set up a drive-in style screen and rows of chairs. Caleb guides me to a little section toward the back. We’ll definitely be seen, but hopefully back here we won’t be too disruptive. At least we’re not the biggest names here: I wave at an actor I recognize from Young Sherlock with his model boyfriend, and Caleb pauses so we can greet one of the members of Jude, an all-sister indie folk trio that just started gaining some traction during our last couple of years on the scene.
Finally, we make our way to our seats and set out our meals as the movie begins, the first few bars of “One Week” filling me with the usual joy. But I can hardly savor the food or the film, because Caleb Sloane is distracting as hell.
I knew this night would mean more nostalgia, wading through memories and trying to make sense of this new dynamic between us—what it is, what it isn’t, what it could be if we just let go.
I do my best to watch the movie and enjoy my food. But I can’t stop watching Caleb. He’s trying to play it cool, staring pointedly at the screen, but every so often, I catch him looking over at me. Every time our eyes lock, a new rush of heat pools deep in my belly.
Logically, I know this was all supposed to be just for the cameras, but my body didn’t get the memo. Being near Caleb already makes me think about being with him, especially after sharing a bed. But now I’m thinking about how he could demonstrate that breath control .
Caleb was my first, well, everything, and he was always enthusiastic and eager to please when it came to sex. But we were also young and fumbling and inexperienced. We got better, but now I wonder what else he’s learned in the time since we were together.
I’ve learned a few things too.
Goddamn it.
I hate myself for even going down this mental road, but I can’t help it: I’m desperate to know what twenty-eight-year-old Caleb is like in bed. It’d be one thing if we could just go back to the hotel, hook up, and get it out of our systems, but I don’t just want a one-night thing with him. It could never just be that.
Our sexual relationship was always a part of our deeper connection, and even all these years apart can’t change that.
But god. I still want him. I don’t know if it’s fair, but I’m not going to survive this summer if I don’t at least tell him what I’m thinking. He has to know where my head is at. That doesn’t mean I’m just going to say it out of the blue.
The movie finishes, and even though it’s the best, I barely catch any of my favorite scenes. I managed to calm myself down enough to watch Heath Ledger serenading Julia Stiles with a full marching band, because that’s a classic rom-com moment that can’t be ignored, but I’m still distracted after the credits roll. After a few more hellos to the people sitting around us, we recycle our dinnerware and head back over to the food trucks.
“Dessert?” Caleb asks.
“Always.”
He buys us strawberry-champagne cake pops from the cupcake truck, and we wander down to the ocean, taking our shoes off to pad through the deep sand. We wander past a casual volleyball game and a family chasing a kite, but no one pays us any mind. As if in silent agreement, his hand finds mine, and our fingers lace together like they’re coming back home.
The sun is setting, and it casts everything in a warm glow—the glittering waves, the sand, Caleb . He looks like a summer dream like this, ever the rock star in black jeans and a cutoff tee, his waves tousled with just the right amount of product. He might have walked away from this life, but it still looks good on him.
My phone buzzes, and I use my free hand to pull up a text from Wade. It’s a link to Mary Kate’s article, which went up impressively fast.
Wade: Good job, kid. My contact at The Network sent this to me with high praise. It’s working.
Tonight has banished a lot of the anxiety from the forefront of my brain, but still, relief floods my chest at the news. I tilt my phone to Caleb, and the corners of his lips tug up in a soft smile.
“Hey, that’s great.” He squeezes my hand, and my shoulders relax at the reassurance.
“Do you think this is crazy, bringing the band back together?” I ask, turning to face him.
Caleb goes silent. For a moment, the only sound between us is the rumble of crashing waves. “I think that’s more of a question for you than me.”
“This affects you too, though,” I say, releasing a long breath.
A breeze kicks up, tossing a lock of hair around my face, and Caleb reaches over with his free hand to tuck the strands behind my ear. I lean into his touch. “I thought I was perfectly content staying away, but I didn’t realize what I was missing…” he trails off, staring at something in the distance.
“Really?” Hope tingles deep in my chest. I know we just got promising news on the Epic Theme Song front, but the show feels so far away when I’m doing what I really love again. I’m just scared everything I love has an expiration date. The show could get canceled tomorrow. The Glitter Bats could finish the concert and never see one another again.
“But, even more importantly”—he clears his throat—“I didn’t realize how much I needed you .”
Heat floods my cheeks. “Oh,” I say, because I don’t know what else there is to say. I force myself to look at him, the sunset casting a warm glow on his shoulders that makes his beauty almost impossible to face head-on. And the way he’s looking at me…it sears right to my core.
But it’s terrifying to be on the edge of something again. What if we jump, only to crash to the ground?
“So…do you think it’s crazy to bring the band back together?” Caleb asks, shaking me out of my thoughts.
