43. Jonah
43
JONAH
I’m in awe of her.
Her ten little fingers and ten little toes. Her head full of dark curls. Her button nose and cherubic cheeks. As she sleeps snuggled up on Claire’s chest, I’ve never seen anything more perfect. I just sit beside the hospital bed rubbing my thumb back and forth over Claire’s forearm and staring.
“I can’t believe it,” I say on a whisper. “I can’t believe it.”
Claire hums, the tired sound drawing my attention back to her face. She’s smiling softly and her blue eyes glitter, but her blinks are slow. Sixteen hours of labor, and she was brilliant through all of it.
“You were amazing, you know?” I cup her cheek. “I don’t know how you did it. I don’t even have the words. I’m just...I’m in awe.”
She looks down at our baby, and her smile grows. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
“ You’re beautiful, and she looks just like you.” Claire rests her head back on the pillow and closes her eyes. She’s understandably exhausted, and if anyone deserves rest, it’s her. “Do you need anything? Can I get you anything?”
She shakes her head. “No. I promise I’ll tell you if I need anything.”
“Do you want me to take Teddy so you can get some sleep?”
She turns her head toward me, then winces slightly as she scoots over and pats the mattress. Something about the movement catapults me back in time .
A different room. A different bed. A different person.
A different feeling entirely.
“Climb in here.”
“I’m too big. I don’t want to hurt you.”
The words are pulled from my lips before I think them, and tears form in my eyes. Irrationally, my body braces for what comes next. Theo’s voice floats in my memory, a harrowing response echoing in my head.
“You won’t hurt us.” She pats the mattress again, but when I don’t move, she arches a playful brow. “Jonah Theodore Hendrix, you’re not paying four grand a night for this boujee maternity suite to sit in that armchair. You won’t use the other bedroom, so get into this bed and hold your girls.”
Hold your girls.
My girls.
I laugh and wipe away a stray tear, then I gently get into the bed beside her. I slide one arm under her and lay the other over her, carefully resting my hand on Teddy’s back.
“Thank you.”
Claire’s voice is a whisper, content but tired, and slowly her breathing deepens until she’s sleeping peacefully. And still, all I can do is stare. My eyes bounce from Claire to Teddy and back. The two loves of my life, and not for the first time, I’m so grateful that I’m experiencing these emotions unhindered. Raw and real and overwhelming in the best, most moving of ways. In this moment, I can’t bring myself to regret any decision I’ve made, no matter how reckless, because it brought me to her. To here. To them.
This is healing. They are my purpose.
This right here.
This is my redemption.
“Are you sure you want to let them in? We can tell them to fuck off until next week.”
Claire laughs. “I’m sure. I want to see them. And don’t try to act like you don’t want to show Teddy off. You’ve already targeted every nurse in the maternity ward, José, and the grocery delivery guy. You need a new audience.”
I smirk. “I’m telling you, she’s the smartest three-day-old baby in the state. Maybe the country.”
She looks down at Teddy and smiles. “Your daddy is your second biggest fan.”
“Well, before they come disrupt our peace, I have a gift for you. I’ll be right back.”
I run up the stairs, taking two at a time, and grab the gift box off my dresser. I meant to bring it to the hospital, but I was so excited that I’d forgotten to bring my overnight bag. When I get back to the living room, she narrows her eyes at me with a small smile.
“You didn’t have to get me a gift.”
“I know.” I cross the floor to the couch and hand her the box. “But I have plans to give you a lot of them, so you might as well get used to it.”
She drops her eyes to the gift box, and her cheeks heat with a small blush that fills me with pride.
“Well...Thank you.” She whispers the words before taking a deep breath, then raises her gaze back to mine. “Can you take her?”
“Absolutely.” I bend down and scoop Teddy up carefully. It blows me away how perfectly she fits cradled in my arms. I run my eyes over her for the millionth time, and I laugh, then drop my voice to a whisper. “I didn’t know I could love someone so much so quickly in such a new way. It’s like...it’s like a new part of me was born with her. Created for her. Does that make sense?”
