Chapter 28
Roman
I’ve been avoiding Aster Street for the last three days, but Mazie was invited to a birthday party, and she insisted we go to Chapter and Verse because the birthday girl loves unicorns and we have to buy her a Kitty-Corn book.
So, like the total coward I am, I park on the opposite side of Sweet Cheeks and drag Mazie into the bookstore, hoping I don’t run into anyone.
Of course, that could never happen.
Nicole isn’t behind the counter, but Clara and Marianne are there, browsing around the bookshop, and as soon as my daughter runs inside, they light up, opening their arms for hugs.
They might not be biologically related, but they are part of the extended Stone family, regardless, and Mazie has become the apple of everyone’s eye.
Including Taryn’s best friend and her irritatingly nosy wife.
“Hello, handsome,” Clara says, gazing at me like I’m a kicked dog. “How ya doing?”
“Fine,” I grumble, and she places her hand on my arm.
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
She laughs at me as Marianne slips her arm around Clara’s shoulders. “We heard what happened with you and Eloise.”
I wrench back. “What do you mean, you heard what happened with me and Eloise?”
“That you two got into a fight.”
I scrub my hand over my face. “How? How do you know?”
Clara tips her head, in the direction of Sweet Cheeks, sitting right on the other side of Stone Ink. “She’s been an absolute bear.”
I huff. No way. That’s not Eloise. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
Marianne lifts a shoulder. “She’s been a tad cranky.”
Clara snorts a laugh. “A lot cranky. A pretty good impression of you, actually.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t know why you even care. Why does anyone in this town care?”
They both smile at me like I’m an idiot. Which only annoys me more.
“You’re the prodigal brother,” Clara supplies.
“Everyone’s favorite mystery. And Eloise is a popular woman.
Of course there will be whispers about you two when you go out to Tabby Cat together, when people spot you kissing and holding hands.
” She presses her hand to her chest. “Sets my little romantic heart on fire. The grumpy bad boy returning home and the sweet sunshine girl? I mean…”
Marianne shakes her head in amusement at her wife then turns to me. “What she means to say is, we care about you. We care about your well-being. Your whole family, your friends—whether you believe you have them or not—we want to see you happy, and it was clear Eloise made you happy.”
As Mazie sprawls out on the floor with a book, the shop cat next to her, I rub at my neck, tense from not sleeping well the past few nights. The exhaustion has been wearing on me, the anger I thought would make me feel better doing nothing to stem the pain at not having Eloise. Not being with her.
She is my panacea. But I don’t know how to undo what I’ve said. How to move on from what she did.
With my mind on the relationship I’ve ruined with the apparent bear of a baker, I don’t notice the owner of Chapter and Verse until she’s almost right next to me, looking suspiciously…unkempt. Tangled hair, flushed cheeks, and the buttons of her top are mismatched.
Clara and Marianne break out in laughter, and Nicole realizes she’s wearing her shirt all wonky and quickly fixes it, her face glowing even more red.
“Nice little lunch break you had?” Clara asks.
Nicole pointedly does not answer. Instead, she moves behind the counter, pulling two books off a shelf. “I have your orders here.”
Marianne smothers a grin as she hands over a card to pay, and I remember that conversation I was forced to endure last week about Ian and Nicole’s…proclivities.
“Where’s Ian?” I ask Nicole, and she gestures upstairs.
“The apartment.”
“You mind watching Mazie for a few minutes?”
She shakes her head, and I offer Clara and Marianne a wave as I head over to Stone Ink, silently greeting Riley and Jaybird on my way to the back, so I can take the stairs to the second floor.
I knock twice before opening the door to find my brother lounging in the living room, and he looks up from the paperback copy of Persuasion he’s reading and lowers the glasses he only wears when he’s working or reading.
“Am I interrupting your postcoital quiet time?”
Ian rubs his hand over his mouth and beard, a self-satisfied smile gracing his face. “Ah, you run into Nic?”
“Yep.”
He nods and motions for me to take a seat, so I do, but he waits me out. Not bothering to ask what’s wrong. Probably because he already knows. Everyone knows.
I last all of one minute before I let it all fly.
I tell him about how I first met Eloise the night I moved back and that nothing felt more right than being with her at the wedding.
Like I was supposed to be at her side, like I’m always supposed to be at her side.
I explain how it feels like every bad thing I’ve ever experienced in life is all worth it if she’s my reward on the other side.
It’s when I come to the more recent events with Eloise and Amy that I need to pace the room.
I’ve felt like clawing out of my skin every day since we had our confrontation out back, and the one thing that’s been keeping me sane is staying in motion.
Without Eloise’s constant energy and chatter surrounding me, I feel like I’ve been standing still. And I miss it.
I miss her.
And yet…
“I know she was just trying to help, but it hurt. I don’t want Amy in Mazie’s life. Not yet, at least.”
“Understandable.”
It is understandable, which makes me angrier. More confused.
Like I need to defend myself and my choices.
“I’m pissed. She went behind my back. Never even asked or had one conversation about her idea. It’s not okay.”
Ian nods. “I can see why you’d be pissed.”
His nonjudgmental tone sends me further into a spiral.
I complete another lap. “I know Eloise would never deliberately hurt anyone, especially Mazie.”
“And definitely not you,” Ian agrees.
“But it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is in my situation, and I have to follow my gut to protect my daughter.”
“And yourself,” Ian adds.
“Yeah, exactly. I’m protecting myself.” Blowing out a breath, I slow my steps.
“I guess that’s why I got so mad. I’ve spent so many years trying to build up this safety net, and in that moment, it felt like she tore it all down.
