Chapter 32 Rachel
Currently playing: Be My Baby by The Ronettes
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Adam’s mom texted me this morning, asking if I could attend dinner tonight. I wasn’t sure whether it was meant to be a compliment or not, but I was taking it as one. It made me initially wonder if she was asking on behalf of Layla or Adam. If anyone was going to find out about us being friends in that family, it would be her. She had this creepy, stealthy instinct that let her look into your brain directly. That or she could predict the future entirely. I hadn’t figured out which yet. It shouldn’t have mattered, really. Since we were just friends, but still, Adam and I had this unspoken agreement that whatever we had going on stayed between us. Neither of us strictly said it, but also, neither of us mentioned knowing each other previously to his family. Felt like it would…burst our friendship bubble I guess? The risk that Layla was an important shared connection to us both and if anything were to go south for us, the results would be unbearable.
Either way, pulling into the driveway full of cars and seeing Adam’s bike to the side lit a spark in me, my pulse racing and fingers itching to turn off the car and run inside.
Stepping inside, I was greeted with a variety of hellos, the loudest being from Crew, who had two Star Wars–themed oven mitts on and was pulling something that smelled delicious out of the oven. I said a quick hello back as my eyes immediately searched for Adam. Maybe I should have texted him that I was coming here. At least to give some form of a heads-up. But we hadn’t truly talked much since he’d come over after the store sold. I think we were both a little anxious about not knowing what exactly was happening here.
I locked eyes with Adam across the room, where he was sitting at the dining table with his dad, Calla, and Nathan. He glanced down at my overalls and back up. By the hint of heat in his eyes, you would think I was wearing something more provocative and not denim on top of my dad’s old Jimi Hendrix tee.
“Hey, Rach. Come sit next to me.” Calla patted the chair beside her, and I slipped into it.
“We were just talking about one of the guys at my work. He’s a new player.”
I nodded along, though I had no interest in baseball players in the slightest as long as Adam was staring at me across the table. Calla went on, telling the table about the guy, but my eyes were locked on Adam’s. The slight curve of his dimple began to dip in as he smirked at me. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was. That no one here had any clue how close we were. How much he meant to me. How we’d kissed behind closed doors and how, in the grand scheme of life, a few tiny—okay, not-so-tiny—kisses shouldn’t be that impactful, but they were.
“Rachel?” Calla elbowed my side, and I looked over.
“Huh?”
“So, are you single?” She raised her brows.
Everyone at the table was staring back at me, waiting for a reply I didn’t have. Was I single? Truly? Adam’s jaw clenched across from me. No. I wasn’t, right? But then again, we weren’t together either. Things felt…open, I guessed. The thought of Adam going on any sort of date had me wanting to stab an imaginary woman, so I could only imagine he must have felt the same back.
“Um.” I kept my eyes on him, waiting for any kind of direction. If I said I wasn’t single, questions were bound to arise. Questions like who and when and why had I never heard of this before? But if I said I was indeed available, where did that leave Adam and me?
“I’m not looking for anything” is what I settled on.
Calla’s shoulders slumped. “That’s a shame. He’s a great guy. He takes his golden retriever to work sometimes. A real cutie.” She leaned into me, talking through the side of her mouth. “Not just the dog, you know.”
Nathan crossed his arms beside her and then shrugged. “You know, I can’t even be jealous of that one. He is a cutie.”
I looked back to Adam, but this time, he wasn’t looking at me. His hands were typing away at his phone, a harsh line forming between his brows.
Layla walked into the room, carrying multiple glasses of water, with her husband trailing behind her. “My Rachel doesn’t date. Not really.” She plopped into the seat next to me, handing out glasses to each of us. “Not seriously. She’s got a lot going on.”
It was true. My life was chaotic. The store, my dad, my familial history, financial struggles, you name it. But somehow that didn’t deter me or Adam from each other.
The conversation continued around us as my phone buzzed in my lap. I dipped my chin to read the incoming text.
Adam: You could have said yes.
My eyebrows knit together, something heavy and unsatisfying sitting at the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to say yes. I didn’t want him to want me to say yes. I wanted him to stand here and now and tell me that we were more than friends. That I wasn’t single, because although we couldn’t label this relationship right now, I was still his.
It hurt, honestly. This was a different kind of hurt than I was used to. You expected people closest to you to disappoint you from time to time. You never expect them to cast you aside, though.
Maybe I will next time.
Adam coughed across from me, but I kept my eyes down.
I didn’t like miscommunication. I didn’t like the thought of leaving here tonight and having no idea where this left us. So whether I was going to get a harsh answer or not, dang it, I was asking the question.
Is that what you want?
Adam: No. But I don’t like the thought of holding you back from something you want either.
Then tell me what this is.
He didn’t respond, which was answer enough for me. It shouldn’t have angered me as much as it did, but oh well. I’d never been entirely rational before. If roles were reversed and someone tried to set him up, without a doubt, at the very least, I would have begged him in private not to go. Or maybe I would have moved to his side of the table and clung to him like a koala, chanting mine over and over again.
Mama B and Crew turned the corner with trays of food, setting them down around us.
I wanted to smile and say thank you. I wanted to appreciate the good people around me and the quality time I had tonight, and yet I was so ridiculously stuck on a mostly silent conversation.
Normally, Adam’s general quietness was something I liked. It was one of my favorite things about him, how he never said much and yet said everything at the same time. But this? This was the worst kind of silence.
This…indifference, or brushing off, or whatever you wanted to call it, wasn’t going to work for me. It had always been so easy before, but it was like time was working itself against us, and the more we had, the thicker this unknown empty space got.
When I got back home that night Adam texted me a quick You all right?
I didn’t answer.