I look back at Claire and find her smiling softly, and she nods.
“Yeah. It makes perfect sense.”
Something passes between us that emboldens me. It bolsters my confidence in us. In myself. In this new normal we’re crafting.
“Open it,” I urge, nodding to the box, then I hold my breath as she does. Her gasp is a good sign. Her sniffle is another. “Do you like it?”
“I love it.”
I watch as she takes the rose gold bangle out of the box and studies it. Two small stones, her birthstone and Teddy’s, are the only embellishments. Classy and elegant.
“Thank you. I love it so much. ”
“Check the inside.”
She does, and when she reads the inscription, she starts to cry, then huffs out a small laugh. It’s a single word, but it holds more weight than she’ll ever know.
Endlessly.
“It’s perfect.”
“I mean it.”
“I know.”
As if on cue, the gate buzzer sounds through the house, announcing that my bandmates have arrived. I give Teddy back to Claire, then walk to the door to let them in.
Sav’s got a bag of food, Torren’s holding a vase of flowers, and Mabel’s got a little gift bag. I can’t help but smile.
“Hey, Daddy,” Sav says to me with a smirk.
I arch a brow, and she manages to hold a straight face for a few seconds before sticking out her tongue on a dramatic gag.
“Can’t do it.”
“Thank God,” I say with a laugh, pulling her in for a hug before doing the same with Torren and Mabel. Then I gesture into the house. “Come meet the newest member of the band.”
They walk quietly into the living room, set their gifts on the coffee table, and greet Claire with smiles.
“You look good,” Mabel says to Claire. “How are you feeling? Jo texted us that everything went well, you know, all things considered.”
She flares her eyes, and Claire laughs.
“Yeah. I’m okay. Tired and sore, but stupidly happy.”
“Well, if you need anything, we’re just right down the street,” Sav adds. “Seriously. Anything at all, just call.”
“Thank you.” Claire turns her arms to show Teddy to the room. “Now, why you’re all here. The girl of the hour. Meet Theodora Andrea Hendrix.”
“She’s absolutely beautiful,” Sav says. “Look at that head of hair.”
Mabel smiles at Claire. “She’s going to look just like you.”
“Thank God,” Torren says with a grin.
I shake my head and bite back my smile. He’s an ass, but I don’t exactly disagree with him on this one .
“So where did you come up with the name?” Sav asks, and I decide to answer.
“Theodora after my brother, and Andrea after Claire’s mom.”
“Well, it’s beautiful.”
“You know I love an old-fashioned name,” Mabel chimes in with a waggle of her brows. “That’s why I picked mine.”
Claire’s jaw drops. “Mabel isn’t your real name?” Mabes shakes her head slowly. “What is it?”
Mabes sighs dramatically, then lies. “It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten it.”
Claire looks at me, and I throw up my palms. “Don’t look at me. She’s been Mabel since I’ve known her.”
“Do you know?” Claire asks Sav, and Sav shrugs.
“I know everything.”
Mabel laughs, then changes the subject. “Anyway, we brought you a few things.”
“You guys don’t have to keep bringing me stuff.”
“To be fair, only the food is from us,” Torren adds.
I tilt my head. “What?”
“We brought sushi because we knew Claire was craving it for the last month of her pregnancy,” Sav says, pulling sushi rolls out of the insulated cold bag.
“Oh yum.” Claire looks up at me. “Can you put Teddy in her bassinette?”
I take my daughter and put her in the bassinette. We’ve only been home a day and a half, but we’ve basically been moving the bassinette wherever we go. Kitchen for cooking. Dining room for eating. Living room for lounging. Where we go, Teddy goes.
Claire is surveying the sushi when Mabel slides the vase of flowers in front of her.
“This and the gift bag are a special delivery.”
