Eruption - Chapter 13
Monday
I sat down on a bench outside of the Tavern on the Green.
In less than two weeks we'd be saying our vows under the huge tree with the shimmering lanterns that I loved so much.
I wasn't having second thoughts. Not for a second.
I loved James with every fiber of my being.
Sometimes I just wished he could hear me.
During the orientation meeting I had thought about how much I owed him.
But I had given up a lot for him too. And sometimes I worried that I lost myself when I moved here.
He was complicated and unique and all consuming.
And I was just me. It was easy to feel invisible.
Which wasn't really fair to say. If anything, James was the first person that had ever truly seen me.
How could I feel seen and invisible at the same time?
I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the feeling of the sun on my face. I was just frustrated because school was my thing and Hunter Tech was his thing. And now I didn't have a thing. I didn't want to follow him around like a lost puppy. Maybe I was having an identity crisis.
I pulled my legs up on the bench and hugged my knees to my chest. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, staring at the big tree again.
In twelve days I'd be Mrs. Hunter. That was a new identity.
It felt like my heart was beating out my chest. I leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees and my head between them.
It felt like I couldn't breathe. It was all too much change too soon.
I was never good at change and this was a million things at once.
I had tried to tell James that it was too much but he hadn't listened. I put my face in my hands.
"I thought I might find you here."
I lifted my face out of my hands and up at James. He looked so worried. Why did it always seem like I was hurting him?
"Having second thoughts?" He looked over his shoulder at our wedding venue.
"No. Never. James, I'm so sorry about today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so, so sorry, I just..."
"Stop. You don't have anything to apologize about." He sat down and grabbed my hand. "I'm the one that's sorry. I'm still learning about how all this works."
"God." I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. "Still learning how what works? Me?" I laughed. I didn't even understand myself half the time. How could I expect him to?
"Love. This." He rubbed his thumb along my palm. "Us. Please don't give up on me."
His words made even more tears fall down my cheeks. "I'm not. I'm just so embarrassed. You're allowed to talk to whoever you want. You're allowed to change your lunch plans. I don't know why I even freaked out."
"I didn't want to talk to Isabella. She came to see me. I didn't want her to make a scene..."
"I know. You already explained it. It's fine."
He squeezed my hand. "She asked if we could start over as friends.
I told her that we could be civil if we run into each other in public, but nothing more.
I told her if she ever stepped foot inside my office ever again I'd have her thrown out.
And I said if she ever reached out to you or me I'd get a restraining order against her.
I know I can talk to whoever I want, but I don't want to talk to her.
Ever again. I have a past. I can't change what's happened, but I will never, ever put someone before you. I can promise you that."
"I know. I didn't mean what I said. It's just..
.with graduating and moving and planning the wedding, and then meeting your parents and seeing Isabella, and starting this new job.
.." I let my voice trail off. "Geez, of course no one else wanted to hire me.
I needed a week off for our honeymoon almost immediately.
But I didn't even get to the interview process to tell anyone about that. " I felt so inadequate.
"About that..."
"You knew no one would hire me because of that, didn't you? I'm such an idiot. I was giving you a hard time and you were just being nice and offering me a job because no one else..."
"No." He cleared his throat. "You were right before. I screened your applications."
"What does that mean exactly?"
He shrugged. "I made it clear that you were working at Hunter Tech. I'd rather not go into the specifics."
I started laughing. "You're infuriating. You do realize that, right?" I couldn't seem to stop laughing.
He smiled and wiped one of my tears away with his thumb. I was pretty sure they were tears from laughing now.
When I finally calmed down, I sighed. "I think I've just been really stressed out.
For the past few years I've been so focused on finishing school and officially becoming an adult, that I forgot to plan for this point.
" I had been so eager to graduate. All those extra classes to make up for the semester I had lost switching schools.
Maybe I had rushed all of this. Now I was officially an adult and I felt lost.
"That's why I thought fixing you up with a good job..."
"But you should have talked to me about it. Your intentions are always good, but I want my opinion to count."
"It does. And I do respect you. If I made you feel like that wasn't the case, I'm sorry." He cupped my face in his hand. "But I like taking care of you. You can't expect me to just sit here and see you struggling and not try to fix it."
I grabbed his hand and pulled it onto my lap. "Do you ever think sometimes that it was easier when you were my professor?"
He laughed. "No."
"But everything was so clear cut. We each knew where we stood."
"Penny, I never knew where you stood."
I laughed. "Maybe you're right. I just thought this boss/intern thing would be a little easier if we just stuck to those roles and didn't mix in our personal relationship."
"Penny, I don't want to sneak around. I thought we were done with that when we moved here. We're getting married at the end of the month. All I ever want to do is be with you. And when we're not together I want to talk about you. If you're embarrassed..."
"I'm not embarrassed about us. That's not it. I just didn't want all my new coworkers to judge me before they got to know me."
"Knowing that we're together is part of getting to know you."
"I know. You're right. And I'm pretty sure one of the guys I work with thinks I'm in an abusive relationship because I'm being too secretive about everything."
James laughed. "Wait, really?"
"I don't know. I'm a bad liar. It wasn't a terrible conclusion with all the weird stuff I said all day. And I don't recommend starting a new job with a black eye. You told me you couldn't see it."
He shrugged. "You can barely see it."
I lightly shoved his shoulder. "Oh and by the way, Andy prefers being called Anderson. What's up with that? You always call him Andy."
"Well yeah, his employees call him Anderson. His friends call him Andy."
"James! You could have told me that."
He laughed and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. "I know it's a lot of change really fast. But we can figure this out together. If you haven't discovered your passion yet, you have plenty of time. We have our whole lives to figure it out."
His words should have been soothing, but it made me realize what I probably already knew and just didn't know how to admit. I already knew my passion. It was him. And being in love with him wasn't exactly a career path.
"If you want to take some time off to figure it out, you can," he said. "You don't have to jump right into this internship. And if you decide you do want it later, there's always another program in the fall."
"No, I want to do it. I already got special permission from my boss for a week off. It seems mean to flake out now."
"I was hoping you'd say that. And maybe tomorrow you can tell all the new friends you made today that you're shagging the boss."
"Telling them we're engaged sound so much better."
"Going all in right away?"
"Sierra keeps talking about how sexy you are and it makes me extremely uncomfortable."
He laughed. "You sound jealous."
"I'm not jealous." I bit my lip. "Fine, maybe a little. But what about the flowers you sent me? Marking your territory right away?"
"I sent you flowers because I'm an awesome fiancé and I love you."
I stared at him skeptically.
"And I wanted to force you to tell everyone we were together. Like I said, I'm done sneaking around. Besides, I haven't locked you down until you say 'I do.' I'm not going to risk losing you to a younger man at the last minute."
I laughed. "You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Before we know it, we'll be married. Right there." I gestured to the tree in front of us.
He kissed my temple. "I can't wait."