I don’t know. I tug gently on his hand, and we continue walking down the beach. People are still out, but they mostly keep to themselves, tossing Frisbees, playing with dogs, corralling children. As we wander farther from the pier, it almost feels like we’re alone.
I know we’re not. We’re out in public together tonight, and there could be photographers around. But in this moment, I let myself pretend it’s just me and Caleb, and the rest of the world falls away.
“I originally planned all of this to try to save Epic Theme Song . I’m not proud of it, but we all know that’s the truth. We still haven’t heard anything concrete from The Network, and I don’t know what else to do. That interview with Mary Kate was my desperate last attempt to set the record straight.” I sigh. “And I don’t know what will happen to my career if they pull the plug. I haven’t booked any auditions. Everyone wants a Glitter Bats album, not a Valerie Quinn album. If this renewal doesn’t happen…I think it’s over for me.”
After I admit that terrifying truth, we walk in silence, hand in hand. It’s funny how speaking your fears out loud can make them less scary. I trust Caleb implicitly with the hard things, even now, because I know he’ll hold them with gentle care.
“Can I ask you something?” he asks, finally.
“Of course.” I let go of his hand and cross my arms, suddenly feeling nervous.
“Why do you want this life so much when it makes you so miserable?”
I stare down at my toes in the sand, the coarse, rough grains having already chipped away at my purple pedicure. Because that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? It’s definitely one I’ve been hiding from for months, years, maybe since the day he left. I used to think I knew the answer—that I wanted to share my music with the world. But even that rings false when the thing I’m fighting for the most is a TV show. I love Epic Theme Song , but it’s also the source of a lot of fear and anxiety and self-doubt.
In the end, it always comes back to him.
“I think I’ve been chasing the feeling of how it was with you, leading the band before it all fell apart.”
He opens his mouth to interrupt. “Val—”
“No,” I hurry to stop him. “I’m not expecting anything from you. I just always think if I find the right opportunity, it’ll feel that way again. But it never does—or, at least, it didn’t until you came back. Being the Glitter Bats again just made me realize how everything else isn’t quite as satisfying.” Now that I’ve started speaking this truth into the salt air, I can’t stop. My gaze locks onto his, and I take a breath, steadying myself. “I feel like I’m so close to having everything I ever wanted. You’re all I ever wanted. And I know you might not feel the same way, and even if you did, I can’t possibly ask you to come back…”
He puts a steadying hand on my wrist, and I let him tug me out of my posture, linking our fingers together. His eyes are soft, solemn, and it twists something deep in my chest.
“Val.”
My heart is in my throat. He hasn’t called me Val in years, and I know what that means. He’s going to reject me as kindly as possible, and then I will just try to survive being this close to him for another few weeks.
I can handle that. It’s fine.
But instead of pulling away, he tugs me closer, reaching for my other hand so we’re standing across from each other on the damp sand. Here, we’re not the lead singers of the Glitter Bats. We’re just Caleb and Valerie, two people staring into each other’s eyes for the thousandth time and seeing the thing we’ve been searching for.
“I never stopped caring about you. Not for a day. Not even a minute,” he says. “Ever since last night, I’ve been losing my goddamn mind. It’s like all of those feelings broke through a dam, and if I don’t get to touch you again, I might explode.”
I think he’s going to kiss me then, but he doesn’t. He steps closer, so there’s nothing more than a breath between us. I can feel the heat of him through his tee, can feel the hard edges of his muscle and the careful surety of his fingers twined in mine. “But I’m afraid of what this will mean,” he whispers, like it’s a secret.
“Me too,” I admit. “But I’m more afraid of spending another day wondering what it will mean if we don’t.”
“ Val— ”
Seizing a spark of bravery, I smirk up at him. “Kiss me, Sloane. I dare you.”
A fire sparks in his green eyes, and then he’s grabbing my face in his hands and drawing my mouth to his, right in the middle of this very public beach.
Our first kiss all those years ago was shy and tentative, but this is nothing like that. This is open-mouthed and delicious and a little desperate. It’s familiar, picking up right where we left off, but it’s also a balm, soothing the burn of the years we spent apart.
He tastes like sugar from the frosting and salt from the breeze and him , and I didn’t realize what a craving I had until this very moment.
Caleb kisses me like I’m the perfect harmony to every melody he’s written. Like we are blank pages waiting to be written into songs, and our kisses are the ink.
I slip my arms around his waist, and he groans, deepening the kiss. All I want to do is get lost in him under the peach and lavender sky, to get close enough that there’s nothing between us but lips and hands and skin.
But we’re not alone. “Caleb, Valerie, over here!” someone shouts, and we break apart to see a telephoto lens across the sand dune.
I bite my lip, glancing up at him, afraid of how he’ll react, but he just laughs. “Well, that was inevitable.”
And the thing is, it really was. All of this pretending, playing up our connection—that was all just pretense. It feels like fate brought us together again.
We go together. It just makes sense. Any time spent fighting that was a waste.