“From who?” Claire asks, reaching slowly for the bag.
She holds Mabel’s eyes, and Mabel gives her a small smile. “Open it.”
Claire hesitates, and I watch as goosebumps rise on her forearms. I think I see a slight tremble in her fingers as she reaches into the bag, and when she pulls out the gift, tears well in her eyes .
It’s a little orange sleeper with dinosaurs on it. It’s obviously used. The color is faded and there’s fraying on the hems, but I can tell it means something to Claire. Tears stream down her face as she flips over a little notecard, and I read it over her shoulder.
Gabe and Charlotte have outgrown it.
It’s your turn now.
-Lennon
Claire laughs and glances up at me.
“This was mine. Well, Macon’s first, and then mine. My, um...” She sucks in a shaky breath and laughs again. “Nephew and my niece wore it when they were infants, too. I guess...Well, I guess Lennon wants me to have it now.”
I put my hand on her shoulder and smile. I know what this means to her. I can only imagine what she’s feeling. I don’t even know her brother and stepsister, but I almost want to cry too.
“It’s a good gift,” I whisper to her, and she nods.
“Yeah. It’s a great gift.”
“That’s not all,” Mabel says, and Claire looks back at her. “The flowers.”
She gestures to the vase of flowers on the counter, and Claire studies it. At first, it’s just a bouquet of flowers, but then she realizes something. Once again, with trembling fingers, she reaches for the flowers. She pulls them closer, then spins them on the tabletop.
Then it dawns on me.
She’s not looking at the flowers. She’s looking at the vase. So I do, too.
It’s ceramic. Handmade, I realize. And hand-painted from the looks of it. It’s decorated with lots of little images resembling something out of a Rockwell painting. Street signs and small-town businesses. A grocery store. A hardware store. A youth center. A public school. Two houses.
“It’s my hometown,” she whispers. “She painted my hometown.”
“Who did?”
“Lennon.” Claire smiles at me then looks at Mabel. “Did Macon make the vase? ”
Mabel nods. “Yeah.”
“How? How did you get it?”
“She emailed the label, the label forwarded it to Hammond, and Hammond sent it to me.”
“What did she say?”
Mabel nods again. “She asked if she could send me a gift to give you when the baby came. She wanted it to be a surprise.”
Claire nods, her attention falling back to the vase as she clutches the sleeper to her chest. She doesn’t say anything for a long time, and we sit in the silence with her. Teddy’s soft breathing and Claire’s quiet tears are all I focus on. I rub her shoulder, a silent gesture to let her know that I’m here, and I wait.
When she’s processed it all, she tells Mabel thank you, then changes the subject. We spend the next few hours talking about nothing in particular and laughing about everything, and it feels good.
Torren, Sav, and Mabel are my oldest friends. They were my first example of what a family should be. My proof that people could love me for who I was without pretense or condition. It got fucked up for a while, convoluted as we each fought with our demons, but they never gave up on me. Not even when they probably should have. They have always been there boosting me up when I was drowning, forcing breath into my lungs when I was suffocating. Keeping me alive when all I wanted was to disappear. To have them still here, after everything, feels like a miracle.
Later that night, Claire and I lie in bed with our daughter between us. We’re both on our sides, splitting time between gazing at each other and at her. At this little amazing bundle of life that we created together. The light Claire brought to my darkness. I take Teddy’s small hand, and she wraps it around one of my fingers.
I don’t know how I got here. I’m still not sure I deserve it. But I know I won’t fuck it up again.
Of all the raw emotions swirling in my chest right now, the strongest one is gratitude.
“Trouble?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you. ”
She raises her eyes from Teddy and locks them with mine. “For what?”
“For seeing my ugliest parts and loving me anyway.”
“Every part of you is beautiful to me.” She smiles softly, then reaches up and cups my cheek. “I love you, Jonah Theodore Hendrix. I love you endlessly.”