Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“How was your birthday?”
Ren eyed Dr. Bram warily. He couldn’t help figuring out the underlying meaning to every question— the answers Dr. Bram wanted from him. “It was fine,” Ren said.
“Did Falk do anything special?” Dr. Bram asked, a small smile on his lips, a glint in his eye.
“No,” Ren responded stiffly.
“No?” Dr. Bram questioned.
Ren shook his head before saying, “No.”
“Did something happen?” Dr. Bram asked.
“Oren called him away to some meeting or something,” Ren muttered, eyes downcast, not wanting to look at the doctor in front of him.
“So he didn’t plan anything romantic?”
Ren’s eyebrows furrowed. “No, why would he? What do you mean ‘romantic’?”
“Are you two not in the courtship phase?” Dr. Bram laughed, “It seems obvious?—”
“Falk is not courting me,” Ren interrupted sharply.
Dr Bram sat up a bit straighter. “Really?”
“Because he said so himself,” Ren said. “He said he would never ask me to be his mate.”
“Did he actually say that, or is that how you perceived his words?”
Ren squeezed his eyes shut as if thinking back on the memory he had gone over and over again would suddenly change. He finally whispered, “I know what he said—I asked him directly if he was going to ask me to be his mate when we woke up on my birthday. He said no.”
Dr. Bram sat back in his chair, hesitating a while before saying, “Let’s ignore what he said.
” He spoke slowly and put his clipboard down on the table beside him.
Ren felt like a barrier had been removed between them.
It made him fidget even more, feeling so bare without it to shield him.
“Thinking about what Falk has said and done for you in the last year, why would you believe he doesn’t care deeply for you? ”
“Because why would he?” Ren said, hating how his voice quivered. “I am just an assignment to him. I’m simply an Omega who has caused a bunch of trouble for him but he for some reason feels pity for.”
“You truly believe Falk is caring for you as he is, taking responsibility for you in the eyes of our law, making sure you are getting the care—mental and physical—you need, seeing to it that you have your own job and time for your hobbies, making sure you are as happy as you can be here—you think he is doing all that out of pity?” Dr. Bram asked, his voice neutral.
His head slowly tipped to one side as he spoke.
Ren hesitated as he considered his words. When Dr. Bram lined it up like that, it did seem like Falk had done a lot for him.
“Then, if it’s not out of pity, it’s because I’m an Omega,” Ren argued. Dr. Bram waved a hand at him, urging him to continue the thought. “If he doesn’t pity me, then it’s simply because he wants to take advantage of me. I’m an Omega who is even more vulnerable than most and he is an Alpha?—”
“Has he done anything to you?” Dr. Bram cut in. “Has he touched you? Has he kissed you or tried to come onto you in a way you didn’t want?”
Ren shook his head slowly, crossing his arms over his chest to wrap around himself, “no, but?—”
“Don’t you think he would have, if that was all he was after? You two have been sleeping in the same room”—In the same bed, Ren corrected in his head—“for almost two months now, yet nothing has happened.”
“I would like to leave now,” Ren whispered, getting to his feet.
He ignored when Dr. Bram stood up, his head down as he tried to make his way to the door. Dr. Bram sidestepped to block his way, ignoring how Ren was shaking slightly, arms wrapped tightly around himself.
“Our time isn’t up yet,” he said. “Now,” Dr. Bram hummed once they were seated again, the few feet between them feeling miles long. “Why do you not want Falk to court you?”
The question was so out of the realm of possibility of what Ren was expecting to come from the doctor’s mouth that it made him splutter, almost choking on his own spit as he tried to answer. “I do want him to!”
“You do?” Dr. Bram asked.
Ren blinked, realizing what he said. “I mean,” he trailed off, searching for how to explain himself.
He came up empty handed. How was he supposed to explain it to this Alpha?
How was he supposed to explain that, even though all Alphas had done was lie and hurt him, for some reason he liked Falk?
How could he explain that Falk rejecting him hurt so much it made his entire body ache every time he thought about it?
Dr. Bram would never be able to understand it.
A quiet hung between them as Ren tried to figure out what to say, so silent Ren was sure he could hear the sounds of his organs moving within him, churning and twisting in his gut.
“I don’t… I do want him to court me,” Ren repeated slowly, forcing the lie past the truths already half formed on his tongue.
“I want him to court me because…” He licked his lips before breathing out the rest of his sentence all at once, “Because I like the protection he gives me and I am scared other Alphas will try to court me if I do not belong to Falk.”
“Ah,” Dr. Bram said, tapping his pen on his clipboard a few times. “Let’s take a moment to unpack that. Why did you use the word ‘belong’? Just because you are mates with someone does not mean you belong to them. You are still your own person.”
“Not when you’re an Omega,” Ren said, voice quiet. “The Alpha owns the Omega when they are mated.”
“I can promise you most Alphas do not abide by those archaic ideals anymore here,” Dr. Bram said. “Perhaps it is different where you come from but many Wolves here believe Alphas and Omegas to be equal?—”
“That’s a lie,” Ren interrupted. “You told me we wouldn’t lie to each other Dr. Bram.”
“I am not lying,” Dr. Bram said. “I can promise you many Alphas do not think like that. Falk does not. I do not?—”
“Are you truly going to try to argue that all of the Alphas I’ve encountered here who peer at me like they want to eat me do not think Omegas are inferior?” Ren asked.
“I can not speak for everyone,” Dr. Bram said.
“But those are the Alphas who don’t get mates.
” He shrugged. “My mate tells me often about what the Omegas of the castle discuss. How all of them warn each other of Alphas who should not be bothered with and who not to take as a heat partner if you are not mated.”
A slow smile pulled at Ren’s lips and he sat forward in his seat. “You have a mate, Dr. Bram?”
