Addiction - Chapter 1
Wednesday
My stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't seem to focus in class.
Every day that I saw Professor Hunter I had this pathetic hope that things would somehow be the way they were before.
But it never happened. He wouldn't even look at me.
It was like I didn't exist. This class was becoming unbearable.
He didn't have to watch me and take notes on my every word.
How was I supposed to do this anymore? I'd rather just stop showing up and fail the class than sit here one more second.
The room felt stifling. I was finding it hard to breathe.
"Penny?"
It took me a moment to even realize that someone was addressing me.
I looked up at Tyler. He had placed his backpack on the seat in front of the one he used to always sit in.
I blinked at him. Why was he talking to me?
The last time we spoke he had made it clear we weren't friends.
I didn't know what to say to him. I had already tried apologizing.
Having everyone mad at me was exhausting.
Apparently I was so used to being ignored that I had forgotten how to speak because I just stared at him.
"You okay?" he asked.
I cleared my throat. "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
"What?" I didn't need to be insulted right now. If I didn't feel so numb I'd probably burst into tears. But instead I just stared at him.
"Have you been eating?"
"Oh. No. I mean yes, I've been eating."
"When was the last time you ate?"
I thought about it for a minute. I wasn't eating. Everything tasted bland and I felt sick to my stomach. "I went to dinner the other night with Melissa." The other night was a few nights ago. And I barely touched my food. Tyler didn't need to know that.
Tyler grabbed his backpack, placed it on the floor beside my desk, and sat down next to me. He leaned toward me. "You know what, I actually forgot to eat breakfast this morning. Do you want to go get something to eat?"
I looked over at him. "You mean, like, now?"
Tyler shrugged. "Yeah. Let's go."
Professor Hunter walked into the classroom and put his satchel on the desk.
Look at me. He was wearing a sweater identical to the one he had given me the first time we met.
Had he replaced it? Had he replaced me? He looked calm and composed.
He looked fine. He always looked completely fine.
I missed him so much. But he didn't miss me back.
I could feel myself falling apart. Please look at me.
Professor Hunter, look at me! He didn't glance in my direction.
I felt like I was going to throw up. "Okay," I whispered.
Tyler stood up and put his backpack over one shoulder.
I quickly grabbed my bag and followed him out of the classroom.
Maybe Professor Hunter would notice me now.
I looked over my shoulder as I exited out the back door.
He was busy writing something on the chalkboard.
When had he become just another one of my teachers? The thought was chilling.
"Where are we going?" I asked as I caught up to Tyler.
"There's an IHOP on Main Street. How does that sound?"
"Really good, actually." Him talking to me meant more than he could possibly know.
I felt so guilty about what had happened between us.
And if he could forgive me, maybe Professor Hunter could too.
We walked toward Main Street in silence.
The campus was so pretty in the fall. The leaves were bright yellow, orange, and red.
The crispness in the air was refreshing. I took a deep breath.
We entered the restaurant and followed the hostess to a booth. I slid in across from Tyler and looked down at the menu. I hoped I had some cash in my backpack. Regardless, I searched for something cheap just in case Tyler insisted on paying.
"I didn't know you were one for playing hooky," Tyler said. He was smiling at me.
"I've been doing a lot of that lately." And I had.
I had missed so many Stat classes that I would surely fail my next test. I actually needed to hire a tutor if I didn't want to have to retake it next semester.
I looked back down at my menu. I couldn't help but wonder why Tyler was being nice.
He knows. Of course he knows. Melissa would have told him that Professor Hunter and I were fighting.
I refused to think that we were broken up.
Needing time didn't mean we had broken up.
We were still together. But every time I insisted on the fact that we were still together, it felt more and more like I was lying to myself.
It had been two weeks since our fight. And it had been two weeks since he had spoken to me.
I wasn't sure how much longer I could lie to myself.
The waitress came over and I ordered some pancakes with scrambled eggs. The delicious aromas in the air made my stomach growl. When the waitress left I looked up at Tyler. He looked genuinely concerned for me.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked. It was making me uncomfortable. I didn't deserve his sympathy.
"Like what?"