Whether she meant to or not, she took something that I fought so hard to make and broke it. ”
I spin around to face Ian, with his even stare and placid features, listening intently. I let the last of it go. “Because I love her, it hurts more. I don’t expect it from anyone, especially Eloise, but I thought…”
“You don’t expect what?”
“Love.” It’s difficult, but I force the one word out, knowing I’m admitting to a particular issue that’s bigger than Eloise and me.
She is pure happiness and sunshine and loves with her whole heart. How could I possibly be good enough for her? I don’t deserve her love. I don’t deserve anyone’s.
This has Ian shifting on the couch, his even tone spiking, “You still don’t think you deserve it, huh?”
I slant my gaze away, unable to hold his. Then I shake my head.
Ian stands up, not even a yard between us. “Look at me, Roman.”
When I do, it hurts, the amount of kindness and understanding in his eyes.
I may not have known my father, but I’ve known my brother.
Rough around the edges, yet all c heart on the inside.
He reaches out to grip my shoulders, squeezing.
“There is nothing you can do that would make me stop loving you. Nothing. All the shit you did, all the mistakes you made, it means nothing to me. And you may blame yourself for any number of things, but no one else does. Your past is exactly that, past, and I’m only gonna tell you this one time, okay?
Mom would be disappointed in you—not because of your past, but because of what you’re doing now.
How you’ve worked so hard and come so far and still you think you don’t deserve love. ”
He yanks me into him, holding me tight. “I love you. We love you. But until you accept you’re worthy of it, you’re going to keep fucking up.”
I wrap my arms around him, my palms flat against his back, eyes closed tight against the sting in them, and Ian pats the side of my head like I’m a child.
At the moment, it feels like I am.
“One argument isn’t worth throwing away your entire relationship with Eloise, because you are worth it,” he says, and I duck my head to his shoulder, embarrassed by the lump in my throat and threatening tears.
He merely runs his hand over my head. “You are so much more than your addiction. You are the father of a funny and smart little girl. You are the grandson of an immigrant and the son of a single mother who wanted nothing more than for you to succeed. You have gone through hell and come out the other side. Don’t keep punishing yourself for your past, because you deserve to be happy, and you are worthy of love. ”
He tugs me away from him, holding my head in his hands so I can’t look away and ignore him when he says, “I love you. Griffin, Taryn, the kids, they all love you. It’s up to you to decide to accept it or not.”
Then he lets me go with a shrug and steps back. “You came home, so you might as well accept the rest. We’re family—all of us—and no matter how long it takes for you to understand, none of us are going anywhere.”
I swipe my clammy palm over my face and nod a few times, although I can’t seem to find my voice. But he clearly doesn’t expect me to respond because he slaps his hand hard on my shoulder. “Now, go make me proud and get your girl. She’s scaring all her customers away.”
If I weren’t so overwhelmed with emotion, I might find it humorous, but I can’t do much else besides shake his hand and see myself out, taking a few deep breaths before slipping back inside Chapter and Verse, where Mazie greets me with a piece of paper. “Look at this! I drew it!”
“What is it?” I ask, taking it from her hands.
“Us. Our family.”
“Good job on giving me blue hair.”
She giggles. “Thank you.”
“You drew our family? Who’s that?”
She points to each figure in her crayon drawing. “That’s you and me and Steve and Eloise.”
Of course. Who else would have yellow hair and a pink dress with brown…spots all over it. “What are those?”
“Cimanin rolls,” she says like I should’ve known, and I guess I should have.
My throat tightens, and I scoop Mazie up into a hug. “I love it.”
She smacks my shoulder a few times. “Can you hang it up?”
“Yeah.”
“In a frame?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“Can we go see Eloise now? I want a cimanin roll.”
“Not today. You have your friend’s party.” And I have some groveling to do.
“Oh yeah! Well, let’s go! Hurry up.”
I purchase the book Mazie picked out for her present then choose to carry her to the car because I feel torn in two, and my daughter is a good Band-Aid.
She takes the picture back and tells me, “We hafta hang it up because we don’t have any pictures of us in the house, and we’re supposed to have family photos in our house. ”
“Eloise isn’t technically a part of our family.”
My daughter shrugs. “She should be. Sadie’s mommy came in to be the surprise reader the other day, and Eloise is a lot prettier than her. And I want Eloise to come and be a surprise reader, but she has to be my mommy to do that.”
A lightning strike would have surprised me less.
“You like Eloise that much?” I ask, buckling her into her car seat.
“I love her. You do too, right? How comes she hasn’t been to our house in a long time? Like a whole year!”
“It’s been a few days,” I correct and close the door, feeling suddenly hot.
I crack my window when I settle behind the wheel. “I think she’ll come over again. Hopefully.”
“And she can be my mommy?”
I eye Mazie’s reflection in the rearview mirror, unsure of what to say. She has a mother, although Mazie hasn’t seen her in over a year, and not too often before that. But hearing her desire to be a family with Eloise is hard for me to ignore when it’s what I want too.
I turn to face Mazie. “I don’t know about her being your mommy. We’ll have to talk to her about that.”
“Today?”
“No, not today.”
“Tomorrow?”
I heave out a sigh. “Probably not tomorrow either.”
“When?”
“I’m not sure, Maze. That’s a big conversation, and me and Eloise need to talk about adult stuff before that.”
She huffs and folds her arms. “Don’t take too long. We have to ask her before somebody else does.”
I start the ignition. My daughter’s right. Can’t wait too long.
Can’t let Eloise slip through our fingers.