The man’s lips tightened over his teeth as he realized he had given away another tidbit about his own life. Ren was hoarding them away in his mind like a squirrel hides acorns for the winter. “I do, yes,” the doctor said.
“What’s their name?” Ren questioned.
Dr. Bram continued as though Ren hadn’t asked anything. “Not all Alphas think how you believe we do. Have you ever tried to ask Falk about this? Have you told him your fears and thoughts on this matter?”
“Of course not,” Ren said, shaking his head. “I do not want to burden him even more. I am already a nuisance to him.”
Dr. Bram didn’t look particularly happy with this answer, but pushed forward, “Let’s go back to the fact that you want Falk to court you. You mentioned wanting it for protection. There is no other reason?”
Ren’s face warmed as the immediate answers surfaced to his mind—Falk’s smile, the sound of his laugh, how he made Ren feel so comfortable even during horrible situations, how he made him feel safe, how his arms felt wrapped around Ren, how his lips felt, how Ren really wanted to kiss him again, how he?—
“Not really,” Ren said.
“Are you sure?” Dr. Bram pushed. He sighed when Ren just stared back at him, expression blank. “Okay, then let’s go back to why you don’t believe Falk likes you.”
“I told you—because he said so. And, even if he didn’t say that, he is caring for me out of pity. There is no way an Alpha like Falk could like me,” Ren said flatly.
“What do you mean ‘an Alpha like Falk’?”
Ren pressed the back of his hand to his cheeks, feeling how hot they had gotten.
Dr. Bram didn’t show he had noticed at all even though he must have seen his flushed features.
“He is an extremely strong Warrior. He came out of the academy at the top of his class,” Ren said.
“He is close enough friends with the king himself to have his private quarters right beside Oren’s bedchambers.
He is an Alpha other Alphas see as a role model.
He is an Alpha with plenty of Omegas tumbling over themselves for him to even glance at them. He is?—”
“Does he ever look at them?”
Ren paused, blinking at the doctor as he processed his question.
“Does he ever look at the other Omegas?” Ren had to really think, digging through his memories to try to remember what Falk had done when Omegas had come up to talk to them, their eyelashes fluttering and their laughter too loud.
“I guess… not,” he mumbled. Falk had never really paid any mind to any other Omegas or many Alphas for that matter.
Falk walked around the castle with his shoulders back, his chin tipped up and eyes forward; a permanent scowl on his lips and a harsh tone waiting to snap out at anyone who spoke to him.
Except when he turned to Ren with his bright smile, cheery laugh, and soft voice.
“And what do you mean by an Omega like you?” Dr. Bram asked, his voice gentle.
“I’m a murderer,” Ren whispered.
“And we have discussed why you did what you did and how.”
“And I’m broken,” Ren said simply. “I was attacked so I’m not even?—”
“Ren.”
Ren’s eyes squeezed shut, correcting himself, “I was raped so I’m not even a virgin anymore. Most Alphas do not want a mate who has been with?—”
“That is very old fashioned thinking, Ren. Again, most Alphas do not feel that way anymore.”
“I am still broken,” Ren argued. “My body was broken and used without my permission. I had that… thing inside of me even though I didn’t want it?—”
“Your pup?” Dr. Bram questioned.
“No, it wouldn’t have been a pup,” Ren shook his head. “Pups aren’t made from rape. My pup will be made if I ever take a mate I actually love. That thing was put in my body without me wanting it and I will never consider it my pup?—”
“Ren—”
“My brain is broken. My body is broken. Everything about me is broken. Why would Falk ever want to be with an Omega like me?” Ren asked. He swallowed hard, feeling his eyes tingle, wetting slightly until he had to look away from Dr. Bram, scared he would see the tears gathering.
Dr. Bram let him sit with his thoughts for a moment, to let him calm his breathing and rub at his eyes until he was ready to continue.
“Why do you care so much about what an Alpha thinks of you if you only wanted to be his mate for protection?” Ren stared at the doctor helplessly. “Do you like Falk, Ren?”
“No,” Ren said after a moment. “I do not like Alphas.”
“You don’t like Alphas yet you bring up wanting a mate and wanting to start a family quite often. Who do you plan on doing that with if not an Alpha?”
Ren got to his feet, ignoring Dr. Bram as he called after him. He pulled open the door, ignoring that Falk was not waiting on the other side for him. He slammed it shut and debated racing off—not to escape, not to get away, but to hide so he could cry by himself without any wandering eyes.
But he didn’t want Falk to worry about him—didn’t want to let him down after so many weeks of behaving so well.
So, he put his back against the wall beside the door and slid down until he was seated with his arms hugging his legs to his chest. He buried his face in his knees and heard the door open frantically a second later. He didn’t need to look up to know Dr. Bram was making sure he hadn’t run off.
He smelled when Dr. Bram relaxed, and sensed how the tension left him when he noticed Ren sitting right outside.
Dr. Bram groaned but left him alone. He left the door propped open—an invitation or a way to keep an eye on Ren, he wasn’t sure.
But either way, Ren wouldn’t leave his spot until Falk came to get him.
Ren knew it couldn’t have been more than a handful of minutes before he heard footsteps heading his way, but it still felt like years as he tried to keep his breathing steady and his thoughts from wandering too far away.
He scrambled to his feet when Falk walked up to him and smiled at him in greeting.
He shoved past Falk, ignoring his smile, ignoring how gently he looked at Ren, ignoring how hurt he looked when Ren didn’t even acknowledge him. He stomped straight by and marched down the hallway without waiting.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Falk asked as he caught up.
Ren didn’t answer, didn’t even look at him. Falk sighed but had learned to keep his mouth shut when Ren came out of therapy with tears behind his eyes and cheeks flushed from holding everything in.