Chapter 28
Allison paced the length of her bedroom, then turned and walked the other way. She told herself she was fine, to keep breathing. She was imagining what was happening. She wasn’t feeling any pain and she certainly wasn’t in labor. She still had two weeks to go.
“Relax,” she whispered as she walked, ignoring the cramping in her back. “I’m fine. It’s a false alarm.”
She put her hands on her belly. “Stay in there, little girl. You need time to grow more. I know two weeks doesn’t seem like much, but every day is important. Not yet. Not yet.”
She had more to say but a contraction claimed her, reaching across her belly and nearly making her cry. She sank onto the bed and did her best to breathe through it.
“No,” she whispered when she could speak again. “You can’t come early. You can’t.”
“You’ve been quiet since you arrived,” Killion said as he minced a shallot.
“Have I?” Erica ran her fingers up and down the stem of the cosmopolitan he’d made for her that she had yet to taste. “I don’t mean to be. Tell me about your day.”
Because getting him to talk was a whole lot easier than trying to explain what was happening in her head. Normally she was so calm and rational. She thought things through, made plans. She used logic and experience, and if she didn’t feel comfortable with her own knowledge, she hired experts. She was cool, calm and always in control. Until two nights ago when her daughter had oh so casually announced that Killion would make a great stepfather and Erica should marry him.
Since then, she’d thought of little else. The horror of it had started small but it consumed her now to the point where she was nearly frantic. Love? Love? No. Not her, not ever. She’d loved Peter and look what had happened. He’d hurt her more deeply than she had known possible. Worse, she hadn’t seen it coming. She’d been happy and in love and planning the rest of their lives together when he’d already been gone.
She’d been a fool, which she could accept, but she’d also been devastated, which she wouldn’t allow to happen again.
“I heard from Cari,” Killion said, drawing her back to the conversation.
Erica struggled to place the name. “Your youngest?”
“Yes. She and her partner, Melonie, are planning a trip to Seattle. I thought it would be a good time for us all to get together.”
Yes, the infamous and frightening I’d like you to meet my daughters. Scary then and even more terrifying now.
Some of what he said sunk in. “Is Melonie a woman?” Because these days, one was never sure.
“She is.”
“You never said your youngest daughter was a lesbian.”
He used his knife to push the shallots into a small bowl. “I never said my oldest daughter was straight, either.”
“Fair enough.”
His gaze settled on her face. “Is that a problem? The lesbian thing?”
“What? God, no. Love is love.”
Honestly his daughter’s sexual preferences had absolutely nothing to do with any of her problems. She could be involved in some dinosaur romance for all Erica cared. Which apparently was a thing in the erotic world. She’d stumbled on one by accident, browsing on her e-reader. The sample she’d read had possibly scarred her for life.
Which was neither relevant nor the point but was instead an example of how undisciplined her brain was right now. She needed to deal with what was wrong so she could start acting and thinking normally again.
She picked up her drink, put it down untasted, then looked at Killion.
“I’m not in love with you and we’re not getting married.”
Nothing about his expression changed as his dark green gaze met hers. “So we’re done talking about my daughters and getting together for brunch.”
“Apparently.”
He wiped his hands on a towel. They were in his kitchen, the island between them. Erica appreciated the physical barrier—in some strange way, it made her feel more secure. Not that she was afraid of Killion. Of the two of them, she knew she was the more emotionally dangerous.
“I don’t recall proposing and I’ve never told you I love you,” he said, his voice calm and reasonable. “What brought on your announcement?”
She felt her face flushing. “Several things. Mostly Summer. The other night she mentioned she thought you would be a good stepfather and that we should get married.” Erica paused. “Actually she asked me if she was the reason we weren’t married.”
“I hope you explained that marriage was never on the table for us. Neither of us needs the financial connection and socially, there isn’t a reason. You enjoy your independence.”
“Don’t you enjoy yours? Are you saying this is all on me? That if it were up to you we’d be married and then what? Sharing a house? Having more children? That’s not happening. I’m forty-eight years old. I’m not interested in having more children.”
“Why are you angry?”
His voice was so calm and reasonable, which made her want to throw something.