"Like I'm a pathetic loser that you pity."
"You're definitely not a pathetic loser." He gave me an encouraging smile.
Then stop looking at me like that! I stared back at him.
"Melissa told me what happened," Tyler said gently.
"Right." Of course she did. She probably still wanted Tyler and me to be together.
"Did you want to talk about it?"
I looked up at him. "I thought you didn't want to be friends with me."
"Penny, I'm sorry I was such a jerk. I was pissed. But I still care about you." He paused for a moment. "Clearly more than he does."
"Tyler..."
"Does he even realize how upset you are?"
"I don't know. I haven't spoken to him."
"Penny. Come on. You deserve better than this. You deserve better than him."
"You don't even know him." I suddenly felt cold. I wrapped my arms around myself.
"I know enough."
He didn't say it, but what he meant was that Professor Hunter was dating a student.
And that made Professor Hunter a creepy asshole.
But Tyler couldn't be more wrong. I loved Professor Hunter.
I loved him more than I even realized I could love someone.
And I needed him back. "He's a good guy, Tyler.
This whole thing is my fault. I deserve this. "
"You deserve to be happy. And he's not making you happy."
"I really don't want to talk about this." I bit my lip. I didn't want to start crying in the middle of the restaurant.
Tyler was quiet for a moment. I could feel his eyes on me. "I think you should report what happened to the dean."
I winced at his words. I should have known that's why he wanted to talk to me. "Tyler, you don't even know the whole story."
"The whole story doesn't matter. All that matters is that he broke the rules."
"I broke the rules too." I pushed him every chance I got.
Blatantly flirting with him in class, texting him, not leaving him alone when he had asked me to.
"I wanted this. Probably more than he did.
" Clearly more than he did. If he wanted this, wouldn't he have forgiven me by now? The thought made my stomach churn.
The waitress put our food down in front of us. I was no longer hungry. The realization that Professor Hunter didn't want me suddenly felt like a fresh wound. I slowly cut into my pancakes and took a bite. It didn't taste like anything.
"Just think about it, okay?" Tyler continued.
No! "Okay."
We ate in silence. I chewed and swallowed and tried not to make a disgusted face.
"Are you excited for your birthday?" Tyler asked as he pushed his plate to the side.
My birthday. There was nothing I wanted more than to spend my birthday with Professor Hunter.
But it was tomorrow. And he still wasn't talking to me.
I didn't have any plans for my actual birthday.
Melissa had planned our joint birthday party for Friday.
It was still costume themed. And it was being held at Tyler and Josh's frat house.
I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Whenever Melissa asked me about any of the details I'd just mumble yes to all her plans.
I figured I just wouldn't go. I realized I hadn't answered Tyler's question. "I guess."
Tyler laughed. "You don't sound excited."
A month ago I was thrilled that I would be turning 20 soon.
I didn't want to be a teenager. I wanted to be more mature and for Professor Hunter to want me.
But now I was just sad. Turning 20 seemed like a big deal.
I had been so wrapped up in the idea of what Professor Hunter thought about my age that I hadn't taken into account how I really felt about turning 20. "I feel old."
"That's because you haven't been eating."
I laughed. It sounded strange in my throat. "You know what I mean. I won't be a teenager anymore. I'm an old lady."
Tyler laughed. "Coming from a 21 year old, 20 isn't so bad. And you aren't an old lady. You only have a few wrinkles."
"What?"
"I'm just kidding," Tyler laughed. "You don't have any wrinkles. You're perfect."
Perfect. I looked down at my half eaten pancakes. He still liked me. How could he still like me? I had an affair with our professor. I had lied to him. I was far from perfect. His compliment was off-putting and I could feel my face flush.
"Do you have any plans for tomorrow night?" he asked.
"Just hanging out with Melissa."
"Then we'll celebrate Friday I guess." Tyler pulled his cell phone out of his jeans and looked at the screen. "I have to get to my next class because I have a test." He put a twenty dollar bill on the table.
"I can pay this time," I said. I opened up my backpack to grab some money.
"Happy early birthday, Penny. I'll see you on Friday." He gave me one last smile and walked away.