“I’m not. I’m telling you where I am. I don’t want to marry you. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings.”
He studied her, as if trying to figure out what was going on. She hoped he didn’t ask, because she didn’t have any answers. She understood she was overreacting. Killion had never proposed or even hinted he wanted more—so why was she so mad at him? But logic ended there. While her brain continued to process and point out she was making a fool of herself, every other part of her was six emotions past terrified. She lashed out to protect herself. She wanted to throw something at his head, then bolt for safety.
“Are you afraid you’re in love with me, or could be?” he asked.
He sounded more curious than concerned, which should have made her feel better but didn’t.
“I want to say you’ll be safe if you love me,” he continued. “I would do my best never to hurt you, but being that close to someone means the hurts are inevitable. Signals get crossed or misread. Emotions bump into each other in the night. There’s pain.
“I wouldn’t leave you,” he added, again as calmly as if discussing adding capers to the sauce. “I’ve often thought the suddenness of Peter going was as much a part of what damaged you as the pain of it. He was cruel and he knew how to hurt you where it wouldn’t show.”
The flush returned, deeper this time. “You don’t know that. I never told you the details.”
“I know enough to guess the rest.”
“I wasn’t damaged.”
“We’re all damaged. For what it’s worth, you would hurt me, as well. It happens. But we would talk about it, learn from the experience and do better. When it’s good between people, that’s what they do.”
He continued to watch her. “I am in love with you, by the way. In case it matters.”
If she’d been capable of speech, she would have shrieked. Or screamed. As it was, she could only stand there, probably not breathing, telling herself he hadn’t just said what he said.
“You just went completely white. Not the sign I was hoping for.”
Sadness flashed in his beautiful eyes and then there was no emotion at all. She would guess he’d retreated somewhere safe because Killion knew her as well as she knew herself and he could guess what she was going to say next.
“Don’t,” she breathed. “Don’t love me. I don’t want that. I want what we had. It was nice, but not important. We were convenient and we got along and nothing about our relationship mattered.”
He stiffened slightly, as if the words wounded, but she couldn’t deal with that. Or him. Or anything.
“There’s no love,” she said. “And now everything’s ruined. I can’t be with you anymore.” She turned, searching for her handbag. It was where she always left it—on the small desk by the pantry.
She ran toward it, circling around to avoid Killion, but he didn’t try to stop her. Instead he watched her with unreadable eyes. She had a brief thought she was being cruel, that later she would regret her words and her actions, but the need to escape was too strong for her to listen to her better angels.
She was halfway to her car when her phone buzzed with an incoming text. She almost didn’t look at the screen—whatever he had to say, she didn’t want to listen. But the text wasn’t from Killion at all.
Allison’s in labor. Meet us at the hospital.
Erica stared at the message. “But she’s not due for two weeks. This is too early.”
Which was a stupid thing to say. The baby was coming now and Allison needed her.
On my way, she texted before driving away without once looking back.
Erica shoved the bag of tennis balls behind Allison’s back.
“Better?” she asked.
“No.”
The pathetic, nearly mewing sound of Allison’s voice worried Erica a whole lot more than the early labor. The pregnant mom-to-be had mostly been crying since Erica had arrived, barely responding to questions and not reacting to much of anything except when a contraction caused her body to arch as if she were being electrocuted.
According to the medical staff, her vitals were acceptable and she was progressing normally, albeit slowly.
Erica had arrived to find her mom with Allison as she was being admitted to the hospital. Allison had been pale and shaking, moaning that it was too soon. The baby couldn’t come this soon.
Erica had taken charge, announcing that she was the birthing coach and getting Allison through the tedious paperwork she should have already filled out but hadn’t.
“You should have taken your imminent delivery date more seriously,” she said as she pointed to yet another place for Allison to sign.
“I’m taking it seriously now,” Allison had snapped before straining against a contraction.
Once she’d been admitted, Erica had asked Mara to bring her more comfortable shoes, a pair of yoga pants and a couple of T-shirts. At the rate Allison wasn’t dilating, she could be here for a while.
Five hours later, the two of them were still in the labor room, waiting for Baby Bethany to make her appearance.
“I have ice chips,” Erica said, trying to sound upbeat and cheerful.
Allison lay on her side, her back to Erica. “Go away, leave me alone.”
“Not happening. You’re stuck with me. Once you pop out that kid, I’m outta here, so if you really don’t want me around, then that should be an incentive to move things along.”
“I can’t do this,” Allison whispered.
Erica walked around the bed to face her. “What can’t you do?”
Tears leaked out of her tightly closed eyes. “Have this baby.”
“All evidence to the contrary? What’s going on with you? I know things suck but you’ve always been excited about Bethany. She’s going to be your little girl. You love her.”
Allison’s eyes opened and she half sat up. “This is my fault. She’s early because of the stress. What if something’s wrong? I did that to her. Me! I’m her mother and I’ve already hurt her.”
Erica had tried being nice. Maybe it was time for a little tough love. “Stop whining. You heard the doctor when she was in here before. She said Bethany’s heart rate is strong and she’s not in any distress. There’s no reason to think there’s a problem, so let’s not create one. You’re in labor. Like it or not, you’re having that baby tonight if I have to dig in there myself and pull her out.”
Allison glared at her. “You’re not putting your hands anywhere near my girl parts.”
“It’s not like I want to, but one of us has to be the grown-up here and it sure as hell isn’t you.”
“What happened to compassion?”
“You’ve annoyed it right out of me.”
Allison struggled into a sitting position. “You have no right to act like this. Your life is perfect. Fucking perfect. You have everything. I’m homeless and pregnant and my husband’s in jail where he’s going to stay for a long time.”
Her voice rose with every word. “He’s not here. He’s not here! He’s supposed to be with me and he’s not and I don’t know when he’s going to see his daughter. He did horrible things and he broke me.”
Allison covered her face with her hands and began to sob. “He broke me,” she repeated. “There’s nothing left.”
With that she collapsed on the bed and turned away. Another contraction ripped through her, causing her to gasp and writhe, but she didn’t cry out.
Erica stared at her friend. She was at a genuine loss as to how to deal with what Allison was going through. Obviously everything had hit her at once and having the baby come early had pushed her over the edge. So what was the solution? Loving support or yet more tough love?
She circled the bed and pulled up a chair, then got in Allison’s face.
“Don’t you dare say he broke you,” she said, her voice soft but forceful. “Don’t you dare. He doesn’t get to break you. He’s a weak, cowardly asshole who fooled both of us. You didn’t do anything wrong. All this is on him. All of it. But you know what? You’re going to get through it because you’re strong, you’re smart and you’re not going to let that poor excuse of a man mess up your life. You have two babies who need you and you’re not going to let them down, either.”
Erica took her hand and squeezed her fingers. “I’m right here and I swear to God, I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens, I’m here. We’ll figure it out as we go. First, you need to deliver Bethany. The rest of it will take care of itself.”
More tears spilled onto her blotchy cheeks. “What if she’s not okay?”
“Then we’ll deal with that. Both of us. You and me. Honestly, is there anything you think I can’t do?”
That earned her a faint smile. “You’re not that spectacular in the kitchen.”
Another contraction claimed her. Allison whimpered as she squeezed Erica’s hand hard enough to snap bone.
“I would think the epidural would be working by now,” Erica muttered when the contraction passed and she could pull her hand away and massage it.
“I think it is. This is just the extra pain.”
“Yet another reason I’m glad I stopped with just the one kid.”
Allison stared at her. “I’m so scared.”
“I know and I’m right here. Even when you’re pushing out poop and other gross things, I’ll be telling you what to do and staying through it all.”
“I miss him, which makes me a fool, but I do.”
Erica was less sure what to say to that. “You’re going to have quite the story to share with him when you finally see him.” She touched Allison’s head. “It’s going to be all right. I promise.”
“I’m holding you to that.”
“You should. I’m someone you can count on.”
Allison shuffled down the corridor toward the NICU. She was sore, she was exhausted and she was alone. After Bethany had been born, when the doctor on duty had assured them that while the newborn would need a couple of days of extra care, all signs were good and she should be going home in about seventy-two hours, Allison had insisted Erica leave and get some sleep. Erica, being Erica, had protested, but had finally agreed with the understanding she would be back in a few hours.
Allison had tried to rest herself, but she was on call for feedings every two hours. She was going to try to get Bethany to breastfeed, but if that didn’t work, she would pump her breast milk so her baby girl had the best start to her new life.
She stepped into the entrance to the NICU and smiled wearily at the nurse.
“Reporting for duty,” she said lightly.
“Right on time.”
The nurse got Allison settled in a large, comfortable padded chair with big arms to offer support. Bethany was brought over. She looked good, with plenty of color and a shock of brown hair. She was getting oxygen and being kept warm, but other than the monitors attached to her, she looked like any normal, albeit small, newborn.
The nurse pulled several curtains so Allison had privacy as she opened her robe, exposing her left breast. She settled Bethany in her arm, shifting her so they were skin-on-skin.
“Let’s see if we can get her to latch on,” the nurse said quietly. “If not, you can pump, so there’s no pressure.”
Allison nodded as she moved her breast so her nipple was by her daughter’s tiny mouth. She stroked her cheek, then tickled the corner of her mouth.
“Come on, sweetie,” she whispered. “Aren’t you hungry?”
She knew there was milk. Her breasts were full and ached. She kept encouraging Bethany to start nursing, blowing softly on the top of her head, then offering her her nipple again. Finally the baby’s tiny mouth parted. Allison eased her nipple inside and waited. Seconds later she felt the first tug.
“She’s doing it,” she whispered, looking at the nurse. “She’s nursing.”
“Excellent. Keep her on that breast until she stops, then switch her to the other side. She may not latch on twice, but she’s getting something, which is great. Right now her stomach is about the size of a cherry, so don’t worry about volume. When she’s done, you can pump the rest. Her stomach will get bigger over the next few days. Within a couple of weeks, you’ll figure out how long it takes her to nurse. Some babies need thirty minutes, others are done in fifteen. As long as she’s growing and putting on weight as we expect, then you’re doing great. If you start to have trouble, we have lactation resources.”
The nurse smiled. “That’s enough for now. I’ll check back in a few.”
She left Allison with her baby. Bethany continued to breastfeed for several more minutes. Allison watched her, feeling love fill every cell in her body. What had seemed so hopeless a few hours ago was now possible. Bethany had been born and she was going to be all right.
“You have a big brother,” she whispered, stroking her daughter’s cheek. “His name is Jackson and he’s very excited to meet you. He’s with Grandma Mara right now.”
The older woman had promised to look after him until Allison was home. Summer was pitching in, as well. Erica would also be there. Erica who had bullied and cajoled and supported Allison through one of the roughest days of her life.
“You’re going to meet Erica,” she continued, her voice soft. “And Summer, and you’re going to love them so much. They’re good people with big hearts.”
Tears burned, but she blinked them away. “Your daddy can’t be with us. He’s in jail because it turns out he’s a bad man. I’m sorry about that. I know it makes for a more difficult start. The thing is, I didn’t know him at all. The man I fell in love with was so different. Kind and gentle and caring. He rescued me and allowed me to believe in love again. I trusted him and he betrayed all of us.”
She wanted to say he’d broken her, but Erica was right. She was a little shattered, but she wasn’t broken. She would heal from all this and be stronger than she had been before. Oh, there would be scars—she would be a lot less trusting and a lot more wary, but maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.
Bethany drew back a little and looked at her.
“All done with that one? Let’s try the other side.”
She shifted her newborn carefully and got Bethany in position. Her baby immediately latched on to her breast and sucked hard.
“You’re hungry, huh? That’s good.”
She closed her eyes and told herself she would sleep soon. Maybe just for an hour, but at least it was something. For a second she allowed herself to pretend that she wasn’t holding Peter’s baby. That Levi stood right outside the door, watching her, thrilled that they had the baby they’d always wanted.
If only, she thought, then shook her head. No if only. Levi was gone, taken by a cruel quirk of DNA, and he was never coming back. She had to stay in the real world. She had her kids to take care of and a life to start over. She might not have Levi anymore and she still had to deal with Peter, but she wasn’t alone. She had a family and she knew that no matter what, they would be there for her.